I want to leave my husband & children

Tracey - posted on 11/29/2010 ( 93 moms have responded )

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I've been married to my husband for 14 years & we have two children, a son of 12 & a daughter of 8. I haven't really loved my husband for the past 2 years but have stayed with him for the sake of the children. I'm now at the stage where I cannot carry on any more. He does very little round the house & the children have started behaving in the same way, & never listen to anything I say to them. I have family who live near London & I could happily pack my back & leave them all behind & move down with my family. I still love my kids but really don't think I was cut out to be a Mum. Does it make me a bad person if I leave them with their Dad & move on with my life?

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Jenene - posted on 12/15/2010

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WELL LISTEN IT DON'T MAKE U A BAD MOM BUT I DONT THINK IT'S BEST FOR U TO LEAVE THE KIDS U HAD THEM AND WHIP THEIR ASS SOME TIMES KIDS NEED IT SOME MAY SAY DON'T BUT IT HELPS SOMETIMES YOUR BABY DADDY LEAVE HIS BUM ASS.BUT LEAVING UR KIDS U WILL NEVER FEEL THE SAME AND IF U MEET SOMEONE NEW AND HE ASK IF U GOT KIDS CAN U REALLY SAY NO AND WHAT IF HE WANT KIDS R U GOING TO DO THE SAME TO HIM.

Tina - posted on 12/13/2010

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Somehow I don't think that leaving your family will solve your problems, or make you feel like a worthy person. I hope that you are able to make some changes so that you will be able to live a more positive life with your family. We have been through a very hard time as well, and I was able to change my thinking through prayer which enabled us to stay together because my outlook changed and had a positive affect on our family. I encourage you to not try and just stick it out, but to find a solution to your unhappiness so that you won't regret leaving your family for the rest of your life. Have you tried looking for one good quality in each of your family members and holding on to that? Eventually, you will see other good qualities which will change your outlook, and it will improve their behavior I guarantee it. I wish you much luck and success! You deserve the best!

Heather - posted on 12/12/2010

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Have you been and seen your local doctor? Perhaps she/he can recommend a family councillor. From your description above the problem seems to be with family communication and co-operation. Sometimes it takes a non-related third party to look objectively at the situation and suggest ways around things. If the suggestion that you require more assistance around the house and that you all need to respect each other more comes from someone else, it could make things better. I wish you well

Mindy - posted on 12/12/2010

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When you become a parent that child is a living breathing part of you and unless you want to leave for fear of harming them then there is no excuses to ever abandon a child, especially your child, your children! You sound like you might be going through some sort of depression and you need to explore every avalliable avenue for help. As far as your husband I don't know what's going on with you two but you owe it to yourself and your kids to atleast try couseling or something. I hope you do realize that marriage is suppose to be for better for worse and every day life will try to get the best of you. Just remember the old saying about the grass is'nt always greener on the other side and make your decisions' carefully cause they will effect other peoples' lives. I also want to say that I've read in several other posts' that love is not a feeling, I disagree with that. I've been with my husband for almost 20 years and even through the hard times I have never once not melted in his arms when he holds me! I wish you the very best and God Bless!

Chioma - posted on 12/11/2010

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I think u should take a break and get counselling. I am a xtian and want to let you know dat the next man u meet has his own problems.I would suggest u access the things u loved about ure husband when u met him and focus on those things and reminisce on them. Remember when u met him and those good times u had and pray about ure marriage. Also consider speaking to ure husband about ure feelings As for the children put your foot down and tell them how u feel. Make a list of chores and insist they do them, children need boundaries and set these boundaries with ure husband.

Andi - posted on 12/10/2010

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you have a responsibility to those kids. you took your vows, leave your husband but NEVER-EVER leave your children. Take a vacation, take a break, but never leave - if you do and then come to your senses a few years later, your kids will NEVER forgive you. Please reach out to a certified counselor for assistance before making a crazy decision, such as this.

Milla - posted on 12/10/2010

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Waling out on your family is the easiest thing to do, but is it the BEST?

What will you get out of walking out and giving up on them?......

