How do u help ur child stand up for himself against bullies at school without them getting into trouble at school?

[deleted account] ( 30 moms have responded )

I have tried every way I can think of to help my 9 year old son with dealing with bullies. He is in 4th grade now and has been dealing with this since 2nd grade. He tried walking away, tried talking with the school and nothing has changed. He finally stands up for himself and was almost suspended for pushing a boy back that has picked on him seriously for 2 years now. I don't know what else to tell him to help him without him getting into more trouble at school. When I tell him to stand up for himself he says he doesnt want to hurt anybody or get them into trouble. So, I am at a loss on what to do.

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Laurence - posted on 11/07/2013

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Karate and Jui Jitsu will not help. It's a whimpy sport as you don't learn to take hits (at a white belt level). It does not toughen you up. You might aswell put them in Yoga. Put your kids in an intensive Kick Boxing class so they can learn to take hard hits and give them the ability to do some serious damage when needed. It will give them tremendous confidence. When bullies find out that your kid is a hard core kickboxer they will run. 6 years old is a great age to start. Everyone is scared of kickboxers. Everyone. Check it out.

Lynette - posted on 04/18/2009

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I had the same problem with my 6 yr old. She was getting a very bad temper and developing stomach aches all the time, essp when it came time to go to school. After weeks she told us what the problem was and we went into the school and discussed it with them. It helps that they were supportive also and don't tollerate that kind of behaviour. However, saying all this she has a tendance to get hit by the other children and comes home covered in bruses like a punch bag. I tell her to stand tall and tell them, NO. If she has to I get her to shout it and she does. I get her to tell a teacher and her class teacher as they don't alway communicate with each other. If after the teacher has had a word and the other child doesnt listen than I say it's fine for her to hit them back and when she does make sure that its very hard. She has done this on several occasions and its worked. She also doesn't like to hurt others but I have got her to understand that if someone is nice to you than you are nice back. If they are horrible than they are giving her permission to be horrible back. Always say treat others like you would like to be treated.

i would see what anti-bulling your school has in place. If you are still not getting any help from the teachers or headteacher than i would have a talk to the local education athority and see what they say about the issue.

The trick is to give your son confidence and praise all the time. Big up his confidence. Ask him if a friend of his gets hit, what happens. See from there what he says.

Keep talking to the school and keep a clear line of communication open at all times. Also ask your son how was playtimes etc. This way you know from him what has happend. Keep a diary and take it into the school with you off all the inccidents and also record in there what you did, ie phoned the school, talked to a teacher. Someone will listen, nobody likes someone harrassing them so keep doing it.

Helen - posted on 04/25/2009

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my son has been bullied since year 2 . thats 7 in britain. we also tried everything and my son , like yours eventually hit back and he was also told off for that. i honestly don't think bullying will ever get the recognition it so deserves in schools.i tell my son, who was suicidal over the bullying, that the bullies will never ammount to anything because they don't go to school to learn just to make someone's life hell. my son is now 13 and at senior school at a school that has a zero tolerence on bullying and i am a member of the school bullying meetings held with the governors, but the bullying still goes on. my son goes to school works hard and is now just trying to ignore them, which is working a bit he says. i feel so guilty that i have to send him to the so called lions daily and something should be done. maybe a school specially designed for children who bully, that i'm sure would stop them because there woulld be no easy targets. parents of bullies should also take responsibility for their children too. this is a world wide problem and if i could i would irradicate it but i know that is only a pipe dream as long as there are children who are targets there will always be a hunter! good luck:-)

Teresa - posted on 04/25/2009

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My now almost 11 yr old son was bullied in his younger years and no teacher would do anything about it. So i told my son to hit them one good time and they will leave u alone. The teachers these days seem to not watch the kids even on the playgrounds.I have always taught my son to stick up for himself against bullies what else are they to do if they dont stick up for them selves then they will be bullied all of there school yrs. My son is now a tough lil man he takes no crap from no bullies if the school does not pay attention to what goes on then who will. Makes you wonder why u just don't homeschool there would be less problems for sure:) Thanks.

Shelly - posted on 04/25/2009

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I work at an elementary school and as far as I know all schools have adopted the No Bullying Zone, if you push it like go to the board or threaten going higher, they will listen, especially if he has told already about this child and then when he takes action that they won't then he's going to be suspended, no way do not take it, go higher if your not satisfied, keep going higher till it is taken care of to YOUR AND YOUR CHILD'S SATISFACTION NOT THEIRS your child should not have to go through that for any reason and if he does retaliate against the bully child and is in trouble use that time to tell your feelings and go high girl, if we don't do it noone will, good luck and yall will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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Kalatin - posted on 11/16/2013

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Tell it kid to go to the consular she will help him with every thing he needs and stop the bullies and take him to kerte t o defined his self

Mariyetta - posted on 11/15/2013

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Here one site that has very helpful tips.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pass...

