Looking for HELP!!!

Denise - posted on 11/08/2008

Ilene, when you do meet with your child's counselor and a psychologist ask them about ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). My son was about the same age when he started to "act up" with his teachers and other adults. We didn't have many issues at that time at home with his not listening to me so I just figured it was school. When Michael was diagnosed with ODD the doctor noted that it was most likely brought on by anxiety and depression. These could be some of the same issues that you are going through with your son. My son was depressed for a few reasons, being away from me and moving were the major ones. He was and still is very smart, in some things well beyond his 10 years, and because of this he was often anxious about things, believing that things should be perfect. He was also anxious about making friends outside of his cousins whom were his only friends until he started school. It is also amazing how well reward programs that are carried out at school and reinforced at home really work. My son's old school had a program where the day was broken into 10 to 12 elements such as reading time, math, morning meeting, etc. Each element was represented by a blank circle that was then filled out wih either a smiley face, a straight or frowny face. Each one was worth a corresponding point value. A goal was set for each day and the points were accumulated to get small prizes from the school counselor. Larger goals were set based on continued achievements of the daily goal, such as rewards from home or lunch out with a teacher. My son was able to learn to turn his attitude around and was excited to show me the slips from school each day. He also went to group each week with other students and the school counselor. When he visited the child psychologist the schedule of visits were suggested by the doctor and I believe that would be the best for you too, after he is evaluated, let the doctor suggest the frequency of appointments. He may need once a week or once a month just so he has someone to talk to. I wish you all the luck and success.



As far as the night-time issue. I agree with Andrea and Mara. Come up with a nightly routine. You need to be a part of it but it is also good to include the older siblings especially if they have a good relationship. I love the idea of the "monster spray" using the lavendar oil. I have never actually made the "spray" but I have used the idea of spraying outside to keep monsters out. Another thing that I have used that works great is to find relaxing, meditative sounds on the internet and download them or purchase a CD and put this on continuous play at night. When my son used to have "night terrors", waking up or not even going to sleep for no apparent reason, I found that lying down with him for a little while and having the music playing helped him sleep through the night.

Ilene - posted on 11/08/2008

WOW!!! Am so surprised and happy that there are so many people out there willing to try to help me!! You all are awesome! Thanks for your ideas. I did make ab appt with his guidance counselor for thiw wed. Also a child psychologist. Wan to make sure there is nothing else gloing on that i don`t know about! It just tears my heart out! With this i feel helpless. I did let him know that i am here to protect him and help him thru anything. I also explained it to his older brother who is also worried for him. He is also trying to spen more one on one time with him.
Thanks for ur kind and helpful words. Will keep u posted!!!!!

Leslie - posted on 11/08/2008

Maybe he's overtired during the day because he isn't sleeping well at night? My son "misbehaves" when he's tired (doesn't pay attention or listen well). When he has enough sleep he usually has a good day at school. Getting the sleep issue solved will help his daytime behaviour. I've also had the same problems with my son, being one of the oldest in his class he finds the work easy and zips through it quickly. The teacher realized this and when his work is done and neat, he's awarded in class with reading or computer time. Or he can take time to do his homework in class which he loves because then he doesn't have to do it at home and can spend his home time playing or watching TV instead. It's taken a couple of years but there has been pretty good progress. Our school also has a counsellor that visits once a week to help him work out some of his social issues (manners, friend problems, etc). Maybe your school has a similar program? Good luck!

Angela - posted on 11/08/2008

I would say try and stay consistent keep him on schedule don't stray. How is the community at your school if the teacher is calling everyday is there another person there who might be able to help with his situation it can be anyone from a counselor to a pta parent. As for bedtime try to give him rewards when he goes to bed without any conflict my son went through this and we would put little treats under his pillow and told him it was the bedtime fairy. I know it is stressful but stay confident and and consistent hang in there . Good luck Angela

Mara - posted on 11/08/2008

LLene-

It sounds like your little guy fells very stressed. Our middle son was similarly unhappy in pre-k and the start of kindergarten. I could not find anything that he cared enough about to motivate him toward good behavior. We had him tested and he was "well above average" in intel., but emotionally immature. I had to meet with a team at school to see how to best help him (threatening to send him home was just what he wanted). We struggled for about a year, and ended up changing schools, but he is doing well now. He had a real confidence problem and thought he couldn't hold his own in "real school" . SO, he acted out instead of showing his vulnerability. I am afraid that some of his behaviors had to be "out-grown" and some we could curb with a reward system. We also had some troub,e at night and it seemed to be related to school and his fears about it. I would want to make sure there isn't another reason for his fears first- maybe consult a counselor so that you don't miss anything. Mostly, I would say that what helped our son was our willingness to fight for him. We had to be very supportive and patient. He had to know we were concerned (not mad) and always on his side. If I had to hold my son while he raged and cried I would (not at bedtime-but before) and a soothing night time routine might really help. Our son responded to a soak in the tub (by himself- no siblings) and a story and snuggle.

It is soooo hard to watch a great, smart child struggle, but with your help he will get thru this! Good luck!

Andrea - posted on 11/08/2008

If your child is bright (as you said he is) then he may just simply be bored. A lot of the time the children who play up are either bored as the work is to easy and not challenging enough - or the opposite the work is to hard and they dont understand.



If i was you i would go and spend a morning in the room see what the dynamic is and what he does, see how the teacher is with him and the other students. Talk to the teacher (if he is bored and acts up cause of this) about extending his learning and giving him more challenging work to do.



As for the bed time .. what time does he go to bed... maybe he is going to late and is over tied and this is why the problem starts.. also do you have a a bed time routine.. eg brush teeth, get into PJ's, go to loo, read a book and then sleep time. This can also help.... how is the house before bed time is it caotic or quiet as if its caotic then this could also be another sorce of the problem he may be over stimulated.



Also other things to try is a night light, he may be scared of the dark (or whats in the dark) a dream catcher to catch the bad dreams and only allow the good ones through... monster spray (lavender oil) also soft classical music as well can help them drift of to sleep with no issues.



hope this helps some

Cheryl - posted on 11/07/2008

I would talk with his teacher and see if they have a "problem solving team" and see what you all can come up with to help him love school. They should also brainstorm to make sure that there is no reason (ie learning difficulties) that is keeping him from doing well at school.



When my kids have had difficulty in school (they changed school 2x in one year) I set up a reward plan at home to help my son with his issues. Every day he followed the directions at school he got a sticker/stamp. When he got 5 stickers, he got to make cookies all by himself with me (it was Christmas time). It worked because the reward motivated him. So maybe ask him what kind of reward he would like for doing well at school.



Hope this helps! Good Luck!! :-)