With some hard work, sacrifice, sowing good seed into them, your reward could be GREAT!

Children are your and your husbands responsibility!!! Therefore you must stick it out! Who ever told you life, marriage, children, relationships are easy, they lied!

If you ask the people who lived a long full life, they will be the first to tell you the only reason they made it is because of sacrifice, and forgiveness, because they continued to believe in each other and in their children when situations said the opposite.

My late grandparents celebrated their golden wedding, and before my grandma past away I asked her, what is her secret, and she said,
-give your husband respect
-forgive
-look for the good in your spouse
-do sacrifice for your spouse and children
-and this will be your reward

My grandparents lived long and happy lives! I trust that one day, when we are celebrating our golden wedding we will be able to say the same! We would have set a standard for our children and their children to follow!

Winners never quit! and Quitters never Win! The choice is up to you!
-forgive and go on

Milla - posted on 12/10/2010

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Hey Tracey first of all I'd like to tell you that you are not alone! Even the best of marriages have had their rough and rocky times, times when it would have been easier to split then to stay together. There is hope for your marriage and for your wonderful children, although they may not seem wonderful at this time =), but take heart with dillingence, perseverance, by sticking it out with your family you can help change the situation around, and be rewarded with the love of your husband and children.

Prudence has already mentioned that LOVE is not a feeling-it is a choice!!! And I storongly agree with that, because this is something that we went through a few years ago. When we married I fell in love with my hubby, and I breathed him(literally), I was infatuate with him. This feeling we call love in the begining when we are infatuated with the one we love is not what LOVE is, or it is not all that LOVE is!!! Couple years after we married, because my husband would say hurtful things to me sometimes, came a time when I felt empty, I wasnt feeling that infatuation anymore, I'd find myself looking at him and telling myself "this is my husband, the man I married for life", "I feel like I don't even know him".

Right about that time he said to me that he never loved me, and again he was talking about the "feeling" which is not LOVE it is infatuation. That feeling he had with a previous girl friend for example, who cheated on him and left him heartbroken.

Thank God, He has been watching over us and our marriage. Our life, just like yours and your childrens does matter to God, but unless you invite Him in, ask for His advice, for strength HE wont force Himself on you! God was watching over us, because we had invited Him in years before that when we gave our heart to Him, and then when we made that promise to each other before GOD and our friends and family!

At this time, I believe that it was God ordained we went to a family seminar for a weekend, and there we received so much insight, the best thing we learned there which helped us to straighten ourselves and our relationship is "Love is not a feeling-it is a choice!" I cannot tell you what a relief it was for me to hear that! It was just what I needed at that time! We were introduced to a book "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, he is a christian, a psychologist with many years experience, has counseled thouseand of couples and helped to save thousands of mariages!

Through this book we also learned about the five love languages, and that each one of us speaks a different language, in order to understand each other, the complains we make, what is most important to me or my spouse it is imperative to learn each others languages. We got this book, started to read it, found out what our languages are and now started talking to each other in the language that the other understands, and it made such a great difference in our lives!!!

The five languages are, Physical touch, Words of Afirmation, Spending Quality time, Presents/Gifts, and Acts of Service. From reading your complaint about your husband not wanting to do anything around the house, tells me that Acts of Service is either the primary or one of your love languages. Which says, if you love me, do something for me, help me where i need it! And I could totally relate to that one, because that is my main love language =)

Listening to your husbands and your own complaints will help you to figure out each others love language. And believe me this will help for you to see your spouse in a whole new light.

Dr. Chapman has a website where you can take an assessment test and get more info on this subject:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ , also you can find him on facebook by His name Gary Chapman.

Gary D. Chapman and Ross Campbell ( childrens psychologist) together wrote the book - "The Five Love Languages of Children", they give you information on childrens development, how to find their love language, and how to build a great relationship with them.

The reason i believe in the 5 love languages so strongly is that it has helped me and my husband to turn things around in our relationship, to build us up, by applying this practical knowledge in communicating with your spouse in the language they understand. And also we are using the learned info to build relationships with our children. We have been married for 10 years this coming March 2011, have 2 children, Angelina 7 yrs, Nicholas 4, and expecting in the next few weeks another Boy-Marsel.