Move your child to another school. Even one year can help if you work hard together. Search for more article, give him more complements, and show your confidence (he should not see you worried). Stay strong and don't give up. Try to find an activity that he will succeed in, to gain confidence in himself. Good luck!

[deleted account]

Go directly to the principle and still if no development of helping your child is working go to the district. No school should accept bullying. If this school does not have zero tolerance for bullying then it is time to look for another school. I know you are already building up his self esteem so maybe have him learn karate or defending himself would help.

Andy - posted on 09/14/2012

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My son is 9 years old and in the gifted program. he has been getting bullied by the same kid for a long time. however, we were in the private school (past year) the teacher was with them all the time and pay attention to the kid ,who is bulling my kid. and give him aware that bully is bad, but now both them are in the gifted program with many kids. He once called my kid "gay" (this was happened to the old school, now they are going the same school again!!).

today, my son told me that (when he talked to me, he stared crying) that boy is doing everyday and he does not want to play with him, but this boy is around my kid's friend, so other kids get involved in making fun of my kid, so I went to see the teacher today.

I know that the teacher has 28 kids to watch, but he was surprised what I was telling him. He would never guess that that kid was bullying my kid.

So, today i decided this will not happen again this year. We want my kid to be in the gifted program and this issue has to be fixed!!



We put him in the martial arts yesterday (it will start this Saturday, if we have to, we will put him three time a week to build him confidence) and I suggested my husband to talk to the parents. His mom is so nice and she won't say anything to him (i guess she does not want to see what he does to other kid) once my husband told me that (he was 4 years old ) this kid was pushing around two years old kids and his mom did not say anything to him. this is his past year.



Now, i read all above everybody's comment and thank you for everybody.



Please let me know, more information!!

Tara - posted on 04/26/2009

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well first of all go to the school I personaly think tha zero tolerance for bulling should be a standard rule in any school but you would be supprised how may schools arent zero tolerance....and second your son needs affermation as to his worth and mom and dad wont cut it....put him into a group activity where he can excell and really support and even push him to do well self esteem is esential and critical even....as for the bully though i dont encourage retaliation in any way maybe self defence classes would be the ticket you would be suprised how good it feels just knowing you can defend yourself. I dont know where you live but here we do have a anti bulling law as well as if its a group of kids it could be construed as gang activity...i know this sounds extreem but show your child that there are options and if the school wont help the issue then go to the police and you need to tell the school thats you next step.....I really hope this helps and hearts goes out to you and your son

Christine - posted on 04/25/2009

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I would enroll him in Karate to help build his self esteem. It saddens me the school has done NOTHING to pacify this situation. I would call the school board and talk to the administrator IF the Principal refuses to hand it. Follow the chain of command. If it gets that bad, I don't know what else you should do. But please find something. And as for the other boys NOT getting in trouble? There are consequences for actions.

Stephanie - posted on 04/24/2009

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That's just crazy,most school's these days have stong anti-bully program's.It's not like back in the day anymore.The schools are supposed to protect our kids in those situations when we can't.If I were you I would go above the principles head straight to the school board,and they can'r get the job done talk to a lawyer.Poor little thing dosn't deserve that especially when he's trying to do the right thing.good luck

Sharon - posted on 04/24/2009

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I was thinking the same thing!! When I posted before....I was thinking that spitting constitutes assault!! I don't know how you go about pressing charges...but worth looking into!! I agree with Cathy too, without freaking anyone out....teenage suicide is VERY often associated with one form of bullying or another!! It is so sad..the epidemic it has become!!! my thoughts have been with you...hope your son is holding up ok!

Cathy - posted on 04/22/2009

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Ok, did anyone see 'Ellen' this morning? There was a woman on whose son just commit suicide due to being bullied since the beginning of the school year - he was only 11. I don't mean to scare you, Angie, I just wanted share the story with you. It's terrifying how real this issue is and how much bullying can emotionally affect our kids. The mom on the show said she was aware of the bullying and had contacted the school about it, but nothing was being done. She was a member of the PTO, and was intending to bring her son to the meeting that night, to get to the bottom of things - but it was too late. So devastating.

Please do whatever you have to do to keep your son away from these bullies, even if you have to take him out of school for the rest of the year. Maybe home schooling is the answer, I don't know. But this poor mother was a real wake-up call for me about how far things can get.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Good luck !!

