5 year old with horrid temper tantrums and accusing me of being mean to her

Misty - posted on 04/16/2013

Wow! I thought I was the only one! My son who is now 11 was no where near the challenge my 5 yr old daughter is! Exact same things we argue about and the screaming, I've never done the hitting thing I usually lock myself in my room or walk outside to calm down. But definitely get close to that point. Have you tried the 1....2....3.....timeout thing? I would say it's so far been the closest thing that works for me. Oh wait we did recently try something new and it actually was helping with a lot. A sticker chart, I just copied an image off the computer and blew it up, there were 28 spots and kind of use it to help when she is being difficult, it kind of makes her want to be good instead of feeling like she "HAS" to be good. When she filled up the whole chart, she earned herself a trip to the nickelcade. She was so proud!
My daughters temper tantrums sound very much like your daughters, and are a lot to handle. I have the same fears you do right now from reading your post. I too am at a loss of what to do, hope those two suggestions help, they helped a little for me, but we are still struggling.
Please let me know if you have came up with anything that works?

Misty - posted on 04/16/2013

Wow! I thought I was the only one! My son who is now 11 was no where near the challenge my 5 yr old daughter is! Exact same things we argue about and the screaming, I've never done the hitting thing I usually lock myself in my room or walk outside to calm down. But definitely get close to that point. Have you tried the 1....2....3.....timeout thing? I would say it's so far been the closest thing that works for me. Oh wait we did recently try something new and it actually was helping with a lot. A sticker chart, I just copied an image off the computer and blew it up, there were 28 spots and kind of use it to help when she is being difficult, it kind of makes her want to be good instead of feeling

Debbie - posted on 03/23/2013

Don't be so hard on yourself. We all feel and do the things you have. Children make it their mission to tell us they hate us! That's how they get what they want. We back off, feel guilty and give in. It is predictable and taught on every show they watch. The shows these days of selfish and rude children contribute a lot to the behaviors of our children. Responsible mothers' should protest! You are trying to be a responsible mother. It is hard work and very demanding as well as debilitating at times. It is overwhelming and unappreciated. Then there are those most rewarding hugs and kisses that keep us going. I know how you feel. I've been there too. I felt it was my stewardship to raise responsible children. It took everything I had and I felt the loss and frustration you feel to the point that I was considering giving it all up and walking away. Out of desperation, I prayed to God that He would give me help because I didn't want to walk away from my responsiblity as a mother or wife. Little by little the help came and I found a most remarkable parenting program that brought joy in my journey of parenting that I never thought I could have. It was made for my happiness, and came with built in consistency for my success. My children were giving happy first-time obedience and doing what I asked of them as they told me I was the best mom in the whole world! I couldn't believe how easy it was, totally counter-intuitive, but miraculous. Within two weeks my children were asking me how they could help me. They were learning self-reliance in ways I couldn't begin to count. They were trying new things, school work improved, behavior and social manners improved dramatically; the list goes on and on. We used this program for many years with the best reward list for kids that I know of. This program has been kid tested and mother approved for 25 years or more. It is the best parenting survival manual I know of and it comes with a survival kit CD with all the charts for adaptations.
There is a web site that describes the program in detail and offers a 30 day guarantee if you don't get the results I did. I don't know of too many parenting programs or books that do that. http://foxholeparenting.com
http://thebestrewardlist.com
good luck.

Cezar - posted on 12/17/2012

Pick your battles, and don't be so hard on yourself. It's easy to get overwhelmed, 5 is a difficult age to deal with.
I am against advocating the "no yelling" policy because I believe it disrupts the healthy balance of good and bad. It's normal to get angry, it's normal to even raise your voice. Keeping anger bottled up by controlling these little things can accumulate to much bigger problems. We live in a society where venting this way is a sign of weakness, yet the same society has higher than normal percentage of people on antidepressants, and well - unhappiness, compared to the rest of the world.
I am not saying to go all out and yell your brains out until your child is terrified, but I do think that a higher than regular voiced"no" or "time out" is alright. From a child's perspective, I believe this is healthier than a mother balling her eyes out in he bathroom because she can't take it anymore. We fight, we make up...it's a normal way of life.
I don't think she will hate you. I think she will learn from you that despite of being angry, we still love each other. She will learn that nobody is perfect, that the behavior of these closest to our heart can piss the h*ell out of us, but it doesn't mean we don't love them - just the way they are. This, of course, is as long as you don't yell insults, or undermine your kid, and as long as yelling is only occasional and not an hourly occurrence.

I am going to offer you something that works very well regarding clothing - pick a few outfits, our a few pieces of clothing you would want her to wear, and lay it out in front of her to choose. This way you both win. Trust me, it works miracles! :)

Shenna - posted on 11/07/2012

There are steps to discipline! As soon as she doesn't listen its your job to control your temper. It's a hard one I can't count how many times I tell my three year old,"Boy you better run to time out before I get you!" He says some of the craziest things to me!! My God where does he learn it? Anyways as soon as she begins to assert herself tell her why she can't where it, where you two are going and why it requires this dress instead of that dress. Tell her next time you can pick your outfit when we go to the grocery store but today and right now you have to wear this one because of whatever your reason may be. usually explaining the reason cuts out the argument if she has an immediate attitude send her to time out it usually works if it doesn't a spanking if you believe in that. A pop or two should be sufficient. Come back in 5 minutes and try tell her firmly with no yelling, Never yell because they don't hear you when you yell. When you speak and firmly say it they know you mean business. When you yell you've lost control. You've lost control of yourself and the child. Use this tactic on almost every situation and your child will eventually get the picture always use positive reinforcement though never keep the air between you two negative. Praise her when she is vein good. Show and tell her the behavior you expect from her. Eventually she will see when she is good mom is good when she is bad mom is bad!