And of course the first and biggest source of the strength and success of our family has been, is, and will continue to be is our relationship with Jesus Christ -God's Son! If not for the Hope that we have received in Him, our marriage could have crumbled and been just like all the other marriages in the world, but God promised us through His word that if we would follow His commands, His laws, we will prosper in spirit, soul and body. Meaning that mentally He will make us whole and strong. Our Body will be in good health. Our marriage will prosper. Our children will be a blessing to us and others! Our finances will prosper! If we live by Gods word, the way He intended from the beginning of the universe before sin entered the world, is for us to be prosperous in everything.


Couple more thoughts I would like to leave with you:
God did not make you to be a quitter!
Children are a gift , a blessing from God! (look at all the people out there who cannot have children, they will never experience what it feels like to carry a miracle inside of them).
Love is not a feeling-Love is a choice!
If you walk out now, you will never know what your family could have become!
Love is sacrificial, sacrifice yourself for the good of your husband, and your children, and dont think this is a one way road. Your reward will be, the love of your husband towards you, and the respect of your children!
Your job now is not to give up, but to stick it out!
Only the winners reap the rewards!
When the going gets tough, The tough get going!
Where is that tough woman inside of you!
Seek God, and he will change You, then through you He will change your family!

This may not be as fast as you would like it to be, but it is a sure thing! Because we live in a microwave society, give it to me now!...mentallity it makes it hard for us to input ourselves into somethng that is long term!

But like my mother told me, anything that you get quick and not pay a prise for, you loose quick, and anything that it takes you time, sweat, that you put yourself into, you will cherish!

I know I have written you a lot, it's a lot to think about, I will pray for you:
Dear God, I pray that you bless Tracey and her family, that you renew her strength, renew her mind, touch her now Lord, that she may come to know You as her personal Lord and Saviour, that she would commit her life, herself to You. I pray that she would find the comfort, and the strength she needs now in YOU. I pray that You give her wisdom how to go about her life, especially in relationships with her family right now! I pray that you keep this family in your care, put people in their path that will send beside them and help them to go through this, and come out victorious! I pray Lord that You will give Tracey favor with her husband and children, and guide them into reconciliation, in Jesus name I pray.Amen!

I would suggest to you to find a bible believing church, get yourself and family plugged in, speak to the pastors or leaders about getting some counseling, also do get those books i seggested to you which will give you practical info that you can start applying today in your relationships to strenghthen them or build them if there are none.

Will be praying for you and your family, and Look forward to hearing good reports from you!

ANGIE - posted on 12/09/2010

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honestly i don't think a mother should ever leave her kids, they probably know or feel that you are not there for them so they react in this form, i think you can leave your husband and keep the kids and talk to them, show them you really love them and that now you are taking control and that your life is going to get better, im sure they will come around and start respecting you, you are the mom and your in control! and having jesus in your heart take a big roll in your life! and peace, im speaking from experience and i think you can do it. you are worth more then you think and it starts in your home were you'r in control. don't let your children see you are weak because they will step all over you. i come from foster homes and iv never had that parent love. but i give my children all the love that i can and i think i am a great mom! because my kids tell me so, i have a teen thats 16 and three little girls, 6 year, 5 year and a baby of 9 monthes, its very hard, but honestly i have jesus in my heart we go to church together and it gives me alot of peace, i try not to complain but make it better, now im in control of my home and let me tell you, it's in control, i hope this helps tracey, but remember love you'r self first and the rest will fall in it place. good luck(god love's you)

Hayley - posted on 12/09/2010

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one more thing....If you choose to have children then it is your duty to be a mother to them whether you like it or not. I'm telling you from experience that if you abandon your kids now to move on with your life they will grow up and hate you for it!

I have never forgiven my parents :(

Hayley - posted on 12/09/2010

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If you're not happy with your husband then separate! All that negative feeling between you will rub off on the kids. Then you can concentrate on sorting everything else out. There is nothing bloody worse than having to live with parents that are only together for the sake of the kids. They think they're doing the right thing but what they are oblivious to is the fact that kids are not stupid and do pick up on things. And for me when I was younger, that made me bloody miserable.

