Gail - posted on 11/26/2008 ( 3 moms have responded )
I've been having a hellish time the last few weeks. I could deal with my chest infection, my cold and my personal problems but it's the crippling agony of deression from which I cannot escape. But that's old news. It comes and goes and comes and goes. It's been sticking around for awhile and sometimes I just feel like I'm at a loss.
My amazingly supportive partner ( props to my sweetie!) went to work not long ago and left me curled in a ball on the sofa crying while Elmo sang annoyingly yet effectively on TV and our 2-year-old hung out happily playing by himself. After awhile he got bored and I watched as he pulled a chair over to the counter ad took down the flour and the formula and the sugar and the salt and the muesli and had a grand time systematically pouring them all over himself, the floor, the sofa...you get the idea. I watched but I couldn't budge. Physical danger is the only time when I can actually move (thank God!) When my partner got home he wasn't in the slightest bit frazzled - just happy that our son was safe and told me not to worry as we have a vacuum and a dog :-)
That's all good and fine but what the hell? Is that me as a mother? A ball on the sofa? Maybe some of you can understand how utterly useless and pathetic I felt (feel.)
When we decided to get pregnant I told my partner that I would only agree to do so if he promised me that when it gets bad he'll take the child away so he/she won't have to see it. He totally disagreed and maintained that it's imperative that our child know that his mother has an illness just like any other and he may not be able to make it go away but he can offer a hug or tell her he loves her and that in the end it will be normal for him. A few of my friends who had depressive parents were raised that way and they all turned out fine - pretty compassionate people actually.
Anyway, this morning I started crying really hard and my son started crying too. The first thing I did was wipe my eyes, smile and say that I was fine. Then I remembered our rule. I let some more tears fall, got down to his level and said, "Mama's really sad right now. It's not because of anything you did. You know how sometimes you get sad and cry? Mamas and papas get sad and cry too and that's OK." I asked him for a hug and he gave me one and smiled. I know I handled that one right.