Being accused of beating

Lisa - posted on 05/09/2011

I went through this too. I sat her down with me on youtube and showed her actual abuse cases, children removed from their mommies, real abuse situations. It's a bit graphic, I know, but when she saw these images I asked her if that was what she wanted. She said, "No", of course. We discussed the lying and what would happen if a neighbor had the police take her away from mommy and how those kinds of stories can get a lot of people into trouble... and it never happened again.
It is a drastic measure, but it's a drastic situation. Child Family Services can remove your child based only on heresay and suspicion. I hope you get a handle on this acting out.
Sometimes it's a dramatic change in the home diverting your attention from her.

Cathy - posted on 05/09/2011

I just wonder where would a four year old child get this from. Is it something that she has seen, did she watch someone that has been beaten. She is farely young to start manipulation like this. My daughter just turned 5 and I know everything she does comes from what she sees her immediate family doing so we are very careful what she is exposed to. I think she needs to be evaluated and serious need of counseling.

Annie - posted on 05/06/2011

Like it says, 'A thorn to remove a thorn', Instantly you switch the plates, pretend like your leg hurts with a lengthy 'OUCH' definitely she would come to check what's going on...this is your chance...tell her she did that...and she will say a big 'NO'...after couple of dialogues, she will forget what she was crying for.... since she just want to calm you down or convince you that she didn't hurt your leg, would eventually keep her calm. Now is your turn to take the situation under control. Explain her how important is your daughter to stick with mama...don't lie against mama, etc., you could use your fingers to show the importance of each fingers...symbolize it. Explain her you both are one team! Children love parables, try some of them when she is in good mood. Hope that helps..Good luck!

Kelly - posted on 05/06/2011

OMG, kids can be rotten cant they! Maybe try talking to your health nurse about it, that way you at least have it on record if someone does call human services. It is very similar to what my daughter (now 5) did about a year and a half ago, she would wait till we were in public and if she didnt get what she wanted she would fall to the ground screaming Dont hurt me!! you can imagine the looks and comments I got. After a while I realised she did this because it was the one thing that almost garunteed her I wouldnt take it further!! Once they find your weakness, the thing that makes you cringe and or give them what they want, they will keep using it. Little kids are very smart, I wouldnt be surprised if she has overheard someone talking about stuff like this and realised what a powerful tool it is or seen that you get embarrased when she does it & decided that this was the perfect way to manipultae mum. None of this would be a consciuos thought, but don not underestimate how sneaky & manipulative young kids can be!!

Schmoopy - posted on 05/05/2011

My LOs wouldn't even know what "beating" means. Your 4 y.o. is learning that term from somewhere. Don't get me wrong - I'm not accusing you. If you know you're not the problem, then I would start looking at other people who she spends time with.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 05/04/2011

Yep, she definiatly is not respecting you. Just by what you stated here the part where she threw the tantrum and you told her to go to bed when she started whineing over bleeding you picked her up and carried her to her bed. You gave in. You should have stood your ground, and let her throw a big fit and punished her in the hallway if you had to.

You need to look up how to be more of an authoratative parent. How to control your child. Because if she respected you she would not be acting out like this. Right now, she doesn't fear you. This is very bad, expecially with what she is saying. You need to get control over her. Every single time she disobeys you, you have to follow through with a punishment that fits the crime.

Crap, if I had said this to my mom I would have gotten hit. I mean come on, you just don't let your kids act that way.

Nikki - posted on 05/04/2011

wow, it is heard to be a single parent and just as hard to be a child of a single parent. My ex and his parents are doing wierd things also. My girls are a little older and they tell me that thier poppa tells them I send him e-mails that say the girls don't love him and they don't want to be near him. He uses this as a pour pitifull me thing and tries to get our girls to feel sorry for him and mad at. I wish there was an answere for all of this but you just have to go one step at a time and try to make life fun. GOOD LUCK!

Megan - posted on 05/03/2011

Wow sorry you went through this. Maybe seek some counseling for your child any abnormal behaviors should be seen so they can "fix," the problem

Erin - posted on 05/03/2011

Wow, I really feel for you! At first I thought I could totally relate to this. I've definitely had a few moments in public where A. I either had to take my child out of the situation kicking and screaming or B. Not only were they kicking and screaming, but also complaining that I was hurting them. If they sit still and let me carry them out, I won't have to struggle to hang on to them and maybe accidentally pinch them in the process! LOL.
But anyways, I think some wonderful advice has been given here and I am really in awe of Lori's story. How horrible!
Although I don't have much for solid advice to give, I just wanted to say that I sympathize with you. You are obviously a good mom and I think most people would see that in you. Keep your head up, you'll figure it out!

