How do you unspoil a baby?

Sylvia - posted on 09/14/2012

@Paige, I'm not saying we should coddle, "baby", or over-protect kids. (In fact, if you read other posts of mine around CoM, you'll find that I'm regularly yelled at by other mums for shockingly irresponsible behaviour like letting my daughter walk to school, take the bus to day camp, run errands at the corner store, and use public washrooms on her own.) But there's a difference between a school-age child and a 9- or 10-month-old, which developmentally is what a 1-year-old preemie is. It's a continuum, and it's not the securely attached, confident kids who are terrified when mum drops them off at school. Babies *need* human touch. They need to be held and comforted; some babies seem to need it constantly. But they grow out of that ... gradually. Unless, of course, they don't get the cuddles they need, and then that need doesn't go away, it just manifests in other ways. I had a classmate in elementary and jr high school whose parents were really smothering; I felt sorry for her, but I also hated her guts a lot of the time because she took out all her insecurities and unhappiness on her "friends".



My 10-year-old, the one who walks to and from school and goes to the local playground on her own? She was the clingiest baby I have ever met (and I've met a LOT of clingy babies). I was constantly being told she was spoiled, I held her too much, I needed to "just let her scream", we'd never get her out of our bed if we let her sleep with us, she needed to be on a feeding schedule, etc., etc. And you know what? I ignored all that advice, gave her the kind of parenting she actually seemed to need ... and now I have this very independent kid (most of the time ... I wish I could get her to do her own laundry :P).



Sometimes you just have to meet kids where they're at.

Paige - posted on 09/13/2012

@Sylvia

Well, I can honestly say that as a child I was coddled too much. You can love your children and give them plenty of affection without constantly holding them and babying them. The reason it's a problem is because the parent cannot always be there. School was TRAUMATIZING for me. Not just in preschool, either. Everyday it was so hard to leave my mom. I ALWAYS cried because going anywhere without my mom was scary. I needed her with me at all times but that's just not realistic, nor is it healthy. It honestly makes it 10 times more difficult to grow and mature. An attachment to a toy is great bc the child can take it with them and avoid the daily separation anxiety.

Queen - posted on 09/12/2012

that's not for you to do. you can set limits of your own and rules for your house and share them with his parents.

Sylvia - posted on 09/07/2012

@Paige, I'm finding some of the comments unnerving too, but I think the ones that unnerve me are different from the ones that unnerve you :/



Can you explain -- this is something I often wonder about -- why you feel it's preferable for a little kid to develop an attachment to a security blanket or a stuffed toy than to a human being? A lot of people seem to feel this way and it's always puzzled me. I mean, we find disturbing when an adult substitutes inanimate objects for normal human relationships, yet we (as a society) often actively encourage it in kids ...

Paige - posted on 08/29/2012

Some of the comments here are unnerving. YES, to an extent, you certainly CAN spoil a baby... In this case, by never teaching him to sleep on his own or probably even "Entertain himself" with baby toys. If he were younger, my advice would be to swaddle, swaddle, swaddle but at a year old he's too old for that. Ignore all of the nasty comments, please. As a loving aunt, I am certain you only want whats best for him. I know it's much easier said that done but I would try using bright and LOUD baby toys and finding a way to slowly distance yourself over some time. Dont be afraid to let him cry... there are different cries and the serious ones are easily distinguished from the spoiled please-hold-me-and-give-me-attention cries. Theres nothing wrong with letting the child get attached to a security blanket/ favorite teddy bear/ etc which would also help with his anxiety issues. I hope some of this helps :-)

Jennifer - posted on 08/24/2012

Bobbie - AMEN and WELL PUT. Kelly, if you're looking for a play-by-play, there it is.

I'm kinda floored at the number of people here who have just said, let him cry, or give him a time-out chair. This baby is only 1. Reading through the posts, it sounds like his adjusted age may be 9-10 months old? I have a 9 month old right now. I cant IMAGINE putting her in a timeout chair because she wanted to be HELD. I dont believe that a baby can be "spoiled", but that being said, it doesnt take much to go from a clingy baby to a spoiled toddler. Your nephew was (for good reason) held and loved constantly as soon as he was brought home. The parents are probably still just very thankful that he is here with them, and yes, probably cater to him too much. They may not understand that it will do him no favors in the future. No one likes a spoiled child.

