My story of Loss

Kirsten - posted on 01/05/2010 ( 2 moms have responded )

My Story....Sorry if it's TMI

DH and I were trying to get pregnant with our third baby and after two tries we were so excited to get a BFP! I had blood work done in my 4th week and my HCG was doubling wonderfully my Progesterone was 12 both times but it's never been high with either of my other pregnancies. I had some brown discharge at 5 weeks an Ultra Sound showed a healthy looking sac measuring right on but no baby. I was sent to get another blood test and HCG was still wonderful but progesteron was on the low end only 12 so I was sent home with progestin suppliments and started taking it twice daily. Week 6 all my pregnancy symptoms were in full swing I had Morning sickness and adversions to all food. We took a trip to AZ to visit family for Thanksgiving and came home I had my first prenantal appointment at 9 weeks my OB told me she wanted to do a quick US to see the HB and when she looked she didn't see anything but an empty sac I went home devistated I knew something wasn't right that morning I woke up I had a terrible feeling all morning and was in such a bad mood so I don't know if I was really surprised but I was heartbroken. They did more blood work and HCG came back looking fantastic my progesterone levels even went up. So I went home with hope and another US scheduled for the following week it was the longest week but I survived and went to my US the tech saw a sac measuring 8w 2d and baby measuring 6w 3d but no heart beat. So again I was sent home to wait through Christmas that was an even longer week. I had my last US when I was 11w pregnant and it showed no change from the previous week so I had my D&C December 30th. This has been such an emotional roller coaster I am having break downs I've lost 5lbs I don't know how to deal. I don't understand why I feel like I need answers. I'm scared to TTC again but we want another baby. It's going to be so hard if I'm not pregnant with a healthy baby by my due date. I feel like people are judging me becuase I'm taking this so hard but seriously it is SOOOO HARD!!! Thanks for letting me tell my story. It feels good to just talk about it I know my husband is tired of my crying he thinks we just need to move on but I can't just forget this baby. I love him/her no I didn't get to hold or met my baby but I will always love him/her and know I will one day get to hug my child.