I hate you!!!

Susan - posted on 03/24/2009

My kids are 19, 9 and 6 and with research and experience (trying most everything listed here!) I would most closely agree with Amanda P.  Don't let them distract you from the current situation and their consequences or see it upsets you.  After their consequences are over, we simply calmly remind them that it is unacceptable to say such things to anyone, especially their parents.  By then they have usually calmed down as well, are actually in a state to hear and understand and are sorry for their actions.

I would also like to say that I applaud all those mean slave drivers out their for striving to raise their children with a sense of responsibility and the value of work!!!  Congrats!  ;-)

Rachel - posted on 03/24/2009

My son used to do this all the time and I remember being so disturbed by his saying that I hated him. His hating never really bothered me. I would calmly reply by saying "I understand you are saying that because you are angry. Being angry does not mean it is okay to be mean, I love you" while escorting him to his room. Good luck!

Christine - posted on 03/24/2009

I simply tell my daughter that the word "hate" is unacceptable in our home. It's a "bad word" to us. Just as I would not allow my daughter to use the "f" word, the word "hate" is not allowed. Also the word "can't"- I find this actually helps my daughter find more constructive ways of displaying emotion. She still yells at me sometimes, and behaves as though the world is going to end because she has chores, but at least she can constructively say, "I don't LIKE doing chores because..." and not just tell me she hates me- although she DID call me EVIL the other day... *sigh*... what's funny about it, is that I remember saying all of the same things to my parents growing up, and a few chores certainly didn't do me any harm!!

Kelly - posted on 03/23/2009

I have the same problem with my seven year old. Or the other "I'm going to move away, I don't want to live here anymore" I continue to tell him that I love him and it hurts my feelings when he says things like that. After he settles down he does seem to really feel bad about hurting my feelings. I think that it's just a stage kids go through.

Amanda - posted on 03/22/2009

Ignore the comment, identify the feeling and refocus on the real issue. "You sound upset that you got in trouble, but (insert behavior he is in trouble for here) is not okay." Then institute whatever the appropriate consequence would be without ever addressing the comments about hating. The more attention he gets for it, the more he will do it.



I would guess that he is either trying to derail you with the "hate" comments or is really upset at getting into trouble. It is not a reflection of how he really feels about you.

Paige - posted on 03/21/2009

I have 2 six year olds in my house. One of the biggest challenges over the past 8 months is the older out of them is my Husbands daughter. Him and I met at our daughters' Preschool fund-raiser. We were both divorced and both had a lot in common. Including ages in kids. Ha! Since we now have a blended family we have had to change and mold things to fit a new, yet much more rewarding life-style for everyone. When he and I first got together it was very hard on Kayle, his daughter, but being very supportive and understanding and patient were the keys, and still are.
When she would have an outburst about me or about something Drew would back me on it always ended up being a struggle and her thinking I didn't like her and or her hating me. Then my daughter wanted to join in on the fun. (i.e. because Kay was getting attention from both of us when she did it.) We did some research and talked to alot of people. I don't think the being a Smart-a** works too well. Don't discount them in any way. Why they are doing it is to test the control situation and environment they are in. Where they fit in. I have found that ignoring that completely works well until you both can talk about it if they're old enough. Don't look up, don't respond. I am also in an Anger management class and part of it is taking "time outs" for even me when I feel like I'm just too mad about something. So I let her and Bailey (my daughter) know when I am displeased with their actions or attitudes by taking a "time out". I do like the "I'm sorry you feel that way." comment but I would also add to it, "You must be really mad (i.e. upset, angry, sad, whatever) You have to respect them and their own little feelings. No matter how silly you or I think they are, to them they are legit and justified. After they have calmed down I have found you can talk to them about what made them so mad and you can also let them know that there are other ways to get what they want or the reactions they want.

Christian - posted on 03/21/2009

Don't show him you are fazed. He wants to shock you. (it's a verbal tantrum) The suggestion say I love you too back is a good one. One I have used is That's ok, I love you anyway. (to I hate you), or I'm sorry you think that b/c it's not true (to You hate me). For the last one you have to say it with the emotion you would say the sky is blue, it just is, no emotion. All 3 of mine have hated me in fazes. Ah the joys of motherhood :) . BTW, I am also apparently running a sweat shop here too. Poor kids ;) .

Amanda - posted on 03/21/2009

My 5 year old does this as well. It also happens when he gets in trouble. My son even says he wants new parents. After the timeout is over we always explain that we love him and that's why we discipline him.

This works for us. Good Luck!

Morag - posted on 03/21/2009

He doesn't mean it, he knows it hurts you and you've just got to act like you don't care. You know and he knows its not true. When my eldest says it to me and she says it on a regular occasion. I always say "Don't be silly you know thats not true." or I say "Aww thank you honey, I love you too!" which always annoys them, but its only to hurt you so don't let them hurt you :)



I doesn't get much better though, they don't say it so often. Although the new one is that I treat her worse than a slave because I make her take the dishes to the kitchen and tidy her room once a week... lol...oh dear the unfairness of it all, when some kids the world over work in sweatshops.