Suzie - posted on 12/09/2010

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Take a break but let the children know it is a break for you. A couple of yrs. ago my husband and I took a break but he left us because he need it the break not I. I had the kids, I wouldn't let him take either on of the boys out of state. They were 4 and 12. It was hard on both the boys. I worked full time and a part time job. I still manage a home life for my boys. Both jobs I could take my children with. That helped. My boys and I got closer. My husband came back after 3 mths. I set down some ground rules to come back. Main thing, we are a family and we do this together not apart or half hearted. Be patient and things will work out. Be strong. God bless.

Tiffany - posted on 12/09/2010

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obviously u recognize that leavig your children and your husband is wrong, so that's why u feel guilty. U r a parent. Its your responsibility to parent your children, and to never give up. Just bc your kids don't listen to u, that doesn't mean they don't deserve a mother. U should be ashamed of yourself for wanting to give up. U need to put more energy into working on being a better and more loving wife, and a more assertive mother, and less time thinking of ways on how to get out of your responsibility. And you can't say 12 years later, that your not fit to be a mother. Oh well. U made that decision 12 years ago. And u can't just quit on your kids. It would be devestating for them. Ure going to fuck them up. And give them mommy issues for the rest of their life! U need to make your relationship work with your husband, and if u can't. Fine. Move out, but take your kids with u!

Jane - posted on 12/09/2010

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you cannot leave your husband now. He needs you now more than you think. look for something in you that you might change inorder to fit in with them. seek some counseling and remember that if you were not meant to be a Mum, the children would have not come in the first place. Cheer up and Mummy your children!

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Tracey, you need to find what is missing in your life. What is your passion? What is it that you really want to do for yourself that involves no-one else? Take a break from your kids and your husband. Go away and find your passion. Find out what is missing!!! And get into nature for this is where you will find all your inspirations and answers. Nature is the greatest teacher of all. There is no such thing as responsibility (I know this is a huge statement to make) because if there were, then we would all be "response-able" and I don't know of anyone on this planet who truly is. So enough of the shame, blame and judgement from others and to yourself. End the confusion now. Get on with your life and fulfil all of your talents, skills and abilities. And when you get back, seek me out because I have more to share with you.

Angel - posted on 12/07/2010

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Are you kidding me? I could really go off on you but instead I'm going to give you some really good free advice!! Your children are a part of your heart! Do what ever it takes to be happy with being a mom! Your kids deserve that! Don't be a dead beat mom!! Everything in life takes work. I could care less about the lazy hubby! Your children are what matters most! There are so many resources available in your community. You need to reach out and take full advantage of them before you do anything. Make it happen! You can do it!

Prudence - posted on 12/07/2010

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You may not agree with me and thats fine, but Love is not a feeling.... its a choice. Anyone who says that they dont love ...anymore has chosen not to... I get that he doesnt do stuff around the house but i dont think thats the best excuse to leave. I agree with taking a break...that is always a good idea. As for "not being cut out to be a mum'...sorry but that decision should have been made before you had kids. I feel quite strongly about family and sicking together. I have had two foster girls for over 3 1/2 years, we now only have one girl with us.... she is 12 years old, her mother chose not to look after her and her siblings, and decided she couldn't hack it... my foster daughter doesn't want to visit, talk to or see her mum. Personally i think a break, a talk with a professional and a chat with God would be a great idea. Its not the end.....

Jennifer - posted on 12/07/2010

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Sorry... "No returns" when you have children. Leave your husband, if you have to, but to abandon your children, yeah, I think there's something wrong with that. It's your children that will suffer in the end. They need a mom.

Keneesha - posted on 12/07/2010

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Tracey. It is very understandable the way you feel. Sometimes I think about just leaving everything and everyone and starting over, so you'll get no judgments from me. I don't think leaving our family behind would be more bad than it would be selfish though. When I have those thoughts I think about my son's future and how I refuse to not take part in the shaping of his character. My spirituality helps put me back in place as well. I don't want to tell you to leave anyone, but there is no peace and happiness where chaos lives, and we all deserve both. So if you're a spiritual person you really should pray for help and answers first, then if you haven't already, talk to your husband and kids about the household situation and perhaps some counseling options to see if there is an opportunity for mending. I think mostly everyone in the house needs a good verbal release because I can attest that things held inside do not manifest well on the outside. If you have tried all things humanly possible and you need to leave your husband, don't leave your kids as well. You might find a change in environment is just as good for their attitude as it is for yours. Despite what you think, while they're young you still have a chance to turn them around opposed to begging and pleading for them to forgive you for leaving them when they're older.

Amber - posted on 12/07/2010

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Tracey,
I understand the husband thing and parenting is not easy. However I do not believe running from them is not the answer! Maybe a separation from your husband and counseling for the family would be a good place to start. God gave you those children for a reason and leaving them behind is not his plan. Everyday is very trying in this world and you need to rely on GOD! So I would suggest alot of prayer, some time away from your husband, and counseling for the whole family. Never give up on your children because they need you regardless of how they act. Maybe they sense the tension in your home and are having a hard time dealing with it as well. We never move on without our children!

Nancy - posted on 12/07/2010

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Dear Tracey, the first step to solving a problem is to admit that there is a problem. So as difficult as it may be, you are moving in the right direction. I think every wife and Mother has felt the same way at some point. The way your children are behaving is normal. Remember that they are trying to become independent. My husband is the same way, but a close relative pointed out something I hadn't considered. It is not that he does not want to clean, he does not know how to clean. So I have taken on the daunting task of "training" him. Instead of saying "Help me clean." I will ask him to do a specific chore and ask him when he thinks he will be done. It is working very well!

Take some time for you, even if it is only 1 hour a week, and make sure you encourage your husband to take the same amount of time. Sometimes small amounts of time can make a world of difference.

Johanna - posted on 12/06/2010

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Food for thought...psychotherapy,drug therapy and exercise are the best way for a full recovery of depression.A medical doctor cannot monitor the drugs as well as a psychiatrist. If you were to have a side effect you have the possibility of reacting on the upward swing when your feeling better.Just saying

Johanna - posted on 12/06/2010

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take the kids with you regardless.You have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and take control,what they see is learned behavior ( meaning the husbands actions& your reactions) Take them out of the situation with you and set them straight with these are the rules and this is what I am doing.If they decide to be hard to handle then put them in counseling with a family therapist. DO Not leave your children or you could jeopardize losing them permanently in a divorce. You are not a bad person just seem like you have been stomped on by your family. Don't let this depressed state cause you to let it all go. You can do this! use this forum for support that is what it is here for. If your family can make changes then try counseling prior to leaving .Otherwise you deserve to live a happy non - dysthymic life.( Eeyore was dysthymic)

Lucinda - posted on 12/06/2010

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I would have to agree with Rocio. My children our my life I wouldn't ever leave them behind. If they don't listen it is your job as a mother to step up and tell them how it is going to be. I have two sons who are 11 and 8 if they don't listen they know Mom will take action to fix the problem. But you do need to talk to your husband about the problem how can he fix it if you don't tell him what is going on. As one man said to me "I'm not a mind reader" and thank God they aren't.

Rabab - posted on 12/05/2010

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wow...I don't know about that i know life gets rough but you need to give it some real thought.

Kay - posted on 12/04/2010

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Please take a vacation, but don't tell them you want to leave them. It would be too hurtful for the kids. I think I would tell my doctor and get evaluated for depression. It is a real illness and it makes life so hard.

Ambrosia - posted on 12/04/2010

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I believe that everyone wabts to leave at some point in time but to actually do it is a whole other thing. Maybe you can leave your husband but not your childen. I mean how would you feel for your mom to up and leave on you that is a har thing for any child to have to go through. An do you ever want your children to think that you did not love them or anything like that. Those are all questions that you have to consider. Good Luck in what ever decision you make

Lisa - posted on 12/04/2010

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My husbands mom left when he was just a boy. She left and ran away with another married man. She took with her, his brother and his sister. My husband had a really rough childhood living with his grandparents, because his dad turned to alcohol when his mom left. I would recommend you really thinking this through, because it's not just about YOU,,,you made the choice to have children,,they are your responsibility...like it or not. Every choice you make, will affect them somehow.

