how is a person that has had a miscarriage ment to feel i am still working it out ? lyndal

Nicole - posted on 12/03/2009

Hi,
I had a miscarriage June 2008 at 12 weeks after trying to get pregnant for 2 years. I got pregnant again on fertility drugs this year but lost my baby girl at 9 weeks 3 months ago. (they knew it was a girl from extensive lab tests).

My feelings: At first I was crushed for both miscarriages. Last year I was filled with the desire to try to have more kids and even immediately get pregnant again if possible. I was driven by my desire to try again until we succeeded. I found it hard to see pregnant women or little babies and children because I felt my loss even more. Every time I heard that a friend or acquaintance got pregnant, my heart rejoiced for them but cried for me. I guess I got preoccupied with this thought.

After my second miscarriage, although I felt a sense of grief; for a while I feared getting pregnant. I went the opposite direction and decided that I did not want any children and I did not want to get pregnant at all. I was almost consumed with this feeling of not wanting to get pregnant although I felt a twinge when I knew someone got pregnant or just had a baby. I believe that it was my fear of loosing the baby again that made me feel this way.

Now 3 months later, the desire to have children is returning but not as intense as before. If we are blessed with our own, AWESOME! If we are not.. well.. that is how it is. I think I am finally coming to terms with what may or may not happen and I am at peace with it.

Like you, I still need to keep working it out. The important thing is to allow yourself to feel the emotions you do or lack of. I believe it is all a grieving process and to accept that all your feelings are normal. Each of us respond differently to life changing events.

My husband and I are continuing to try to have kids although it is no longer a preoccupation.

Dawn - posted on 11/30/2009

my heart goes out to all you mums ,i lost my baby friday 11 weeks im in shock, i went for my dating scan and i was told there was no baby just the sac,they think my baby died when i was 7 weeks.then the next day i passed my baby at home,alone sat on the bathroom floor for four hours,this would have been my 10th child,and yes very much wanted,my family have told i have 9 other good ones,but you know that means nothing to me i wanted my baby so much ,enyway good luck to you all sorry for going on xxx

Stephanie - posted on 08/12/2009

Vallisa,

I am so sorry for your loss. The next few weeks are going to be very hard but stay strong and work through it. Take the time you need to grieve and let no one tell you how or how long to. I had a miscarrige at 10wks August of 2007. One year later I had my son. Don't let it discourage you from trying again. Again I am sorry for your loss!

Hugs
Steph

Valissa - posted on 08/12/2009

i just found out today i had a miscarriage. i have three children and was trying hard for this one, and was so scared something would happen. this one would have been 7 weeks today, i've saw it last week so it was very real to me. i have no clue how i should feel. i'm very confused, frustrated, sad, guilty, i just don't know what to do.

Michele - posted on 02/18/2009

I did some internet research & the medical professionals estimate that one in four women will have a miscarriage. That is shocking! Even though it is common place to Dr.s...it is a life-changing experience for the moms.

I had a miscarriage a month ago. My husband & I have three kids already & we were not planning on having any more. It took awhile to get pregnant, so I didn't think I had to worry about getting pregnant out f the blue, but I did. I was not trying to get pregnant & was not looking forward to more kids, so I was in denial that I was even pregnant, until I miscarried. I knew something was not right, although I wasn't very far along. I feel guilty because I was a little relieved that I was not pregnant. I am sad that I lost a baby, but I have not cried over it. Maybe I will later. It happened and ended so quickly, its like it never happened. I am confused and have many emotions to sort out still.

Becky - posted on 02/08/2009

Hi,

I really think it is different for everyone. Some people may even feel relief as they were not wanting children, some it can effect make them numb etc.

I had a miscarriage after a rape and felt nothing for the loss, not relief, not sadness, not anger, just nothing! Yet i had three miscarriages with my husband and the pain was raw and hurt for ages. I seemed to always miscarry in an October which made things hard.

I wouldn't try and force a feeling or feel that you should be sobbing your heart out, it just is so different for each person and each miscarriage.

I now have two wonderful children and occasionally i wonder about the other three i lost. It might sound awful but i never even really think of the first miscarriage as a baby. That is why i guess i don't feel anything for its loss. I am sorry if anyone thinks that makes me evil or cold.

Hope that helps

Becky

Sherry - posted on 01/27/2009

I've had 2 documented miscarriages and 2 that were not documented. I usually only count the ones that were documented. The first one was April 2005. I found out I was pregnant. I went to my first OB appt, the test was positive at the doc, the u/s was negative so they sent me for blood work. I found out I already lost the baby on April 20, 2005 the day my nephew was born by emergency C section, he had a knot in the cord. The second one was May 2007. I found out while out of town. I scheduled my OB appt for when we would be home. I lost the baby one week before my first OB appt. Both were very hard on me. My husband says I need to let go but I can't. We have been trying for a second baby since April 2004. My angel babies would be 3 and 1. I just try not to think about it but of course it is hard and I don't think I will ever not think about it.

Erin - posted on 01/27/2009

So greatful for this question. I was wondering the same thing. I lost my baby last week at 7 weeks. I have 3 other children and wasn't planning a fourth but when my husband and I found out about it we were so excited and picking names. Then with no warning I began spotting which lead to the loss. I had no pain, no way of knowing. I go through every emotion, everyday now. We are considering trying again, not to replace this one (because that can't be done) but because now we want another. I'm just scared of losing another one. I am so sorry for you losses as well. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. Bless you all!

Catherine - posted on 01/26/2009

I had a miscarriage 4yrs ago this february and still a day doesnt go by when i dont think about my baby. There is no correct or wrong way to feel as every person is an individual . The way i felt helped was to see my baby as an angel who had to go somewhere special, i couldnt begin to describe my emotions . You will start to get there just remember you are grieving and that itself is a process. Surround yourself with what ever makes you smile x

Marissa - posted on 01/23/2009

hi lyndal, i've miscarried twice. emotions i felt, just name it, i went through it all. I wouldn't say there was an order to how these feelings emerged, but these are a few that I experienced: shock, disbelief, longing, rage, hopelessness, frustration, numbness, calmness, peace. i think each mom&dad have their own way.

Kim - posted on 01/20/2009

No one can tell you how to feel. Each miscarriage and each person is different. I miscarried at 8 weeks in 2005 and then lost quads at 5 months of pregnancy, so I have felt it all- and still do. My 8 weeks loss was devastating and everything happened so fast. My emotions after losing my quads was so much more extreme because I lost them one at a time over a period of 4 weeks. Allow yourself time to grive. How long??? That will be something only you can tell yourself. I still think about my children. All of them. I know what you are going through. There will always be a place that is empty. Not sure how far along you were, but I can tell you, don't give up hope. My husband and I tried for 10 years before we were blessed with our little boy. He was 8 weeks early.

Just remember that people sometimes don't know what to say or how to help, but do what you have to do and don't let anyone else decide that for you.

Stephanie - posted on 01/18/2009

I had a miscarriage in Aug of 2007. I was absoutly crushed.  I was trying to stay strong because am a stay at home mom with two other little ones who where 1 and 3 at the time. I had great support from family and friends but i still had to go through it my own way. it took a few months for me to get past it.  I still think about the baby i lost all the time. I lost it at 10 wks. we went to have an ultrasound done to determine the due date and found that i had a sac but there was no baby.  I  know exactly what you are going through, by no means is it easy. hang in there.