But do remember that for the first year of his life, 'this' is all he's known. Being held, being catered to, getting away with things. It will take time, patience, and lots of love to slowly start molding his behavior. And dont expect it to happen overnight. Firstly, you should have a frank discussion with his parents. Explain that its tough for you to do anything while holding him 24/7, and ask what they do. Perhaps they can send a favorite toy or blanket or something that entertains him. If they dont notice that he seems to be extraordinarily clingy, try saying something like, I want to try *this*, would it be ok with you to do that? With *this* being taking a playpen into the kitchen while doing dishes, laying a blanket outside on the lawn while you make a phone call, etc, just to try and get them to see that it is causing you to stress. They may not be aware of it, or you know, he may only act this way AWAY from his parents.

My oldest (now 6) was a very independent baby, but loved to cuddle. My 9 month old? As dependant as they come, but hates to cuddle. She wants to be held all the time, has to be in the same room as I am, oh, and refuses to nap. It makes it quite a pain to get things done, so I feel for you. I've discovered that when she's in the house, playing in the same spots, she gets incredibly bored, and would rather use ME as a toy. But if I take her out, just outside, to the park with her sister, a playground, for a walk, whatever, where the scenery isnt the same, she doesnt need me constantly holding her. Even taking her regular toys outside and putting them on a blanket, she plays with them instead of me. I'm just saying see what engages HIM.

I think everything that Bobbie said above was wonderful advice. And please, for God's sake, dont do as other suggested and put EARPLUGS in your ears. Look him in the eye, "listen" to him, and give attention to good behaviors. But putting earplugs in your ears so you dont hear a child crying should be chapter 1 of Bad Parenting 101. He needs to know you ARE hearing him, even if he's not understood yet, and that you wont just walk away when he's feeling vulnerable.

And a little secret - starting around age 1, if a baby starts to cry, try whispering to them. Just, for instance, try very quietly saying, "whats wrong honey? I know you dont think you need a nap yet, but if you nap, you'll feel much better when you wake up." And I do mean WHISPER. A screaming child will naturally quiet down in order to hear what you are saying to them, and you can usually diffuse a tantrum before it really even gets going.

Good luck to you Kelly.

Bobbie - posted on 08/20/2012

He must be one exhausted little guy. Babies require a lot of sleep, and deep sleep at that.
I think he has exhausted you as well emotionally. Chances are you feel yourself getting tired just thinking about him coming over. It can't be any fun for you at all! These are actually signs that he is fighting for control and it's a good thing you realize that. Chances are he has been able to manipulate his environment at home and he is suffering for it. Sadly he doesn't have regular patterns and a schedule that brings him comfort. His parents need not be part of the changes that you make for when you have him. He will learn that you set boundaries at your house and that you are in control. He will probably love coming to your house after a while, just like the little guy I cared for. They feel comforted by someone setting limits and mentally since they are no longer pushing to find those limits, they are more calm.
So no matter what they are permitted to do at their house you can establish healthy boundaries at yours. Before long you will feel the joy of spending time with him again.
I am not sure about the comment that you can't do anything. Caring for a baby that age is constant, and I do mean constant, every single minute, in your sight. If you expect him to play well by himself while you leave the room forget it. Once you set good boundaries you may get 10 minutes out of his line of sight before he becomes stressed and comes looking for you.
My suggestions for new habits for you and him.
- determine a loosely set schedule (since he isn't use to having one)
- Before he arrives have the proper equipment to keep a baby actively engaged in play that doesn't require you holding him. I use a big soft blanket on the floor. If you don't have toys that you keep at your house get some and keep them there for him. His own toys greeting him will make him excited. Any interactive play mats and baby toys should be laid out for him. Place a blanket in the kitchen as well as the main room.
-Turn off any loud music and don't have the tv on. Don't expect to be texting and making calls while he is in "active play mode"
-Put on a different attitude ~ fake it til you feel it :) Large happy expression and very interactive voice while you sit him down in a play area. Join him at his level. Talk, tickle, play and pick up toys to show him for him to grab at and chew on. play time should be fun for you both. Crawl along beside him to go after a toy, in race style that you have rolled or pushed out of his way. Expect to play with him for at least an hour to really wear him out. No cuddle and holding though him climbing on and off your crossed legs is fun and will give him the contact he craves.
-ALWAYS find out when he has eaten last so you feed him before he gets fussy. at that age a small snack every two hours is appropriate. A healthy snack is the containers of puffed finger snacks like bananas. Don't let him eat in the play area, move him to a high chair or other devised space you feed him in restrained. . He must be restrained so that he doesn't cling to you or throw himself around. Sit near him and you eat a snack too. or fake that you are eating. If he squirms and cries to get out? this is where you keep your cool. Smile and continue to eat your snack. Make eye contact with him and let him know by the tone of your voice that you are still in happy mode. Keep it short. Give him no longer than 5 minutes in that restrained area if he isn't liking it and no more than 10 minutes if he is doing well.
After snack a warm bath is shallow water and lots of gentle massage to his back with a wash cloth & baby wash will be his new cue that he is getting very sleepy :) This has an amazing affect on babies. Maybe because their mothers bath them at night? Buy lavender baby wash. Lavender is know for it's soothing effects. I do mean that you bath him during the day. He needs comfort cues to settle down. It isn't going to hurt him to have a bath out the way when his mom picks him up either. I am sure she will appreciate it.
Place him in just a comfy tee shirt and diaper. NOW is when you hold him if he wants closeness. Give him a bottle and let him feel you really cuddle him. Again, the tv and music is off so you may want to put on some relaxing sounds, no words, such as jazz. You will feel the effects as well and get sleepy. I always do. Don't expect him to sleep. Don't plan on it or feel you have failed if he doesn't. Have or your phone ready for when he dozes off so you can text or play games or read. Don't leave the room! Even if you will be talking on the phone. Have an area of blankets ready on your sofa next to you when you sit down with him. After some cuddle time and before he dozes off completely lay him in it and stay right there beside him to touch his leg or rub his back. For the first few times you do this don't leave the room while he sleeps. Wait til he wakes and be there to greet him with a happy face.
What all this will do is let him know that you set the schedule, you are in charge and you decide when he eats, plays and rests.
When he throws himself and cries for something he should not be given that object. He should be left to cry, kick, scream or whatever way he is acting out without attention. BUT DON"T WALK AWAY from him. Stay where you are and just calmly wait him out. It may not make sense to you at first because most of us were raised to react to bad behavior when in fact reacting to good behavior and not giving them attention when they act out yields the best results.
Lastly, try to really connect with him. Learn his facial expressions so you can better understand him

