How to maintain kid's friendships when the Moms are no longer friends?

Barbara - posted on 07/17/2009

Beth, It's been awhile, how have things been going?

Barbara - posted on 04/19/2009

Persistance pays off too. I finally just received a reply myself. Keep trying - with a little bit of patience in between - don't scare anyone off too much, but I wouldn't give up either. Keep remembering it's about the kids - it's not about you and it's not about the other mom. Don't feel bad about reminding her that too, just keep your words honest and simple.



I find that I obsess when not responded to - and that's about ME. So, find out what part of the issue is about you and try to let it go. Then, since no matter how hard we try not to make assumptions, we usually do to some extent - so, try to always assume the best in others too. If you can't help but wonder why they aren't responding, then assume the best of them - they are very busy, something has come up that they weren't expecting...etc. That's where the don't take it personally comes in - what ever is going on in their world - is about them - not you.



So easy to say - especially today since I've been answered for the good - but I do feel your pain. We have another family I sometimes get this way over when my husband and hers clash and "don't play well together" as boys. Then I start this issue all over again on that front. Take care & be well.



love & blessings,



Barb

Beth - posted on 04/19/2009

Barbara, You took so much time here and gave so much wonderful input. Thank you. I suppose there really is no good answer, only fact and sometimes those facts are hard to swallow.

I am not perfect, but I always try my best. I like the four agreements. They make sense. Absolutely tough to live by as a strict diet, but to keep them in my heart and mind will serve me well I believe.

Thank you!
Beth

Barbara - posted on 04/19/2009

I've been doing a lot of reading lately (last few years) into different methods of possitive thinking and came accross a great book called The Four Agreements. Now, before anyone gets weirded out - I am a Christian, but I am always curious about how other religions blend or work within Christianity.



Ok, it seems I'm digressing, but here's the point. The four agreements are these: 1)Always do your best (and realize that your best can change from day to day: example if you are sick you won't get as much done as when you are well) 2) Be impeccable with your word - meaning don't "sin" against yourself by saying anything you don't want to say etc. 3) Don't make assumptions and 4) Don't take anything personally.



So, that said - it's very hard to live by, but I do agree that I shouldn't take anything she is or isn't doing personally or make assumptions as to why she isn't returning calls.



Again, this is difficult and heartbreaking because it's about my kid not about me or her - and, in the effort to "not make assumptions" I try to call to make sure people are ok, if they could use some help with anything etc. and when you get nothing back I guess you just have to move on - at least for a while. I'll have to have my daughter have some others over for a while and just let it roll off. Someone will call me eventually - or not. I don't know. But I feel very obsessive compulsive over it all and that makes me feel very bad about me. So, maybe this thread will help you to move on too and just focus on your relationship with your daughter too. Maybe calling after the weekend wasn't a lie - it's just that we all get caught up in "our own stuff" and forget.



I keep telling my 6 year old (who is in the phase of "you don't love me because you always are telling me to do things I don't want to do) that if I didn't love her, I'd ignore her, not tell her things. So, here we are in that dilema ourselves and yes, it does hurt. Sorry, I don't seem to have very good answers for you - just more questions.

Beth - posted on 04/19/2009

Barbara, That is exactly where I am at!!! One Mom made some very abrasive comments and I am suppose to suck it up so I did for the sake of the kids and she's acting as though I said the comments. I saw her, and talked to her, face to face, and she said she was glad we talked and would like to get this resolved. She'll call me after the weekend. Well, that was a lie. And the other friend, sadly my kid is in the same class as her daughter and I can see their house from mine. I still don't fully grasp what I did to be completely shunned by her and when my kids call for a playdate she ignores us. It is heartbreaking!

Barbara - posted on 04/18/2009

Okay, so what happens when you are fine with the other mom and your kids are like - best friends in school and the other mom won't even return your calls, emails etc. They've had the playdates, they've even had an overnighter here and now I cannot get her to even acknowledge our exhistance. I can deal if she thinks I'm not worth it - but it's killing me that my daughter's missing her friend and wants her to come over again.

Wendy - posted on 04/16/2009

I had a similiar situation, but fortunatley the child did not attend the same school that made it easier. I think it would be fine for you to offer the olive branch and ask for a play date for the children. You could email her and explain how you feel and you only want to continue the friendship for the children, ect........if it doesn't work out, then you could at least tell your children YOU tried.

Heather - posted on 04/16/2009

I have been in similar situations and observed similar too. It's worth having a word with the Mom in question and say that your child is missing their child's company and could you arrange a playdate, or just simply arrange a playdate for that child at your home. If the other child's Mom isn't receptive, at least you tried! I hope it works out.