Is 8yrs too young to talk about SEX?

Frankie - posted on 04/05/2010 ( 45 moms have responded )

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So here's the thing....we have lived in a 1bd apartment for the longest time. So when it came to sex with my hubby ...we usually did it in the living room or waited til he was sleeping....deep sleeping. Well about two years ago he eventually told us that he knew what s. e. x. was and told us its what we do at night when we think he is sleeping....OMG...I was mortified. Now we have been living in a 3bd house for the last year. He has his own room and its the greatest thing!! No more hiding to spend time 'alone'. Well the other day the hubby and I had a quickie and when I went into the living room my son was upset. He began to yell at me saying "You promised you would never do that again!" I told him that I never made such a promise and tried to ignore that fact that he knew what we were doing. He kept saying that we shouldnt do that anymore. I then told him that if he wanted us to have a baby we had to have alone time to do that. He then told me " That is NOT how you make babies!!' and walked out of the room. Now my husband was standint in the hallway trying not to pass out from laughing to hard. I am stuck with trying to explain these things to my son. I think that if he asks me a question it is my job to answer him honestly....but how honest should I be?? I am so lost and embarassed that I am even asking but I really need help here.

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Lea - posted on 04/07/2010

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I too am sorry this has come up. I think as parents we want our children to stay as innocent as possible for as long as possible. I have a nine year old daughter and we have not had the actual talk yet. I'm aware that kids hear more and know more about SEX than we think they do because kids talk about what they hear and think they know.

My daughter will come and ask me questions about what this or that means. I always ask her first what she thinks it means. By finding out what she understands or thinks something to mean, I know how to phrase my answer. In my opinion, she doesn't need details from me if that's not something she's even thinking about.



Now, I've talk about having a period...that was fun (not). But I also explained about personal space and the right not to have anyone touch her body.



Because your child already feels that he knows everything and that he's frustrated about it, maybe he has a different reason for the outbursts. You said your husband won't talk to him about it because he said he's not his son. Is he a step-father? If that's his attitude, how does he treat your boy in general? How long have you been with your husband? I ask because when I read your question, it actually sounds like your son in jealous. Maybe he's jealous of time spent with your husband, not the actual act. You call it alone time and maybe your son doesn't understand the difference between alone time between husband and wife and alone time between a parent and child.



For example, sometimes I tell my kids that mommy and daddy are going to go lay down in the room and talk. We just want to be alone. We turn on the TV for them and we go. Because of my husband work schedule, our "alone time" happens at non-conventional times (meaning not always in the middle of the night when the kids are asleep). My 9 yr old hasn't said anything yet, but my 5 year did get upset that she couldn't open our door and come in and was pounding away at the door, "what are you doing in there?" I wanted to laugh.



As embarassed as you are about it, try to find some time to sit, one on one with your son and find out about what he thinks and what he knows. Let him know he can come to you and ask questions. Do you need picture boards? probably not. At his age he's probaby experiencing things already that he can't or doesn't understand why it's happening. Helping him understand about his development, what's normal about it, but also to explain firmly that what mommy and daddy do is for mommies and daddies and not something to talk about or try to imitate with a girl (and I only say that because of an experience my daughter had at school with a boy that tried to do something to/with her).



I hope this helped in some way. Good luck!

Alicia - posted on 04/13/2010

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IT IS FUNNY, BUT SERIOUS TOO. JUST BE HONEST WITH HIM. IT IS VERY CONFUSING FOR KIDS, AND IT WILL BE YEARS BEFORE HE UNDERSTANDS, BUT HE NEEDS TO KNOW IT IS FOR PEOPLE IN LOVE, AND THAT YOU LOVE EACH OTHER. SOME DAY HE WILL THANK YOU.

Kellean - posted on 04/11/2010

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I don't understand why dad's have such a difficult time with this whether it is their son or not. I know that I really had to nudge my husband into talking with our boys. Then I found out that his mom talked to him as his dad was uncomfortable with it. He eventually did and I think it turned out fine. However, as Mother's we just aren't afraid of those things. We are also more in tune with our kids feelings. I wish you the best of luck! It is a tough situation to be in. However I can tell you already know what to do. I think sometimes we just need the support of other moms to help us through the rough stuff. We are here for you whenever you need us!