Heather - posted on 11/06/2012

1. remember that 5 yr olds can't reason like we can

2. your kids will mimic and role model YOUR behavior. If you want them to act more grown up, YOU have to act more grown up.

3. NEVER give attention to undesired behavior. ALWAYS over-exaggerate your praise when she displays desired behavior.

4. You need to let her assert herself in a healthy way by letting her choose between 2 outfits or between 2 meal choices. Parent who don't let their kids make simple choices (i.e. do you want your hair long or short) are developmentally delaying their child.

5. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES. Forget the small stuff that doesn't matter at the end of the day. Will the world end if she wears brown shoes with a black dress? No.

6. If you are having trouble controlling your emotions, you need to see a counselor or maybe get on some meds. I do NOT mean that in a rude way, I'm saying it will make your life easier if you utilize the resources available to you.

Vickie - posted on 11/02/2012

@Elizabeth, honestly, it's kindergarten, not college. Maybe she needs to unwind before she starts homework, or maybe she needs to do it immediately while she's still in "school mode". When my son starts a tantrum over homework I just put it away and say "okay, you don't have to do it, but you will not get a good grade on it, it's your choice." He usually feels better about it when he feels there's a choice and he's choosing to get a good grade and he will pull it back out and do it. If she doesn't pull it back out let her get a bad grade (if the teacher doesn't grade it I would maybe speak to the teacher and ask her to maybe put a sad face on the paper or something to make an impact).

Vickie - posted on 11/02/2012

I don't understand completely, it sounds like you're saying you give her a choice, then when it's not the choice you want her to make she gets mad?



The first thing I would do is only give her a choice if you're prepared to go with whatever she chooses. Second, when she yells at you send her away immediately. "You're being disrespectful, you can not speak to me that way. Go to your room for time out" then DO NOT TALK TO HER while she's there, let her yell or get it out of her system, go outside if you need to, but don't respond. When time is up go speak to her. Don't yell back at her, it shows her that you are out of control which will make her feel out of control.



Also, don't ASK her to do things that aren't choices. Tell her. "Susie, please go put your shoes on now." Not "Susie, will you please go put your shoes on?" because then you're just opening her up to say no.



About the clothing battle, I gave up a long time ago and now only insist that they wear clothes appropriate for the weather and the easiest way to do this is only keep clothes in their closet that are appropriate. My 8yo has ODD and this solved alot of problems with us getting ready for school. It doesn't matter if he matches or if his shirt has a small stain on it (although I try to keep the ones not okay for school put up, too), it's just not worth the argument.



That's the last thing, you need to really consider when you feel yourself getting angry, how important is it that you get your way? Because once you make it an issue you know it's going to be a fight, is it worth it?



And don't hit your child when you're angry, one day she's going to hit you back when she gets angry because that's what you've taught her.

Sylvia - posted on 10/31/2012

@Elizabeth -- Frankly, I don't blame her for not wanting to do homework. Who gives homework to 5-year-olds?! (I know: this is the new normal in many school systems. That doesn't mean it's developmentally appropriate.)



Is this something that happens often? I've found with my DD that meltdowns and freak-outs are much more likely to happen when she was hungry and/or tired and/or upset about something else. Very often the immediate cause of a meltdown isn't the real cause -- it's just the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. Just like you're more likely to yell at her if you had a bad day at work (at least, I am ...). So you might start by making sure that before homework time she's had a good snack and some time to relax and decompress, and also that she's getting enough sleep (this is much harder, since obviously you can't *make* kids go to sleep :P)



The thing to remember is that she almost certainly isn't doing this to piss you off -- she's doing it because she has big overwhelming feelings that she doesn't yet know how to cope with constructively. So it's important not to "cave" -- pitching a fit doesn't get you out of doing your homework -- but it's also really, really important (a) not to escalate the situation by freaking out yourself and (b) to set her up for success instead of failure. Doing (a) may sometimes involve giving yourself a "time out" -- if you feel like you can't deal with her for one more minute without doing something you'll regret, go into another room and shut the door so you can calm down! Just don't frame it as a punishment -- don't say "I can't stand listening to you scream", say "Mommy needs some alone time to calm down" or something like that. Doing (b) involves the stuff I mentioned above -- paying attention to blood-sugar levels, fatigue, and other circumstances that may be affecting her behaviour. Some of those you can control, some you can't, but if you can cut the meltdowns per week from four to two just by doing snacks and playtime before homework instead of after, then it's worth it!



Also, lots of kids behave better when they get less screen time (TV, computer, etc.) and more running-around time. And with some kids, their behaviour is affected by certain foods and food additives -- I know a few mums who swear that certain types of food dye dramatically alter their kids' behaviour, for instance.



It's also possible that something is happening at school. It might not be anything you would think of as a big deal, but at this age a fight with a friend or a classmate who made a mean comment can ruin your whole week.



I haven't said anything about spanking because I don't spank and I don't know anyone IRL who does, so I have no real idea what effect it would have on a kid who's already having a meltdown (I can't imagine it would be a good effect, but what do I know?).

Elizabeth - posted on 10/30/2012

My daughter is 5 and just had a tantrum over not wanting to do homework. It was the worst one that I have seen. She got to the point of hitting, screaming and punching objects, including me.

I am not sure how to handle this myself because I was never like this with my parents. Her tantrums get worse over time.



How do you handle them without yelling or spanking? This is not an easy task to get through as a single mom and I'm looking for any suggestions to be affective.

Nicola - posted on 09/08/2012

my 5 year old daughter is having terrible temper tantrums and no matter what i do she dose not learn.I reward her if she is good and i take away her treats if she is bad .We dont seem to go anywhere these days cause she behaves so badly all the time.She has started having these tantrums more frequet and they go on for about 3 hours any advice.

