Time and Life Just Dragging On

Gail - posted on 11/26/2008 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hi Ladies,

I've been having a hellish time the last few weeks. I could deal with my chest infection, my cold and my personal problems but it's the crippling agony of deression from which I cannot escape. But that's old news. It comes and goes and comes and goes. It's been sticking around for awhile and sometimes I just feel like I'm at a loss.

My amazingly supportive partner ( props to my sweetie!) went to work not long ago and left me curled in a ball on the sofa crying while Elmo sang annoyingly yet effectively on TV and our 2-year-old hung out happily playing by himself. After awhile he got bored and I watched as he pulled a chair over to the counter ad took down the flour and the formula and the sugar and the salt and the muesli and had a grand time systematically pouring them all over himself, the floor, the sofa...you get the idea. I watched but I couldn't budge. Physical danger is the only time when I can actually move (thank God!) When my partner got home he wasn't in the slightest bit frazzled - just happy that our son was safe and told me not to worry as we have a vacuum and a dog :-)

That's all good and fine but what the hell? Is that me as a mother? A ball on the sofa? Maybe some of you can understand how utterly useless and pathetic I felt (feel.)

When we decided to get pregnant I told my partner that I would only agree to do so if he promised me that when it gets bad he'll take the child away so he/she won't have to see it. He totally disagreed and maintained that it's imperative that our child know that his mother has an illness just like any other and he may not be able to make it go away but he can offer a hug or tell her he loves her and that in the end it will be normal for him. A few of my friends who had depressive parents were raised that way and they all turned out fine - pretty compassionate people actually.

Anyway, this morning I started crying really hard and my son started crying too. The first thing I did was wipe my eyes, smile and say that I was fine. Then I remembered our rule. I let some more tears fall, got down to his level and said, "Mama's really sad right now. It's not because of anything you did. You know how sometimes you get sad and cry? Mamas and papas get sad and cry too and that's OK." I asked him for a hug and he gave me one and smiled. I know I handled that one right.

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3 Comments

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Sabrina - posted on 01/02/2010

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AH! sooo im not the only one who has succombed to curling up like a ball and crying her eyes out on a perfetly good day. My brain said "get up" and my body said " no comprende" yes, i relate to the pathetic feeling. especially when I know ( knew ) how much more I was capable of as a mom.
this too shall pass..tellyourself!
you on meds? also, my doctor told me to keep a calander and mark every day i was this depressed and rank it with a number 1 to 10. persoanlly, i drew clouds. sometimes i drew entire stroms with lightning bolts and all. no joke.
i even wrote timeof day if it got worse and my tears always came after 5ish....when the sun went down, anxiety set in??
your baby needs you......u need to bark at your doctor and get help, hospitalization or support in healing. your hubby sounds patient, willing to clean up the mess so to speak, not judge...GREAT! but you also need someone experianced in healing pro-actively in this disease.

Tammy - posted on 03/05/2009

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Hey Gail i sooo know where ur coming from i go through that and i have 3 kids some days i wonder why im here and that they would be better off with out me but i could never leave my kids . im glad u have someone that supports u and helps u through this my family just laugh and tell me to get over it anyways if u ever need to talk im here to listen hope ur haven a better day .

Mary - posted on 02/22/2009

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Hi Gail,

i was in some another part of this website and read your post. i noticed that no one replied and i had just responded to another lady in a different circle with kinda the same senario. I hate to see anybody going through depression because i've been there, so i hope my response helps. i just going to cut and paste my reply to her, because what i

wrote was better than what i can remember that i wrote. Here goes!!!

I am new to this, but after reading your post, I had to respond. I have been where you are. I spent two years just functioning. I got up, took the kids to school, came home and got back in bed. I spent most of those two years in bed. Before and during this time, I was well aware that even in the most awful times, we as christians can still smile because Jesus died on the cross, and one day we will go home to him. Knowing this soothed my soul, but I was still stuck in my pit and paralyzed by clinical depression and pain. And at some point after months of pleading with the Lord to help me, heal me, or just give me some answers, his response to me was just be willing to move and I will give you the strength. I will move you and move through you. Allow the Holy Spirit to fill you. If you are willing, I will do the work. So, because I was so tired of being couped up in the house, I just started moving and got out of bed and I went over to the church. I was willing to do anything they wanted me to do, anything that would take the focus off of my own problems. I felt that I would rather be there doing something, than at home doing nothing. Slowly as I continued to volunteer myself and touch other peoples lives and do God's work, he started to heal me and my problems. I am out of my pit and helping other women to do the same. At times of tribulation, the bible says to welcome it because it grows our character. When you are in the pit, it is so hard to do this. BUT, and this is so important, you must trust in the love that God has for you and know that anything that you must endure is for your growth and for your own good. To see this in the midst of adversity it difficult, that is why we must walk by faith and not by sight. For example if God asks you to walk across hot coals 10 times. More than likely our initial response is why?. but what if God told you that after you walk across coal 10 times, you will have and abundance of blessings? my response would be Where are the coals? Be encouraged because God loves you so much!! You are his precious princess, his beloved daughter!!! You are his favorite. He has purposed everybody in your world especially for you! He knows what you're going through and in 2 Peter 1:3-4, it says that God has given you everything you need to endure anything. God stretches us and molds us and it doesn't always feel good. Discipline doesn't feel good either, but when we do it to our kids, we know as parents that its necessary for the growth of the child to become a responsible adult. Look at what you're going through, ask God what is he telling you, what does he want you to learn. Learn it, because if you don't, you'll just go around that mountain again. Take from someone whose been around it many times, it is painful, so be a quick learner. Ask the Lord to open your ears and your heart to what he is trying to show you. I hope this helps and I will defintely keep you in my prayers. Many Blessings!!

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