Am I really going to tramatize my 7 yr old? Help!

Lynn - posted on 01/24/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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So, today is my sons 7th Birthday! Yeah! Problem is, I haven't told him its his birthday because we aren't going to celebrate for about 10 days when out of town family come to visit. He does know his birthday is soon, and he even choose to wait for the out of towners his self. In my mind it would all go smoothly, no one would mention to him that today is the big day, and he would be no worse off. I even asked Grandma not to call and give him wishes until the day of his party.

Ok, so here is where it gets ugly! I have a grown daughter who is 19. Yes, I know, 19 isn't really grown, but shes move out and on her own and all that. She got wind of what was going on and sent me the nastiest text. She said I was a horrible mother for not letting him know its his birthday and for making her and others wait to call or celebrate. She actually said she couldn't wait until he was old enough to see for himself how horrible I am.

So what do you think? Am I horrible for not telling him its his birthday and then saying but were not doing anything and you're not going to get any gifts until next week?

Lynn

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16 Comments

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Catherine - posted on 01/27/2010

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Your son has the right to know when his birthday is. It is not just about getting gifts and having a party. Make his day special put a note in his lunch box wishing him a happy birthday or just a hug and tell him about the day he was born. He is old enough to understand that his birthday is today but you are celebrating it when the family all comes.

Heather - posted on 01/27/2010

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Wow. Yes, please tell him it's his birthday. We don't always have a party on their birthday but we certainly celebrate it. We do a cake, even though it's just our immediate family and they get to open our gift to them. We make it a special day even though the party is the following weekend or soon thereafter. It's a special day! Why can't you give him his gifts on his birthday and then he'll get his gifts from the rest of his family at the family party 10 days later??

I'm sorry if this sounds mean but I feel strongly about it. Probably because tomorrow is my daughters birthday and even though she already had her family party and is having her friend party on Saturday, we are still going to make it a special day for her. It's tradition I take her out for breakfast and I send in brownies for her class and she gets to choose the dinner and of course there is a cake.

I'm biting my tongue here but I want to say the word 'selfish' really bad here. Just because it's not convenient for you to celebrate on his actual birthday doesn't mean his birthday doesn't exist. Every child deserves to feel special on their birthday. Give the poor kid a cake and his gifts from you. The first thing he should hear when he wakes up is his mom singing 'happy birthday' to him.

Lynn - posted on 01/26/2010

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Thanks everyone for you comments, they were very helpful.

Melody, at the time I wrote this I really was just thinking that he would be disappointed if he knew it was his day and we weren't doing anything or giving him any gifts. I thought if I never brought it up then I could wait and make a big deal of it on the day of the party instead. After reading some of the comments here, I decided it would be best to just explain it to him. In the end, he really didn't care much about any of it, he is looking forward to his party at the roller skating rink, and we had cake and ice cream just the two of us on his big day! Thanks again ladies!

[deleted account]

My kids have known their birthdays since birth...we just might celebrate with the party or whatever on a more convenient day....My question is why wouldn't you acknowledge your son;s bd? I've never heard of this before....

Angie - posted on 01/26/2010

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I'm amazed that your son doesn't know it's his birthday. You're not going to traumatize him but I also don't think it hurts to tell him it's his birthday and have a special meal with him and let him have his birthday party on the weekend.

Nicole - posted on 01/26/2010

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You are not a horrible mother and you will not traumatize him. He wont even remember that you celebrated his birthday on a different day. Your daughter had no right to talk to you like that.

Kasey - posted on 01/26/2010

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We always postpone birthday parties for our children until the weekend following the birthday. They are 4, 6, and 6 (not twins). They know that we never forget their birthdays because we are the first ones to wish them a happy birthday, but they also understand that we always have a party on the weekend, so we can party longer than we would be able to on a school day.

STEPHANIE - posted on 01/25/2010

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you could have a small lil get together with the ones around you,like a homemade cake or cupcakes. then when your other family gets in have the party you were planning

Kim - posted on 01/25/2010

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That is so funny about it taking awhile to sink in. He sounds like my 10 yr old. I'm glad he was happy to realize that he was 7. It sounds like you have a very mature little boy there, my son would have asked if he was getting anything that day, although he doesn't expect much, he would have been expecting something. I'm glad the day went well.

Maggie - posted on 01/25/2010

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Well I think its good children know the day and I think you should tell him. I have tons of firends who do what you do, have a party or a gathering a week later when everyone can come, but they usually do something really small like a cupcake and blow a candle out and remind them their party is in 10 days and does the calendar count down. Hes definitely old enough to know and understand what you mean. Its not really a small b-day if people call and those who aren't celebrating with you all in 10 days are able to call or send a card it wouldn't be a small or nothing on his bday.

Annamarie - posted on 01/25/2010

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I think you should do something small on his Birthdaty and explain to him that he is going to have a big suprise when your family come to visit, that way he will think he is having 2 birthdays and he is specail, what do you think?

Lynn - posted on 01/24/2010

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Jodie, Danielle, and Kimberly,

Thank you for taking time to write to me. At the time I posted this I was absolutely sure I was doing the right thing. I was so sure in-fact, that I was going to use the affirming posts that were to follow to show my daughter she was dead wrong!

After reading what each of you wrote I decided that maybe I was going about things wrong. So, I sent my daughter a message and said 'Although I am very unhappy with the way you spoke to me, I have decided to tell Nathan today is his birthday." I then invited her to call in the afternoon to speak to him.

So I went to class (full time student) then came home and gave Nathan a birthday card, after I read it with him, he looked at me funny and said "why are you giving this to me?" I smiled and said, well, you know that we are having your party when our family can come right? Yeah, he said. Well, today is your real birthday and I got a little cake and ice cream. Any your friend next door can come over for dinner if you want. To my surprise, he could care less that it was his birthday, but was happy to hear I got ice cream lol. He decided not to ask the neighbor over. About 30 minutes later he came in my room and said "hey mom, its not my party, but IM SEVEN! It took that long to sink in lol.

Thanks again ladies, Lynn

Kim - posted on 01/24/2010

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I agree with the part where Danielle said he may not think anyone cares. Someone at school may wish him a happy birthday, like the teacher. My 3 yr old understands when we have her party later in the week/month, I'm sure a 7 yr old would. Could you buy a cake or cupcakes just to have for the day? That is what we did with our 3 yr old.

Danielle - posted on 01/24/2010

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Definitely tell him. It's his birthday, he has the right to be happy about it. You can explain to him that his party and presents will be a few days later. I do that all the time with my kids. Have dinner and cake (home made) on their birthday and then their party the week after (usually because of money reasons.) There is nothing wrong with that. If he finds out on his own, he'll think nobody cares.

Jodie - posted on 01/24/2010

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i don't feel that you are horrible for making this descision as you obviously have your reasons, however at 7 he should be old enough to understand that you also have your reasons for making him wait until the others arrive before you celebrate!! He was responsible enough to make the choice to wait until they arrived so should understand that is your reason for deaying his celebrations!!1 My son had his birthday in the week last year but understood that he needed to wait till the weekend before we could get his present as it was a new bike and i wanted him to help choose it!1 He was ony 7 then and was totally fine with it!1 At the end of the day it wasn't fair for your daughter to be so mean to you, you were only doing what you thought was best but maybe you should have had a little more faith in your son that he would've understood the situation!! Hope this helps! And i hope he enjoys his birthday

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