Ellie - posted on 04/01/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )
My daughter is less than 2 months shy of turning 5, where her male cousin turned 5 about 2 weeks ago. We went to his party where he met us at the door, grabbed his present and ran away to open it. When he was done opening it he asked me if that was the only thing we'd brought for him.
His mom (my hubby's sister) just brushed it off saying his grandparents had brought him a ton of stuff etc. Over a year ago she had told me he was having so many problems at his daycare that they were saying he may have ODD and they needed to use some kind of program for him etc. (they never did.) He would get very angry with other kids, bite and hit and have explosive tantrums. One time we visited their house and he freaked because my daughter sat in "his chair."
My daughter loves her cousin and always wants to see him and play with him; he tells her (on many occasions) that she is "annoying." Yesterday he told me to my face that she annoys him. This isn't something new -- he told her the same thing on his birthday when she wanted to play with him. He met her at the grandparents house yesterday for Easter dinner with "I'm 5 so I'm bigger than you, I can tell you what to do." and would HARP on this even though my husband and I told him on separate occasions and repeatedly that it was not a nice thing to say and he should stop it. (His parents weren't paying a stick of attention.) He has two older brothers, one 8 and one 13. They were there and told me they find HIM annoying etc.
Taunting and namecalling and all of that may be "typical" for a bratty type 5 year old, but this child also HURTS my daughter and has done on many occasions. He will get so angry that he hits her, pushes, bites, pinches, and yesterday he kicked her in the face and gave her a bloody nose. That was the last straw for me, especially since his mother and father acted like it was no big deal. His mother kept trying to explain to the family present that, "they have a love/hate relationship." I think she is not seeing it clearly at all -- my daughter basically loves her cousin and he "hates" her. He is never kind to her or nice to her. He taunts her and makes fun of her and then she starts calling him names back. It's horrible behavior and he's a bad example to her.
They are in the same day care and heading to the same school for kindergarten. they are not in the same "class" at daycare but see each other in the yard to play. My daughter told me that he does not want to play with her and rejects her all the time. Interestingly, she still says she loves him and wants to play with him because he's her cousin (I have this fear she will grow up to be in abusive relationships because I'm trying to teach her that no one is allowed to assault her or treat her badly, but she is so loving to everyone.)
Another thing is tomorrow I'm going to ask the director of the daycare to make sure the two of them are not ever alone together or allowed to play together. this kid basically scares me now. he is more self absorbed than any other kid I know his age (and there ARE nice male children at her daycare who are very nice to her.) She had been injured last year and broke a bone and every kid in her class surrounded her and hugged her when she came back to "school." Her cousin saw her and ignored her. Not a word, not a sound, nothing at all. I watched him through the window and he definitely saw her and then went back to playing.
His mom also makes excuses such as "he likes to play alone" and stuff like that. yesterday I have to tell you, his mom told his father to have a talk with him after he kicked my daughter in the face, and when he emerged from the room he looked at us and gave us all this HUGE smile and then said, "Why is everyone looking at me?" He didn't seem sad, sorry, upset, or anything. He had to be told to apologize for hurting her which he did and promptly walked away to go play. It's like he has no sense of empathy or understanding at all.
Not to mention he was defiant to me, contradicted me, did not listen to anything I said to him and talked over me, asserting HIS point of view as the superseding one. When my husband entered the room after he'd kicked my daughter, her cousin actually told him, "she wasn't doing what I told her to."
All the blame is always deflected to someone else. he taunts and bullies and is just an extremely bratty, unpleasant child.
I am thinking all i can really do is keep them apart. the parents are clueless and don't want to admit their son has some problems relating to others, though they are aware to some extent because the daycare brought it to them even before our daughter went there. I am afraid to ever have her alone with him, and his 8 yr old brother has also almost hurt her a few times by putting her on a running treadmill ("to see how fast she could run") while she screamed for us to come help her because she couldn't keep up, and we found him fondling some BBQ sharps on the basement stairs once, not to mention he also tried to get her to climb up onto the railing of their deck which is a good 5+ feet off the ground.
I do not know what's going on in that family, but everything is "let them get hurt, then they will learn not to do it again" or "oh, they're just boys" and all of this constant deflecting.
This is family and I hate to deny my child access to family, but if someone is hurting her then I don't care if people think I'm "overprotective." This boy's dad on more than one occasion has reprimanded my husband and I for being "helicopter parents" and likes to think he is an authority because he has 3 kids and we only have 1 (never mind that my sister has 4 or that the kids' great grandmother had 17 kids. Sheesh.
I don't know exactly what I'm asking here, but maybe what would YOU do? Would you approach the parents? Would you place "blame" on the child and the parents or just the parents? Would you separate them and not let anyone know why? How would you explain this to your daughter, as it is for her safety that we have to separate them?
This little boy doesn't get punished as far as I can tell for anything he does. His mom is full of excuses and his father, though he does try to talk to him rationally about the issue at hand, doesn't get through. I might add that when the 8 yr old found it amusing to tell me I have a "big butt" on numerous occasions with his father present, his father never said one word about it being a rude and inappropriate thing to say to your elder and your Aunt. It was pretty appalling. The idea was, "he says it to his mom, too." Sorry but if he wants to be abusive to his mother, that's between you but *I* am not his mother and should not be subjected to this ridiculous garbage. Since he was never reprimanded about it, he continues to do it.