My story... how it hurts!

Cara - posted on 08/08/2011 ( 2 moms have responded )

I want to start by saying i know that i am extremely blessed to have 2 healthy beautiful boys born 3 yrs apart.
My second son is only 2 weeks old today. Beautiful and healthy. I had my one and only miscarriage almost a year ago now, the date is approaching fast. I love my boys. but in the back of my mind always thought we'd try again for a girl. If it ended up being a boy I'd be thrilled too but since finding out at 20 weeks that the last one was a boy, wanted to try one more time for that girl. Talking with my partner recently i discovered he is really firm on only having 2 kids. I understand that completely, but in the back of my mind now i feel like the miscarriage i had almost a year ago, may have been my chance for my girl. Of coures if i had not miscarried i would obvously not have my baby boy now, but it still hurts. i feel a little empty space in my heart now knowing that he is my last and that i wont have to chance to meet my possible daughter. I miscarried at only 8 weeks so of course theres no way to know what the sex was, but its still a thought in the back of my mind that i lost my girl. The experience of the miscarriage itself was horrible. i had gone to my doctor to inform her of my pregnancy (it was planned) and because of my size she decided to send me for an ultrasound to see if it might be twins. Of course i was a little nervous t the thought of having 2 babies at once, but the excitement overpowered the nerves for sure. so there i lay on the ultrasound bed with the radiologist and her student, only to overhear them chatting about NOT being able to find a heartbeat. (techs are not supposed to under any circumstances discuss results with the patient or IN FRONT of the patient, but there i was, alone, as they dont let family or partners in the room during the first part of an ultrasound, absolutly terrified listening to the radiologist and her student talk about this, than the top doc enters and again, no one can find a heartbeat. They then told me they couldnt find it (like i diddnt already know) adn that they were going to call my doctor to see wht she wanted to do. Of course my doctor was on holidays so they talked to one of the other doctors at the clinic and told me to go see her. So there i was, in a daze walking out of the ultrasound room to greet my mother and partner, both expecting to see the tech coming out to invite them in to hear the heartbeat and see the little one. all i could do is burst into tears and say there was no heartbeat. after going to the doctors and hearing the confirmation i was so numb. my partner seemed to me to be disgustingly unmoved, telling me it was ok and that we could always try again. to this day i dont think he understands at all the loss i felt or the attatchment i had to something that id only known about for a few weeks. i was devistated, and to this day, get teary when i think about it. again i know i am blessed to have 2 healthy boys but today i just cant get over the thought that i lost my girl. i have such an amazing bond with my mom that cant really be acheived between a mother and son, i just feel a little empty at the thought of never having that. and loosing that close feeling when god forbid, my mother passes. i just needed to get this all out today. i dont think that i am depressed or anything, in fact my doctor and nurses are always amazed with how happy and cheerful i am after giving birth. this just all hit me yesterday when i heard my partner telling friends at out meet our baby party that he is happy with 2 and we wont be trying again. its not that we had really discussed it in detail that we would for sure have 3 kids in total, but since we found out the second was also a boy, id always teased him about trying once more for that girl and he never said to me he only wanted 2. it seems ive been living the last while under the impression that this was my middle child. now im looking at him a little different, knowing that he is my last baby. Sigh...