Daughter's real father wants to talk to her

Jennifer - posted on 09/04/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

12

12

0

My daughter's real father has just gotten out of jail and now wants to talk with her. He hasnt seen nor talked to her since before her 2nd birthday. She will be 7 in Nov. I told his mom not yet but my feelings are to never let him contact her considering he is the one her roke off contact in the first place. He had several chances to see her before he went to jail when my daughter would spend the weekend at his mom's house but he never did. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? When the divorce was finalized in the parenting plan I have 100% responsibility and 100%parenting time, so it is my choice whether or not i let him contact her. I have not talked about him to my daughter and she has not asked about him in the past year. I dont want to ruin the relationship she is forming with my husband. He treats her like his own daughter.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Devin - posted on 09/04/2009

118

26

6

Hi Jennifer. I don't have any personal experience in this, but I do know about children. Any decision can be reached by asking one question...is this good for my child? It may take you awhile to go through all the pros and cons, but I think once you make a decison you should stick with it.

Having a child form an attachment with any adult and then having it taken away is hard enough. But, then to have it back again and not be sure if it will last...I think that is worse. Your daughter will never learn how to trust people. Her dad will be her role model as to what kind of husband to choose, etc. If he is in and out all the time...she will have a lot of issues regarding men.

All that said...this is something only you can decide since you know your ex and your current husband and most importantly your daughter. Good Luck

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

14 Comments

View replies by

Melissa - posted on 09/20/2009

3

24

0

well, having been through this myself, first with my own father, and then with my daughter and her biological father, you must know there is no "right" answer.
My opinion is to be 100% honest with your daughter about her dad. From a young age, let her know who her biological dad is and if you don't want to tell her some of it because she is too young, don't make up any stories, just wait until she is old enough to understand and then tell her the truth. (like why he was in jail or why you aren't with him anymore)
I think it is OK to let her "talk" to her natural father, but make him prove himself A LOT before you allow him to see her. And take it slow. Tell him you are not going to lie for him or "sugar coat" the truth and let her make her own decision.
In my experience as a kiddo, my mom let my dad take me for the week when she knew he was drunk and driving me around town with him, she let me talk to him on the phone when he was drunk and crying and would get me upset and make me cry.
I don't think that is a good idea.
But if he is trying to be a better Dad. Give him a chance. If he is really a loser and not a good parent, your daughter will figure that out.
But mostly, you don't want this to come back and haunt you later on in life. Don't give your daughter any reason to blame you if the relationship with her natural father isn't good.
My daughter is 13 now, and decided last june to erase her biological father's number from her contact list on her cell phone. She spent the night with him once last spring for the first time since she was about 2 yrs old. He bought her an ipod touch and hasn't called her since. She has a step-dad who lives with us and is there for her every day, so she knows what to expect from a Dad. She said she is done giving him chances,and wants nothing else to do with him.
Of course I wanted to jump up and down screaming "yipee!!" But I maintained my composure and complimented my daughter for making such a mature decision. I told her if she ever changes her mind, it's OK. She is the one in the driver's seat and it is working really well so far.
My husband (the step-dad) was a little hurt in the beginning,but as soon as he realized she was not going to pick one over the other he got over it pretty quickly. Just tell him you need him to be the example of what a good daddy is,so she can make an informed decision by herself some day.
But like i said, start slow and only let them talk on the phone or write letters and/or e-mails. Make sure he knows you will be supervising the calls and reading the letters to insure her safety and if he doesn't agree to ALL of your terms, the answer is NO!!
Hope this will give you some useful advice. Good Luck!

Fiona - posted on 09/20/2009

34

16

1

my daughters father has never got to see her and i thins it was best for her as he can never be a good father he just dosent have a clue if she has done without seeing him till nw she will be fine with you for the rest of the years il be thinkin of you and hope all goes well for you .x

Debora - posted on 09/17/2009

206

27

15

sounds to me you have proven him as unfit since you got 100% control of her .how long have you been with your new husband?has he adopted her as his?if so then he{new hubby} has as much right to her as you.then you both need to make this decision together.i see you may still need help so ask a pastor you both know and trust to pray with you about this since many of them are trained as counselors .i have a nefew whose dad has never been their for him he was raised by my brother who had to tell him when he got divorced this boy was 14 then my brother had to get him counseling to help him since he was getting in trouble at school and now he is fine .the real dad has never tried to reach him to this day he will be 22 in dec.he never asked to see or call him even after being told about his birthdad.he still has a great relationship with the one he knows as dad calls him when he wants or sees him when his dad is in the area which is hard since he drives semi truck all over the usa.

Janeen - posted on 09/17/2009

10

20

2

I think you should wait for her to ask to see him, during that time he can prove himself as a good person who will lead a proper, law abiding life. If she doesnt ask then its not anything that is bothering her. She has a good dad, it will not mees her up. I was raised by my step dad, my real dad is a loser, my mom did keep me away from him and I am so grateful to her for that.