Chris - posted on 04/21/2009

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And yes, I agree with Angie, above. This can be reason to file charges. You can go to criminal (juvenile) court and push charges against him and his family. If the child is under a certain age, his family should be held responsible for their actions. It can be done.

Chris - posted on 04/21/2009

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I have a 9 year old that is in the gifted program. He gets picked on all the time and gets pushed and hit on the bus. I have repeatedly gone to the school. they have cameras on the bus and can look to see who is causing the problem. There have been kids suspended and there have been times when my son wouldn't fight back at all. the principal told me tell him to fight back and at least defend himself. He is smaller than most 9 year olds too. She told me the squeaky wheel gets the oil. So, I'm giving you the same advice. Keep talking to the school, the superintendant, the school board, whoever it takes to protect your son. Don't give up!

Angie - posted on 04/21/2009

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My son went through the same thing. There is little that you can do if he does not want to defend himself - my son was the same. When I spoke with the teachers and principal things got worse because they thought he was a snitch who let his mom fight his battles for him. However, once spitting begins the stakes have been raised. This is legally a form of battery and criminal charges can be filed. Because this has become so severe I would make it clear to the school that if this happens again, not only will you inform the police of the assault but you lawyer will be contacting the school as well. You child could become very ill from this type of behavior and the school is required, by law, to provide a safe environment for you child to learn. Have your child go to the bathroom and use tissue to "collect the evidence" and bring it home. You will need this to go to the police.

Cathy - posted on 04/21/2009

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Has your son pointed the kid out to you yet? Have you contacted the kid's parents yet? I would definitely start taking matters into my own hands if I were you. Pay a little visit to his home, and lay it on the line to his folks...either they put a stop to their child's behaviour or you'll have no choice but to 'look the other way' if/when a bigger bully decides to start picking on their son. It sounds a bit extreme, but c'mon, your son is suffering and does not deserve all the crap he's getting.

I really think you need to get your son into some kind of group/sport to build him up. Karate, TaiKwondo (sorry for the spelling) or Judo are all great for instilling a sense of power and pride in kids. I know they can be expensive, but look around, they offer these classes at community centres too and they are a lot cheaper than the bigger schools.

I would also suggest demanding that the school assign an older 'big brother' type, to look out for your son during school hours, you know, like a Grade 7 or 8 kid who can stick up for him and 'intimidate' this bully a bit.

Lastly, get your husband or other older male figure his life to start picking him up from school - this kid has got to get the message that the jig is up and its time to quit being such a creep.

Marti - posted on 04/20/2009

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Karate is also a great way to build his self esteem and defend his self . My daughter started and they are great and wonderful instructors.

Marti - posted on 04/20/2009

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I would have a talk with the principal and if they didn't listen and he still got in trouble then I would go above to the ISD and tell them what is going on and that the school refused to handle the situation. I'm sure you will get something done that way.

[deleted account]

ok so today one of the boys that picks on him spit in his face. My son told the cafeteria people and they did nothing. This isnt the first time this has happened before it was in his food. He doesnt have alot of friends because the other kids tell him they cant be friends with him or they will get beat up as well. The one friend that is in his class pretty much gets beat on at school to. The only way we can move him into another school is if we move and right now that is not an option. We cant afford to pay the tution to put him into another school. Like I said before he is in the 4th grade and in the 6th grade he would be back with all the same kids anyways when he goes to the middle school. I have considered home schooling him but then I thought about the social aspect of taking him out of school. There are no boys his age that really live close to us, so they only time he gets to be around boys his own age is at school. As far as the school I have went there and had many meetings about this issue and the only thing they tell me is that they have no proof. When I mentioned about trying to record on video what is going on they says I am not allowed to do this because of school policy. We have a meeting again with the school tomorrow morning. But I seriously do not think it will help. But please keep putting your thoughts and suggestions on here. One of them might work and I am willing to try just about anything at this point. Thank You to all of you

[deleted account]

My daughter is getting bullied, by a boy of all things. She breaks down crying at the smallest things. It's hard for me to see because I was bullied all through out school, I changed school systems aftermore than 6 years of being pushed around. It worked marvolously. My parents never got involved with the issue, and I think that is why it went on so long. Remember to tell them you love them. Get them involved in activities that involve other kids and let your child find friends in a different atmosphere. Talk to your principal and teachers, they might have some suggestions. We have a bully free rule, so they take immediate action. Find out when your child is getting bullied, that way you can present that info to the authorities, and they can suggest ways to limit your child's exposure during these times, or eliminate your child from being in situations where they can be bullied at these times. My escape as a child was to help the Librarian during lunch recess and when I was younger, I helped the janitor clean up after lunch. All it really takes is for some one to care, and make your child realize it's the bully's insecurities and problems that make them mean. Also, you might want to watch your child's interations with other children. Teach them how not to instigate confrontations, and how to stick up for themselves. Sometimes when children are bullied, they will give their right hand if someone asks for it, just so they feel needed and accepted. This behavior will continue as they mature and follow them into adult hood. To give to a certain point is ok, but they have to know they come first!