Ana - posted on 08/18/2012

He does still need love and attention, but he needs balance too..

Ana - posted on 08/18/2012

It has to be a group effort..If he's being spoiled at home like this, no one outside the home who keeps kim every so often is going to be able to change him.

But wow, I'm sure they way his parents are giving into him is going to make it really hard for anyone to watch him, especially school or daycare.. he's gonna get sent home alot..unless they help him..

Amber - posted on 08/17/2012

Very true what the person below said. A child has never died from crying. Some doctors will even tell you it can be good for their lungs. I would say let him cry it out and just check on him from time-to-time when he is throwing a fit. When my child tries this I simply leave the room. He has tried to follow me a few times but eventually gives up and moves on to other things. The suggestion of a "special" chair was also a good idea. It will let him know he is important you you but not the only responsibility. Good luck!

Mandy - posted on 08/10/2012

But a baby can get brain damage from from too much crying. Cortisol is released during periods of stress, and too much cortisol damages a baby's developing brain.

Julie - posted on 08/09/2012

He IS in control...whatever he is doing, is working for him. Get him a special "chair" so he can feel important. one that has toys and wheels on it so he can scoot around and gain independence.
Otherwise, My brother in law told me, A baby has never died from crying. I repeated that mantra often when tears were used to get what they wanted and not what they needed.

Zandra - posted on 08/05/2012

I totally agree with you Kristen and Pamela!! Kelly, stay strong and do what you think is right!

Tracie - posted on 08/04/2012

Give the child what he needs. If he needs physical contact to feel safe (he is only 1, after all, and had a very rough start in life) then give it to him. I don't agree with the co-sleeping/catnapping, however. Teaching your child to sleep on their own is a tremendous gift we can give our kids.

My youngest got the affectionate nickname "velcro baby" because she lived on my hip for the first two years of her life. When she was ready, she started exploring and now at almost 8 years old, she is a force to be reckoned with! Confident, intelligent, kind, outgoing and wild. She still takes longer than her sister to warm up to situations, though. It's just who she is. I wouldn't change a thing about her.

Kelly - posted on 08/02/2012

@ Medic Mommy I like that; very helpful and thanks.

