Having issues with a "strong willed child" ?

Kim - posted on 11/21/2009

My son is the pretty much the same way. The way I deal with his temper, whining, or attitude is I carry him to his bed and tell he can get up when he calms, acts his age, or changes his attitude, depending on the situation. He'll throw his tantrum then calm down and we can then talk. In doing this I'm not rewarding the behavior but am giving him a safe environment while he lets out his anger or frustration. It has helped with him sometimes I only have to threaten to put him to bed and he stops. Also in the case of the situation you described I would take away any toy she mistreats for a while but wait til she calms down to talk to her about it if the situation permits waiting. Let her know she can earn the toy back but that it will be removed again if she mistreats it again.

Susy - posted on 11/21/2009

My son is like this. He's 6 and it's better so hang in there. I've found that feeding him protein for breakfast really helps--- Also, try describing her actions to her ---these is what we say: "you are overreacting, please stop or you will have a time out" Although the times outs for this behavior seem not to work---they eventually do---seriously---it takes forever for our kids to realize that we can be just as stubborn, but keep giving her time outs for overreacting and reminding her not to overreact and eventually she'll chill! One more thing---make her breathe slowly and for the count of 10 during time outs...Hang in there---it's tough.

Sonya - posted on 11/19/2009

Thank you!!!! I have a 7 year old daughter. She started acting like all of you are saying around 3 I think and it slowly got worse. Now instead of swinging her arms and stomping her feet and screaming, she gets this attitude like "who do you think you're talking to?" You all have given me some great ideas on how to handle the situations better. Sometimes I feel like I am yelling at her or getting onto her all the time, and it's like she doesn't care. We had tried taking anything away that she cared about but it's like the wrong that she does is worth way more to her than the punishment. I am going to try some yall's ideas and different approach. Thank you again and I am so glad I found Circle of Moms!!!

Jennifer - posted on 11/19/2009

Thanks so much for the kind words. I have tried putting her in her room and explain that it isn't punishment but for her to calm down. She screams and tears her room apart, slams the door... yells.... she is only 3. I try to keep my cool until I can't anymore.
I will keep on trying and thanks for the prayers !
Jennifer

Christina - posted on 11/19/2009

Quoting Cara:

I did not read all the posts on here, so this may be a repeat. Here is my advice: #1 choose your battles. Focus only on the biggest issue you want to change and once that is worked out go on to the next one. #2 stay calm - sometimes they are working for the reaction. #3 be firm and you MUST be consistent. Strong-willed children test the limits regularly and need to see consistency with both what they can and can not do and with the consequences that will occur. Each time you falter you will make it worse b/c they see that if they keep it up long enough they can change it and/or get what they want. #4 when they have a fit walk away and say "when you are ready to talk/act like a big boy/girl I will be ready to help you" Do not allow them to come sit by you until they are done, just keep moving away. Do not give the fit addtional attention. #5 Natural consequences work wonders. #6 if they have a fit a store leave. it is a good lesson for the children who are behaving to see that you will do it. if it is at a park or something I make the child have a 'time-in'. they have to sit with me (after their fit) and watch the other children play. #7 know that many strong willed children will be great teenagers. They will not feel the need to follow others and 'please' their friends.
I was a strong-willed child and survived. Not one, but TWO of my four chidren have this! I got what I sewed! My youngest came to us later in life with not only the strong willed issue, but ADHD and an attachment disorder. There are many days that I need a time out!

This is all great advice!  I already made an earlier post, but I wanted to say that I completely agree about the teen years.  I feel pretty confident that if I lead my child to live by God's word she is strong-willed enough to develop independently of what other kids tell her to be/do.  I've already witnessed this in her early school years.  I can be a bit strong-willed (also an introvert like my dd) and it doesn't show up in the same ways as maybe for extroverted people, but I can say that I wasn't a leader, but I was not a follower either as a teen.  Now, as for my other daughter, my concerns are huge (she's very peer-dependent).  Ah, parenthood.... :0)

Christina - posted on 11/19/2009

It sounds like you are describing my daughter. She was the happiest baby I ever knew, but a nightmare toddler and preschooler. I just read Ronnetta's reply and I agree with the things she says. It took a few years and my daughter is also nine now. She is still a perfectionist and can still fly off the handle. It used to be that I would lose my temper with her when she was younger. But I found that the more I dug in my heels the more she would fight me. I had to put her in her room (no easy task!) with a door-lock (one of those safety things) to keep her in long enough for her to cool off (otherwise the battle would go on endlessly). She would hit, kick, bite, whatever she could when she was angry. Ironically, she is an introvert and this always shocked her teachers. Anyway, I think it is different with each child, but it sounds like separating your child until she can regain control may be your solution like it was for me. Perhaps she will learn to do so herself at some stage. Over the last couple of years when I tell my daughter to go to her room when she is in a rage (usually over her 7 y.o. sister), she will just go now and she's usually a new kid when she comes out. Stay strong, Mom, and I'll say a prayer for you!

