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you say "girlfriend" I say "friend"

Nicole - posted on 01/27/2011 ( 14 moms have responded )

736

One of my friends thinks my friendship with his girlfriend is equivilant to dating. I disagree. He asks if we can have that kind of relationship that he calls "dating" and I call "friendship". I consider us friends, so I say sure. No sex, and we can act just like I act with my other friends. Cool beans.

Then he asks if I will come and spend the night, he wants cuddles. I don't call friends up to cuddle, and I am writing a term paper all night that is due tomorrow morning. I say no, and realize things have gotten a bit confused.

Grrr...confusion

I am writing a letter:

Recap
-The social behaviors I define as friendship you define as dating.
-You defined my relationship with your girlfriend as a dating relationship; I defined it as a friendship
-You wanted to have the same kind of relationship with me as I have with your girlfriend
-In order to feel comfortable having that type of relationship with me, which centers on emotional intimacy, you needed to call me a “girlfriend”

But the title isn't supposed to change the nature of our relationship, which is a platonic friendship, only make you feel less guilty about the being emotionally intimate with me, which is what you base romantic relationships around...

how do I simplify this?

And why the bloody hell do I always end up in complicated relationships???!!!

GRRR MEN and their refusal to have emotionally intimate friendships with women!!!!!!

Grrr the new dating rules that make everything so bloody complicated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GRRRRRR!

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14 Comments

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Gina - posted on 02/06/2011

i would be worried about him looking after my children if he is this fucked up with adults.

Nicole - posted on 02/01/2011

736

I have been. I only need childcare until the end of June but I have been making a ton of calls, and no luck so far. In July and August I don't need child care and September my son goes to Kindergarten

Amber - posted on 02/01/2011

1,909

Look for a new babysitter as fast as you can!
And quite frankly, if he becomes homeless...it was of his own doing. He caused the drama, he deserves what he gets as far as I'm concerned.

Nicole - posted on 02/01/2011

736

So I am still having troubles with this guy.

He came by the other day (he is my childcare provider and I have no alternative but I am calling around) and he said:

1) he didn't ever say he thought myself and his grilfriend acted like we were dating, even though he thinks it is like we were acting like we were dating and he might have mentioned something along those lines

2) he wants to date and kiss and do all of the relationship stuff

So he knew I was refusing to date anyone, saw me rant about how annoying it was that people kept asking me out when I didn't want to date anyone and despite all this he asked me out.

I talked to his girlfriend, she is done with him but she doesn't know who will look after her kids while she is in work. She can't afford childcare and our schedules conflict, so we can't just trade off.

He's also unemployed, so she says he will become homeless if she leaves.

So I am stuck in a bad place. If I fire him, I have no one to watch my kids while I am in classes.

She won't dump him, because she won't have anyone to watch her kids while she's at work.

He's clearly f**king with our heads and being a useless leech.

I don't know what to do

Ashley - posted on 01/28/2011

956

LOL I love the last part about no one under the age of 2 thats too cute

Nicole - posted on 01/28/2011

736

So I said not to going over and wrote him the letter saying what I posted above and reaffirming that while he wanted the title girlfriend this was a platonic relationship, the only place I was sleeping was my bed and no one under the age of 2 was getting in there.

So far, no response.

Nicole - posted on 01/28/2011

736

RED FLAG #1- NO guy asks you to come over to "cuddle" without wanting more than that. Does his gf ask you to come over and cuddle?
-No she doesn't and that did worry me.
RED FLAG #2 - Most guys are terrified of the "gf/bf" label.
-good point.

Amber - posted on 01/28/2011

1,909

"He says he knows I don't want sex and he is fine with that"

Sorry, but actions speak louder than words. He's asking you to come crawl in his bed....and he's not asking you that for no reason. He's angling for something more and you are going to be blindsided by it if you don't realize what he's doing.

Jackie - posted on 01/28/2011

1,415

Classic Mind Fuck, if you ask me. (pardon the french). He's trying to get you between the sheets. period. Sounds to me like he's a master manipulator. RED FLAG #1- NO guy asks you to come over to "cuddle" without wanting more than that. Does his gf ask you to come over and cuddle? RED FLAG #2 - Most guys are terrified of the "gf/bf" label. He's trying to put that label on you to get into your panties.

Also, you should be a little more detailed about the relationship you have with the girlfriend that he so desperately wants. Is it normal everyday chitchat and meeting up for coffee, ect? Or is there more physical contact between the two of you. I have friends that I hug when I see them but trust when I say that my BF wants no parts of it.

He's a dog.

Nicole - posted on 01/27/2011

736

They are in an open relationship.

He says he knows I don't want sex and he is fine with that, he wants to emotional connection with me like I have with his girlfriend, which suited me fine as I considered them both friends, but he called that being a girlfriend.

The problem I have is that I am getting confused with the whole situation. It's hard to be blunt when I can't figure out what is going on.

Amber - posted on 01/27/2011

1,909

It sounds like he's just trying to get you into bed...I personally would put my foot down and say "Listen, I'll be your friend. But there will be no intimacy and I'm not interested in you in a romantic way at all."
You are obviously going to have to be very blunt and to the point because he is too dense to realize that you aren't interested in anything else from him.
And I have to wonder what his girlfriend thinks of all of this? Is she comfortable with him asking you to come sleep/cuddle with him?
It sounds like you both need to boot him out of your lives. He does not seem to have respect for either of you.

Nicole - posted on 01/27/2011

736

A conversation I had today:
Guy: why would anyone have a relationship with no sex?
Me: Some people have boundaries set up so that they will only share emotional intimacy with romantic partners and stuff like talking about their day, hugging, being involved in another person's day to day life, counts as dating to them
Guy: In that case I have quite a few boyfriends.

Nicole - posted on 01/27/2011

736

He thinks my friendship with his girlfriend is equivalent to dating, and he wants to have the same kind of relationship with me, as I have with her.

Since I have a friendship with her and consider him a friend I say yes. But he calls that being a girlfriend because we have emotional intimacy (we hang out and chat, exchange books, go to events together, talk about our day) and he thinks only dating couples have that

it confuses me too

Amber - posted on 01/27/2011

1,909

Ok...I'm confused. He thinks that your relationship with his girlfriend is equivalent to dating or that his relationship with you is equivalent to a girlfriend/dating?