Ruchi - posted on 12/04/2010

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Dear Tracey,
I am sorry you feel that way. But I will be quite blunt. You had children and you are responsible for them. Just think about the pain and rejection they might feel once you abandon them.
If the children dont listen to you they probably get some vibe from you or may be its your attitude or behaviour around them. They probably sense that you feel trapped in your current life and would swap it if you get the chance.
They are old enough to understand what you feel. You need to reassess the situation, its only a few years before they move on to college. You have stayed with them for so long can you give them a little more time to mature and understand.
I understand you dont feel Mommy like but how about being their guide and a friend. that should work.
I had a friend who was in a similar situation. Both the husband and wife waited till their child moved on to college and then separated. The child feels very assured that her parents sarificed their freedom for her when they could have had a different life very early on.
You also need to talk to your husband. I dont know how is your equation with him but he needs to understand for his children.

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Do u intend on never seeing your kids again or just on weekends? I ask because I left my verbally abusive husband and the only way he would let me go was if I left our daughter (than 3 years old). Now while she did live with him I saw her 3-4 days a week and got my life straightened out and my husband went through counseling and straightened himself out and well 3 months later we ended up back together and here it is 6 years later and we r all doing great. Hubby and I just celebrated out 10yr Anniversary last month. So let me suggest take a "vacation" from your family don't completely dump them once u r away from them u will start to feel "normal" and miss them. I do ask a favor as a person who grew up with parents that should have divorced 10 years before they did. Don't stay with your spouse "for the kids" it makes the kids more screwed up and kids r smarter than we give them credit for they know when things r just wrong and shouldn't be.When I was 8 I would pray at night for my parents to get a divorce. Good Luck in what ever U decide to do.



P.S. I have written this without reading everyone else's response so if I repeat what was said I am sorry.

Angie - posted on 12/02/2010

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Put an end to the way you have allowed your family to treat you. Sit down, as a FAMILY, and lay some ground rules. Don't drop this guilt on a 12 year old child. If you leave, this poor child will think it's because he didn't help enough around the house and that's just cruel. You are, and have been, letting your family take advantage of you, stop doing that. We all have days when we feel overwhelmed by our lives. I have been married for 21 years and have been blessed with 3 children (17,12,10). Don't think there haven't been days that I didn't think my life would be easier if I left. Then I realize that I love my family, unconditionally, and I put on my "big girl panties" and move on. Give yourself a day to totally rest and rejuvinate and then have the discussion that you need to have with your family. You can do it! Just make sure that if you choose to leave, the children are aware that it is because you want to leave, not because they didn't do enough to keep you. Good luck.

Tarina - posted on 12/02/2010

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Remember to ask your husband for his feelings too. If he refuses to give you physical space, there must be a reason. Perhaps he doesnt understand what it is that is causing you so much grief, or more likely, what he can do to help at this stage. If he thinks it is a lost cause, if he believes as you say, that you dont love him anymore, he is very unlikely to try to stop you from leaving. Decide if you want to make the marriage work or if you are checked out for good. You need to be able to honestly tell him you want to stay married for him to try to change for you. Do you know WHY you dont love him anymore? I know its been a long time building to this point, and I am by no means saying pretend anymore... just be honest with yourself. If he were to clean up more, or change in the ways you are asking... would you feel love for him again? And be sure to let him express himself too. He could possibly be feeling the same way, thinking that you arent doing things you used to, or that you should be doing some things you arent, and why should he make an effort if you wont. My husband and I went through something similar, we each thought what we wanted was common sense, not a big deal... why couldnt he/i just figure it out?! But its not that easy. Saying "clean up more" is really so vague... what is he not cleaning? My husband needed to learn to put his laundry in a basket, because I was SO tired of picking up after him even more than after our 4 children. But when I said cleaning to him, he thought I meant dishes, or fixing the house... Men speak a whole nother language, and I have found we need to be WAY more specific. And also, at times, that we need to seriously relax our expectations. Is it worth being SO angry that he leaves his dishes out after dinner? Does it really hurt me in any way to take that one extra bowl to the kitchen and wash it, too? Feeling unappreciated is a terrible thing. Especially when it seems the kids are picking up the habits. They are still young enough to be taught, though. 12 and 8 are a great age to start teaching things like how to do Laundry. If they arent grateful when you do it, make them. It will only take one comment from their friends on how gross they smell in their dirty clothes before they wise up. Every mom questions wether they are cut out for it or not, especially when it seems like nothing they say or do makes any difference to those around them... But it does. They may not listen to you or respect your discipline, but when something is wrong, do they still come to mom for comfort or guidance? Each parent offers something different and its not always what WE think it is, but they need it just as much. Your kids love you, no matter how they act. They are just at an age where showing it is weakness. They test their limits, they push your buttons, and they will seem like a lost cause. But they arent. Just keep loving them, and do what you need to do. Just be sure you KNOW what that is before you get started down the road of separating from your family. After you and your husband see what happens from these talks, sit the kids down and let them know what you have decided. I am sure they have felt the tension, heard the arguments.. and I am sure they have something they would like to say about it given the chance. Let them :) Dont let it make your decision for you, but hear them out. Consider their thoughts and feelings as THEY give them to you, not just what you think they feel or want. We as parents always seem to forget what it was like when we were kids and our parents never listened to us. Good luck, Tracey. Youve got people rooting for you!

Tracey - posted on 12/02/2010

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Thanks everyone. Of course I have considered taking the children with me but the relative who can put me up only has one spare bedroom. I have also asked my husband to move out for a period of time until we see if things can be worked out but he refuses flatly. I've spoken to my son who's 12 about the situation & although he says he understands how I feel he doesn't want me to go & has asked if I couldn't get somewhere near here. The trouble is I only work part time, so I can look after the kids, & can't afford a place of my own. I have managed to speak to my husband a bit over the past few days & tell him how I feel so we will just have to see what happens. Unfortunately I am waiting surgery on my shoulder & cannot move away (even temporarily) at the moment so I will have to put up with it for a little longer & maybe he will see me for who I am & not his slave. He has also agreed to discipline the kids a bit more which should ease some of the problems. Once again thanks for all the advise & I'll keep you updated. x

Karen - posted on 12/01/2010

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My mom left me when I was 5 with just a quick goodbye and an "I might be back to get you later on. I'm not sure". she ran 500 miles up norh to her family. She left me with my alcoholic Dad and older brother. she was feeling about the same way as you. I was well taken care of by my dad and grandma but they wanted me to be mad at my mom and tried to brainwash me. telling me that she didn't love me because she just up and left like that. Of course I stuck by my mom. I didn't let what they were telling me to get to me. They hid all the things she sent for me. Thinking I'd get mad at her for not sending me birthday cards and stuff. When she called they wouldn't tell me and they wouldn't let me talk to her. My 14 yr. old brother got tired of all the attempted brainwashing and ran 500 miles away in the other direction. We were very close. So it was kind of traumatic for me to have my family splitting up so much. I cried a lot and felt like I had no one to talk to. She eventually got back with my dad and she came to pick us up. that's when I got all her mail and things were ok. I had to live a life full of violent fights and luckily somehow I was strong enough for it to not affect me too much. (My parents were a little different. They loved each other but were too immature to know how to settle conflict and to communicate. Plus alcholism is a disease that brings a lot of depression and stress along with it) They were married for 45yrs. until my dad passed away last year. I'm 26 yrs. old . I forgave her but I'm not as close to her as I was before this. I'm trying hard to rekindle that and so is she. She is trying to explain all the why's. I understand but it's still hard to feel as close to her as I was to my Dad. Don't leave your kids for too long. They may be going through their usual pre-teen stages in life but they love you. I know when I hit that age I think I was taking it out on my mom by not listneing to her and not taking to her disipline. I think that was my way of getting back at her sort of. I feel bad about it now. But all kids around that age try your pacience. Mine are doing the same and my husband and i are both very happy together. They see you stressed and they work on that. They need you though and 1 on 1 time with you. But take that break first. Maybe with your family. An unhappy mom makes an unhappy home. You need to reboot and think hard about it. You two may just need to communicate. Not talk, really communicate. It may boost his abilities if you take your break and you both see what life is like without the other. Follow your heart. Best of wishes too.

Tanya - posted on 11/30/2010

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Oh I feel for you Tracey..... every wife, mother has felt like this at some stage. Believe me - I have been married for 20 years this year! My heart breaks for you. Have you thought of having a holiday to London for a month or so to get your head straight? It could possibly be what you need.

Love Tanya

Joy - posted on 11/30/2010

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Hi I have to agree with most of what every one els has said but please consider if your chirlden are picking up their fathers bad habbits then maybe its time for him to leave you and the kids.if this is not poss' then please consider taking them with you so they can see a diffrent life style so they can change as well or they will pass on bad beh'to their own fam'when they grow up,sowing them a diffrent life now, is better than just giving up.Take it from some one thats given 2 of her kids to their dad and kept 4,the ones left with their dad went out of controll and now have passed one bad behav' to their bubs.The ones I kept are doing very well acheving to their full potential.
Familey support is the key.

Jackie - posted on 11/29/2010

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My mother left when I was 8, leaving my siblings and me with our dad. She was very unhappy in the marriage and we kids knew all the time. The biggest problem leaving a daughter with a father, is he open to talking to his dau about the female needs? My husband had to explain a few things our first year of marriage... my father was horrible about talking. If possible, make sure both your kids can reach you by email for support, questions, or just to feel close to you. My siblings and I went years without seeing our mom, even when we became adults our visits with her were short and very few. The not having our mother didnt make our childhood issues, it was the freak that became our stepmother; something you cant control. I guess the question is... does your husband want to be a fulltime father? If he doesnt, maybe you can find a family member or friend to take the children... just a thought.

Mandy - posted on 11/29/2010

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Hi Tracey. I can understand how you would feel this way. I agree with Gena C. I had to take some space, time, from my husband at one point in time years ago and it really helped me find myself again. I started to enjoy my life again, reconnected with God, and even started to have feelings for my husband again. Just give yourself the time that you deserve, this will help your children as well. You all deserve it, and let us know what you end up doing.

Vanessa - posted on 11/29/2010

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I agree with Gena...Take a break...You sound like me, ohhh about 3 months ago...I did actually seperate from my husband. A real eye opener. It allowed me to see my myself for what "I" was and what I wanted out of life and my relationship. Talking with people, and having that support system is absolutly necessary. And keep the people who will automatically take your side at a distance during this time. You want to surround your self with people who can let you make an informed decision and not sway you either way. Good luck and God Bless.

Rocio - posted on 11/29/2010

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I understand how you feel at times but you should sit down and express how you feel to ur spouse. There's no need to be w/someone you don't love at the end the only ones that will get hurt are the children. Get alone time for you and surround urself with loved ones for a couple of weeks. Feeling like you weren't cut to be a mother doesn't exempt you from your responsibility,the children do need you and also need discipline. Hope everything goes well!

[deleted account]

Dear Tracey, I very much understand this feeling. May I recommend maybe just taking a small step & taking some time away. Maybe stay with your family in London for a week or two & give yourself a chance to talk to them and find some peace with yourself. I know it probably won't be a convenient choice & there will be many excuses why you can't or shouldn't go but it's time to put yourself first. If you are like me after years of every one needs coming before mine I feel ready to crack. You are not a bad person & don't let any one tell you that. Your post is very honest & I'm sure you have spent many hours thinking & worrying about what you should do. I hope you find the answers you need & if you are feeling really low, I would recommend talking to a doctor. Sometimes we don't even know we are depressed & it affects the way we think & look at life. Depression runs in my family & I still have a hard time excepting it. Either way I hope you find what you need to make you happy. If you wish please send me a circle request, I have made some really good friends on here & they have helped me a lot, especially when I thought I was alone & the only one who felt a certain way. Take care :)

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