Jen - posted on 05/01/2011

It sounds so similar to Lori Landsburg's experience. My first born did this a few times; acted like he was dying, and yelling about how i'm the most horrible mother in the world...over some silly accident.



Boy did he get dramatic over that. He'll even over-react to anything his sister does to him; or pretends to do. He's walked all through a big box store; past all the check-outs...all the way to the van, holding his neck with both hands and dramatically going "Ow ow ow" the whole time. because his sister did a jack-in-the box jump at him and came close to his neck area. she didnt' even touch him.



Yet...he's *never* done it as frequently as it sounds like your daughter is doing it; or Lori Landsburg's son did it.



I wouldn't be surprised if there's something behind this, someone encouraging her or she's learned it from someone.



I hope it isn't that. But I hope you can check into it. If its not your ex; could it be someone else who has contact with her? Someone at her daycare/nursery?



Being a single mom; you may be under more suspicion for being an unfit parent. Unfortunatly I've seen it happen a lot with single-moms I know. They get more trouble and accusations from family and friends over parenting. More trouble with Social Workers as soon as they become single-parents. Its disgusting...but unfortunatly it happens.



I'd suggest checking into it...and follow the advice from all the above posters. Protect yourself by having more of your support system knowing about this problem. Get it on record with the doctors etc that this has been a problem; and your working on getting it fixed; or finding out what started it etc.



Edit: I'm sorry, I just assumed you were a single mom because you said your ex/the father...as in your ex and you aren't together. I'm sorry if you aren't a single mom..but if you are. That's cause for suspicion for some people right there. Unfortunatly.

Danielle - posted on 04/29/2011

i dont mean to laugh at this, but i did have a silent chuckle a minute ago...my daughter doesnt tell us we beat her, but everytime she does something wrong, she starts screaming DONT HIT ME DONT HIT ME or 'are you going to hit me?' and sometimes, yes, this will be in public. sometimes, complete strangers hear her, and boy oh boy do we get some dirty looks..my husband and i do not make a habit out of spanking her. only on occasion...its just some weird habit she has right now when she knows shes done something wrong...after awhile, i decided to ignore the stares from people who dont get it, and the strange comments from her grandmother (who will believe ANYTHING her precious granddaughter says) and just stick to what we do. i cant control what she says and yells, at home or in public, and if any parent really wants to worry, they can spend a few minutes actually talking to us and find out that we dont beat our child. instead, our child knows that these statements upset us, and even though she is 5, i think she likes to get a rise out of us as much as possible. she is pretty smart...ignore your kid's statements and do what you have to do. when she is much older, this will be funny, not sad.

Rachell - posted on 04/29/2011

Definitely see you health nurse or doctor. This could be a response to something more serious. And what if someone does hurt her - and your unable to believe her. Sad situation. Wish you all the best. If she is at a good school with good counselling that may help too. Try all avenues. I wish you all the best. In the mean time, I would say a reward chart is probably all you have, cause you cannot give in to her whims & tantrums.

Deepti - posted on 04/26/2011

thank you all for ur encouraging words... i hope u would appreciate this post which discusses the common problem of anger in kids.
http://perspectiveofdeepti.blogspot.com/...

Samantha - posted on 04/26/2011

I would recommend completely ignoring this behavior. She obviously does this because she sees how it affects you. Just walk away when this game begins or move her into time out if you do that until she calms down, then explain that this behavior will no longer be tolerated and do not show remorse for something you haven't done. It's a really horrible faze!

Paula - posted on 04/26/2011

maybe she doesn't know what punching means..... perhaps you accidentally pinched her while trying to get her ready and she used the wrong word. I hope social services doesn't harass you over it all but stay firm with your daughter and don't let her win her way.

