How can I help my 5 yo daughter?

Lisa - posted on 09/19/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hi I am new to the site and need some help.

My daughter just started Kindergarten and never went to pre school. She is having trouble behaving at school and is down right Violent at home.

At school she is throwing her food at lunch and squirting her juice every where, she got in trouble last week for hiting. She wont come in from recess when she is told they have to go get her and bring her in and she hits the ladies that are trying to get her to come inside. I am at a loss of what to do. I am working with her teacher and following her advice but it dose not seem to be making a diffrence. The lunch time stuff has become so bad that I have been asked to come have lunch with her now to "teach her how to eat in the lunch room". This is hard for me because this means I have to bring my 2yo with me.



At home if I ask her to do something she screams and has total meltdowns. If i pickher up to put her in time out(because she won't go willingly)she scratches, bites, punches and kicks me. She acts like she's the adult and when I tell her that she's not she tells me how much she hates me and how shes incharge. Of course I know just that is because shes angry so I let it go. I have tried giving her choices and she just ignores me.

Her dad and I hve been seperated scence shortly after my 2yo was born and they go see him every other weekend. He plays on his computer while they watch movies. His hous has no routen and he will give them what they want to make them leave him alone. When I talk to him about it he just guilt trips me about leaving him.

I don't know what to.......Sorry this is so long

any advice is welcome.

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Barbara - posted on 09/20/2012

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Your daughter is stressed. I agree you need to see a family therapists. the sooner the better... Daddy has NO rules and Mommy has ALL the rules. add school in there with more rules.

So lets look at things from your child's point of view.

Group setting for lunch., it's LOUD in there with all the kids and activities going on. Lunch 20 minutes maybe 30. She has to get her tray, fork and food... eat and then clean up. LOTS of distractions. Group time on the rug. never did that at home.

Recess/play time is FUN. why should she stop having fun? this is how she is thinking.



Daddy's house has NO rules... they whine, fuss and Daddy puts iin Disney movies and makes popcorn. What's not to like?



Daddy needs parenting lessons or the kids don't go. Talk it over with your lawyer. At ages 5 and 2 Daddy needs to be more involved than a movie while he plays Farmville on FB.



As for her behavior at home (mom's house/mom's rules) You cannot back down. she's 5. If you tell her time out for 5 minutes it can be in her room. It can be in the naughty chair. it can be beside you. but time out is just that. I chance to regain her control. and calm down.



If you are towering over her, to correct her, get down on her level and look her in the eye and Say, "Sally, I see you are upset/angry/frustrated... and acknowledge her emotions. and then say, we can talk about it when you are more calm and I can understand every word you share with me. Sit here for 5 minutes and we will talk."

Time out is really not for being "bad", but for having lost their cool and the need to regain that control. If she is hitting, biting, kicking you she has restitution... and needs to make up to yoo for those actions of hurting you. She needs to be gentle and touch you with kindness not harm.



From your message, I see a very angry little girl who has had many changes in a short little while... I feel finding a good family therapist can help your family heal. And yes Daddy needs to go too, because you and he are forever bound together through the children you share. Same rules, same page. EVERY time



Hope this helps.

Psyche - posted on 09/19/2012

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i am so sorry this is happening. i really think you should see a family therapist. it sounds like your daughter is really struggling to cope with all the changes in her life. i would also tell dad to act like a dad and not a babysitter if he's going to be with them.

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Katherine - posted on 09/19/2012

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I wouldtry a rewards chart with her. Focus on the good behavior and when she is naughty she doesn't get a sticker. At the end of the week if she gets x amount of stickers she gets to do something special. Try as hard as you can to make it fail proof.

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