Mandy - posted on 11/18/2009

my daughter is very similar to that, she is now 6 and when she says i cant do it, i tell her cant never did anything and make her cry in front of a mirror so she can see what she looks like, this sometimes helps but others not so much. we have recently learned that taking her picture while she is doing it makes her stop. she has long since stopped throwing herself on the ground though. i got her to stop that by making her through a fit until she was to tired to do it anymore, (i just coached her to scream more and throw her arms more and dont forget to kick your feet too) she soon learned that i wouldnt take her serious if she acted like that so she stopped

Jennifer - posted on 11/18/2009

Quoting Cara:

I did not read all the posts on here, so this may be a repeat. Here is my advice: #1 choose your battles. Focus only on the biggest issue you want to change and once that is worked out go on to the next one. #2 stay calm - sometimes they are working for the reaction. #3 be firm and you MUST be consistent. Strong-willed children test the limits regularly and need to see consistency with both what they can and can not do and with the consequences that will occur. Each time you falter you will make it worse b/c they see that if they keep it up long enough they can change it and/or get what they want. #4 when they have a fit walk away and say "when you are ready to talk/act like a big boy/girl I will be ready to help you" Do not allow them to come sit by you until they are done, just keep moving away. Do not give the fit addtional attention. #5 Natural consequences work wonders. #6 if they have a fit a store leave. it is a good lesson for the children who are behaving to see that you will do it. if it is at a park or something I make the child have a 'time-in'. they have to sit with me (after their fit) and watch the other children play. #7 know that many strong willed children will be great teenagers. They will not feel the need to follow others and 'please' their friends.
I was a strong-willed child and survived. Not one, but TWO of my four chidren have this! I got what I sewed! My youngest came to us later in life with not only the strong willed issue, but ADHD and an attachment disorder. There are many days that I need a time out!

Thanks for the advice... some of it I do... but you're right, I may not be consistent enough. I"ve watched enough Nanny 911 to know that this is a must. 

What does your mom say about how you were?  How did she handle it? there probably wasn't a title attached to it back then. (not that you are old :) )

What do you mean by "natural consequences"? 

So with 2 of 4 having it, you must be a pro ! Also you having it yourself helps you deal with it.

Thanks

Jennifer

Cara - posted on 11/18/2009

I did not read all the posts on here, so this may be a repeat. Here is my advice: #1 choose your battles. Focus only on the biggest issue you want to change and once that is worked out go on to the next one. #2 stay calm - sometimes they are working for the reaction. #3 be firm and you MUST be consistent. Strong-willed children test the limits regularly and need to see consistency with both what they can and can not do and with the consequences that will occur. Each time you falter you will make it worse b/c they see that if they keep it up long enough they can change it and/or get what they want. #4 when they have a fit walk away and say "when you are ready to talk/act like a big boy/girl I will be ready to help you" Do not allow them to come sit by you until they are done, just keep moving away. Do not give the fit addtional attention. #5 Natural consequences work wonders. #6 if they have a fit a store leave. it is a good lesson for the children who are behaving to see that you will do it. if it is at a park or something I make the child have a 'time-in'. they have to sit with me (after their fit) and watch the other children play. #7 know that many strong willed children will be great teenagers. They will not feel the need to follow others and 'please' their friends.
I was a strong-willed child and survived. Not one, but TWO of my four chidren have this! I got what I sewed! My youngest came to us later in life with not only the strong willed issue, but ADHD and an attachment disorder. There are many days that I need a time out!

Jennifer - posted on 11/18/2009

Quoting Jennifer:

I know this sounds pretty extreme but I had a friend of mine do this when she was @ home......her daughter would freak out & she would pick her up (fully clothed) & put her in a cold shower!!! Only 3x of that was all it took. As far as her behavior in public you have to be willing to either leave (even if you have a basket full of groceries) or tell her she will not be allowed in public if she can't act right. Make sure she makes eye contact w/ you when you're talking to her & have her repeat it back to you. Good luck!!