Gabrielle - posted on 03/30/2012

I wonder how surprised she would be if you told her you will not talk to her until she can speak to you with a nice voice. Then ignore her and get busy with something like picking up, dusting, doing a puzzle, pretending to read a book. . . or you could tell her she has to stay in her room with the door closed but she can't come out until she can use a nice voice. It will be up to her when she comes out, that will give her some power over her part of the situation and may teach her some self-control. If she wants to be heard, she cannot yell and scream, because we can't hear what they're saying when they're so loud. We can only hear an inside voice. But, likewise, when we yell at them, their adrenaline pumps through their body and they get confused. They can't hear what we're saying when we're yelling either. When my kids were young, before I blew up, I would tell them that I was feeling very mad and I have to go to time out. I would go into my bedroom for a few minutes, calm down and come out of my room with a smile on my face. Then we would talk things out. I would let them know that I felt better after my time-out alone. So, they would put themselves in time out when they would start to feel mad. It didn't happen every time, but we did it most of the time. They're teenagers now, but it's a funny memory we share sometimes. I hope things work out and become less stressful for you both.

Elaine - posted on 03/15/2012

Let her make some choices on her own. They will tell you "I hate you" on a daily basis. I just tell my daughter "But I love you ok?!" She is just wanting to be able to do some things for herself. I understand wanting her to know whos boss, I have that issue myself. But I hav had to pick and choose my battles with her. She is very independent and stubborn. So I have had to learn to let some issues go because they are not as big as I or her are making them out to be.

Tammy - posted on 03/12/2012

my kids did that to i just sent them to their room and had them stay there till i clamed down and i had a talk with them but it is like you said you can not give in to them i have a 3 year old granddaughter who does them same with her mother but at my house she is as good as gold and when she does something wrong i put her on the wall for a few minutes and then i ask her why she was put there and she knows sometimes you just have to stay firm with them and when they say that you are a mean mom just say yes i am but i love you.

Allana - posted on 03/11/2012

My daughter does this too... Give her choices, which you control (red sweater or blue sweater) if she disagrees and screams for her pink halter, calmly say " I'm sorry you feel that way, but its cold out and its innapropriate" give her a few mins to think about that, and if she still fights, then its your choice... After having that freedom, then having it taken away because of her own actions, it'll stop. Then shell be happy... Remember, no leeway makes for a rebelious teenager too

Tania - posted on 07/19/2011

why can't she pick out her own clothes? Maybe you are being too controlling...I mean, kids need to make choices...blue shirt or red shirt etc...also don't let guilt guide you. If she understands her behaviour is wrong, provide a suitable consequence, and IGNORE her name calling/ranting. She doesn't hate you, but I bet she can figure out its working on you. Take a breather, give yourself a time-out instead of hitting her. I locked myself in the garage once to keep from hearing my daughter's last tantrum. Make the consequences fit her crime, make her say sorry and talk to her about her behaviour when you and her are both calm. Good luck with your 5 year old's temper tantrums...

Deepti - posted on 02/24/2011

thanx for the comments... being a mom i have gone thru these issues with my 7 year old and gearing up for my preschooler daughter.:))
i have shared my experiences and perspective at the given below link...pls feel free to join me in our journey of parenting:
http://perspectiveofdeepti.blogspot.com/

Deepti - posted on 02/24/2011

hi fareha, i believe u understand the exact problem and its root cause... sometimes we have to change our ways and attitude to bring change in our kid... pls do not mind but she is just imitating u and if u really want to change her then next time do not yell or say no if whatever she is asking is not totally wrong... probably u will gain a lot from the link given below if u want instant chage in ur daily scenario:http://perspectiveofdeepti.blogspot.com/...

Staci - posted on 02/23/2011

Pick your battles. I once heard Dr. Phil say something to the effect of "choose your battles. You can get so caught up in winning the battles that you lose the war". This made a huge impact on me. I have a very short fuse too. What I finally realized is that I am raising a very smart, decisive, independent woman. Sometimes I have to overlook the little girl stuff (and I dread the teenage years) and remember that: A BAD WITH HER IS BETTER THAN ANY DAY WITHOUT HER. I keep it on my bathroom mirror. I have to look at myself sometimes and think about how I would feel if someone was yelling at me. Don't blame her. Let her feel like she has some control. Make her think it is her idea. My 5 year old was walking through a parking lot and said that she was too old to hold hands. So I asked her if she would hold my hand because I was too old to do it by myself. The final result was that I got my way. Remember that you are teaching her to be a mom. It is easier said than done. You can do it. You can. When your daughter grows up she will always remember what a good, understanding and loving mom she had.

Wendy - posted on 01/12/2011

Honey she knows where ALL your buttons are. Your sweet little girl has hit the stage where she wants to know where the bounderies are and you have to provide them. However, she seems well developed in knowing what she wants too. You don't want to squash an independent spirit either. You can do something that I've been trying with my son who's 4 yrs old and has mild ASD (Autism). Talk to her about her options and let her decide. Is it so earth shattering if she goes to school in hot pink and orange for one day? What you're doing isn't healthy for her or you. Your blood pressure will suffer. You are probably at a point where your parenting style will have to adjust (this does happen occassionally as they grow up). Her picking her own clothes may just free you up for something else. Remember parenting isn't one sided it's a relationship and it can be healthy or not. Your choice ultimately.

Kathy - posted on 01/10/2011

Sherri, I agree with you 100%, Ida should not have left her daughter in front of a store no matter what and I also agree she should have been charged with child endangerment. Lets not help the sick child molesters out there by purposely leaving our children on sidewalks in front of a busy grocery store because they acting up. I hope you can hear the disgust in my voice.

Kathy - posted on 01/10/2011

Pick your battles, your daughter is right, you are being mean! take some parenting classes and anger management classes before you physically hurt your daughter! She is 5!!! Who cares if her clothes don't match!

Sherri - posted on 01/09/2011

Sorry Ida but you do not leave your 3 yr old in front of a store where anyone could have kidnapped her or worse!! You should have been charged with child endangerment, completely flabbergasted!!

Ida - posted on 01/09/2011

Your job as a parent is to set limits. temper tantrums is to see who has control. When you give in, she has control. You have got to learn how not to respond to her behavior. For example: I once sent my three year old to her room and told her not to come out until she realized why I sent her to her room. She stormed up the stairs screaming and slammed her door. I did not say a word. She stayed there for 8 hours. She then came out and apologized. again at three she had a temper tantrum at Krogers at he front entrance. I walked by her, got a cart and went shopping. Forty fiv minutes later the customer service desk paged me, she state "Mommy you left me." I stated Baby I came to shop. When I say no that is what I mean. Temper trantrums do not move me!" After that discussion I have not had a temper tantrum since. She is 17 years old now

Lori - posted on 01/09/2011

I know that this is a very frustrating situation for you. You probably feel like you are the child and your child holds the reins. I want to say that what I feel you should change right away is the yelling. To a child, when you get to this point, they have won already. You have already lost the control. I found the best way to deal with a fit is to get down to their level and use your "no BS mommy voice". Let her know that you are in charge and no amount of yelling or screaming will change that. You need to remain the parent here. If you stand over your child screaming they see this as threatening. Imagine someone bigger than you towering over you and see how it makes you feel. Use words that have power over the situation, I like to keep them simple... NO! ...STOP!... ENOUGH!.... Use that mommy voice when you do, BUT do not go overboard. Also give her a chance to let her have a say in this conversation. It will show her that she also has an opinion here. That you value her opinion also. Dont be embarrassed by your child, She is the one behaving this way, and if anyone says anything to you, inform them that you are doing your best and walk away. Your daughter should be the one embarrassed by her actions. Let her be. To me I feel that a child will use everything in their arsenal to get what they want, your confidence is just another that she will use. If you "lose it" DO NOT go and hug her. That shows her that you feel remorse for the way she behaved. Talk after its all over, face to face. Remember to get down to her eye level.

I am assuming when you say you "hit" her you are meaning spank. I do believe in spankings if it is a last resort or there is an imminent danger to the child or another life. BUT always be sure YOU are in complete control of your emotions before you ever spank a child. If your emotions are flying all over the place, you cannot be sure that your spankings will be also.

When you child goes into the room and starts to yell and scream, she is trying to get you to come to her. Which from what I have read is what you do. Dont let her have the power in your relationship, but do allow her to have her opinions too. Dont forget that the "Mommy Voice" is more powerful and intimidating that any screams you will ever use. Hopefully this helps with your 5 year old's temper tantrums and will help you gather the strength to stand up and become the mother she will respect not push around.

Klara - posted on 01/07/2011

It is very difficult to control our emotions sometimes! My fear is that when I lose it, I am showing my kids that even adults can't control themselves. I think maybe a time out for both of you at the point you begin to get upset is important. Then discuss it later? Do you have house rules and consequences? Just a thought, so she knows exactly what is expected of her? I agree she needs to know you are in charge, but make sure you pick your battles and only assert your authority in the times when it is really important. Then when you do, make sure you follow through with what you say and your expectations are clear. Some safety issues are simply nonnegotiable! Its good to allow kids to make mistakes on their own when they are in a safe environment though. Maybe if you nee to make certain desicions, give her a choice of two things. That way she can still make a choice, but since you are giving the choices, but choices are acceptable by you. Like pick two acceptable outfits and let her choose one. Or pick two books and let her choose whichto read. That way maybe she'll feel more in control, but ultimately, you are still making the choice. Good luck with your 5 year old's temper tantrums, and sometimes you just need to take a deep breath and count to 10 before reacting. Parenting is not easy, I agree, but hang in there!

Brooke - posted on 01/07/2011

Try looking at it this way- if you don't give her some control, and let her learn how to make desicions- and deal with consequenses- then you will have a different type of teenager, one who does not know how to think things through and make a proper decision, and then she is likely to get into a lot of trouble, because all she knows how to do is follow orders, and the orsers she will be getting is from her friends.
Also, if she feels she has no control at home, she will hate it and is actually MORE likely to rebel.
Yes, you are the parent, and you do need to control the big stuff- eating healthy, bedtime etc., but your daughter needs to feel as if she is a valued and respected part of your family- and this means being listened to as well as listening to you.
Sorry to sound so blunt, I really wish you luck with this issue, i know it is a major one for parents as the kids get older and more independent.

Susan - posted on 01/06/2011

Firstly she's the child and your the adult shes mimicking you. Try and stay calm or walk away and get drink of water with Bach Rescue Remedy to help reassure you.
Secondly you can try compromise, do some things she wants and she'll do some things you want. Even sit down and write a plan for bad behaviour where adults get punished too if lose your temper, like run up and down stairs. Thirdly chose your battles and let her win small ones so she feels better about herself. Im a single mum of 7-year old boy and we've had many battles but having back up from other family members for both of you is important.

Sherri - posted on 01/06/2011

Okay how about this you give her some option do as I say if you choose not to do as I say, X will happen. Such as no TV, video games etc. for X amt of time. This way she is in control as she opts to do as she is asked if not she is completely aware of the implications and it is her choice. This way no yelling, hitting or loss of control happens and she isn't getting away with murder either. It should help with the tantrums and your loss of control.



Also I would not tolerate any disrespect even for a moment that is automatic loss of any privileges. My oldest only ever said hate you ONCE in his entire life and it was around 4 yrs old. None of the others have ever said anything of the sort. Hate is a word not allowed in our home. Anything other than a roof over your head, food, clothing and school is a privilege and privileges are earned and not an automatic or mandatory thing.



I also would give her two outfits to pick from and if she doesn't choose then you choose for her. I am anal about my kids clothing even to this day especially for school for my 13 and 12 yr old it must be school clothes and then they have weekend bum clothes. My 4yr old has no say I still lay out his clothing for him daily and will do so until at least 3rd grade or so, just as I did for the older two.

Seema - posted on 01/05/2011

Choose your battles. If what she wants doesn't cause her harm or is not wrong - just give in. If u feel it will - put your foot down. The small stuff is just not worth the angst in your life and hers.

Kelsey - posted on 01/05/2011

My daughter is 6 and she throws fits over silly little things too. It sounds like you must be doing the right thing and I think the letting her choose things is a good idea as well as the other ladies. My daughter decides what she wants for breakfast and I let her choose from two different outfits in the morning. I even let her choose which little animal washcloth she wants to use. I guess the choosing thing is good. But with my DD (dearest daughter) she gets mad b/c she hurts herself or something accidental happens like if I run into her or accidently bump her or something. That is just crazy and it's her attitude that gets her into trouble. So I think I have another problem but I think you are doing great!

Mary - posted on 01/05/2011

You need to get some help with parenting classes. Yelling and hitting your daughter will not teach her respect or that you are the boss. You are teaching her what she is doing that if she throws a fit she gets her way. Hitting children for the most teaches them you can hit them. Yelling at her teaches her that yelling is a way to communicate. You do need to find a better way to communicate and parent your child. When you don't know what to do get help. Read books go to parenting classes. Change your behavior before you expect a 5 year old to know what to do.

Mel - posted on 01/05/2011

It is natural for children at this age to test boundaries and try to be autonomous. They are in training for adulthood, when they will have to be independent and make their own decisions. Set boundaries, but don't sweat the small stuff. Things like what to wear? Who cares as long as they are dressed appropriate for the weather. I let my daughter choose, but she has to be warm enough or intervene. she can't have her way all of the time, but should have it sometimes, or she will feel frustrated. good luck.

Amelia - posted on 01/05/2011

I have 2 daughters 17 months apart. and if i could give anyone some advise as i to have a violent temper is to walk away and ignore. As far as the clothes go she is suffer ansity As to what to wear it is custom for her to find it difficult as you and her always fight about it.so choose clothes the night before giving her only two or three choices. Then she feels she is in charge it a win win. Yelling and screaming let her do it ignore as easy as i'm making it i know it isn't

Shannon - posted on 01/05/2011

again as I have said befor love and logic get the books go to a class learn it use it. choses and natral consicuinses. a police oficer will not give your child chance after chance or let them be combative its that simple. but you will learn this in the books... good luck

Cassie - posted on 01/04/2011

Well, if I've learned anything from my three children it is that they appreciate boundaries (and appropriate consequences for breaking those rules), but that they may test those boundaries until they learn that you really mean them, most children want to please...that being said, I have also learned to pick my battles. I have realized in the middle of a fight that the effort isn't really worth the outcome, and make an effort not to let it bother me next time. It sounds as though your arguments may be getting out of control and your daughter has learned a way of having the upper hand (even if she "looses"). It can be very hard to change the way you deal with her, hard not to let arguments escalate to yelling and hitting... but I would definitely try some different approaches, if nothing else, telling her, "I don't want to yell at you, what I have asked you to do still stands, but I am angry and need a break," then shut yourself in your room or bathroom until you have a clearer head. It only takes a minute and it helps since you have the desire to be a good parent and example. As far as your future relationship, well, give her plenty of hugs, a little time doing something together, communicate your feelings for her, and be a strong role model for her and I'm sure she will appreciate it someday, maybe when she has a stubborn 5 year old

Melanie - posted on 01/04/2011

Sometimes people spank kids for whining or yelling and then feel bad and turn around and give them what they were demanding in the first place. This is counterproductive so make sure you never do this. For example if she's whining about wanting to go to the store with you and you spank her but then feel badly and take her, then she has ultimately received what she wanted so she will continue to pay the price of a spanking to get what she wants. Ask yourself what she is trying to get for herself and if her behavior is negative, try to give her the opposite but if her behavior is positive, then give her what she wants. I know this doesn't address everything, but I hope it helps a little with your 5 year old's temper tantrums. Blessings to you and good luck.

Tanina - posted on 01/04/2011

Hang in there. You are doing the best you can with your 5 year olds temper tantrums. It would be wonderful if they came with instruction manuals. You need to try to stay calm, I know easier said than done. I have to walk out of my son's room and calm down.

The school may have a behavouir person or guidance councillor that you can talk to and advise you on ways to handle hers and your emotions. I have found them really good.

You also have to work out what decisions are really important to you and what ones you can let slide. The decision that are important it is a must that you do not give in. Sometimes you have to just say is this arguement worth this.

You could also go through her clothes together and work out what ones are ok for school and which ones are not and then put the ones that are all together in one place. Once this decision is made stick to it. this will also give her a feeling of being in control without necessarily have it.

As I said earlier hang in there, I can not say if it gets easier, as i am still waiting and proberly will be for quite some time. good luck

Crystal - posted on 01/04/2011

my daughter did this also... a lot of it is for attention. What I did was let her cry and tell her when she is done crying i am here for a hug... then when she is calm you can try to explain why your decisions are more important.

Amber - posted on 01/04/2011

For one, pick your battles. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of life what she wears? Second, when she sees you get upset (yelling/hitting) she learns that you are really NOT in control because you are acting out of control. You need to remain calm (even give yourself a time out if you need one). One thing that I like to use in my house is called "blackout". As the parent, I (or in this case, you) am in charge of everything in the house: food, electrical outlets, outings to the store, getting the kid(s) to practice, etc. And, just as you have the power to give those things, you have the power to take them away. When my kids get mouthy with me or show disrespect, they are assigned sentences to write. "I will be respectful to my mom." (or simpler words for younger kids) Perhaps the disrespect earns 10 lines of sentences (for her age). Once assigned, there is no discussion. Until the sentences are done, there is no television, no video games, no soccer practice, no play dates, no outings, and food is limited to what is necessary (no desserts and, if eating out, they eat at home before we go - and don't cancel your plans to eat out - they just don't get to order). If the disrespect continues, more sentences are added (10 more lines at a time). There is NO BATTLE about sitting down and doing the sentences and no lecture about behavior or back and forth arguments about ANYTHING. They don't have to do the sentences at that time, but they have no privileges until they do. Period. If they are caught with something (i.e. their radio on), then it becomes mine, to be earned back later (by chores). This system works with teens too (except then they're writing essays or words out of the dictionary instead of sentences). Bottom line, this shows your daughter who the boss is WITHOUT you losing your temper. My daughter (age 9) has gotten up to 10 pages before because she doesn't know when to quit, but I got to stay calm and in control and eventually the sentences got done because she was tired of living without privileges. Best of luck to you with your 5 year old's temper tantrums! Parenting is HARD WORK!

Alison - posted on 01/04/2011

I feel your pain when it comes to stubborn kids. My youngest son is very head strong and it was quite a shock to me because my first born was so cooperative. I overcame the arguements by giving him choices when the situation allowed me to. I stick to my decision when giving him a choice would have negative consequences, those fights are worth having and I alway stick to what I feel is right. All the other stuff, like clothes or what kind of sandwich I let him pick. That way we are not arguing all the time and the arguements are shorter because he knows that if I am not giving in means I will not give in and it does not matter how much he cries or screams he will not get his way. I also always give an explanation as to WHY I am making that decision (safety or health) and that seems to help too. Just try to stay calm, I know it is hard, but if you blow up the arguement lasts longer. Hope this helps with your 5 year old's temper tantrums and good luck!

Leigh-ann - posted on 01/04/2011

What kid likes you
We as moms or parents in general are not suppossed to be liked we are not their friends we are their parents and we and so called friends have two very different rolls
I totally understand your reasoning i have a 5 year old girl myself and there are days when i wish i could just dig a hole and burry myself in it when she and i are butting heads
Its all about controll and letting her have some isnt going to turn her into a horrible kid she will learn to make desisiions for herself good or bad and learn from them
If it gets to that point were she is yelling or crying overly so neighbours hear her drama just let her know the longer she keeps it up the longer she stays in her room and once she has stopped that behaviour she is permitted to come out
No 5 year old is perfect i believe its the beginning of one of meny challengeing stages towards their own indipendence its going to be a bumpy road ahead for all us moms lol

Tracie - posted on 01/03/2011

I highly recommend the book "You Can't Make Me (but I can be persuaded)" by Cynthia Tobias. My daughter used to be very similar when she was 4 and this book completely changed the dynamic between us. Now she is 6 and a joy to be with and we are both very happy with our relationship. Best of luck to you and your precious girl.

Nancy - posted on 01/03/2011

My kids have all had terrible tantrums at some point. We started a "Good Jar" that seems to help. It's just an empty glass jar and when they do something good like listed to me or be nice to their siblings they get to put a little rock in the jar. If they do something bad like throw a tantrum, yell at me, fight with their siblings, etc, they have to take a rock out of the jar. When the jar gets full we get to do something really fun as a family like go to the zoo or a movie or bowling so it really motivates them to fill the jar up. Maybe try some sort of positive reinforcement and see if it helps. My kids like being able to actually see how good they are being and it gives them a sense of taking responsibility for their actions when they get to puts rocks in or take them out. Good luck!

Kim - posted on 12/28/2010

At the age of 5, she is getting more into the school age. She wants to make more decisions for herself. Now I'm not telling you to let her wear her underwear overtop of her jeans, but give her some options. Tell her the night before these are your options in the morning and let her think about what she'll want to wear. If she is putting up a fight still wanting to wear something else let her know that she chooses one of the outfits chosen for her tomorrow then she may wear her outfit the next day...if its an appropriate outfit.
My 10 year old tells me he hates me almost on a daily basis when he is screaming and stomping to his room. My reply is always, "well then I must be doing something right!"

Sylvia - posted on 12/28/2010

Yes, to some extent all kids do this. No, she won't necessarily end up a rebellious teenager if you don't win every battle now. (And you can't guarantee a lack of teenage rebellion by winning every battle now, either, by the way.) I am a stubborn mom with a stubborn kid, too, so I hear where you are coming from!

It sounds to me like maybe you need to start picking your battles. I'll pick on the clothes example just because that's what you mentioned -- how much does it really matter what she decides to wear? I'm assuming that all her clothes are acceptable to you in terms of being age-appropriate, sufficiently modest, etc., otherwise she wouldn't have them? So the worst thing that can happen if she chooses an outfit you wouldn't have chosen is she'll look a little silly. And really ... so what? (You can head off the situation where she decides to wear summer clothes in January by putting away the summer clothes in the fall and the winter clothes in the spring, if you have that much storage space. Or you can just make her wear her snowsuit on top, and be a bit chilly when she takes it off. That will likely make her think twice the next time, anyway.)

Honestly, she's 5. She's old enough to be making her own decisions about a lot of things, including what to wear. Little kids have very little control over so many aspects of their lives -- they have to go to school whether they want to or not, they don't get to decide what's for dinner or when bedtime is or how much TV they can watch or where to live or ... But everyone, including little kids, likes to feel like they have some control over something in their lives. So it can be really, really helpful to give kids choices about things that don't really matter much in the grand scheme of things (red shirt or blue shirt? peanut butter or cream cheese on your bagel? this book or that book at bedtime?) but can feel very important to a little kid. The trick is to offer choices only when there's really a choice, and to offer choices all of which are acceptable to you. So she doesn't get to choose to go to school with no pants on, but she can choose whatever pair of pants she wants.

Becky - posted on 12/28/2010

Your not alone I have 4 girls and my 6 yr old is just like that. I have made it was she starts she knows now to go to her room. It took a long time to get her to do it, but whatever you do keep at it dont stop. Someone told me once when your child says they hate you or dont love you it means your doing your job. If there is any parenting class you can do to it does not mean you a bad mother I go every chance I get. My church has them maybe some churchs by you have them. I go because you learn different ways and you are with parents just like you. Its sound like your a great mom and Im here if you need to talk. like I said I have 4 girls and the ages are 5,6,8,9, so I get everything at once and it seems to never go away.

Angie - posted on 12/27/2010

This is a tough age. It's important to let her start making some choices for herself. For instance, when you do laundry hang entire outfits on each hanger. This way, in the morning (or before bed) she can pick out her own outfit to wear. The same can be done with lunches. At this point she needs to feel that she is in control of something; give her the opportunity to do that and it should help with your 5 year old's temper tantrums. Good luck, you're doing fine!

Candy - posted on 12/27/2010

Sounds like you are doing ok to me. You might let her make a few little decision on her own. I always give my kids a chooce on what shirt to wear to school. Between this one and this one. Little decision like that may help the fighting some. Just know she will grow up to hate you at some point all kids do. When you raise them right they will come back to the way you raised them.My mom and I fought from the day i was born. I ran from her as soon as I could. I cam back at 25 and we have been doing great ever since. In fact I call her every day and she just left from our house for Christmas. I was told once by a lady that said "if your kids hate you growing up you are doing a good job"

Tania - posted on 07/19/2011

why can't she pick out her own clothes? Maybe you are being too controlling...I mean, kids need to make choices...blue shirt or red shirt etc...also don't let guilt guide you. If she understands her behaviour is wrong, provide a suitable consequence, and IGNORE her name calling/ranting. She doesn't hate you, but I bet she can figure out its working on you. Take a breather, give yourself a time-out instead of hitting her. I locked myself in the garage once to keep from hearing my daughter's last tantrum. Make the consequences fit her crime, make her say sorry and talk to her about her behaviour when you and her are both calm. Good luck with your 5 year old's temper tantrums...

Wendy - posted on 01/12/2011

Honey she knows where ALL your buttons are. Your sweet little girl has hit the stage where she wants to know where the bounderies are and you have to provide them. However, she seems well developed in knowing what she wants too. You don't want to squash an independent spirit either. You can do something that I've been trying with my son who's 4 yrs old and has mild ASD (Autism). Talk to her about her options and let her decide. Is it so earth shattering if she goes to school in hot pink and orange for one day? What you're doing isn't healthy for her or you. Your blood pressure will suffer. You are probably at a point where your parenting style will have to adjust (this does happen occassionally as they grow up). Her picking her own clothes may just free you up for something else. Remember parenting isn't one sided it's a relationship and it can be healthy or not. Your choice ultimately.

Lori - posted on 01/09/2011

I know that this is a very frustrating situation for you. You probably feel like you are the child and your child holds the reins. I want to say that what I feel you should change right away is the yelling. To a child, when you get to this point, they have won already. You have already lost the control. I found the best way to deal with a fit is to get down to their level and use your "no BS mommy voice". Let her know that you are in charge and no amount of yelling or screaming will change that. You need to remain the parent here. If you stand over your child screaming they see this as threatening. Imagine someone bigger than you towering over you and see how it makes you feel. Use words that have power over the situation, I like to keep them simple... NO! ...STOP!... ENOUGH!.... Use that mommy voice when you do, BUT do not go overboard. Also give her a chance to let her have a say in this conversation. It will show her that she also has an opinion here. That you value her opinion also. Dont be embarrassed by your child, She is the one behaving this way, and if anyone says anything to you, inform them that you are doing your best and walk away. Your daughter should be the one embarrassed by her actions. Let her be. To me I feel that a child will use everything in their arsenal to get what they want, your confidence is just another that she will use. If you "lose it" DO NOT go and hug her. That shows her that you feel remorse for the way she behaved. Talk after its all over, face to face. Remember to get down to her eye level.

I am assuming when you say you "hit" her you are meaning spank. I do believe in spankings if it is a last resort or there is an imminent danger to the child or another life. BUT always be sure YOU are in complete control of your emotions before you ever spank a child. If your emotions are flying all over the place, you cannot be sure that your spankings will be also.

When you child goes into the room and starts to yell and scream, she is trying to get you to come to her. Which from what I have read is what you do. Dont let her have the power in your relationship, but do allow her to have her opinions too. Dont forget that the "Mommy Voice" is more powerful and intimidating that any screams you will ever use. Hopefully this helps with your 5 year old's temper tantrums and will help you gather the strength to stand up and become the mother she will respect not push around.

Klara - posted on 01/07/2011

It is very difficult to control our emotions sometimes! My fear is that when I lose it, I am showing my kids that even adults can't control themselves. I think maybe a time out for both of you at the point you begin to get upset is important. Then discuss it later? Do you have house rules and consequences? Just a thought, so she knows exactly what is expected of her? I agree she needs to know you are in charge, but make sure you pick your battles and only assert your authority in the times when it is really important. Then when you do, make sure you follow through with what you say and your expectations are clear. Some safety issues are simply nonnegotiable! Its good to allow kids to make mistakes on their own when they are in a safe environment though. Maybe if you nee to make certain desicions, give her a choice of two things. That way she can still make a choice, but since you are giving the choices, but choices are acceptable by you. Like pick two acceptable outfits and let her choose one. Or pick two books and let her choose whichto read. That way maybe she'll feel more in control, but ultimately, you are still making the choice. Good luck with your 5 year old's temper tantrums, and sometimes you just need to take a deep breath and count to 10 before reacting. Parenting is not easy, I agree, but hang in there!

Cassie - posted on 01/04/2011

Well, if I've learned anything from my three children it is that they appreciate boundaries (and appropriate consequences for breaking those rules), but that they may test those boundaries until they learn that you really mean them, most children want to please...that being said, I have also learned to pick my battles. I have realized in the middle of a fight that the effort isn't really worth the outcome, and make an effort not to let it bother me next time. It sounds as though your arguments may be getting out of control and your daughter has learned a way of having the upper hand (even if she "looses"). It can be very hard to change the way you deal with her, hard not to let arguments escalate to yelling and hitting... but I would definitely try some different approaches, if nothing else, telling her, "I don't want to yell at you, what I have asked you to do still stands, but I am angry and need a break," then shut yourself in your room or bathroom until you have a clearer head. It only takes a minute and it helps since you have the desire to be a good parent and example. As far as your future relationship, well, give her plenty of hugs, a little time doing something together, communicate your feelings for her, and be a strong role model for her and I'm sure she will appreciate it someday, maybe when she has a stubborn 5 year old

Melanie - posted on 01/04/2011

Sometimes people spank kids for whining or yelling and then feel bad and turn around and give them what they were demanding in the first place. This is counterproductive so make sure you never do this. For example if she's whining about wanting to go to the store with you and you spank her but then feel badly and take her, then she has ultimately received what she wanted so she will continue to pay the price of a spanking to get what she wants. Ask yourself what she is trying to get for herself and if her behavior is negative, try to give her the opposite but if her behavior is positive, then give her what she wants. I know this doesn't address everything, but I hope it helps a little with your 5 year old's temper tantrums. Blessings to you and good luck.

Tanina - posted on 01/04/2011

Hang in there. You are doing the best you can with your 5 year olds temper tantrums. It would be wonderful if they came with instruction manuals. You need to try to stay calm, I know easier said than done. I have to walk out of my son's room and calm down.

The school may have a behavouir person or guidance councillor that you can talk to and advise you on ways to handle hers and your emotions. I have found them really good.

You also have to work out what decisions are really important to you and what ones you can let slide. The decision that are important it is a must that you do not give in. Sometimes you have to just say is this arguement worth this.

You could also go through her clothes together and work out what ones are ok for school and which ones are not and then put the ones that are all together in one place. Once this decision is made stick to it. this will also give her a feeling of being in control without necessarily have it.

As I said earlier hang in there, I can not say if it gets easier, as i am still waiting and proberly will be for quite some time. good luck

Amber - posted on 01/04/2011

For one, pick your battles. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of life what she wears? Second, when she sees you get upset (yelling/hitting) she learns that you are really NOT in control because you are acting out of control. You need to remain calm (even give yourself a time out if you need one). One thing that I like to use in my house is called "blackout". As the parent, I (or in this case, you) am in charge of everything in the house: food, electrical outlets, outings to the store, getting the kid(s) to practice, etc. And, just as you have the power to give those things, you have the power to take them away. When my kids get mouthy with me or show disrespect, they are assigned sentences to write. "I will be respectful to my mom." (or simpler words for younger kids) Perhaps the disrespect earns 10 lines of sentences (for her age). Once assigned, there is no discussion. Until the sentences are done, there is no television, no video games, no soccer practice, no play dates, no outings, and food is limited to what is necessary (no desserts and, if eating out, they eat at home before we go - and don't cancel your plans to eat out - they just don't get to order). If the disrespect continues, more sentences are added (10 more lines at a time). There is NO BATTLE about sitting down and doing the sentences and no lecture about behavior or back and forth arguments about ANYTHING. They don't have to do the sentences at that time, but they have no privileges until they do. Period. If they are caught with something (i.e. their radio on), then it becomes mine, to be earned back later (by chores). This system works with teens too (except then they're writing essays or words out of the dictionary instead of sentences). Bottom line, this shows your daughter who the boss is WITHOUT you losing your temper. My daughter (age 9) has gotten up to 10 pages before because she doesn't know when to quit, but I got to stay calm and in control and eventually the sentences got done because she was tired of living without privileges. Best of luck to you with your 5 year old's temper tantrums! Parenting is HARD WORK!

Alison - posted on 01/04/2011

I feel your pain when it comes to stubborn kids. My youngest son is very head strong and it was quite a shock to me because my first born was so cooperative. I overcame the arguements by giving him choices when the situation allowed me to. I stick to my decision when giving him a choice would have negative consequences, those fights are worth having and I alway stick to what I feel is right. All the other stuff, like clothes or what kind of sandwich I let him pick. That way we are not arguing all the time and the arguements are shorter because he knows that if I am not giving in means I will not give in and it does not matter how much he cries or screams he will not get his way. I also always give an explanation as to WHY I am making that decision (safety or health) and that seems to help too. Just try to stay calm, I know it is hard, but if you blow up the arguement lasts longer. Hope this helps with your 5 year old's temper tantrums and good luck!

Angie - posted on 12/27/2010

This is a tough age. It's important to let her start making some choices for herself. For instance, when you do laundry hang entire outfits on each hanger. This way, in the morning (or before bed) she can pick out her own outfit to wear. The same can be done with lunches. At this point she needs to feel that she is in control of something; give her the opportunity to do that and it should help with your 5 year old's temper tantrums. Good luck, you're doing fine!