do u feel closer to your 2nd?

Christine - posted on 01/31/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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ive 2 beautiful girls 6 and 3, i love my girls so very much yet i feel that i cant feel as close to my eldest than i do my youngest?? she is a beautiful intelligent loving child but extremely hyper and aggressive she bullies her little sister alot but when she is in her dads house she is the perfect child? im not with either of the girls fathers yet they both see them, i fell apart when me and her dad broke up and she was 4 months, its all a blur an i no i was nt the best mam, i did all the things that needed done but i was nt emotionally there?? how do i change this? i want my child to feel loved more than anything and i want to b as close with her that i am wit her sister....

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I feel the same way. I have a 6 year old daughter who is mean to her brother and screams yells and whines and I just don't have the patience for it. Her brother is 10 months and needs a lot more of my time. I barely get by without a nervous breakdown when their dad is traveling. She just had a fit and then came to josh around iwth me... I guess we can still laugh... just wishing for more of those funny moment and less of the bickering ones.

Andrea - posted on 02/03/2010

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I have had this same thought before too! I have 2 boys, 7 and 3. I have discovered that it's actually not a "closeness" issue. It's more that the youngest is probably still in a cuddly, snuggly, squishy stage, whereas the oldest has become more independant and doen't need as much "contact" affection. You are probably still very close to your oldest, but may not feel that way because of the lack of physical contact that you had with her when she was a bit younger. I found that I can still be close to my oldest by showing interest in what he is interested in and talking to him and even sometimes just by having an "us" day (we go to a movie or simply run some errands, but whatever it is, it's just the 2 of us). I still get those hugs and kisses in when I can! You can love your children fully but in different ways and have different feelings toward them. Remember that they are 2 totally unique and different people. Keep your definition of closeness very broad and all encompasing when it comes to your kids. All the best to you!

Christine - posted on 02/03/2010

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thanks every1 for your tips and similar feelings, ive planned a day out with sarah-beth this wk end and she is excited dont no if its the skating or time with me on my own lol but i shall be back on saturday to let you all know..the last few days ive taken every opportunity to hug kiss and tell her that i lve her and tonight without having i got a huge love an kiss before bed!!! that might not sound like alot but it melted my heart as its rare!! maybe you mothers are right a simple gesture like a hag can make all the difference to a child...it will take time but i intend to enjoy every precious momet and all the loves along the way!! thank you all x

Shipra - posted on 02/02/2010

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the best you can do is give attention to both. With elder one do things with her she likes most for 1/2 or 1 hr everyday and also try to talk about her life at school etc so that you and her become good friends.
later on when you think there is a level of friendship between you and your elder one then all 3 of you can do any favourite activity together so that you 3 build a beautiful bond between each other.

Gillian - posted on 02/02/2010

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I have to admit that I feel closer to my second than my first. We decided to have 2 close together. My oldest and my second are 20 mnths apart. When I had my second, Jacob, I was breastfeeding. So Dad took care of Alex more. Got his food, changed his diapers, put him to bed more often, etc. And I did more with Jacob, as he was the baby. I have since had 2 more boys. I have come to realize that you will always feel closest to the "baby" because the youngest needs you more. My boys are now 16, 14, 10, and 6. The older ones can tie their shoes (obviously) but Nick can't. The older ones are out with friends, the little ones still like to play board games. I think its just a dependency. The older ones... just need us less. :(

I have learned that I don't LOVE one more than the other. However, there are different things that I LIKE more about one kid than another. That sounds funny, let me try to explain.... I LOVE watching Alex play baseball, he is really good. It makes it fun! I love the way Jacob sings, and his football games, and parent/teacher conferences are always wonderful with jacob. Zachary is my little caregiver. I love watching the history channel with him, because he knows WAY more than I do. And Zacharys eyes are sooo pretty! And Nicholas is sooo cuddly. I love to cuddle with him and read him stories. But Nicks t-ball games are BORING. They all wrestle... but Jake gets soo frustrated when he loses, it stresses me out to see him upset. Zachary smiles the whole time! Nicholas, he's terrible at it. I love them all... but for all different reasons. Does that make any since?? I hope.

Don't feel bad. We all feel that way, at different times.

Annemaree - posted on 02/02/2010

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i feel a bond with my 2nd child dont know if its because i had her naturally or not as i had the others ceasor or the fact that she is the middle child n i feel i leave her out alot more than the other two ..... i luv all my children equally but find my self wanting to spend more one on one time with my second...

Amber - posted on 02/01/2010

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I also feel more of a bond with the youngest. It seems our personalities match better. My oldest is so high strung and now hormonal! But every since she started having seizures I feel guilty for the distance between us. So I've made more time one on one to just talk, she'll be 11 in a few weeks. It seems she's so much more than I gave her credit for and just a conversation and a hug means so much to her. But now the youngest,5, is starting to feel left out. All the doctors appts, and time with the oldest is trying her patience. I feel really bad especially since we are closer. So I make sure to spend time with both one on one. It really brings us closer and the antagonism is less when they both feel they have gotten some attention from me.

Ann-Marie - posted on 02/01/2010

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Hi Christine,
I have 2 girls as well aged 10 and 8, and at times i feel like i am closer to the younger one too, i dont know because the 2nd pregnancy was easier then the 1st but my eldest at times can be so mean to her sister and i feel like i am always yelling at her where the younger one is very mellow and easy going not high maintence, like others have said i love them both so much neither more then the other but dont feel guilty what i try to do with my eldest she loves chess so once a week i have mom an her time, so perhaps try to find that one thing she is intereseted in and allocate a time for you and her to enjoy together ... good luck
Ann-Marie

Holly - posted on 02/01/2010

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Christine I have dealt with the opposite problem. I have always felt closer to my oldest one. I think this is because with my oldest I was alone. I didn't work either, so we got to bulid a very strong bond, but when I had my youngest I was working and with a very happy marriage not to mention trying to keep up with the oldest one. The only way that I have found to try to strength this bond is take in those prescious moments. She could be sitting and playing with her toys and I will just out of the blue go up to her and give her a hug or tell I love her. I just remember to treasure more monents with her. This might work with your oldest. If you see her within a few feet of you just a simple gesture will actually mean a lot to her.

Julie - posted on 01/31/2010

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i get to where i feel that way with my children at times. theyre (soon to be) 5 and 2. i just try to remember to pay attention to both and let them both know theyre loved and try to do things with my oldest (like maybe she and i will just got out one day, or shell sit on my lap and ill read to her, or watch a show or a movie with her, etc.) bec while shes at skool, im with the youngest all day and she gets loads of attention. i also yell and fuss at the oldest more...but i remind myself...shes the oldest. she knows better, she knows what shes syupposed to do and not do. the younger one is still almost a baby and she gets away with more bec shes still learning. the older ones get fussed at more bec theyre older and more is expected from them bec of that. keep that in mind. it doesnt mean you love the other any less, its just bec you know youve done your job by them and that they know whats right and whats wrong. i hope that helps and good luck strengthening your bonds!!!

Christine - posted on 01/31/2010

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thankyou for your response emily, i do try to make time for her yet at times i do admit its hard financially, she may only be six but her father has money to burn and a simple lunch in her eyes jst does not cut it? i suppose thats a major problem also but there is no talking there? i find that when i have her on her own she does be more settled and will talk to me and do things with me but as soon as her sister comes home its a battle from that moment? i cant understand this as i no she loves her sister but she really terrorises her? and she will not come near me, it breaks my heart to c her like this as i really do love her and i just want her to be happy??

Christine - posted on 01/31/2010

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its really weird ive thought for so long its because i didnt do enough for her as a baby? dnt get me wrong was always there but as i said i was on robot mode but im finding wit some mams i no they are alot calmer with their second? i do scream and argue wit my eldest yet my youngest gets away wit alot more? im finding it can sometimes make me feel bad an then ive the problem off when i feel bad i let her away with too much i cant seem to find the happy medium??

Emily - posted on 01/31/2010

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hi christine, my name is emily and i am a mother of five.i cant say that i have been in exactly your situation although i do know what it is like to feel guilty for a bond with one child where one is lacking with the other. my eldest daughter has been raised by my father since she was a baby and i have never been in her life other thatn through phone calls and emails etc. until recently of course we live in different states but we communicate daily at this point. my second daughter is the oldest here in my house hold and has been through hell literally. she has had to witness me break down on several occasions both through the abandonment of her father as well as discovering her sister was autistic. so i know about the emotional uninvolement issues you may have. as i love her very much she is a HANDFUL and has bi polar and o.d.d.so sometimes it can be a very stressful household.i can relate because the relationship i have with the babies is the best thing in the world..they are 3 and 1 and my 10 year old daughter who has autism is very close to me as well. i should tell you that this ends well. although we have our hard times i have finally started to begin the bonding process with her as well!! it start off slow and can be a long road but i basically made time for just her. we would take one day a month (mostly cause i live on a fixed income) and just she and i would do something together. a movie, shopping or a meal or just anything. at first it was like pulling teeth and sometimes i had to make her go but after that first initial shock if you will wore off it was something we look forward too and we are still doing it now she is 12 now and we have been dealing with these types of issues for a couple of years now and just the extra attention and the feeling of togetherness where she can be her and you can be you really helped us we were able to talk and form a new relationship. you cant turn back time but you can always go forward. just try little things to show your interest and you two will get that bond back. i hope i have givin you alittle help and some hope for you and your daughter, and i wish you all the luck in the world.

Emilie - posted on 01/31/2010

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I feel kind of the same way. I have a 7 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. I love them both very much but sometimes I feel like all I ever do I fuss and yell at my son. He is mean and aggressive towards his sister and sometimes other children. I love them both equally but in different ways, I would never give up either one of them, I would do anything for each of them.

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