Jodee - posted on 08/01/2012

yes we can agree to disagree ,and i do know how frustrating a clingy baby can be ,you need to talk to your brother sister about the baby ,and how you feel ,have you tried letting the baby cry ? how did that make you feel , i sugest to that when bubby cries check on him make sure he is safe ,if so pop on a pair of ear phone turn up your music and do the dishes housework or what ever use a portable monitor with sound turned down , if the lights are glowing green hes ok dont even check if they are red wait a while if still red check

Medic - posted on 08/01/2012

Hey Kelly, Let me give you some background. I have a 5 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. My daughter has sensory processing disorder, my son does not (only some sensory issues) anywho..... My son was always VERY independent, yet I did carry him in a sling, slept with him sometimes (he was very easy to go back and forth from his bed to mine), always talked to him, my parents and family were the same with him. My daughter on the other hand would never sleep with anyone always alone in her own bed, but had to be held at all waking moments. She was ALWAYS in a sling till one day at about 14 months she just decided she never wanted it again. Of course as she got older she would go and play with her brother and walk around a little but she was very timid and felt more calm being held. I have raised my kids the same way but I do take their lead. Now that my kids are older almost 6 and 3 they have switched rolls for the most part. My VERY independent boy, while still independent has become more timid and my VERY timid girl is crazy independent. They are just at those stages. Both were over one when they were done with the sling. Both can be out of sight and perfectly content. I guess I am trying to tell you I GET IT.....TRUST ME. I know how hard it is to carry a kid around all the time, no I do not feel that they are always spoiled (yes I do think it can happen) but more of a personality trait. I feel that if you find the balance to nurture that need it will naturally go away. There are studies that have proved that children that are slinged and carried become more independent as they grow. The more reassured he is the easier it will be for him to be independent. Sometimes with my daughter I have to let her hold onto my pocket or pants leg or I give her "work" to do along with me. Yes it takes longer, but it is quality time spent with her.

Kelly - posted on 08/01/2012

Really Jodee he just turned one yesterday; even at one a baby can be spoiled in my opinion and I didn't say there was anything wrong with wanting human contact; all humans want it. However, there is something wrong with needing it constantly and while its not a big issue, who can't see that its only good for him to learn to be on his own at times; he's not being turned out to get his own apartment, but I should be able to put him down to do the dishes or deal with my six year old. You are not the first person to refer to this as babysitting, but I don't look at it as babysitting; I'm spending time with family. We can agree to disagree :)

Jodee - posted on 08/01/2012

hes 1 how can he be spoiled,so he wants human contact whats wrong with that ,if you dont want to babysit him then dont,

Vine - posted on 08/01/2012

Children are different with every caregiver. As an auntie you have an opportunity to teach the child some things his parents may be struggling with since they likely were/are pretty worried about his health, and may justify poor behavior due to very real health issues.



At one year old, you could help the child realize that tantrums wont be tolerated by patiently letting the boy fuss until he's fussed out, staying near and keeping a loving demeanor. Talk calmly, rub his back, let him know you are nearby and that you have to do the dishes now etc. He could 'help' with some activities and then be put down to play on his own for a bit. When you put him down to play with toys near you, sing and talk to him even if he cries. Singing can help distract a child from their frustration. Go do what you need to do for a few minutes, come back and check on him. Gently chide, 'Are you still fussing, silly boy, I am right here for you and so are these toys! I can play with you for a few minutes if you stop crying, would you like that?' etc. Gradually, after a few visits, step away for longer and longer time until the boy is confident and playing on his own.



Essentially let him know that no matter what he does, you are the boss at your house and this is how things work at your house. It will take time, but eventually, the little guy will relax, and understand that your home has something special going on and he will trust you and love you even though you may be different than his parents. Children thrive with clear boundaries and strong guidelines and routine. He will thrive and be engaged and confident with you before long. Talk his parents about his positive change and let them know how you did it. It will give them strength too.

Lead with love, the rest will follow.

Mandy - posted on 08/01/2012

Children are not trying to manipulate us, they need us. Don't ignore his needs, please.

Dove - posted on 07/31/2012

Pamela, seriously? This kid is at the developmental stage of a 9-10 month old. Your post just breaks my heart for any baby that may ever be in your care. :(

Pamela - posted on 07/31/2012

He is in control or you wouldn't be writing....LOL!!! The way you stop his control game is to resist his energy by "taking charge" of the situation.