Kathy - posted on 04/06/2010

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Hello again, Well I am Christian and I went to a Christian book store and found this book. This is what I use and it's great because it is age appropriate and it breaks it down slowly... its called Where Do Babies Come From? Boys' edition - By: Ruth Hummel|William Rusch This home school product specifically reflects a Christian worldview. But again I am sure in a Library you could find something that is not religion based....

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Georgetta - posted on 04/12/2010

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we started talking 2 our son about sex when he was 7 because he had been hearing things from his older brother. You can check out this site: http://www.birdsandbeesandkids.com/index...
This is the book we purchased:It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families. Once you decide when is the best time and how much information he is ready, I would advise to be honest and open. That way as he grows he will know he can come to you guys with questions. Hope it helps.

Julie - posted on 04/12/2010

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Good Lord! I don't thin k I'd be able to keep a straight face however, My daughters pediatrician told me that if asked questions about sex or her body I was supposed to answer honestly, this was last year when she was 6. I have only had to explain periods to her, she was horrified lol and has not asked any other questions since. I went the scientific route and showed her a diagram of a women's body, where and what ovaries, cervix, fallopian tubes, and a uterus were then explained the rest. They have some really great books that will help you teach your child in an age appropriate manner.

[deleted account]

LOL ... sorry, but it's totally normal for a child at that age to react that way if they don't already understand somewhat more than it seems your son did. Unfortunately, with the society we live in, this generation of children start things earlier than the one before... and my son was already hearing things at a younger age than 8... he got the entire lessons (in short stints, as educational answers to his questions and curiosities), but there is an amount to leave out of those conversations while your children are young as well....
I spoke to my son about how babies were made, how it was done (in a loving, committed relationship preferred), and about STD's, about there being protection out there to help against STD's that he would learn about later when he was older, and those types of things. Now when I overhear one of his friends say something, I often hear my son correct his friend with an educational tone.... I would much rather the children have good beneficial conversations exploring their curiosity (again, normal) than joking around and mimicking lewd comments or degrading back handed compliments. I would highly recommend a book called "What's happening to my body"? Look for it and just leave it in your child's room if they're curious. It's the proper information, and you'll know that they are learning the things you wish them to rather than hearing things from peers and thinking that their peers' imaginings or mimickings and believing things that could get them in trouble later. Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 04/11/2010

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tell him the truth Kids now a days know a lot more then you think and I would rather my son found out the truth from me then a bunch of whooie from his friends be honest and straight forward.

Julie - posted on 04/11/2010

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at the age of my boys 3 and 4.i went to library and got books.every now and then i reread them.as they grow they understand more and have more questions.they know the proper names of body parts.and know the differance between girls and boys.so when the sex subject comes up i'll be one foot ahead.i have no trouble with the sex talk.i'll explain it at thier level.and when it gets to details.they will get details.

Ashundria - posted on 04/11/2010

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I say explain it to him on his level. You and your hubby sit down and talk to him and see how much he knows...Good luck..

Kristen - posted on 04/11/2010

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I haven't read all the replies, so I may be restating but, I think that it is really important that when a child asks a question they get an age appropriate answer. Not telling him, or trying to ignore it will end up being damaging to him. Be honest. At this point he already has too much information as he has seen it, but I think it would be good to explain that it is an adult thing and that it is natural. Be open to his questions and answer them as honestly as you can without giving him any more than he already knows(which is pretty much everything).

Allyson - posted on 04/11/2010

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That is a pretty funny story! Here's my advice. I am the mother of a 9, 7, and 2 yr old boy. I too, believe it is best to be honest. My oldest son came home one day at the age of 8 and told me he knew what "humping" was. Thats seriously the word he used. He had the general idea, believe it or not, and I was SHOCKED! He learned about it from kids at school, older kids. I firmly believe that kids know alot more than we as parents give them credit for. This proved my point. I sat my son down and gave him the general information, explaining that it is a way that adults express love, make babies, and yes, even feels good. I also explained to him what the consequences can be, emotionally, and physically, of having sex when u are young. I explained what safe sex was. Since our conversation, we have talked about it numerous other times, and my son has come to me when he has heard things at school that he has had questions about. Some of the things he has heard were the funniest things ever. I am SO glad that my son and I now have this open line of communication, and that I can answer his questions about what is true and what is not. It is shocking to hear some of the things that kids these days know about sex. I wish I had talked to my son sooner, instead of him hearing it from somebody else and having false ideas about sex. It prompted me to also talk to my 7, (at the time, 6 yr old) and it was one of the smartest things I could've done, cuz it turned out that he, too, already had an idea of what sex was! The lines of communication are now wide open for me and my sons, and I feel that being able to talk to my kids, and them knowing that they can come to me about anything, and get honest answers, is one of the best things for them. I feel it sets the tone for the rest of their life. With as much as ur son seems to already know, I would strongly recommend sitting him down and just being frank with him. Explain what it is, and why people do it-not that its just for "making babies" Explain the risks, and the dangers of teen pregnancy. He will ask any questions he may have, and whatever he asks, is best answered by u, his mother. Good luck to u!

Frankie - posted on 04/11/2010

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He knows the basics of what sex is. We lived in a 1 bedroom apt for years. He has seen us having sex. I talked to my mom about this and after she was done laughing she told me about how my brother walked in on her and my dad. He told her it ruined him. This was after he was married and had a baby on the way. I think my son was angry because of the whole sharing mommy thing. My hubby and I have been together for 6 1/2yrs....he has raised my son. But when it comes to talking to him about sex...he is like all dads....he dont want to deal with it. He basically wont have that conversation with an 8 yr. old. So it pretty much is left to me. I appreciate all the input and thanks for all the advice. I will let you know how it all goes.

Kellean - posted on 04/11/2010

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Really? This is not a laughing matter. Your son is very upset about this.This is a serious matter. I am assuming that this is your son and not your husband's son? It sounds like he feels a form of betrayal, not in a sexual way but in a "this is my mommy way". You shouldn't continue to talk to him about how you are trying to make a baby. Have you discussed or asked him what he knows, how he found out? You need to find out where he got his information, that in itself is disturbing. I mean what if another adult told him. Obviously who ever told him told him not the truth but some lie that is damaging. Something is going on. I would talk with your son find out all he knows, Then you need to explain to him the right version of sex. It is called age appropriate sex. Not too much at this age. That can have a negative affect on him. Not the full details of it all he is already mortified, this will only make it worse. Especially if he tries to envision it. I would explain to him that when two people a man and woman are in love and married that they share a special bond between each other. Don't talk about having a baby until he has accepted the current situation. If you are still not sure what to do or how to talk to your son go to your family doctor or pediatrician. They will know how to best go about it. It is called age appropriate sex. Trust me you need to find out where and from whom he got his sex education from. This needs to be taken seriously from both you and your husband. Not a laughing matter.

Dee Anne - posted on 04/11/2010

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You've received LOTS of good advice here. I would encourage you to follow your heart and your motherly instincts. Nobody knows your child better than you, so you should be the one to have the talks with him.

I would caution you about some of the books. Be sure to read them by yourself before sharing with your son. Many have pages that may not be appropriate for your son right now, like the masturbation pages (not so sure they'll ever be appropriate for me - :)). I would take a few pages at a time to share as to not overwhelm him, then lock the book up until you're ready to share more.

Kryss - posted on 04/10/2010

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Wow my son is 10 and has just started asking/inquiring about the word "virgin" and "sex". I was told a few weeks ago that when he enters the 5th grade the "school system" will educate him. So, i feel i am at a place unsure if i should sit him down and talk abt it or not...I seen some mention the self help books and i am thinking of looking into that as well bc i dont want anyone in a school system teaching him such. I was 13 when my mom told me abt sex but now we all know the world was much different then. I have never allowed dirty talk or movies around my son and even monitor his viewings on tv and the movies. At this point my son suggest that he dont like girls..they are "friends" so i left it alone...my son has always had his own room since the day we brought him home and we are very discreet abt sex but perhaps i shouldnt have...:/ My sister has 4 kids and younger than my son her 7 yr old talks abt tittys and her oldest who is 3 mths younger than my son has expressed that he knows wht mommy and daddy does when the door closes. To me that would suggest i would def have that talk abt sex but son rarely ask and now i feel really worried..if i bring it up am i being a bad mom and making him feel uncomfortable? Or do i do it and explain it to him so hedoesnt have to figure things out in school....i guess i would have felt the same if my son said the same to me i wish you luck but bc my son hasnt reached this point not sure i have a solution for you only to talk to him and explain to him as much as he ask.

Alecia - posted on 04/10/2010

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Be honest just not explicit, instill the values you want him to have from the beginning, give the belief system that you feel will keep him safe and informed until he reaches the next educational level. Keep it simple, moral, and clear. Then laugh about it later over a glass of wine:D

Jodie - posted on 04/10/2010

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i think 8 is way to young to explian sex to a child boy or girl but there are other ways to tell him about what you have been doing Eg: mum and dad are in love and this is what 2 people who are in love and that MARRIED do and explain when 2 people are married and in love they like to be together and well as for the baby issue ask him where he thinks babies come from you may be surprise on how innocent hos answer is. can ask him the same question about what he thinks you and hubby are doing.

Beth - posted on 04/10/2010

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I just had the sex talk with my 8 yr old daughter. she has been asking what it is for months, because she sees "naked kissing" on TV. I felt like if I want to establish an open and honest relationship with her, I might as well start with the hard stuff. So it was hard and a little embarrassing but I stressed the fact that it's meant for married adults and didn't go into too much gory detail. I'll save those for when she's older. But she gets the just of it and she's satisfied for now. I feel like I'm going to be one of those lucky moms who actually have a good relationship with their kid and hopefully she'll continue to feel like she can come to me about anything.

Beverly - posted on 04/10/2010

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you should tell him whatever he wants to know he is not to young I told my son at 8 but my daughter at 7. If they are asking then tell them you do not want someone else telling them.

Laurey - posted on 04/10/2010

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I have talked with my kids a litle about sex and where babies come from. They ask questions and I try to be honest but nothing in detail. My 10 & 11 yr old boys are having that discussion in school right now where they seperate the boys and the girls and talk about puberty. My 10 yr old informed that because I was not a boy he couldn't share what they talked about except to tell me that it was gross. I explained to him that I had 3 boys and am a nurse and have taken care of many male patients that I'm well aware of what boys have. That then led into a lenghty discussion about hair growing and wet dreams to having to wear deodrant. I would just try and answer his wuestions as honestly and generically as you can for his age. I work at a residential group home for kids and we start talking to them about body changes at about 9 or 10 and the safe sex and STD talk with the kids at about 12yrs.

Ebony - posted on 04/10/2010

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i dont think thats too young, i tell my daughter whatever she wants to know. I want anyone telling her different!! And children now and days are not how we were coming up!! lol

Nikki - posted on 04/10/2010

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If the child is already asking questions or is telling you they konw what sex is then it's not too young. My eldest son is 7 and we have becan our talk on sex. If your hubby is unwilling to talk to your son is there any other male in his life that would be willing? My husband had trouble talking with our son at frist but after I involved Grandpa( my hubbys dad) my hubby felt more motivated.

Heidi - posted on 04/10/2010

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I told my son breifly when he was six. This was when he told me he knew all about sex because some friends told him at school.When he explained it to me I tried so hard not to laugh. I then explained basics to him like body parts and stuff. When he was eight I then sat him down to explain the rest. Then come to find out I read that eight was the perfect time to tell them. They are not gossed out and they have the attention to understand it.

Jessica - posted on 04/10/2010

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You poor thing! Thats an terrible position to be in. Since he ovbiously knows what the act of sex is or the sound of it, I would explain that it is normal and he shouldnt be upset with you. I would make your husband sit down with him and you while you discuss this. It is not only your job to be the one talking to him, you son and your husband will see sex different that you, because you are a woman. I wouldnt go into much detail but I would say something like this is normal for mom and dad to do because you love each other, you are not hurting each other and God tells people who are married to have sex and as a result of having sex women can become pregnant. If you and your husband are trying to have a baby I would leave it at that, but I would also let him be apart of your pregnancy. Explain conseption and how they babies grows. Make it more about the act of reproduction not a nasty act that is "bad."

