Shaahida - posted on 08/30/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )
I want to start this post by sharing a dream I had two nights ago. A nightmare as such. My husband had to wake me as I was screaming and crying. I dreamed that I was standing next to my sister and cleaning my 7 year old son's grave. On top of his grave was a box, in the box were two books (I can't recall the names of the books but from what I recall it was self help) and in there was a car, a truck. I recall turning to my sister and saying to her "REMEMBER HOW EXCITED HE WAS ABOUT EVERYTHING" and then I just started crying and screaming and it took a while for me to calm down after my husband woke me up.
I was a divorced Mom and got married again in May this year. It hasn't been easy but my Son and I managed and in fact he was such a grounded little boy. He was excited and passionate about anything and everything.
I pick fear in him these days and he is so down and not in the mood and tired allot. I watch at all times, even though anyone thinks I am not watching I take note of his behavior, mood, etc. Because I see the change.
My husband, my Mom and my Son, we live in a two bedroom place so my Son also had to give up his "sanctuary", I know how important this is. He seems afraid these days to speak his mind, etc. I've always told him that he could speak to me about anything but I see him retreating more and more and I think that I am failing him.
Instead of 1 person caring and reprimanding, etc He is now cared for and reprimanded, etc by three people and I don't always agree with how it is done and when I make my concerns heard about it creates the perception that I am protecting him too much, and baby-ing him too much. He is a gentle gentle soul my dearest boy and it seems that this is not always appreciated and also it is said that he needs to toughen up. I am caught between trying to soften blows sometimes (words but I know the damage this can do) and not trying to seem that I can't take advice in terms of raising him.
Mom is also getting old and isn't as patient anymore and needs more quietness sometimes then a little 7 year old can comprehend.
But I prayed and prayed for God to bring someone worthy in our lives’ again, to love and protect. We need to fine tune our steps and our moves and basically synchronize. I've had a discussion with my husband a few times, our parenting styles, etc. Hubby is tough and sometimes harsh. How do we get the best out of these qualities that will positively affect and impact our Son.
Where do I start? What do I do? How do we build up instead of break down? Everything is in his best interest but how do we go about it in the right way?
My husband is fond of him, loves him yes and Granny too and me of course, but right now he is not getting what he needs from his family at home. How do we fix this?
At the same time and it must be because of this, he is retaliating, back chatting, etc. I am strict on reprimanding, and I don't allow him to get away with something if he should be reprimanded, etc. In addition there is the phase of back chatting, white lies, shrugging of shoulders, etc. that one needs to deal with.
But at the end of the day, he is my loving Boy and the dream symbolizes everything that I fear, that his flame, his passion, excitement, everything that is him is dying.
He recently went to visit dad over the school holidays and I know he needed that, it was good for him and he smothered with love, etc at his aunts place where Dad lives currently. It's 500km's away though. It's always fun to have the house you can go and visit where you're spoilt rotten, I'm glad he has this.
How do I restore the balance that used to be our home? He is not in physical danger but I think he is at danger of something else and I think even this change at home, from 2 to 4 needs fine tuning. I think we are struggling to adjust to the increase in family in family size, being heard and hearing each other's opinion.
There's love, support, respect. I've come to now my husband and changes won't be made willingly or even without feeling like I am attacking and nor am I blaming him completely for what I've mentioned, in fact I have added to this as well.
Don't know where to start, is there a start, how to start.