Any help will be appreciated with my VERY irratating 4 yr old daughter

Angela - posted on 05/04/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I am not new at this, I four daughters ranging from 20 to 4 however I have never had to deal with any of the others like I have my youngest one. Some ppl think because she's the baby she will be spoiled but I can assure you that is not the issue. I love my daughter more than anything however at times (most of the time) I do not like her. She has been a handful since birth and it's only getting worse! She does not listen to almost everything I say, she is so hyper!, she screams and has fits when she doesn't get her way. It's like she has no control of her emotions. She is starting to now hit her 9 yr old sister, she will throw things when she is angry. She honestly does things out of spite. It is not only me that feels this way about her and is blown away by her behaivor..she is one of those kids you don't want to see coming. She is so beautiful, and when she wants to be good which isn't often she is very good but it never lasts for long. I have tried all things I know, spanking, time outs, taking toys away, yelling, getting on her level trying to talk to her and explain things to her. She is in a head start program where they experience alot of what I do. I am at my end now, it's gotten to the point I dread the afternoon because I know she will be home from her school.

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Theresa - posted on 05/04/2010

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I applaud your honesty. Those are hard things to admit especially since some could take it the wrong way. Sometimes I find my oldest son really annoying. I try really hard not to show it as I don't want him to grow up with a complex or something. I've figured out that some of what bothers me the most are the traits I see in him that I don't like in myself or my husband. So really it isn't about him but me. Could it be the same way with you?

I've also learned that in the end kids just basically want attention, even if its negative. Her screams and fits, even the spiteful behavior, in the end pays off for what she wants - your undivided attention.

I have to remind myself regularly that praise changes behavior more than punishment. So while I still punish my son for inappropriate behavior, he reacts the best when I praise him for having the right attitude and doing things like he should. Try that, I think it'll really help.

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User - posted on 09/25/2012

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I have a child exactly the same she is being assessed at the moment for adhd but they say they cant diagnose until she is 6 but shows all the signs of it. she is being spiteful at school and im worried that if she carries on she will have no friends when i pick her up from school shes rude and naughty its very wearing and i get so tired of telling her off she can be lovely at times but only usually when shes tired and we are cuddling in bed? im at the end of my tether with it too when i ask her what she did as school she just tells me who she has hit or hurt in some way not good!!! good luck with everything I fully understand how you feel

Allison - posted on 05/13/2010

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my 5 yr old is the same way,she has even resulted to hitting her 9 month old sister...big no!no!...i would talk to your childs doctor. there is a disorder similiar to ADD it is ODD you can go to webmd and it shows the symptoms.my ped. has been doing test on mine to see if she has it.there are treatments for it.

Michelle - posted on 05/12/2010

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You are describing my son, he is now 9 and we get along much better now, that being said I am going to use those nasty words ADHD and ODD. This is what my son was diagnosed with at age 4 and when he was finally diagnosed and they found a med that worked for him it was like night and day. My son went from being someone I really didn't want to be around to an amazing little man. He has been on his meds since he was 4 and I understand many don't believe in them but for my family it was absolutely the best choice. He is a straight A student and I get told on a regular basis by his teachers that they find it hard to believe he has either disorder. Talk to the teachers talk to your dr. as no matter how hard you try your child knows how you feel and that is not good for their self esteem.

Mindy - posted on 05/07/2010

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I was never one to think that I would want to take or need a parenting class. After not knowing how to deal with my 3-year-old daughter's temper tantrums and feeling like I was stressed out all of the time I took a love and logic class. This has given me a new way to look at things. The temper tantrums are now fewer, she is learning that there are consequences for her actions, and parenting is becoming fun again. I did not deal with things to the extreme that it seems like you must be but maybe a phone call to your local parenting resource center would help or give you fresh ideas. I wish you luck and peace within your home.

Jeanna - posted on 05/06/2010

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There are lots of us out there. I have 4 children 13, 5, 4 & 2. My 4 year old daughter is a handful, to say the least. I have talked to experienced parents and no one seems to know what to say. She is adorable to look at, very loving, loves to help, etc but disobeys me all day, every day. Nothing necessarily big, just constant. And I understand what you said, even though it is hard to say it, I love my daughter with all my heart but there are lots of times that I don't like her. True, it is not "her" I don't like but her behavior. But when it is happening, it is hard to differentiate the two. You just want it to go away. I am struggling with the same things so I can't necessarily offer advice but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I pray all the time that the Lord will open my heart and be more patient and love her more each and every day and for her to know that and improve her behavior. Good luck!

Angela - posted on 05/05/2010

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Emma thanks so much, it's nice to know I am not alone and you are not being judgmental. As for girls are worse that's what I have.. four girls and the other three weren't anything like this. My daughter does seem to act somewhat better at her pre-school but mostly her behaivor remains the same I just usually catch the worst of it. I to hope your daughter as well as mine will grow out of this. I took her in to her doctor today and she said she would put in for a referal to a councelor. She said it would take a while to get her in so I'm just hangin on and believing there is hope. I am not saying I want a clinical diagnosis for her, I don't.. but I do need help and will do whatever it takes to get it. Anyway, thanks so much for your support..best of luck to you!

