6 year lying and stealing and out of control help!

Sarah - posted on 05/16/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

4

0

0

I am 25 years old and recently have let my bf and his 6 year old daughter come live with me in my home. everything was fine the first month i guess it was somewhat of a "honeymooon stage" but about 3-4 weeks ago i started catching my boyfriends daughter stealing from me... money, make-up, lotion... whatever she wants she takes... and by addressing that i also discovered that she has a very serious lying problem. she will throw her dinner away and tell us she ate it. she had been flushing it down the toilet, it so when we caught her we made the bathroom off limits during dinner and so she started throwing it away in the outside trash can. so she really didnt appear to learn anything from it when we talked with her about it and gave her a consequence so now we have decided we will just have to sit with her for every meal and make sure she eats it all. this is just one minor example out of numerous deceitful tricks and lies she tries to pull on a daily basis. she will even admit that she is just trying to trick us. im afraid she believes she is smarter and more cunning than us and has no fear of our punishments. she tells me she is smarter than her dad and that she is an adult regularly. apparently at one point he told her she was smarter than him and it stuck. i let him know that i do not agree with talking to your children like that but he doesnt seem to be on the same page as me. this little girl has been through a lot in her short 6 years on this earth and i have tried to be understanding and work with her on a gentle understanding level. i know her mom is not around and is honestly no good and she really does need a stable and more consistent environment. i would love to provide this for her but because of the constant lies and stealing from me i cant trust her and i feel like im losing my mind because i am constantly having to be on the look out for my stuff. i dont feel like i should have to hide all my stuff from a six year old girl i feel like she should have learned respect and boundaries by now but she hasnt and i am at my wits end trying to teach this to her. she told me this morning that she is jealous of the time her father spends with me and because of it she does mean things to me. this is ridiculous. she spends more time with him than i do she even acknowledged that she knew that when i brought it up. and the time i do spend with him hes tired and we spend more than half of our time discussing her and her behavior problems! i will also mentions she has come home with numerous notes from school saying that she has either hit, pushed, pinched or twisted the arm of another child. we get these notes AT LEAST once a week and it makes no sense because her father and i rarely fight and when we do there is no violence! i have printed out the story of moses and the ten commandments and highlighted the ones about lying and stealing and she says she loves god and that she knows lying and stealing are bad and she will never do it again. but just a few minutes after she was caught in a lie again. i asked her about it and when she planned on really stopping and she told me in all seriousness that she would probably stop around 13 or 14. WOW what do you say to that??? i took away a couple privileges but i feel like thats just not enough. she doesnt even seem to care if she gets punished... please someone somewhere HELP!!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

User - posted on 05/19/2012

1

0

0

Sarah: First of all thank you for caring enough about this child to ask. Second i cant tell you as a mom of 4 girls that a daughter is the most wonderful and beautiful gift the universe will ever send your way. I can also tell you that I myself was a step child and that this little ones sounds exactly like I was when I first arrived in my new home. This is what I can tell you for sure, What she needs is not more consequences. It sounds like her life has been full of consequences. Instead she needs to know that this committment you made to her if permanent and that you are not another temporary move in her life and another consequence of her daddy and mommy not being together. She will lash out at you of course but as the parent you have to remember that you are just that the "grown up". Because of that role you have to show her that no matter what she does you are still going to love and care for her. I know it seems like contrary to what you may want to do but every time she does something to lash out your job is to affirm her that no matter what she does you are still doing to love her. If she takes your make up sit down with her and tell her "I think you are so beautiful that you don't need makeup but if you think it is fun to play with lets me and you go get some make up just for you. Mine might make your skin rash or hurt. But if you have your and I have mine we can promise to not touch one anothers okey" Then make a special trip to Claires just you two and buy her some makeup. This is a special time for you and for her and affirms that you care for her beyond just punishing her for touching your things. If she takes your money ask her "Honey why do you needs money do you want to buy something or do you just like to have it" Put your arm around her hold her hand make that personal contact and then say "Let's make a deal how about everytime you help me wash dishes, clean the house or help me do my make up or fix my hair or do a good job at school I will give you some money that is all your own" Buy her a special piggy bank and let her earn and save money. Remember sometimes to earn can be for doing nothing but being "you daughter" Surprise her with gifts, surprise her with hugs and kisses. A step child needs more Love than consequences. Leave the consequences to the dad. You have to be the one who is loving and patient no matter what. Remember that your's is the committment she is questioning. Everytime she tries to make you mad and it works you are affirming to her that your not committed. It then becomes a vicisous circle for you both. She tests you, you fail, she lashes out. Remember she is only 6 and really wants to be loved and find a home. I think you are the person to give her that home and love but you have to show her that you are committed to her. once she knows that than you can be part of delivering conseqences until then you have to be patient and love her through it. Believe me i know first hand as mother of daughters, As a step child and as a mother who has taken foster kids and lived with them my whole life. You will be great just lots of love and patience and remembering that your relationship with her is more important than lost or taken things and love comes before consequences. Good luck.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

7 Comments

View replies by

Danielle - posted on 05/19/2012

201

20

19

I just thought of something else. Why don't you spend some one on one time with her? Play a couple of board games with her? Take her shopping? Take her down to the park? I do that with my son every so often. We eat dinner every night as a family. It's usually the only meal of the day that we eat together.

Tracie - posted on 05/18/2012

317

9

1

If she's had that much happen to her already and is displaying no remorse for hurtful actions, it sounds like she is going to need some professional help. Please get her to a trained child psychologist as soon as possible. You ARE in a position to give her the stability and nurturing that she should have been getting all along. Please don't give up on her. It sounds like she really needs your positive influence in her life. Good luck.

Crystal - posted on 05/18/2012

369

20

50

Wow...I can just imagine how his child is going to be in her teens if you can't get her behavior in check. But...I don't think its your responsiblity. She's not your child. Your BF needs to get his head out of his a** (sorry) and set some serious boundaries and discipline her! What does he do or say when you discuss her behavior? Has he taught her the "do unto others" rule? I have with my kids and I have a 6 yr old son and 4 yr old daughter...and they get it. Whether it be taking things from each other, hitting, or what not. I think couseling will definitely help, but until then, something drastic has to happen. Taking her things away and having her earn them back when she learns to respect you and your home and your stuff??? No TV???

As far as dinner goes...absolutely sit and eat with her..why were you not doing this to begin with? Family dinner time is important and its a great time to talk. Best of luck.

Sarah - posted on 05/17/2012

4

0

0

we have a date already set late june is the soonest they could get in. i really was just looking for some tis to help out at home until then and until the counseling has time to help because obviously it wont change these things right away. so i will have her for nearly two weeks of summer vacation before she even gets seen for the first time. so if anyone can give me some advice on how to deal with this at home please i could really use it. im young and ive never had children before i would hope there would be some older more experienced mother out there that could help?

Becky - posted on 05/16/2012

165

0

17

What Danielle said. This child is trying to get attention, even if it's bad. She is crying for help, and she desperately needs it. Please please please, talk with your boyfriend about this and suggest that she see a counselor. It would probably be beneficial if you all did. Good luck.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms