Mean Girls

Diann - posted on 02/13/2013

My daughter is in 8th grade and has a great group of friends. One girl she tried to be nice to is also friends with her group andbounces back and forth liking my daughter one day the not another. She rolls her eyes and talks to the other girls as if she is not there.
We have told her to ignore her and do not let her bother you just be repectful when shes around. Now she is trying to get the other girls against my daughter. Our daughter has decided to not be friends with her period. She says she does not need friends like that. But this girl still hangs around totally ignoring her when she is in the classroom whispering to my daughters friends and being so disrespectful she was in tears when she came home today.
What do I say ?

Lisa - posted on 04/01/2011

Wow! I think that this is the hardest part about being a mom. We want our kids to be happy and to feel loved and safe. Unfortunately, its a tough world out there and kids can be downright mean. I'm glad that you have reassured her. Keep doing that! As with some of the other posts, my suggestion would be for you to help her find her niche. Find an activity that she likes and is good at. She will then be surrounded by a group of friends that have the same interests, which will boost her confidence. Having more confidence will also help her deal with those tough situations at school. Also, encourage her to find some different friends at school. Even if they are not the "popular kids", having other kids to talk to and eat lunch with will help her. And as hard as it is too feel like you don't fit in with the "in" crowd. These are not always the kind of influences that we want our kids to be around. It means so much more when people like you for being "you" and not because you look a certain way or wear a certain type of clothes. Good luck and I hope you let us all know how it goes:)

Kim - posted on 03/31/2011

Aw, so sorry to hear that. I sympathize with you, I too have a 9yr old daughter who sometimes feels like the outcast. In the past she has come to me with similar situations. I try to not overload her mind, but I can't help to remember what it felt like for me in school at her age. I just try to remind her that she shouldn't focus on fitting in with a "clique". She should focus on being Yaz, and being happy with that. Good Luck!

Fi - posted on 03/30/2011

Hi Naomi,
Firstly, the advice offered to you by Tracie Drumm is spot on!! I have a daughter in the same position ... its tough, not just on your daughter but on you too! Number one is to ensure she feels safe and loved, secondly you might like to explore external activities that she can excel at (or just enjoy having a go at) to broaden her circle of friends and to lift her self esteem ... because that is the key thing you need to protect - being around people like that and not being able to do anything about it makes you feel powerless and beaten.
I enrolled my daughter in Calisthenics and in her first year she was recognised for all her efforts and came home with 2 trophies - I can tell you these tokens may as well be solid gold in her eyes (and mine) because it shows her she can be / do whatever she puts her mind to, she is walking taller and has something other than school to focus on.
All the best Naomi - I wish you and your daughter a happy future :0)

MICHELLE - posted on 03/30/2011

I HAVE A 9YR OLD SON WHO HAS A VERY OUTGOING PERSONALITY. HE IS NOT SHY & IS VERY FRIENDLY. I AM A PARENT WHO IS VERY MUCH INTO FASHION SO HE'S A VERY WELL DRESSED STUDENT. HE ALSO WEARS PRESCRIPTION EYE-GLASSES. SO BCUZ HE WEARS THEM HE SAYS THE KIDS CALL HIM A NERD &DON'T WANNA PLAY WITH HIM. HE DOES HAVE 1TRUE FRIEND WHO HAS BEEN HIS BEST FRIEND SINCE KINDEGARTEN. HE ALSO WEARS GLASSES. WHEN HE COMES HOME & TELLS ME THAT OTHER KIDS WERE TEASING HIM & HURTING HIS FEELINGS I INSTANTLY GO INTO MAMA BEAR PROTECTING MY CUB. BUT THESE ARE KIDS WHO MIGHT BE FRIENDS WITH 1 ANOTHER 2MAR. I TELL HIM THAT THESE KIDS WHO HURT PEOPLE ARE BEING HURT THEMSELVES BY SOMEONE & DON'T KNOW ANY OTHER WAY TO BEHAVE. BUT, AS LONG AS YOU REMAIN & DISPLAY YOUR CONFIDENCE THEY WILL SEE THAT THEY CAN'T BREAK OR TAKE AWAY YOUR SWAGGER & WILL WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. EVEN THO THEY ACT LIKE DEY ARE SO TOUGH & CONFIDENT THEY'RE REALLY NOT. ALL IT TAKES IS FOR 1 PERSON TO SHOW THEM THAT THEY CAN'T WIN & THEY WILL GIVE UP. AND IT WORKED!!!!!

MICHELLE - posted on 03/30/2011

I HAVE A 9YR OLD SON WHO HAS A VERY OUTGOING PERSONALITY. HE IS NOT SHY & IS VERY FRIENDLY. I AM A PARENT WHO IS VERY MUCH INTO FASHION SO HE'S A VERY WELL DRESSED STUDENT. HE ALSO WEARS PRESCRIPTION EYE-GLASSES. SO BCUZ HE WEARS THEM HE SAYS THE KIDS CALL HIM A NERD &DON'T WANNA PLAY WITH HIM. HE DOES HAVE 1TRUE FRIEND WHO HAS BEEN HIS BEST FRIEND SINCE KINDEGARTEN. HE ALSO WEARS GLASSES. WHEN HE COMES HOME & TELLS ME THAT OTHER KIDS WERE TEASING HIM & HURTING HIS FEELINGS I INSTANTLY GO INTO MAMA BEAR PROTECTING MY CUB. BUT THESE ARE KIDS WHO MIGHT BE FRIENDS WITH 1 ANOTHER 2MAR. I TELL HIM THAT THESE KIDS WHO HURT PEOPLE ARE BEING HURT THEMSELVES BY SOMEONE & DON'T KNOW ANY OTHER WAY TO BEHAVE. BUT, AS LONG AS YOU REMAIN & DISPLAY YOUR CONFIDENCE THEY WILL SEE THAT THEY CAN'T BREAK OR TAKE AWAY YOUR SWAGGER & WILL WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. EVEN THO THEY ACT LIKE DEY ARE SO TOUGH & CONFIDENT THEY'RE REALLY NOT. ALL IT TAKES IS FOR 1 PERSON TO SHOW THEM THAT THEY CAN'T WIN & THEY WILL GIVE UP. AND IT WORKED!!!!!

Sangeeta - posted on 03/30/2011

My daughter is exactly the same situation. She is 7 yrs. and we've just moved to another country. Everything is foreign to her and she is the youngest in her class. Everyone in her class is already part of a group and she too has been spending her lunch time all alone and trying to be brave about it. It doesn't help that she is also an introvert! My heart bleeds for her!:(
I have organised a play date for her with the girls she would like to be friends with (none of the bully types are invited). Since they have the last day of the month as a "Family Picnic Lunch" in school, I went and bonded with a couple moms of her classmates and then we moms went together to say our byes and asked our daughters if they would play together during the rest of lunch break. Apparently this worked, and my child has come back happy since that day , saying that she has been included in that group.
You should also have a word with the teacher and see how they have dealt with similar situations.
I figured while talking to the other moms, that the way my daughter was going about making friends was getting her negative attention among her classmates. We are working upon that too. Poking , troubling and hitting others was not going to get her any friends is something she has now realised. It's work in progress, but am positive that soon my girl will have her own set of good friends:)

Rahneida - posted on 03/30/2011

Talk to the teacher as well. See if they can come up with some straigies on how all the girls can get along. At my daughter school the girls all meet together with a teacher to help mediate and sort through their issues and come of with rules on how to be each others friends and show respect to everyone. Sounds like these girls need something like that "team building activities and learn to show respect to everyone.

Kari - posted on 03/30/2011

I found it usefull with my daughter and son at one time or another...to join in lunch with her and bring something for the whole class. It usually enables conversation between classmates. I've done pizza to pastries. Slowly but surely someone finally breaks the mold and befriends them. Hearbreaking for us as parents ~ hope this helps.

Bonica - posted on 03/30/2011

My daughter is only 6 right now, however, I think if you get her involved in other activities such as girl scouts, school soccer team, etc in and outside of school, this may not be such a big issue later on. She can have will have friends through participating in these activities both in and outside of school. I hope it all works out.

Allison - posted on 03/30/2011

There is a book called, "The Bully, the bullied and the bystander" that talks about bullying and how it can start as young as age 4. I saw the author speak and she was right on the mark with this stuff.

Tammy - posted on 03/29/2011

This started with my oldest daughter in First Grade; she will be 10 at the end of May. She said that the kids kept calling her weird. I kept telling her that we are all weird and that it was good to be different. But then I started getting calls about her behavior. It turns out she was having difficulty in learning how to respect others boundaries and overreacting to situations that made her upset. In one incident she was chasing 5th graders and growling at them before school and would not stop when asked by the older students. Another time she was banging her head on wall when she heard that a friend's father lost his job. Her teacher recommended her for group counseling offered by the school and the Principal suggested Girl Scout. We implemented both and this year we noticed that she is more comfortable with others and herself. She has friends and a great support system to help get through the rough days. I would talk to her teacher and principal independently and see what they have to say. Just two things to remember, they don't and can't see everything and you are your daughter best advocate.

Tracie - posted on 03/29/2011

This is so hard! All through grade school I was like your daughter. I went to a small private school, so I was with the same group of 30 kids for 8 years. Even though my family always told me how funny & pretty I was, all my classmates hated me because I was "the smart kid" and a "nerd." It was terribly lonely.

My parents just shrugged it off saying "they're jerks." That didn't help. Help your daughter understand that people are mean to others because they feel badly about themselves. She should feel sorry for those girls. They are going to have a miserable life unless they change their attitude. She can rise above it. She's better than that.

Make sure that you daughter always has her safe haven at home (that was worth the weight of the world in gold to me) and some friends outside of school. Don't let your daughter pander to the mean girls and try to ingratiate herself. This will give away her power and enforce her "lower status" to the mean girls.

As difficult as it is, she needs to hold her head high KNOWING how wonderful and valuable she is. She is clearly not missing anything by not being friends with these nasty girls.

Remind her that EVERYTHING is temporary, and that there will come a day when she no longer has to deal with these mean people. That said, if there is outright bullying going on, that must be addressed immediately.

If it makes your daughter feel any better, tell her that all the girls who were mean to me are now uneducated, blue-collar, toothless trash still living in the podunk town I came from. I went on to further my education, move to NYC and then L.A. and I'm living a fabulously interesting life surrounded by the most fascinating people on the planet. :-)

Best of luck to you and your precious daughter!!

Kim - posted on 03/29/2011

Unfortunately, I'm there already at 6 years old. We are in a private school and the girls in my dd's class have been together for a while. So my dd has been struggling to fit in with some of the "clicks" that have already formed. She has ended up taking to playing with boys in her class and some of the girls from the other kindergarten class because the girls are so snotty to her. We have been asking her already if she wants to continue at the school, we have a public school down the block from our house so we have options, but she insists that she likes the school and wants to stay. I've had the same experience, I came to the classroom to volunteer for baking Christmas cookies and we had a break time and she took her book and sat in the corner. I don't know if it is because she is a year older than almost her entire class, we missed the school cut-off by a month and she is that much more aware of how to treat kids based off of the pre-school she came from, but it is really hard to see them struggle.

Charity - posted on 03/28/2011

I'm going through the same thing with my 6, almost 7, year old daughter. She has a best friend at school "Chloe" (not the child's real name) that doesn't like to share, tries to get my daughter into trouble & is constantly telling her she isn't her friend anymore. She comes home almost everyday with another story of how they made up that morning, but then "Chloe" did something else and said she wasn't her friend anymore. My daughter ate lunch alone today and played at recess by herself. When I asked why she didn't play with the other children she responded that she asked some other kids if she could play with them and they told her no because "Chloe' told them she wasn't a good friend. I have tried my best to encourage her to make other friends because I feel as though "Chloe" is a bully. I am clueless as to what else to do. I hope you get some helpful hints! Luckily my daughter will be starting a new school next year so hopefully things will be better for her.

Amanda - posted on 03/22/2011

I have 12 and 14 year old step daughters. And I was like your daughter when I was a kid. Like I tell my step daughters, no one has 40 best friends, half of them probably aren't real friends any way. All you need is 1 or 2 good friends. And who cares what any one thinks. Be true to your self. Besides, geeks are awesome! I've been one for 34 years and wouldn't want to be anything else! You just need to find something you love and stick with it. Everything else will fall into place.

Christina - posted on 03/22/2011

My son went through sometime like that when he was about 9. He has aspergers so he has always had trouble with social situations so that did not help. There were some boys at school who would pick on him and he did not have any friends. It was a really hard time for him. He is 14 and a freshman now and has found a group of kids just like him to hang out with. They are into magic cards and anime instead of girls and loud music. Just because she is having a hard time finding friends right now does not mean she will always feel that way. Maybe you could try a youth group with kids that go to her school in it. If she can even make one good friend to hang out with at school it will make a big difference.

Katie - posted on 03/22/2011

How sad for her. I have not really been through this but i have had an unhappy son from school. If i were you i would try and make some friends with some other mummies from the kids in the same class and then arrange some play dates or invite friends home for tea. Also i would have a private discussion with her teacher and see if there is anything going on in her class such as bullying that can be stopped! I hope this helps you a little bit. Poor love. Maybe ask her what she feels would help her fit in at school and see if you can acheive it?

Candy - posted on 03/22/2011

I am not there yet. Mine are still ok. They are 6 and 7. I have no idea how you handle this. I do hope you find some answers though. So we all have ideas. Love her,hold her reasure her,and always be there for her.