AnnMarie - posted on 04/10/2010

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my son walked in on me and his dad....he was standing at the end of the bed watching and we didnt know !!!!!!!! We were mortified. But.....I think the best way too explain sex is to tell him that you and his father love each other very much and when your in love, and only when your in love, this is how you show love between each other. and also let him know that this is how he came about

Louise - posted on 04/10/2010

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I would probably explain to him. He seems to know part of it and it seems to be twisted in his head a bit so I would def get it straightened out. Kids are having sex so much younger there days and i do believe that you have to accept that fact and prepare for it! It would be worse if in a few years he came home having gotten someone pregnant cos he wasn't aware of the facts. Teenage pregnancies are on the up and as little as we want to think it we as parents need to take the head out of the sand and wise up!!! Its going to happen sooner or later and hopefully with all the right info it'll be later!!

Rhonda - posted on 04/09/2010

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talk to him anout the love you and your hubby have ... find some good things online that you can show him that married people that love each other very much when they are at the right age and married IN LOVE ...show him and also show him what married couples do that are not happy they fight dont hug nothing...show him all the good in what you have with your hubby ...and when you and hubby are around kinda play around with hubby give him bunny ears while hes reading the paper swap him with a towel and just be funny in love in front of him...tell him stories and most of all make sure son is geting the attention he wants too.sit on the couch and yell for your 2 favorite men in the world "wheres my 2 favorite men" come watch a movie ... include son into the fun stuff and again just show him what love is in the best way im sure you can pull some good stuff online u can show him and talk about,and show him what your love is to son and that one day he'll be bigger and love someone too.the best way is not just expalining its showing it and explaining,.look online for a few days and bookmark wat you would like to show him and talk about.

Kim - posted on 04/09/2010

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Since he pretty much knows, I would just tell him the whole thing. I have a few friends who have told their boys at that age. Not what I would do(unless a situation like yours) but to each their own.

C - posted on 04/09/2010

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just ignore the conversation, start sex education when the kids are ready, start by taking a bath with them.

Joyanne - posted on 04/09/2010

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Hi,
You've gotten some wonderful advice and insight into this situation. I am sure by now that you have started seeking out the answers that work best for you and your family. It is important to treat this subject with honesty and respect for one another's feelings and to work together as a family unit to have this make sense. Your husband whether he is the biological father or not, needs to be a part of the process or it will still seem like a hidden and shameful event to your son. Mostly trust yourself as his mom to know what he needs from you and do your best to provide that for him. Since he is asking questions and making statements that show his confusion it is your job to find ways to remove the confusion. It can be tricky situation and I wish you the best.

Tina Marie - posted on 04/09/2010

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first of i am a little upset that your hubby has said "since he is YOUR son" because he should realize that when he married you YOUR son became HIS son as well....he should step up and be that "male figure" like he is supposed to be...that in its self can become a whole different battle and could possibly devide you. my 6yr old son has already come asked my bf where babies come from..and i was really proud of my bf(who btw has already decided he is there for my kids for the long haul whether we make it or not) he told my son simply that babies are a gift from God, but he only said this because my son has yet to ask about sex. i feel mine is still a little too young to know. I myself walked up to my dad at 4 and asked about sex....and oh boy is it a trip to hear that story...he told me that i had to ask my mom. lol my dad still turns white when he thinks about it. but i strongly feel you hubby should have that talk with him...but if ou have to good luck itsounds like most of the advice before me is very good advice.

Anita - posted on 04/09/2010

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hi its so hard for them at that age they here so much and know so little. i remember when my sister was about that age and done sex education at school . she came home and give out to my dad she said i know what you did to my mum and you did it nine times dont do it again. it was so funny but serious at the same time.they all go through it its part of growing up. i think its harder on boys .