WOW !  That is extreme.  I don't know if I could do that, especially if it is something that she can't willingly control.  Who knows, if I get desperate enuf.....  Like sometimes I don't think she can help it.  I could see using that for regular fit throwers.  My SIL used to put her son in the dark garage for a minute when he misbehaved.  It worked for a while, come to find out he is ADHD.

I would totally leave if i was in public.  I don't think it is fair if it is just me and the 2 girls. To make the other one leave something fun to punish the other one. That is a big dilemma...  What to do in that situation?

Jennifer - posted on 11/18/2009

I know this sounds pretty extreme but I had a friend of mine do this when she was @ home......her daughter would freak out & she would pick her up (fully clothed) & put her in a cold shower!!! Only 3x of that was all it took. As far as her behavior in public you have to be willing to either leave (even if you have a basket full of groceries) or tell her she will not be allowed in public if she can't act right. Make sure she makes eye contact w/ you when you're talking to her & have her repeat it back to you. Good luck!!

Jennifer - posted on 11/18/2009

Quoting Holly:

OMG! YES, sounds just like my 3 1/2 year-old son. I've read the books, even listen to books on tape! Try to ignore it but do the same thing....get to the point where I scream and then feel horrible afterwards. Angel baby! Once he started pulling up and climbing, he started really showing his independence! It's constant and sometimes I wonder why I even try cause whatever I do to try to make him happy, it changes the next second. I do want this, but not like that. I don't want this, but don't let my brother have it! Let's hope they do outgrow some of it!

So what do you do?  What works?  It is the little things that set her off.  Once she wanted her coat buttoned and I said we didnt need to cuz it was nice out... she kicked and screamed in the car... then I think, what is the big deal, I should have just done it. It wasn't giving her her way at the time (prior to the freak out)... would have saved myself some unnecessary stress..... live and learn. if there is something she wants within reason ie.. coat buttoned i've learned to just do it.  Still isn't giving in cuz it is prior to freak out !   You just never know when something is going to trigger them !!   so nervewracking in public.  she is much better if her sister isn't aroung (is in school). As soon as she comes home... all hell breaks loose !   what is the deal???

I'm so glad I found this circle of crazies !! 

At least getting it out of my head helps ! !  !

Thanks for letting me into your world ! !

Jennifer

Jennifer - posted on 11/18/2009

Have you thought about trying breathing exercises or yoga?? I know it sounds a lil' strange but it seems to have worked pretty well w/ my son (now 6) who would hit himself in the head & bang stuff around if it wasn't right. My 4yr daughter (still) is pretty strong willed as well however, she's been in headstart for a yr & it seems that being around other children (and other adults) has taught her that you don't always get your way. You may just have to walk away from her when she freaks out & tell her you're not going to talk to her until she calms down.....it's much less stressful on you to deal w/ her when she's not having a meltdown. Hope this was helpful, good luck!!

Holly - posted on 11/18/2009

OMG! YES, sounds just like my 3 1/2 year-old son. I've read the books, even listen to books on tape! Try to ignore it but do the same thing....get to the point where I scream and then feel horrible afterwards. Angel baby! Once he started pulling up and climbing, he started really showing his independence! It's constant and sometimes I wonder why I even try cause whatever I do to try to make him happy, it changes the next second. I do want this, but not like that. I don't want this, but don't let my brother have it! Let's hope they do outgrow some of it!

Jennifer - posted on 11/18/2009

Quoting Shelly:

