BEING A STEP PARENT???

Eliza - posted on 11/27/2009

Being a step-mother is very very difficult and my suggestion to you is to read on books on how to be a step-parent, and or treat him like he is your son. I have two step-children that are 7 and 11 years old and I have been in their life for 4.5 years now. I treat my step-children as if they are mine; they both call me Mama for out of respect since I've taken care of them while Daddy was at work and took them to school, and was there for them like a mother. I think you should think more positive and have a plan when he does come over because he is barely there and ofcourse he too also needs one on one time with Daddy to bond. I bet he feels sad that he doesn't get to see his dad every day like your three daughters do. Just look at it from his perspective as well - what would you do if you were a 10 year old boy who only sees his dad so often in a month or so... just think about that...

Also, you need to tell your husband how you feel about the situation. Be up front with him and let him know how you feel in a calm manner and with the words - this is how I feel instead of your son this and that or You do this and that.... You need to avoid the blame situation. My advice to you is: You guys can plan to do things all together as a family and then one day Daddy and son can do something together by themselves and you can take your girls out while the boys do their own thing as well on the same day. Also, one day you can take the son out for like 20-30 minutes and bond together while the girls stay with daddy. You and him can bond and talk or just take him out to get jamba juice or robeks or something. I think the more the step-son feels that you care about him and not just treat him like a step-son he will show more respect towards you and the family. You have to be open minded too! Good luck!!! Positivity is the key to happiness!

Karrie - posted on 06/28/2009

Jackie,

I know exactly where you are coming from. I have recently married the only guy I have ever dated with a child from another mother. His son just turned 5. It has been very difficult to deal with because we only get him every other weekend. When he first started coming to stay with us he was totally disrespectful and extremely rude to me. I have two children of my own from a previous marriage and one with my new husband. My children are both treated the same, rules and discipline wise. However, it seems like his son does not have the same standards and my children. When it is talked about between me and my husband it usually ends in an arguement. I finally put my foot down and started treating my step-son exactly the same as I treat my own children as far as rules and stuff. I told my husband that if he was not going to discipline his then we would not discipline mine either. So you can imagine how that went. LOL. It seems to be working so far.

I think it is pretty common for a dad who is not with their child fulltime to want to spoil them when they have them. Good Luck to you, and hang in there.

Sara - posted on 06/28/2009

You and your husband need to have a long talk! Nothing will change if you don't start there. The two of you need to discuss some boundaries and be on the same page that the children should be treated equally and not to feel as though one is more important that the other. I know it must be hard not to see him more often, but sometimes such treatment will do more harm than good. Just my two cents.

Ruth - posted on 06/28/2009

I agree, you need to BOTH agree on and set boundaries. I'm a step-mother myself ( my step-son lives with us) so I know how hard it can be! The main problem here is your husband favouring this one child at times. It's understandable that he feels he needs to 'make up' for the time he doesn't spend with him, but this shouldn't be to everyone else's disadvantage and you need to TELL HIM!!

It also can sour the relationship between yourself and your step-son. It's a hard thing to build up a relationship with somebody else's child anyway (believe me, I know) without bottling up bad feeling too. This situation will just end up in resentment if it's not sorted. Spoiling a child will cause more problems than it solves.

Good luck to you and don't feel bad about your feelings as they're perfectly normal!

Jackie - posted on 06/27/2009

Quoting BRENDA:

Oh you make me chuckle!! My husband has two children from a previous marriage and then we have a daughter together. His oldest daughter is his pride and joy. She can do no wrong. Everything she wants to do, we do. We can make no plans on the weekends we have them because everything is up to what they want to do. So, I guess we can rule out the summer only thing. It's just dad's way of trying to make sure they are remembered and liked by their child, I guess. I know it is difficult. If you get a good reply to your message, please be sure to send it my way. Lord knows I could use any help I can find, too!! Good luck!!!   Thank you Brenda, I will let you know IF I EVER< EVER< EVer GET IT FIGURED OUT.. THANK YOU

Brenda - posted on 06/27/2009

Oh you make me chuckle!! My husband has two children from a previous marriage and then we have a daughter together. His oldest daughter is his pride and joy. She can do no wrong. Everything she wants to do, we do. We can make no plans on the weekends we have them because everything is up to what they want to do. So, I guess we can rule out the summer only thing. It's just dad's way of trying to make sure they are remembered and liked by their child, I guess. I know it is difficult. If you get a good reply to your message, please be sure to send it my way. Lord knows I could use any help I can find, too!! Good luck!!!

Kendra - posted on 06/27/2009

First off you need to talk to your husband. Second you need guys need to set some boundries. The whole family should be involved in the activies and not only do what the son wants to do. I think a little special attention to him is normal because he is not there very often, but the rest of the family should not suffer.