Angie - posted on 09/08/2009

2,621

0

406

Wow, what a tough situation. I agree with Devin, is this good for your child? I would also consider that the day will come that she will wonder more about her father. If you keep her from him now she may chose, when she's older and out of the house, to see him on her own. If he has truly changed, it will bring resentment toward you. Your husband is her daddy, you ex is her father. She will always love her daddy, no matter if her father is in her life or not.

Kylie - posted on 09/07/2009

143

36

15

I would say make him prove he wants her back in his life..Tell him that if he is for real that he would be trying to set up a stable enviroment like you have had too. If your scared that he will just leave and that this would no doubt effect her emotionaly and mentally then you'll find out because he wont do it..then when she s old enough she can look for him.You say she still has contact with his mum so you are still giving her some sort of thread to him which is great its not like your trying to cut him out..And itss the truth if he wanted to see her he would be ready for it a stable job for more then at least 4 mths a place to live those sorts of things..and while he is doing this it gives your daughter time to continue with the bonds of your new husband..the ultimate decision is not just yours but hers but it is your ultimate reason in life to protect your child from people who would hurt her..if he wants it make him prove it

User - posted on 09/07/2009

1

8

0

I won't tell you to allow him to meet her nor not to meet her.But, what I will say is that children need consistency. So, the choice is yours and of course that of the man that has helped raise her. But remember, If you both decide this visit is to take place be sure it's not the last one or that they aren't just to his convenience. I pray everything works out in the best interest of the child. Amen

Tinamarie - posted on 09/07/2009

1

7

0

my advice. as ive been through the same sort of thing, so far u ave ur own reasons, why ud rather, her dad not aveing contact, but if u stop her. she wont find out if he realy cares. u no wot fathers use 2 make there selfs look innocent. ITS NOT MY FAULT UR MUM STOPPED ME C ING YA, i no its hard but believe me. its best 4 u an her, men like that realy do p me of, thats why i let my kids ave contact wit there dad. thay no wot he realy is,

Sammantha - posted on 09/05/2009

25

37

0

PS - as far as your husband and your daughters relationship, if she adores him now, nothing will change that by her having an extended family so long as your husband is true to his love and committment to her always.

Sammantha - posted on 09/05/2009

25

37

0

This is a very sensitive situation and I do have personal experience with this. It is best to be honest with your child now and to ask what THEY want. This is VERY important because you do not want her to grow up with any insecurities or questions in her heart or mind that will backfire on you when she's old enough that you cannot prevent her biological father from contacting her and she may blame you for not allowing them to have a relationship. She is young but it is still her future you are determining so I'd be safe and open and just ask her how she'd feel about it. I would also warn your ex that it will be (if she decides to see him) a slow transition and maybe suggest supervised visitations for the first few months to get the acquainted with one another. I hope this helps and good luck.

Shannon - posted on 09/05/2009

12

79

2

Jennifer, I do have personal experience in this suject matter. We (my hasband & I) spoke to a psychologist about how to hadle this same situation and we were told that when my daughters asks a question about her bio father, to answer it honestly. My husband has been father to my daughter since she was 2 and does not know anything about her bio dad, and my feeling is the same to protect my child from any harm (physical, mental or emotional) that anyone may cause her. If your husband and daughter are forming a solid relationship, I too would hold off on re-introdcing your ex to your daughter, at least until your daughter asks about him. And, let your ex prove that he deserves to be in your daughters life by staying OUT of jail for awhile. He lost the "right" to be in her life, now if you allow, he needs to earn it back. Good luck and please let me know how it goes.

Sheena - posted on 09/04/2009

32

27

2

Well my first sons dad has been so in and out of his life, until I got with my current husband almost 4 yrs ago. He has never been in jail, but is a loser either way! LOL With all that being said, considering his past I dont know if I would let him see my child. Do what you think is best for her! And good luck hun!

Laurie - posted on 09/04/2009

1

0

0

This is a tough one. I don't think your wrong for feeling this way but please don't base your decision on how you feel about him and how he's acted before. On one hand protecting her from being hurt should he dissapear again seems reasonable but she probably will be hurt by the fact that he wasn't in her life at some point too. Keeping her from him could backfire down the road if she finds out you prevented her from getting to know him. There is also the possibility he would sue for visitation, which would be a pain. Given just the info here I would let her talk to him (probably after talking to a cousler to be sure it's the right thing and to get guidence on how to mange things), and hope for the best but be ready to deal with her pain if he should fail to step up and do what he should have all along. If you do decide to let him around...no matter what he does or doesn't do do not say bad things about him, all the experts seems to agree that doing that is not helpful to the child and often backfires. In regards to your husband...probably a good question for the counsler. Whatever you decide to do I know it will be out of love for your daughter and I hope all turns out well for you and your daughter :)

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms