Bad dad, daughter suffering

Casey - posted on 05/27/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My brother lives here with us and he has 3 beautiful little girls that come to visit every other weekend. I love these girls, and let me tell you, when alone in my care, they are well behaved, good with their manors, and need very little discipline.



Unfortunately, I work over the weekends, and quite often, while the other half is busy doing work around the house, our daughter is in the care of my brother, as well as his daughters during this time (this is only during visits from my nieces).



The girls, and my daughter, with their dad are abusive to him, and each other, destroy everything in the house, back talk, eat everything they can get their hands on, break things, spill things. It's just absolutely ridiculous behavior for girls aged 9 (one niece and my daughter), 7 and 5. My brother will deal with this to the extent of telling them to knock it off, and all of them ignore him, then, he just lets it go because he "doesn't want to hear them whine anymore". He doesn't tell him no to anything, ice cream before dinner, then lets them just skip dinner and wonders why they aren't hungry.



Anyway, we don't allow for this type of behavior from our daughter. She is continually grounded all weekend when they are here, because they all act like this, while the girls are all just acting a fool, and not reprimanded. I've tried to explain to my brother that he needs to honestly deal with this situation, and let his girls know that this is unacceptable, but he just doesn't want to hear them upset and crying. Believe me, it's unbearable when they don't get their way with him. This results with him telling me that my daughter is, basically, an evil b-word, and his children are angels, which, turns into a terrible verbal fight. What can I do to get through to him, or should I go to the courts and recommend that his children not to be allowed with him anymore?

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Suzanne - posted on 05/27/2009

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Hi Casey
I think Angie, may have the right idea. Your brother needs to be totally responsible during the time he has his children. It sounds as though he is disrespecting the gift he has from you, which is a roof over his head. I think that you should put it to him that he should from now on see his children elsewhere as he is being so disrespectful. BUT if he does this who will watch your daughter at weekends, if you say your partner, then to be honest he should already be doing so, and as he is the one at home when you are at work, why is he not getting involved in the childs bad behaviour. It sounds like the children have your brother sussed and are pushing the boundries because they know they can get away with it. your brother needs to realise this is not acceptable from children, they need rules and boundries. Does he not understand he is laying the ground rules for a very difficult time later on when they are teenagers. They will not respect him at all.
Have you spoken to your niece's mum at all? Are the girls taking their bad behaviour home at all? Perhaps they are behaving this way with her too, in which case it is something the parents need to deal with together.
You have every right to refuse to have the children at your house. If you think them not coming to your house at all is harsh, insist that your brother takes them out on his own at least one day out of the two that he has them, so your daughter has a day on her own with HER dad. That may sound less confrontational.
Be firm, work out with your partner what you will and won't put up with. Make some house rules for all the children to follow and what the consequences will be if they are broken. Would you allow a friends child to behave this way in your home? Would you put up with a friend calling your daughter a b****? Stick up for your family, you and your husband should pull together on this one
Good luck
Suzanne

Erica - posted on 05/27/2009

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It sounds like this guy doesnt even care about his children. When you have a child obviously you know that they need to be disciplined. These girls are acting out because they want attention from him, and when they are with you they are probably well behaved because you give them attention or let them know, you know they are there. He acts like they dont exist and kids can feel that, then they act on that. Your probably not gonna be able to get it through to him that he needs to be a better father because who would want to be told that? Would you want to be told you are a bad mother? No, because you will assume you are not. He assumes he is not being a bad father to these girls. But they need attention. Is the mother around? If so I would let her know that this is going on and have her talk to someone about it, and if you cant get anything done through her maybe then talk to someone yourself. Having the court come take them away from there dad isnt going to help the situation of them needing their father around though. Just think about every little detail that could happen to these girls or hurt them. Then make a decision from that. Hope this helps you out some!

Angie - posted on 05/27/2009

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I don't think you need to get the courts involved but I do think you need to tell your brother that he'll have to have his weekend visitation with his daughters somewhere other than your home. It's up to him to decide where that will be.

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Kayln - posted on 12/13/2011

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Have a family meeting when your neices are there and lay down the law( or rules)!! They may do better to know what you expect of them even when you are not there. It is your home and everyone including your brother need to respect that!

Angie - posted on 06/01/2009

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I agree with Lisa. If it is court ordered that they meet at your home, then yes, go to court and get that changed.

Lisa - posted on 05/31/2009

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Quoting Casey:

The main problem with telling him the visits should be elsewhere is that it's not really up to me. Otherwise, yes, I would definitely do that!!


 



Is it your house?  If so then it is up to you.  If these people are disrespecting your property you definately have the right to say stop it or you can't be here.  Even if that means your brother feels he has to go out and find his own house.  I agree that this behaviour has to be stopped now, they are only going to get worse as they get older.

Cherry - posted on 05/31/2009

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I think going to the court is a but harsh, I can understand, he prob does feel he shouldnt tell them off as he only see them so often. I think he should do more with them, instead of staying in the house.

Denise - posted on 05/30/2009

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Sound like guilt!! He feels guilty for not being with his kids, so he spoils them and lets them do whatever they want bc he wants them to still love and like him!! It's only going to get worse when they become teenagers. Need to nip it in the bud now!!

Casey - posted on 05/30/2009

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Thank you all for your suggestions! The main problem with telling him the visits should be elsewhere is that it's not really up to me. Otherwise, yes, I would definitely do that!!

I didn't think about the idea that maybe they are calling out for attention. I can see that very much so. He seems to be there for them, but really, he's just distant. That could be a very big part of it all.

Talking to the girls mom, would, unfortunately result in the children being taken out of his care, I'm sure, as the mother is quite...... opinionated. It would also result in horrible consequences in my home life. My brother just really isn't much of a rational person and I could see his ex playing it up much worse than it really is. She's not very rational either. I think that it's been made clear that it is like this when they are with her also.

Thank you again for all of your advise.

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