how to keep calm when...

Jodi - posted on 07/01/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

48

33

4

How do you keep calm and not loose your shit when your child refuses to listen, get angry and hits kicks punches swears at you. He is 6 years old and i have no idea how to get on top of the situation while staying calm and not emotionally loosing it, expecially when he is being violent towards me.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Julie - posted on 03/09/2013

492

54

53

I may not have a popular response but when children verbally and physically attack the parent, I think it's do to a power struggle. Struggle for the parent to have any power! Remaining "calm" can be interpreted by an aggressive child as passive. Passive behavior can lack authority. Aggressive children need loving authority to give respect and respect is what you ultimately want to teach your child to have. not only for you, and others, but respect for themselves. This is done best by set boundaries (lines they can not cross) as in swearing, talking back, lying, and physically attacking others. If they know the consequence (loss of what they value most) prior to the bad behavior accruing, the are able to make a personal choice to follow the rules (which is also rewarded with positive reinforcement and earned privileges). Last, and most important to make this work is consistency and follow through. You must keep your word and follow through, they will freak out in hopes you cave in and if it has been working for him in the past the game is on for who will " win the power struggle" ever time. It gets exhausting but after a few months you see less episodes. Be careful not to "feed into" the negative attention he is getting during the discipline time. For some kids, negative attention is better than no attention which with our busy lives, kids sometimes feel left out.

Monica - posted on 07/06/2009

27

6

6

What I did (and do) is when he would start hitting or kicking me or pulling on me or just intentionally trying to drive me crazy because he was mad at me, I'd tell him that I don't feel like i'm being treated very nice, please stop. When he didn't, I would get up and go lock myself in my bedroom. I have a TV, Books and cross-stitching in there to keep me occupied. I'd do this even if it meant turning off the stove/oven while cooking. When he would holler for me, I'd say "I'll be happy to open my door and come out when you are ready to be nice again." Now he didn't take this lying down, he'd hit and kick my door, he'd cry and scream his lungs out, etc. Luckily he has never broken anything. I just discovered that 1) I was not physically able to keep my son in his room and 2) trying to do so only enraged him more because he dosen't like feeling trapped. Now, I am hardly ever in there, and if I do go in there and he hears me lock the door, he knows I am not happy with him and his behavior and he fusses for just a few minutes and then tells me he is ready to behave.

Claire - posted on 07/01/2009

2

10

0

My son's almost 5 and has started doing this - I've found the best thing to do is not shout and scream (although we all slip up sometimes) and remove him from your area, I pick mine up although it's hard and put him in his room (there are no toys in there) and just leave him there if he comes out shouting and screaming I put him back in, no eye contact and no talking it takes a few episodes but they soon get the message - you should watch Super Nanny everything of hers i have tried has worked!!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

15 Comments

View replies by

Lindsey - posted on 03/09/2013

3

0

0

I really don't believe in playing mind games with a child. They're in the years of learning the world your brought them in you gotta show them authority. PERIOD. Save all your "mind games" and "reasoning" for your man.. lol

Lindsey - posted on 03/09/2013

3

0

0

Really? I would whoop his butt for ever disrespecting his mother. Show him who's boss. I would NEVER let MY child that I feed, clothe, bathe, protect, pray every moment for, put his little motly hands on me. Haha that's funny. You need to get his attention. Teach him FIRST that he can get beat up if he hits the wrong person in life. That's rule number ONE. After all, you don't want you're child to get demolished at school because he/she thinks she just put her hands on people. OR are you raising a bully?

Leasha - posted on 07/06/2009

7

9

0

he sounds like he is very angry inside. if you are calm with him all the time he will be calm back. try saying to him I know your angry but lets try using your words instead of hitting I got my 6 yr old a punching bag and everytime she started feeling angry inside I told her to go to her room and punch the bag until she started feeling better and then come out and talk to mommy. it really worked great we hardly have any anger issues anymore. goodluck they just need to be taught how to release there anger in a positive way and not be afraid to talk about there problems.

Jodie - posted on 07/06/2009

177

13

34

Quoting Claire:

My son's almost 5 and has started doing this - I've found the best thing to do is not shout and scream (although we all slip up sometimes) and remove him from your area, I pick mine up although it's hard and put him in his room (there are no toys in there) and just leave him there if he comes out shouting and screaming I put him back in, no eye contact and no talking it takes a few episodes but they soon get the message - you should watch Super Nanny everything of hers i have tried has worked!!



i totally agree i also try to deal with my children this way although it's hard to have time outs when you are doing school runs!! On these occasions i try to ignore the behaviour and deal with it when i get home!! Super nanny is the best some of her tatics really work!! I have also introduced a list of rules i.e. be kind to eachother, clean up after yourselves etc..... we read them first thing in the morning and if they are not followed toys or other privaledges are removed!! Hope this helps, good luck!!!!