I hope all gets better soon, as for my daughter, she is pretty tough, and I will be talking to her principal and teacher. The child that has been picking on her has major behavior problems. She was assigned to sit next to him at lunch, and that will be changing. Also, it really helps if you are involved at the school. You get to know the teachers, the enviroment, and the routines in the day. The kids do get to know you, and from my experience, it really boosts my kids esteem and pride to see me there.

Paula - posted on 04/20/2009

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My son, now in grade 8, has been bullied by the same kid,sometimes others, since he started grade 7. I`ve talked to the teachers and the principal so many times, i`ve lost count. It has even caused my son to be suspended for a day cause he reacted to a kid picking on him.My son is a red head and has a short fuse. I`ve warned the school so many times that if the bullying doesn`t stop my son will blow his fuse. It`s like me talking to a wall. All i`ll get is that they`ll talk to the kid and my son. My son has informed me that the principal hasn`t talked to him at all. We`re planning on checking out another school this week, for September enrollment.It`s called Electric Ed. Where he does some days at school and some at home.Hoping this will be better for him.His grades have been badly affected due to the constant bullying.

[deleted account]

I had the same problem with my son, who is in the 5th grade. Same bullies since the 3rd grade, and he finally had enough. We had tried everything, and nothing helped. The school counselor even had all the bullies in a group with my son called Friendship club. What a joke!!! After a lot of thought and prayer, we ended up pulling our son and homeschooling him. He is involved in a lot of activities with some of his other friends, and his self esteem is 100 times better. This is not always the solution, but for us it really was. It is so successful we are thinking about pulling our other children next year!!!

Cathy - posted on 04/18/2009

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I totally agree you should speak to the principal and have a meeting with the other child's parents. There should be zero-tolerance for bullying on school property. I think its equally important though to give your kids the tools for handling any situation on or off school property...bullying can happen on the streets, in the parks, on the internet, etc. A strong buddy system (circle of friends) is a great way to empower your son and give him a sense of control over this bully. And self-esteem is definitely not built on your own...it needs to be nurtured over time.

I suggest enrolling your son in a martial arts program - he'll gain invaluable inner strength and he will command respect.

Sharon - posted on 04/18/2009

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Quoting Sharron:

self esteem is just that, SELF esteem. No one can give anyone one else self esteem. It's something a person builds on their own. Bullying stinks and needs to be handled by the adult authorities at school. Parents should be in communication with the school, even if it is everyday. This should not be let go.



Bullying stinks......agreed!



 



I have to disagree that no-one can give you self-esteem except yourself though, sorry!!  Feeling valued and respected and special all contribute to healthy self-esteem!! As parents ,we help our children achieve that my giving them quality time, praising them, encouraging them, loving them and listening to them!!



 



I imagine the task of achieving self-esteem independantly for a child...would be quite daunting!!



 



JMO, of course.....bullying needs to be handled by both with the school....and at home!!

Sharron - posted on 04/18/2009

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self esteem is just that, SELF esteem. No one can give anyone one else self esteem. It's something a person builds on their own. Bullying stinks and needs to be handled by the adult authorities at school. Parents should be in communication with the school, even if it is everyday. This should not be let go.

Cathy - posted on 04/18/2009

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This is such a tough thing to deal with, for you and for your son. What I've always noticed about bullies is they usually only go for the child that has no friends, and looks like an easy target. If your son has a circle of buddies that he can rely on to 'have his back' then this bully won't feel so inclined to bother him. Encourage your son to make as many friends as he can, so he doesn't have to walk around alone at recess. Even just one good buddy that he can chum with. Being accepted by kids is such a great boost to kids self esteem.

Good luck !!

Stacie - posted on 04/18/2009

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I agree go to the school harass them request a meeting the other childs parents if possible if you has been harmed physically press charges if necessary it doesn t matter how old child is you do the crime you do the time not to be mean but you do not want a columbine on your hands do you nip it inthe bud now good luck

Sharon - posted on 04/17/2009

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This must be really hard!! I firmly believe a child can be made to be bully-proof.....with confidence buillding and improving self-esteem!!



By the way..I would talk to the school again, and again, and again....until you see some results!! For nothing to have changed...is unacceptable!! Good luck!

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