Do your BEST not to react to his tantrums. If necessary, put him eye to eye....but NOT holding him....sit him in a chair and come to his eye level. Look him directly in his eyes and explain to him that his behavior is unacceptable. You might say "Name", I don't like the way you are acting. If you cannot quiet down I will have to put in in another room until you can be more quiet."

Hopefully there is a room close by that is open enough for you to keep your eye on him and you can go about your business until he calms down. It will probably take several times to get the point across depending upon his level of stubbornness.

The idea is that none of us like to be "isolated" from others for long periods of time and he is no exception. If he comes to understand that his tantrums will remove him from your space EVERY time, they will eventually stop. However, you must remember that he has been in charge for quite a while and it will take "nerves of steel" to break his habits.

As you are separating him from your space tell him firmly but lovingly...."Aunty is going to leave you here until you are ready to calm down and be with me again. I hope it won't take long because I really love you and want to be with you". Give him a quick hug....then place him firmly in a spot where you can monitor, but not be attentive to his energy.

Since his pattern already has you jumping through hoops, you are the one who has to change in order for him to change. If you give in and go to comfort him while trying to break his habit it probably won't work. As long as he is safe leave him to "cry/scream/yell it out".

If the noise bothers you get a pair of ear plugs. That will decrease the sound and allow you to monitor him. Some children will continue to the point of exhaustion. if he does this it won't take him long to figure it out after it happens 2 or 3 times and you don't come running!

Hopefully he is not an extra stubborn child and will quickly get the message that tantrums do just the opposite....they separate you from him......not make you want to pick him up.

The highest and best in your attempts to break a bad habit!

Kelly - posted on 07/30/2012

I don't think I agree Mandy; of course, its up to parents to make the important decisions on things for their child, but realistically, when you have working parents who send their child to others to be watched, you want to make sure you are not setting up something that makes it hard for others to give a certain standard of care or that makes it hard for others to watch your child. Truly, this is not daycare; its my nephew, but he is with us here at least 4-5 days each week, and for more than an hour or two. His parents work differing shifts and both go to school as well, so when he's with us its for quite a block of time. In this case, I can't say if he's spoiled (which I somewhat think he is) or if its developmental (that could be a part of it) I am just trying to make it as easy as possible for us both

Kristin - posted on 07/30/2012

My kids all lesarnt to self soothe by the age of 1 and so do majority of kids at this age. Once they begin to crawl and walk they should not have to be held all the time 24/7. My kids only want to be held if they are tired or not feeling well other than that they have all been quite content to be busy little kids at age 1 walking and crawling and discovering their world. My daughter is 16 months old and she only wantys to be held on her terms if you try to cuddle her and she is playing she screams to be let down. Most kids I know at age 1 are too busy playing and discovering their own worlds My kids are attached to me and love me but they also dont need to be held or be with someone 24/7. At age 1 you tell me what child will actually happily sit in a sling i know none of mine would have. Once they started crawling they wanted down and i have 3 kids . I think you are not crazy Kelly and that this child does need to learn some independance and self soothing, or else it will keep getting worse and worse and harder and harder as child gets older

Mandy - posted on 07/30/2012

That's what I meant, babies should be attached to their mums. You can't start off encouraging attachment then withdraw it, it should be a gradual thing when the baby is ready.
All humans need physical contact. Personally I think a year is far too young to be expected to self sooth and settle, my recommendation would be for you and his mummy to invest in a sling or wrap, pop him in it on your back and get on with your day, I am sure you will notice a difference.
Independence should not be forced and that is really for his parents to decide on not you.

Kelly - posted on 07/30/2012

@ Mandy he is very attached as he should be. He has just started to tear up his little face when she leaves, but it clears up very soon. Its not like he is a weekend watch though; my Mom and I live together and she watches him almost everyday. He sees us everyday and is very attached to us (although, of course, not like Mommy). He reaches and smiles and is happy to come to me from Mom; I reallly don't think its an attachment issue. I really think its an "I need human touch issue"; true he sleeps with his Mommy and she holds him alot (especially in the beginning we all did) but now she sits him in his chair or seat or on the floor while she works or does homework; he is always in sight of someone so I don't think he knows how to be alone or let down. I am trying to find a way to let him be independent and not need to be held so much; he is in the lap or on the hip for eat, sleep, play and all. Am I crazy to think he should start learning how to be content and settle without assistance?

Mandy - posted on 07/30/2012

He's not spoiled in the 1st place - he is very attached to his mummy. Put yourself in his place.

Kristin - posted on 07/30/2012

Oh my I sure wish i had the time to hold my kids all day long, I believe that holding a child all the time, sleeping with a child and making it even more dependent on someone is completely spoiling that child. I have 3 kids and I love them all but I did not hold any o f them all day every day. My middle child who is now 6 is my most clingy child and required the most effort to get him to be independent. He loved being held and sleeping with me, however it is not healthy to hold a baby all the time or sleep with them, (this came straight from 3 different doctors). I used to sit and play with him and gradually i would let him sit for longer and longer periods on his own. He had to sleep in his own bed and I would go in every 5 miniutes or so and check on him and not pick him up. It was rough but i couldnt get anything done with him. He was 3 before he finally slept in his own bed and if you dfont start making your kids independant they will never learn to function on their own and it just gets harder the older they get. I mean really does anyone want to sleep with theier 10 yr old child? WIth my youngest daughter she is 16 months and I only held her when she needed to be fed or wasnt feeling good. Now she motors all over the house exploring her little world and she helps with everything. I believe tha kids need to be able to be independant and explore their worlds and know all is safe and that mom and dad always come back for them. Plus i guess I had other kids to tend to as well and I just dont have the time or energy to hold my kids all day every day. Plus i believe that parents needs time as well and bed time is ususally it. No child should sleep with their parents on a regular basis as it is not safe or healthy for the child. I mean really what if you roll on the child in your sleep or the baby falls off the bed? Thats why their are cribs which are designed for babys safety and comfort. SO to unspoil a child i would go slow and slowly wean him or her from being held. Plus a little crying never hurt a child. Put the child in bed let him or her cry for 5 minutes check on them touch them soothe them lay them back down and leave. Keep doing this until child falls asleep. Mine always fell asleep within the first 5 minutes. If they have separation anxiety give them a comfort blanket or teddy bear. Keep reasurring them that they are ok. As for being held while awake, well put them down in front of toys and polay with them then gradually leave the room for a minute or 2 to help them learn to be more secure and to be independant.

Jill - posted on 07/30/2012

Premature babies remain premature in development for awhile too. So his actual age of 1 year is not an accurate indicator of his 'adjusted' age for behavior. You should not try to 'unspoil' him, you should treat him like a younger infant for now. When he is ready for independence, he will show it.

If you're not able to handle it - and it is a hard job, so I'm not judging - then you should tell your brother/sister to make other childcare arrangements.

Sylvia - posted on 07/29/2012

Kelly, I had that baby, too (well, mine wasn't a preemie -- she's just like that, and a "miracle baby" in the sense that nobody ever thought I would get pregnant). Some of my sisters- and brothers-in-law used to tell me she was spoiled when she behaved like a perfectly normal baby, and no, I absolutely did not leave her with them. Sorry, but the first time you tell me "All babies cry when they're going to sleep, it's good for them" (as my oldest SIL did when DD was a tiny baby -- and that wasn't the worst of it), you've lost any respect I ever had for your parenting advice.

Some babies are more high-touch and high-need, and my point was that THAT IS NORMAL for some kids -- and that you have to cut preemies some slack in terms of developmental milestones because they're not actually as old as their birth age suggests. My youngest niece was a 28-week preemie; she's now a healthy, strapping 13-year-old, but she was definitely what you would call "spoiled" in her first year. She nursed *all the time* after she came home from the hospital, because *that was what she needed*.

Your nephew will venture out into the wide world when he's ready to. Honest. Before you know it you'll be chasing him down the block.

Dove - posted on 07/29/2012

I apologize for thinking you were talking to me, but you started your comment with my name as well...

My son was very similar for a LONG time. Granted, he has big sisters that he was happy with so that I could get some stuff done, but he was also very attached to nursing which only I could do. ;)

How you get him ok is to do it slowly. If you don't have to put him down, don't. If you do, do it for a short time at first, in his sight, and talk to him the whole time. At his adjusted age his behavior is perfectly normal and, imo, responding to it helps a lot better than trying to change it.

Kelly - posted on 07/29/2012

Samantha, he doesn't miss anything and is always checking out his environment; he feels safest doing that from your lap. He is an extremely happy baby and content-from your lap. Guessing its his safety zone but he can't stay there forever (in a lap or someone's arms) so how can I start helping him to feel okay sitting alone (still in sight) without him actually having to have the touch?

Samantha - posted on 07/29/2012

yeah thats like my daughter too, they all have different personalities, some babies are happy playing by themselves on a playmat or swing, and other need to be walking around looking at new things, actually its probably a sign of intelligence that he needs a lot of stimulation

Kelly - posted on 07/28/2012

Here we go...I wasn't talking to you Miss Dove; I responded to your advice; I didn't agree about the spoiling bit (after a certain age) but you asked how premature was he, and I responded very premature and gave the circumstances behind his miraculous birth. If you are not judging-and your comment was not-then you read too much into the response that was not for you. I am quite aware of where I posted and am looking for good information; I totally agree he is a high needs baby and am not sure if its his nature or as a family we have made him that way. He is on target except for walking and crawling and though he experiences the normal anxiety when his mother leaves, that doesn't last. I am talking about even when his needs have been met, when he has been held, talked to, played with, for example, I sit him on his blanket in the kitchen with his toys while I cook and he doesn't want to stay down. He cries until he is picked up. He doen't like his bouncy chair-may be too stimulating, but even when he falls asleep-which he doesn't unless you hold him and kind of rock him, once you lay him down, he won't sleep more than 20 minutes unless you hold him, in which case he will sleep much longer.

Dove - posted on 07/28/2012

Excuse me? I was simply informing you that his behavior is NORMAL. If you don't find that helpful then that really isn't my problem. I had a child LIKE that. I also had two almost completely opposite of that.

You asked 'what should we do?' and I gave you my opinion on that. You are free to disagree, but I was TRYING to be helpful. I don't need to be 'scolded' like I'm a child. Don't want to hear opinions that you don't agree with.... don't post on a world wide website for advice....

Kelly - posted on 07/28/2012

As far as Cynthia and Dove, I agree to disagree on the issue of a baby being spoiled and there is no law that says they should not be. I don't know where you get the idea that I feel negative about him or his parents; I am not a babysitter; this is FAMILY so more than someone's baby that I am babysitting. If you feel that you would never leave your baby with someone who says they are spoiled, that is completely on you. However, to be honest, if you have a child that has particular needs outside the regular, its best to leave them with family who love them. I'm not being offensive, but you can get off the soap box and stop preaching. If you don't have any insight that is truly helpful, I'd rather you not respond. Judging others and making assumptions is so much easier than taking the time to give a response that is truly of help. But thanks for the judgment.

Kelly - posted on 07/28/2012

I think alot of it is routine and he doesn't have one. I have spoken to my brother and his wife but I admit, the entire family has had a hand in it, although most of the problem stems from home. He was really preemie; came very early, weighed just about three lbs; was born with no pulse and no heartbeat and was worked on for fifteen minutes to get him going. He is really our miracle baby and of course, he was in hospital sooo long and once he finally came home, no one wanted to put him down. Now he doesn't want to be put down, lol. He is developing well and sooo heavy now, and its impossible to always put things aside when they need to be done. He is here everyday just about as we help because of work schedules and school.

Sylvia - posted on 07/28/2012

What Dove said.

What's his adjusted age? If he was really premature it could be around 9-10 months, which is prime time for separation anxiety.

If you feel that negative about him and his parents you probably should just tell them you don't want to babysit anymore. I wouldn't ever have left my baby in the care of someone who thought she needed "unspoiling" just because she needed to be held more than they thought was appropriate :P

Christina - posted on 07/28/2012

Its not your job... and even if you got this baby to a routine at your house your just the baby sitter and it will all be undone talk to his parents about your concerns let them handle it, and if you dont like it then quit

Dove - posted on 07/27/2012

He sounds pretty normal to me....

How much of a preemie was he? What is his adjusted age?

My son (full term) was a lot like that as a baby/young toddler. I just held him when I could and did my best to reassure him when I couldn't.... and get back to holding him again.

Can you use a carrier of some type so that you can get stuff done and hold him at the same time? You could refuse to watch him if it's that stressful for you, but I don't really see anything out of the ordinary about his behavior and certainly wouldn't consider it spoiled. More likely just a high needs baby.

Amy - posted on 07/27/2012

You can't spoil a baby and at one year old he probably has separation anxiety. It's pretty common for all kids to go through it, some go through it quickly and others it lasts awhile. Since it sounds like you have no patience for him or the way he's being raised by his parents I would just let them know that you are unable to watch him.

Chaya - posted on 07/27/2012

I would just refuse to babysit until the parents resolve it. Not trying to keep you from seeing him, but if you just start refusing until they handle it, they will if they want daycare.