Audrey - posted on 07/05/2009

42

9

8

I have mine go to her room. She cannot come out until she is done having her fit, because I am not going to listen to it. If she tears up her room while she's having her fit, she has a choice: she can clean it up or it can go in the trash. Every single time, without exception. It works. She only throws a fit like that maybe once every 2-3 months now. She doesn't like loosing her toys, or cleaning up the mess.

Aislynn - posted on 07/04/2009

50

15

3

I haven't had experience with this personally, however, my gf's son had many similiar outbursts. He had been kicked out of several daycares before even entering into kindergarten. She would remain calm, make eye contact and talk it out in a very firm tone. However, she was unable to find a solution to the outbursts on her own and actually had to get him counselling. From what I understand, the counselling has helped him immensely, as well as, they are getting closer to the root of the outbursts.. which, in his case, seems to actually be a chemical imbalance. Obviously, not the case for all kids, but that's how it was for hers'.

Holly - posted on 07/03/2009

327

34

32

Hello my name is HOLLY and i have 3 boys one is 9yr old , 6 yr old and 22 months old

well is what i do is i say ok shaun its time to cleen your room i m giving you 1/2 hour or a time you think is good depending on the room ,when the timer goes off i say ok here i come and i cleen it what ever is left on the floor i thow away like stupid mcdonalds toy ,ect or broken . During the day if i have to tell them to pick up there toys i put them in my special box and when they want them he or they have to pay me -.25 cents to 1.00 tp have toy back depening on toy !!!!When he hits you DO NOT HIT HIM BACK ,say you do not hit mom ,you hurt me and it makes me sad ,now looking in his face you tell him what you want him to do adn say ok now what did i say ?he repets to you waht you have said !or for bad words i use vinager yes vinager start with a new day and say ok we have a new rule if you say a bad word (swears)you het vinager in the mouth ,just pour some on the sopon and put on toung ,It helps to if you dont swear if you do may be start putting in $ .25 each time for each word !!! Also you can start doing a chart with him sun -sat what he needs to do with reminders for a while if he does them for chores and maybe for not saying bad words .......if a week went by take to park or have something special let him pick dinner or snack !in the grocery store i think you could have him help you find the stuff give hints ,what the item starts with or what color ....ect i love to help if you have any more questions please ask !

Rachelle - posted on 07/03/2009

11

7

1

Can you pick him up? If so find a time out spot. My 4 yr old daughter does the not listening and has picked up being a tattle tail. I put her in time out and sometimes I loose my cool. Sometimes its easier if I put myself in time out too if I've exploded, that way she knows its not nice.

Vicky - posted on 07/03/2009

97

16

22

Supernanny is great for ideas, my daughter is 8, others I have tried are removing toys, sitting them under the living room window facing it, putting them at the bottom of the stairs as I feel the bedroom needs to be a calm place not a discipline place, (and toys in there) every thing you do needs to be done in silence as this makes them more confused. If the violence continues I find that holding her very tight and not letting go, Straight jack style hold arms crossed round their chest and you safely behind. they eventually break down in tears and cry and it calms down very quickly. I hope some of these help if I think of anymore I will let you know Good luck and ignore him as much as possible during his sessions

Samantha - posted on 07/01/2009

2

8

1

I have been having a similar problem with my 4 almost 5 year old girl.... she won't listen, and I try my best to stay consistant with what I do, and reward her when she has been good all day, with little to no slips, cause no one is perfect, and then when she is bad, I don't give her any of her privaleges, like watching her movies, and just try to remember that even though the tantrum is going on, eventually it will stop, although my sanity suffers.... glad to know I am not the only one with a kiddo who is so stubborn though! Mine screams, and says no, and just goes all beserk!

Samantha - posted on 07/01/2009

2

8

1

I have been having a similar problem with my 4 almost 5 year old girl.... she won't listen, and I try my best to stay consistant with what I do, and reward her when she has been good all day, with little to no slips, cause no one is perfect, and then when she is bad, I don't give her any of her privaleges, like watching her movies, and just try to remember that even though the tantrum is going on, eventually it will stop, although my sanity suffers.... glad to know I am not the only one with a kiddo who is so stubborn though! Mine screams, and says no, and just goes all beserk!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms