Not MY Calling

Coral - posted on 02/13/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hello Ladies...

Any of you marry a wonderful man who wasn't a pastor when you got married? That's my story. My husband is a technologically gifted man who was blessed with the Technical Director position at our church. Shortly after we got married he was "promoted" to pastorhood. So now his title is Technical Pastor. I went a long with this because the financial perks (health ins, a raise, housing allowance) seemed nice since we were newly pregnant (7 mos after marriage).

In the back of my mind I knew I never wanted to be a pastor's wife, even if he wasn't a preaching pastor, per se. I know it would cause some issues and it has.

I've recently gone through some tough stuff with our church because I can't separate my husband's place of employment from my place of worship. It is so hard, impossible at times, to worship genuinely when all I can think about is what wrong was done to my husband or how I disagree with something the church is doing all while I'm supposed to be worshiping our Lord.

I feel like I'm making significant progress in this area but it is still a hard thing for me to go through.



Have any of you been through something like this? Any wisdom gleaned? If not, please don't respond. Thank you.

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Charissa - posted on 05/03/2010

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Cherise I agree with you about finding another place to worship. However one other option that I found more helpful was to attend church with my husband so I could love and support him, but then to go to a midweek Bible Study during the day. I have joined Community Bible Study and I really love it. It keeps me going. God bless you!!

Cherise - posted on 02/13/2010

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I so understand this. My husband was a school teacher when we got married. One year later he got "called" into ministry and began seminary. He has been pastoring now for 8 yrs. (we'll be married 9 yrs in June) and I feel like he is more married to the church than to me.
Wisdom I can give you from experience, Find an alternate church to attend so that you can get your spiritual feeding. Yes it will suck that you cannot worship at his church and sure mouths will run about why you are not there, but know that your relationship with God is bigger than church. What works for us is I go every other week (sometimes I go an entire month) to a church that I joined. No one there knows I am a pastors wife...they actually know my name. If you choose this route...seek a fitting church for you and even the kids. Try to get your hubby to visit once a year or so so that you two can have time to worship openly and without eyes and mouths waiting to criticize.
My prayers are with you, and feel free to message me if you ever need a listening ear.

Vickie - posted on 08/02/2009

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hello carol, my husband was not in the ministry when we married. however, he was very involved. and it did not take long for him to get invited to meetings with the elders.

before we married he gave me fair warning that i would need to be flexible and follow him where ever the Lord leads us. we have lived in AZ, CA, NY, now in AR he has always ministered wherever he is needed, as long as he feels called to a certain position. and he trusts my discernment he will not take a position with out us being in agreement. sometimes it's behind the pulpit and sometimes it's in music. it hasn't always been easy. 'cause we have so many children. he has always been real good at protecting me from the church politics and people that might distract me. he is also good at balance. he has his priorities straight. God 1st, wife & fam. 2nd, job 3rd .

all i can do is be love & support him and be his biggest cheerleader. he is called i am not. my first ministry is to our young family. he is really good about making that clear to a congregation that might expect more from me.

worship is a lifestyle for me and my family. if I find myself having trouble in a corporate setting it is usually because I did not put God first during the week. my husband may have shared too much and there is unforgiveness in my heart. I had to learn to pray that all distractions be removed before each service.

I pray you will be able to love, support, and encourage your husband in his ministry.
ask him not to share with you all the details of everything going on around him. refuse to listen to gossip. and strengthen your relationship with Jesus by living a life focused on HIM everyday. cast all your cares on HIM for HE cares for you and all the little details of your life. if you find yourself totally distracted. pray for the people, be a blessing. bring a sacrifice of praise. and HE will inhabit your praises. may you experience an immeasurable blessing as you worship this year.

i hope this helps, vickie

Charissa - posted on 06/26/2009

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I have been through this too, believe me I can't tell you how I have struggled in our marriage because I didn't agree with what he thought was his calling..... I have been through so much pain. I have fought with the Lord, I have begged the Lord, and I have said Lord, please, please, change this, do ANYTHING, but please Lord, I can't handle this. And the Lord said, "My grace is sufficient for you", "There are things I want to do in your life that I couldn't do any other way". That was NOT what I wanted to hear. I too have a very hard time listening to messages when I was just terribly hurt 5 minutes ago, or when I think that they are REALLY off in the way they are doing this or that thing.

But all I can say is that when you are in ministry you will feel disappointment and hurt on an almost constant basis. I know that this is not encouraging at all, but the thing is that the Lord promised that in this world we would have tribulation. Sometimes if you just expect it, it makes it not such a surprise when it comes. Sometimes we expect ministry to be a honeymoon. In fact it is one of the hardest places to be. I like to think that is because the enemy knows we are doing something for the kingdom and he steps up the spiritual warfare.

What has helped me the most is to realize that my job as a pastors wife (even though I never really signed up for my situation) is to make my relationship with the Lord strong. People at church are going to be looking up to you whether you like it or not. Also you will have to learn to forgive people (especially the leadership in your church) 70 times 7, or the Lord says that he will not forgive us. This is hard I know, but it really comes down to having incredible grace, love and forgiveness for other people. I had to learn to receive my strength in my Christian walk not from times at church (messages from the pastor, the worship time etc) but to receive my strength from my time with the Lord. It is really the only way to stay sane and survive. I realized I was becoming bitter and hardened, and I didn't like who I was becoming. I had to pray that this situation would make me softer and more full of grace and love, and not hardened and bitter. One verse that has helped tremendously is not letting even a ROOT of bitterness develop (I think it is Hebrews 13).

Also, although this is not what you signed up for, try to realize that this is still a high privilege and a high calling, even though you may not want it. There are many other women out there who would give almost anything to be in your shoes.

One of my wise friends a long time ago told me, "with almost every blessing there is a burden, and with every burden there is almost always a blessing".

I pray that the Lord will be your strength and truly your all-in-all, and that as you look to Him, He will guide your feet every step of the way.

Gillian - posted on 06/24/2009

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I know how you feel .when i married my husband he was a farmer! now he is what is called an ordinand..that means he is in thoelogical college training for the Church of Ireland mininstry ( anglican). while I feel tha tGod is indeed calling me to support him I still find that at time especially on Sundays I can feel a little resentful that he is not with us..his parish is 40 miles away and as for Christmas morning....lets not even go there....but in my heart I know tha we are only doin what God has asked us sometimes its hard...I didnt sign up for this...!

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