Reading your post reminds me of the commercial where the mom yells "Somebody needs a time out" to her two arguing kids and then walks in the other room to lay down, lol. I SO relate to that feeling. Our son went through the screaming mimis as well. It has been my experience that kids learn coping skills at their own pace no matter how much we want to help. But, redirection was the key for us and these two games help: 1- "What do you do?"--When we figured out that he was having more and more tantrums, we made up a game to play during non-stress times. We would ask a question and he was rewarded for a correct response. We used marshmallows or cherrios, etc. But, it doesn't have to be food--you could use a plastic container and give her a craft bead each time and, at the end of the game, close up the container and let her shake it rigorously for a count of 10. Ex. Q: When things do not go how we expect, What do you do? If the hole is round but the peg is square, What do you do? If the toy car stops rolling, What do you do? A: I can't make it roll but I CAN pick another car that rolls; Oh well, maybe next time.; Breathe deep 5 times; mom,I need help (said in a normal tone). It took quite a while of playing this in the non-stress environment before we could "cue" him during the stress event by saying What do you do? to help him redirect his thoughts in the right direction. And when he did respond in any way better during the stress time, we rewarded him with praise and hugs. And I must add, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, make yourself do this when you get frustrated even if you have to fabricate a stressor. Some kids need to see modeling of behavior to help it to sink in. 2- "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em"--This one is for at home of course, not public. When his frustrated yelling began, I would count to 10 while he yelled and then insist "Wait, wait, my turn!" and take turns yelling (not at each other, just in general and wow what a stress relief for both of us). If my husband was at home, we would both join in. If she won't take turns, just yell with her for a few minutes. Then progress to taking turns voicing what frustrates us and then what we like. Again, not an immediate solution, but after a while, the redirection worked. He would say "I don't like when my toy breaks" and I would vent "I don't like paying taxes". There is no magic cure. Kids have to learn to "apply" the coping behavior on their own. The most important thing is that they understand that we empathize with them and they know we are willing to listen and help (which I know you do and are or you would not be asking for suggestions). Best of luck!!

WOW !  Thanks for taking the time to write all of that.  I have tried yelling with her but I think she thinks I  was making fun of her.  I will try the "my turn" trick.  I do try to be attentive to find out and help her realize what it was that was making her so mad and trying to get her to voice it. 

I know my modeling hasn't been helpful as I get SOOOO frustrated with the fits.  Then I yell. 

This morning A BREAKTHROUGH>>>>  she was throwing a fit and on her own she said that her sister hurt her feelings bcuz she wouldn't share a book with her... so of course i praised her for voicing it and took her to let her sister know why she was upset.  1 fit down....

Your words were kind and helpful.  I will think about them the next time she has a meltdown.

Thanks

Jennifer

Shelly - posted on 11/18/2009

Reading your post reminds me of the commercial where the mom yells "Somebody needs a time out" to her two arguing kids and then walks in the other room to lay down, lol. I SO relate to that feeling. Our son went through the screaming mimis as well. It has been my experience that kids learn coping skills at their own pace no matter how much we want to help. But, redirection was the key for us and these two games help: 1- "What do you do?"--When we figured out that he was having more and more tantrums, we made up a game to play during non-stress times. We would ask a question and he was rewarded for a correct response. We used marshmallows or cherrios, etc. But, it doesn't have to be food--you could use a plastic container and give her a craft bead each time and, at the end of the game, close up the container and let her shake it rigorously for a count of 10. Ex. Q: When things do not go how we expect, What do you do? If the hole is round but the peg is square, What do you do? If the toy car stops rolling, What do you do? A: I can't make it roll but I CAN pick another car that rolls; Oh well, maybe next time.; Breathe deep 5 times; mom,I need help (said in a normal tone). It took quite a while of playing this in the non-stress environment before we could "cue" him during the stress event by saying What do you do? to help him redirect his thoughts in the right direction. And when he did respond in any way better during the stress time, we rewarded him with praise and hugs. And I must add, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, make yourself do this when you get frustrated even if you have to fabricate a stressor. Some kids need to see modeling of behavior to help it to sink in. 2- "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em"--This one is for at home of course, not public. When his frustrated yelling began, I would count to 10 while he yelled and then insist "Wait, wait, my turn!" and take turns yelling (not at each other, just in general and wow what a stress relief for both of us). If my husband was at home, we would both join in. If she won't take turns, just yell with her for a few minutes. Then progress to taking turns voicing what frustrates us and then what we like. Again, not an immediate solution, but after a while, the redirection worked. He would say "I don't like when my toy breaks" and I would vent "I don't like paying taxes". There is no magic cure. Kids have to learn to "apply" the coping behavior on their own. The most important thing is that they understand that we empathize with them and they know we are willing to listen and help (which I know you do and are or you would not be asking for suggestions). Best of luck!!