Lori - posted on 04/25/2011

Are you on good terms with your ex? (her father?) My 7 yr old son used to do the SAME thing. I could never figure out why he would say such things, or where he'd even COME UP with such things. He'd scream that I hit him, or punched him or pinched him, thing is, he would also go to strangers and tell them that I'd do these things. I was mortified, luckly for me people understood that I didn't (he never had bruises or anything other than normal kids wear and tear from falling down or such) I'd put him in time out for lying, I'd talk to him about it, I tried everything to no avail. Then he started Kindergarten and I told his Kindergarten teacher about it, she said it was no problem, she could tell I was a loving mother and she's trained to spot abuse and she KNOWS I didn't abuse him. He would tell her that I never had any food in the house, that I beat him ect. Finally one day, his Kindergarten teacher got a email from my ex, his dad. Explaining in such details about how I abuse him, don't feed him enough, and all sorts of things that I do (my ex's parents have been trying to take custody of my son for 7 years now and it's been a huge 7 year battle, once I was awarded custody, they've done some HORRIBLE things) She told me that the things he said in his email sounded much like the things my son was saying I did. So I took my son to a behavior therapist, and come to find out that his grandparents (his dad's parents) and his Dad were TELLING him to say this! AND awarding him for doing so! He also told the therapist that they told him that I would leave him, that I was not a good mom, that I didn't love him, many other damaging things that a young child should NEVER have to hear, especially when they are NOT true. Once I found this out, I sat him down and explained things to him. First I explained that lying is never good, that for lying he will be punished, he will have to go to time out, or be grounded from something he really enjoys, and I told him for telling the truth, he will be awarded, such as a day to do something he really wants to do (bowling, park, swimming, whatever) or a treat, or something like that. I also asked him if he wanted to live with me, he said yes, I explained to him that telling these lies will get some people called to the house, and that if for any reason they believe him, they WILL and CAN take him away from me, and that if that happened that it'd break my heart because he's my baby and I don't ever want him to be away from me. He now is wonderful, he still has tantrums of course, what child doesn't, but he no longer lies, and his tantrums are so few and far in between. He's much happier now and well adjusted.
I'd suggest to talk to her when she's calm, ask her where she's coming up with the "you punched me" or beating. From school, friends.. Or from Dad? Maybe look into some behavior therapy. I'll tell you, it has done WONDERS for both me and my son and has drastically improved our relationship, as well as work thru the problems AND find the source of the problem! He's been in behavior therapy since he was 3 and he actually loves it!

Dionne - posted on 04/25/2011

So what came to mind with her knee still hurting is this, my oldest this winter chipped a piece of bone off his knee cap and had to have surgery. With her age I don't think her bones are hard enough to chip but they can crack. Depending on how hard she fell on her knee she may have bruised it really bad. With my oldest daughter, when she was a toddler, she fractured her wrist falling out of her crib. They at this age do not technically break anything but they do crack bones. If insurance for health is not an issue, call your doctor and have them look at the knee to make sure she did not damage it more than what you thought she did. When at the doctor office tell them about the temper tantrums and your concern about them do to what she is saying. This way all your bases are covered in case someone does overreact and report you. Plus the doctor I see prints off articles dealing with the kids' issues they are having at the time. The other thought and this might be stepping on toes by bringing it up but since you have an ex and the child spends time with the ex could the ex be teasing her or bringing up that you are abusing her, putting the thoughts in her head so to speak?? Also the other thing that came to mind but I dont think it fits this situation was when my daughter was 8 she started talking about suicide when I brought it up to the doctor his nurse actually had worked with a thyroid doctor prior to this doctor and notice that she had a thyroid goiter issue. The butterfly part of the neck was showing. She was tested and has thyroid issues. Only bringing this up for something to keep in mind when the body malfunctions you get alll kinds of wierd unhealthy reactions. I would however suggest that you do not let her continue to manipulate you. With taking the day off to spend quality time with her it will enforce the bad behavior to get you to continue doing it. Her tantrums will escalate to even more unmanageable and can you afford to take the day off?? I reread and saw it was a sunday you took off to spend with her. I don't think this is an issue of your spending time with her I think she is manipulating you. Trying something out and if it works she will continue doing it. The nursery place you take her could you bring it up to them and see what they have for advice. You could search temper tantrums, how to stop them as well. As far as actually hearing her, that could be part of it, it is one thing to listen and another to actually hear what she says. I still think it is a manipulation technique but with her accusing you of abusing her, it will bring attention eventually and you should look for outside people to ask, like the doctor or the nursery so you have a physical track of trying to figure this out. I only say this do to the experience I have had. It might be overreacting that I am suggesting the outside help but it has always proved beneficial when the county gets involved. All kids will have temper tantrums at some point it is figuring out how to get them to stop. There are a variety of things to do it is finding which one suits you best. Keep up the great job of being a mom. One of the most hardest jobs in the world.

Dionne - posted on 04/25/2011

I need to get my daughter off to school but I have another couple thoughts, maybe one but could be considered two I guess.

Simona - posted on 04/25/2011

No, i dont leave her home alone, its me just bluffing, actually she is my little stalker, where is her, there is me :)) i was thinking abt the idea of her getting attentnion, so yesterday i called everything off and spent our day in "pyjamas" just enjoyiing each other and cartoons on youtube and food to bed and on the sofa doin nothing :) becuase on friday, when we went out in the afternoon, she said ouch my leg hurt (again) and i asked why and she said u u hit me. i asked how i hit her and she pulled her skirt bit up and started drastically scratch her left tiht. honestly, i never scratch her and i would never even think abt doing such thing lol. so therefore our pyjamas day ysterday. so i thought it would be ok, but today in the morning she said ouch u hit my head. well i told her if she goes on lying like this, i will take her to one scary lady (i know i shouldnt say this, but to be honest i got so constern i didnt know what to do in that moment). i seached on net for some family advice centre, because if it goes like this... the other thin which troubles me, actually troubles me more than neighbours or anything, is what must go through her little head that makes her say such things, thats why i will try to spend more time with her. i do spend my all time with her (except when she is at nursery or the time she is with my ex once in a while) but i have to think whether im really with her, if i listen to her or just "hear" her. but all time i have im with her constantly, but probably im overseeing somethin which makes her do such things...

Dionne - posted on 04/24/2011

This is a good age for this type of behavior but it also sounds like defiance as well. If someone, like your neighbor, would hear her and they decide to turn you in to social services they will contact you to investigate. They will see the truth but when they check into these alligations it is not fun. Been there done that a few times. If you have access to a library, check out some books on defiance. I agree that this needs to be nipped in the bud now but with you having a daughter they seem to be more challenging towards mom authority than the boys at least that is my experience with my 2boys and 2girls. I agree she needs to be informed that lieing about this is not a good thing but the flip side is if she knows this bothers you depending on her personality she could keep doing it only to intentionally hurt you, my oldest is like that. Oppositional defiance might be something to read about as well. These books can give some ideas what to do and how to try improving the situation. She is only four but it could get out of hand. The other thing you could try is contacting the school,, preschool teachers and ask if they have ideas on this situation, that way if she is saying it at school they will have your side of what is happening. I dont know if social services would have anything for reading or if they would know who to contact for help with teaching your child not to bluff like that but it might be a start. Stepping away from her behavior was a good way to handle her. The only thing I would stay away from is with her being 4 she is not old enough to legally stay alone so do not tell her you will leave w/o her she will call your bluff or make a comment in her temper tantrum that you left her alone and that will send people to investigate. If you can afford a reward program set up a system for her to earn something by not having these temper tantrums. I have to do that with my younger two kids. They do not like doing anything so they are offered items to earn, anything from a burrito, pop, sometimes a movie, toy, video game depends on the expense of the item they want. More cost of item more they have to earn it. Like 10 stickers or something like that.. Good luck kids know how to push buttons and it does wear us down after awhile. Hang in there and if you can take a break for a day maybe that would help.

Donna - posted on 04/23/2011

if it were any of my daughters id be like i did not but if you like me to i will then youll learn quick. its an attention thing. just keep doing what you're doing.

Deepti - posted on 04/23/2011

whenever she is in calm status, just make up some story and tell her that liers are punished by GOD and have no friends... also if she cries and shouts the neighbour may not let their kids come near to her... all this while use cool tone and no mention of what she did.
whenever she throughs tantrums try to see the lighter side of things and laugh, she will be surprised to see the change in your reaction and also leave her alone and dont push when she tries to go under the table...humour may help in place of anger
http://perspectiveofdeepti.blogspot.com/

Louise - posted on 04/23/2011

You have to stand up for yourself and now. When she shouts this then I am afraid you need to shout back stop telling such lies it's not nice now sit on the naughty step and think what you are saying, because telling lies is not nice and you have to stop. Does she go to day care because children learn these expressions from other children and whoever shouts loudest gets the sympathy. You really need to come down hard on her because you are right it is only a matter of time before a neighbour reports you for abuse. I can't say I would blame them either if they do not know you because your child is accusing you of abuse, would you here this and do nothing. Shout back and get tough on her that is the only way she is going to stop this, and the neighbours will understand what is going on here too.