Almost a year and the tears keep coming

Leigh - posted on 11/05/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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On November 28th it will be a year since I lost my baby.
The month before I lost the baby i was having unbearable stomach pains and i have no idea that I was pregnant. I ended up having to live my class and go to the ER. the doctor ran a ton of tests and gave me medicine for an intestinal disorder...I never took the medicine because I didn't that it was that at all. Eventually the pain went away...I assumed it was from stress. I was going to school and working full time and had a toddler. Plus me and her father were splinting up.
On the 26th of last year i took a pregnancy at home...i just felt pregnant and i was having weird symptoms. like having a light period, dizziness, extremely tired, and i cried a lot...and the stomach pains were back..well i was pregnant. I was excited. I love the time i spent with my daughter and wanted more children, even with timing being off....like the timing is ever right.
The next day I told, daughter she was going to be a big sister...i started looking up stuff for the baby and looking for a o.b, since i got rid of everything and the doctor i had for my daughter retired. I felt awesome that day
On the 28th i woke up covered in blood...i was scared and then i felt kind of spacey, like i wasn't happening. I got cleaned up and took my daughter with me to the hospital...it didn't matter. The doctor keep telling all the ways that i could of kill the baby....like too much caffeine, not eating right, stress..ect. I remember just getting my daughter from the nurse and leaving...i didn't care that he was still talking.
I never call anyone that night...just put my daughter to bed and sat on the couch...just thinking of all the ways i could of stopped it...I know now it not my fault, but it still hurts that she not there. I took me all day to call my ex and tell my mom. I needed to talk to someone.
They tired to be comforting and don't yet me wrong I really appreciate them for tiring, but telling me it better this way, or maybe there was something wrong with the kid is not comforting. I was really surprised by my mom, she had a problems and ended up having 5 miscarriages. she told me in a few months that i wouldn't think about it at all. That everything heals with time.
I want to yell at her right now....it hasn't passed with time. How can she just forget about it? I think about it all the time.....I try to stay busy, why am I still crying? All i wanted to do is have my baby in my arms and to stop feeling like this all the time.

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6 Comments

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Heather - posted on 09/10/2011

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I'm sorry for your loss. I suffered a miscarriage June 17, 2009 and I still think of that child every day. I have an amazing husband who understands that I will always miss that child, and when I become depressed and need to cry for that baby he gives me my space. My mother suffered two misscarriages almost 30 years ago and she says she still gets sad from time to time. The saddness will never completely go away, but it will ease.

Krissy - posted on 03/30/2011

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Those feelings are very normal, but ... I'm not good at this... we had a speaker at our church once that leads grief counseling sessions. He spoke about his ministry and what it was there for.

He mentioned that the really strong feelings of loss and everything is very normal... and that there really is no set NORMAL for a reaction...

One lady he counseled slept with her dead husbands ashes... at first, he said, that was normal... but as it persisted (for over a year)... he started recommending deeper counseling.

The point he made was... whatever we do in grief is normal... whatever we feel, etc... but when it starts to go on for an excessive time (and you only can tell yourself what you think might be excessive)... then you need to seek some deeper help.

:) I hope that this helps... I'm just passing on what was told me. I'm so sorry. I just lost one, too.... not easy,... and that's an understatement.

Amy - posted on 01/27/2011

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Leigh,

Sorry for your loss, it is so heartbreaking and just so you know it has been several years since my last miscarriage (actually about 5 years ago) and I still cry sometimes. It did eventually get better but it never goes away, how can it? I really think you should look into counseling though, there are many programs out there that are free, or you can try a support group that meets weekly. Don't underestimate the power of healing being in a group situation can give you. The best thing to do is talk about it and there is noone better to talk about it than with others who have been through it. I will be thinking about you and I hope it gets better for you soon.

Melony - posted on 01/05/2011

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Im so sorry for you and im know moms are right but i dont think she is this time it has been 8 months since i lost my baby and i still think aboutwhat would have been all the time. Everyone tells me it will be better with time and im not so sure of that i still cry almost every day even if no one knows sometimes it is all i can do and i fell better for a little bit after. But you have a daughter that needs you and that may have to be what gets you thur the day. Hope you have better days soon.

Leigh - posted on 11/08/2010

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I would so go to therapy if I had insurance....i have before and it does make a huge difference...so i decide to do this group instead and it is wonderful just to know that I am not alone and not going crazy...so thank you and I am so sorry for your lose.

Carrie - posted on 11/08/2010

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I am so sorry your going through this pain still. I just found out last week that we lost our little one and am still carrying him/her in my belly. This is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I know its not something I will ever forget or get over. We lost our babies and it dosent matter if we were 9 months pregnant or 6 weeks. I loved this baby and nothing will change that. My advice for you if you haven't already would be to either seek some therapy which I am a big believer in. It helps to talk to someone outside your everyday life. Or make something to remember your baby. I printed out a bunch of quotes and I am going to make a little scrapbook. That way in the future when I am feeling down I can look back at it and remember. Heres a quote that I love . "How very softly you tiptoed into my world. Almost silently, Only a moment you stayed. But that an imprint your footprints have left in our hearts." Good luck to you on your healing.

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