Jennifer - posted on 11/18/2009

Quoting Cathy:

We have a 4 1/2 year old son. He has always been this way, even as a baby. If something frustrated him - even just for a a few seconds - he'd scream and throw a tantrum. Otherwise he is a very sweet, extremely intelligent little boy and very lovey and cuddly. After the 4th time of his screaming during the day over the fact that something did not work the way he wanted or that he did not get something he wanted, me or my husband lose our temper, too, and yell. Not the best solution. We just keep trying to reassure him that he can learn to do something and that it takes time to learn a skill and 'practice makes perfect (most of the time).' He wants to be able to do something right away and not have to learn it. He is also more of a 'watcher' learner and not someone who can just sit down and do something like some kids are. I think it's because he really wants to understand something and really figure it out rather than just 'do' it. We have noticed in the last 6 months or so that he does not get as frustrated as he used to, he seems to pick up on things faster, but I think this is because his skill sets are improving (fine motor, cognitive, etc). He's determined and eager to learn, but I can't wait until he has a bit more patience with life! I love the little guy to bits!

Hi Cathy,

Mine was a very good baby. It wasn't until about a year that she started this.  I guess being more independent. ??   I do babysit a 3 month old, who screams if he loses his binky....

Mine is smart and loving (when SHE wants to be) !  That is what was so confusing about it.  How can she be so loving and cuddly then turn on a dime and be in a rage.  She used to hit her sister if she didn't go along with the program. That was when she was 2.  I felt so bad for my older daughter.  Luckily she is very patient (most times). 

I belieive tha time outs and punishments don't work on these personalities.  She would get even more furious.  However, you can't just let it go unnoticed. 

I try to keep my cool but when it keeps going on and on..... every day... several times a day.... AHHHHHHH

I am at a loss at what to do.  I thought there must be neurological damage or food allergy or sugar drop or some REASON why she would do this. 

Thanks for you words of wisdom,

Jennifer

Jennifer - posted on 11/18/2009

Quoting Ronnetta:

my daughter is nine and she has just learned not to get so angry over petty things...i totally understand your frustrations but if she is anything like my little girl, you have a while, maybe like three or four more years of her acting this way. ignoring her didn't work for me because i assumed that my daughter started to believe that this is a acceptable way to act all the time...over time i kept reassuring her that angry is ok at times and that she needs to learn to control it. i use to leave her at home with my mother or father because i didn't like to take her to the store or gas station with me. she always acted out when we did not agree on something..i did not want to deal with that in public..i reminded her that her actions will not get her want she wanted and in time she finally understood why.. its hard to deal with and you may yell back but that helps sometimes but is not the solution...you just have to let her mature in time...hope i have help just a little :-)

Ok. so there is an end in sight.  I wanted to try and get this figured out BEFORE she goes to school.  I was the same way, I didn't like to take her out so I didn't go out.  If I had to go out, I was nervous the whole time that she was going to act up.  It is embarassing.  I guess out of this experience, I have learned not to judge other moms and kids that are misbehaving in public.

It will sometimes work to ignore it until she has calmed down b-cuz there is NO talking to her when she is soooo mad !

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

Jennifer

Cathy - posted on 11/18/2009

We have a 4 1/2 year old son. He has always been this way, even as a baby. If something frustrated him - even just for a a few seconds - he'd scream and throw a tantrum. Otherwise he is a very sweet, extremely intelligent little boy and very lovey and cuddly. After the 4th time of his screaming during the day over the fact that something did not work the way he wanted or that he did not get something he wanted, me or my husband lose our temper, too, and yell. Not the best solution. We just keep trying to reassure him that he can learn to do something and that it takes time to learn a skill and 'practice makes perfect (most of the time).' He wants to be able to do something right away and not have to learn it. He is also more of a 'watcher' learner and not someone who can just sit down and do something like some kids are. I think it's because he really wants to understand something and really figure it out rather than just 'do' it. We have noticed in the last 6 months or so that he does not get as frustrated as he used to, he seems to pick up on things faster, but I think this is because his skill sets are improving (fine motor, cognitive, etc). He's determined and eager to learn, but I can't wait until he has a bit more patience with life! I love the little guy to bits!

Ronnetta - posted on 11/17/2009

my daughter is nine and she has just learned not to get so angry over petty things...i totally understand your frustrations but if she is anything like my little girl, you have a while, maybe like three or four more years of her acting this way. ignoring her didn't work for me because i assumed that my daughter started to believe that this is a acceptable way to act all the time...over time i kept reassuring her that angry is ok at times and that she needs to learn to control it. i use to leave her at home with my mother or father because i didn't like to take her to the store or gas station with me. she always acted out when we did not agree on something..i did not want to deal with that in public..i reminded her that her actions will not get her want she wanted and in time she finally understood why.. its hard to deal with and you may yell back but that helps sometimes but is not the solution...you just have to let her mature in time...hope i have help just a little :-)