Emma - posted on 05/05/2010

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I have a daughter who has just turned 6. She has been the same since she was a baby. She screamed for no apparent reason, as she got to 2 her behaviour was hard to manage and i told myself it was the terrible 2's. At 2 1/2 i put her into a morning pre-school just for a few hours rest, she would scream the minute she comes out he door. She has never changed or got better. I have learnt that it is mostly an attention thing so we always put her to her room when she starts. She went through the stage of emptying her whole room out and throwing it ll down the stairs, she will still trash everything in her tantrums. They say never reward bad behaviour which is true however i found taking her out on a 1-1 basis does help her. When you go for help your'e told the first step is parenting classes and i don't need that i have 2 others who are not like it. Alot of people say it is just girls, dunno if girls are worst? I sit her down and talk to her and she doesn't like the way she behaves its as though she can't control it. Thing is though she is a perfect girl at school. I just hope she will one day grow out of it!

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if my daughter is in a bad mood or having tantrums for no reason at all...i ask her if she needs a hug. after a good hugging, she usually feels better. i agree about seeing a doctor to get a different (professional) perspective of your child's behavior. you seem to be a loving and caring mom, use bonding time to appreciate and love the beautiful things about yourself as a mom and about your daughter.

Bridgette - posted on 05/04/2010

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Ps I understand y you want to explain but, I know , I dont drink try to keep the swears to a minimum and out of earshot(if thats possible). And people find it odd our son with autism is living with both of his natural parents. We hardly ever dissagree we usually laugh at each other.

Bridgette - posted on 05/04/2010

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My son gets like (5 years of that) that but its when he doesnt take his medicine for ADHD. He gets very agressive towards his younger sister even when it wares off he might throw a toy at her. It sounds like ADHD and my son cries because he just cant resist the urges with out his med.

Angela - posted on 05/04/2010

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Thank you Theresa for you input. I do agree with some of what you said, I do see alot of me or atleast the way I used to be in my daughter. However I cannot imagine I was ever as bad! I thought about the attention subject to and took one day and truly spent one on one time with her, playing, drawing, doing nails and hair and while she did behave for that time.. the moment I had to get back to my household chores she was right back at it.

To Jennifer, thanks for your repley however I think you to my statement a little to serious. I love my daughter more than life and yes she and my other 3 are all blessings to me! I understand that you have had experience with troubled children before and that has given you some insight but you can't use that experience to judge every situation. My home environment is a good one. There is no drinking, no partying, no cursing, no fighting.. etc. I don't feel that I have to explain myself to you but I do want you and others to understand that yes environments do influence children but sometimes the child themself can have problems for no apparent reason.

Amy, thank you also for your response. I will be trying some of the things you suggested. I to have wondered if she has ADHD since this has been a problem since birth. At only 3 weeks old unlike most babies who sleep most of the time, she was staying awake for 16 and 17 hrs for days.
Anyway, we do have a apt with our family doctor tomorrow for a check up and I will be discussing these issues with her.

Jenifer - posted on 05/04/2010

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wow! Imagine how she would feel knowing her mother didn't like her. The funny thing is that kids pick up on everything,and she has picked up on this. She knows you don't like her on some level.Children for the most part are products of there environment at this age they are a reflection of what goes on in there lives.I worked with children with very severe behavioral needs. One of the first things addressed was the environment at home. You need to remember it's NOT the child you don't like, it's the behaviors. She is only 4, it sounds like both you and her may need some type of professional intervention. Help her and yourself, talk to someone who can objectively evaluate the situation. The right person can help you. There is hope and both of you can be ok. your child doctor can help you find the right assistance. Remember its the behaviors you don't like not the child. Every child is a gift, now give her the gift of peace by getting help right away. I would not let another day pass. Be honest with the person who helps you about how you feel. They won't judge you but give both of you the help you need. seek help today!

Amy - posted on 05/04/2010

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You are a very brave woman. I have a 4 yo that is very active and screams constantly. I've learned to do the following,
First- I started a sticker chart to reward her with good behavior. If she gets dressed- 1 sticker. If she helps clean- 1 sticker, and so on. Some days she gets four or five stickers and others she doesn't get any. Remember to only reward good behavior. After she gets 30 stickers on her chart then she can go to the store and get a toy. It took a while but she finally started getting the picture.
Second- Everytime she throws a fit she gets placed in her room with the following statement "I will listen to you when you calm down and can talk to me". and that's all I say to her. First couple of times I was a wrestling match to keep her in her room but now she will stay. It may take a while for her to calm down but once she does she has my undivided attention. This one took almost three months to get through her head but now I listen more to what shes saying and she knows that once she calms down I will listen.

I have also decided after months of dealing with her hyperactivity to take her in and see if she has ADHD or ODD. I figure this way if she does have it then I can take the process to make it easier on both me and her and if she doesn't then I can try other things to keep the tantrums down. Plus with school only a year away I want to make sure that my child has every advantage.

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