Joann - posted on 04/08/2010

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He is not to yung. You need to site with him and the huby and have that talk and be compleetly honist with him and what it's all about. He need's to know the good and the bad of sex. Put it out there on the floor hold nothing back.

Diane - posted on 04/08/2010

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No it is NOT too young. YOu don't have to give details but there are book to purchase geared for 6-8 year olds. Answer their questions because if you do not, someone else will do it for you and you don't want that. You want open communication with your kids. I was very vague but honest, that is my opinion or go with reading a book about it together. I covered where babies come out of and men and women having parts that fit together...always emphasizing sex with love!!!! Later they will learn different but its important as young as he is to associate the two together right now.

Anne-Marie - posted on 04/08/2010

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my daughtre is also 8 and has know most things about sex for a few years now because i was pregnant with my 3rd and she wanted to know everything (she was 5 at the time) i told her what she wanted to know, then she found my pregnancy book and then the questions just poured out :s, she now tells her friends at school all about sex now. just answer the question that was asked and dont feel embarreast as every one needs to know at some point.

Stephanie - posted on 04/07/2010

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I have a 6 year old son who wanted to know how babies are made so I just explained to him how it works. I would say if your son is curious and wants to know you should explain it to him but in a manner that he would understand, like using names he associates with boy and girl body parts and maybe explain why mommys and daddys have sex, because they really love eachother and that's how they how they show their love to eachother but that's only something you do when you become a grown up and with someone you truly love and get married to, usually :) Hope this helps.

Dawn - posted on 04/07/2010

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I have 5 children and they know what sex sex was from a very early age. So my children ask me everything. My 17 yr old told me he was thinking about have sex with his girlfriend of 3yrs, I just about died, but I explained to him that it would disappointed me if he did, but if he did to use protection, his girlfriend and him decided to wait. Thank god. My other children our 14,12,7 and 5 and the all know because of the older one

Geri - posted on 04/07/2010

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Actually...(that is very funny...sorry) I went to the "Harvest Christian Book Store" and bought a series of books on this very subject...they have different levels like from 3-5, 6-8, 9-12 and it is age appropriate...it has helped me alot with explaining things to our children...along with other things that they would never know to ask because we are not a blended family...(well we are but it does not seem like it) ok I went hunting and I found one...they are written by Ruth Hummel...its called the new Learning About Sex...this book is age 6-8 and its called Where Do Babies Come from...a series for the christian family...its honest, sensitive answers from a christian perspective...there are a total of six books. Good Luck and God Bless

Kennisha - posted on 04/06/2010

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Wow that is a tough one. I would say that since he knows of sex you should talk about it but without the intimate details. Maybe you should start out with it is something adults do when they love each other and that is why he is here. I know it is hard to talk about it with your son (I should know my son is very open with me) but the good thing is that he feels comfortable talking to me about it. But reassure him that if he is upset it is ok but maybe dad can do a boys day out and talk to him as well. But do not feel embarrassed you need alone time just as much as the rest of us. Hope this helps.

Frankie - posted on 04/06/2010

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You and just about everyone I have shared this story with has found it extremely funny. It is funny even I must admit that. I can't believe how much he thinks he knows. I have talked to him but my hubby wont. He says since he is my son its my job to deal with those things. I am gonna go to the library and see what I can find to help me. I also dont want to tell him too much. The last thing I need as an agry mob of parents coming after me because he decides to share with his friends at school.

Kathy - posted on 04/06/2010

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I am sorry but I did burst out laughing that is too funny BUT here is my advised... I started with the SEX talk with my son at age 6.... It was not explicit only very basic facts... Its a working progress... I started out with what it means to kiss between a girl and boy and what his body parts feel when he will be around girls that he may find interesting... HE is now 8 and I am ready to show him with pictures the female parts and how we become pregnant.... Again it will be slow and I usually just go by the questions he ask I do not give more info than asked... I suggest because he has been exposed to what he thinks he knows you and your husband should sit with him and explain, but before you do be ready with questions you think he may have. Explain body parts and most importantly tell him that it is Normal what you guys are doing... BEST OF LUCK!!!

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