My 10 Year old daughter wont go to school
Barbara - posted on 12/21/2012
I've also had this issue with my now 15-y-o daughter. The first thing I did was have her checked out by the doctor. Full medical exam and made sure they ran blood work for thyroid levels. While waiting for the lab work to come back, I went to talk to her teacher(s), the staff at school, the principal. I talked to other parents whose children were in her class to see if their sons or daughters were complaining about something as well. When the medical/lab came back ok and no others at school reported any issues to address, I sat down with my daughter and told her that I was concerned about her calling every day wanting to come home from school.
I didn't want her to feel like she was in trouble or being 'bad' so we went to her favorite restaurant and had a 'mommy and me' breakfast one Sunday morning after church. After 1/2 hour of dodging every question, she finally admitted that some of the other girls were excluding her from playing sports/games at recess and lunch. One had called her a pretty nasty name and some how got a few of the other girls to go along with her clickish behavior. It was pretty bad, making subtle, whispered remarks in line in the morning, just loud enough for my daughter to hear them, but not loud enough for the teacher to notice and get on them about it. Girls this age start forming clicks, isolating other girls who are: 1)smarter than they are; 2) prettier than they are; 3) have different (better or worse) clothes than they do; 4) have some distinction (red hair?) than the rest of the girls. We didn't have the clothing issue since all of the girls wore the same uniforms. Once I found out what was going on at school and how much it had escalated, I went back to school to meet with both the teacher of her class with the school principal. Our school had a zero tolerance policy on bullying and both the teacher and the principal agreed that this was a form of bullying. The teacher started walking up and down the line each time the kids lined up morning, afternoon and at dismissal. Finally a week or two later she heard one of the whispered remarks from the original little stinker, pulled her out of line, sent her to the principals office and her parents were called. She did two days of in-school suspension - no staying home - had to sit in the school secretaries office both days and do assigned work for the full school day. Her parents were informed that if she pulled this stunt again, she would be expelled from our Christian school pronto. The kid had to write an apology letter to my daughter and a separate one to me for costing me time off from my job, extra medical expenses. The lesson did prevent this girl from her nasty behavior, knowing mom and dad were going to be called again if she tried this nonsense again. Since both my daughter and the girl who started all of this were in the same Girl Scout troop, I pulled my daughter out of that troop and put her in another troop at the same school. I made it clear to both mom and dad, that this was an issue I wasn't going to let go if it continued. 10 year old girls can be very mean when they try to polarize other kids that our girls want to be friends with. It's very painful for our girls and for us moms, because we want our kids to like school, do well, be accepted and work through the social connections formed at school.
It did teach my daughter a very important lesson about friendship. Five years later and in high school, she has lots of friends but won't tolerate any of the drama-queen nonsense that some girls seem to get a kick out of. She refuses to let anyone be isolated from her circle of friends, even walks away from long-time friends if they try to act this way to another girl she likes. Her friends know she has boundaries with this issue that they better not cross if they want to remain friends with her. A few haven't observed these boundaries and my daughter refuses to have anymore to do with them. Won't do facebook, text messaging, nothing. A few have actually apologized to her for their 'drama' because my daughter is a really nice kid who wants to include everyone and enjoy all of her friends.
I hope our story helped a little, it's a really hard thing for the kids to go through, and I'm not sure if this is what may be happening in your case. Be sensitive to her, let her open up a little and maybe you can find out what is really going on. My prayers are with you.
Patricia - posted on 11/03/2012
sounds like something is wrong maybe she really isnt well and should see a docter or the teacher or other kids are being mean to her but yeah I would check into it.when I was around ten I started my period hope thats not it...good luck
User - posted on 10/09/2012
Sometimes as parents, we forget the importance of not talking to our children but listening to them. I find my daughter does her best "talking" when she is relaxed and not concerned with what I think. My daughter is also 10. It just sounds like your daughter needs to talk. I agree there is something happening at school that has upset her, and getting to the bottom of it is a must, but be careful how you go about it because your attempt to create conversation could be the difference between further thoughtful discussions or a feeling of mistrust.
Ask yourself, when is she most relaxed? I sometimes lay in the bed with my daughter right before bedtime, and she tells me the silly things her friends are doing at school. Her comfort is essential. Another option, we have tried and used successful, is the talking ruler. Take a ruler and label it the talking ruler. Whoever is holding the talking ruler has the floor and can say anything without being interrupted and without consequence.
If you approach teachers or school officials, I would do so without your daughter's knowledge. Simply because she is at an age where she needs to trust in you to trust her. In the next few years, "trust" will be essential.
Threatening and accusing is only a perpetuation of what is probably happening at school, and that will only lead to her not opening up about the situation.
10-years old is a difficult age for little girls because so many of the girls are starting to experiment with what I call "the ugliness" stage. "I don't want to be your friend" "I don't like you" Be your child's Amazon Guide, it is ok to assume or tell a story about yourself. "There was this girl in school that told me one day on the playground she didn't like me. This is how I handled it." It is assumptive close, if you will, I have been in your shoes, let me help you.
As a working mother, I understand the difficulties of being exhausted from work and then worrying about your child, but I think a few minutes of alone time, giving her your complete attention, could make a difference. As long as she is talking and not you, then you are getting somewhere.
Gaynor-Marie - posted on 10/08/2012
Tell her next time you are taking her straight to the doctors for a check up and blood test. Chances are if it is an emotional issue she will spill the beans and tell you what is going on. If it is a real issue the doctor can start ruling out things. My daughter was complaining of tummy aches and getting dermatitis we put it down to being a bit stressed as she is an over achiever. We have since found out she has celiac disease when she went of gluten free they both went away.
Melissa - posted on 10/07/2012
I would say someone is being mean to her or has made fun of her for some reason, my son went through that and it was cuz he is a bigger boy and someone had said something to him about it and then he stop eating and his stomach started hurting cuz he was hungry and that is all he did was cry all the time too, and we got down to the bottom of it and talk with him and the teachers too and got through it, so make sure someone ain't bullying her or even just saying something to her, set down and really talk to her and find out what is going on, even if you do have to get professional help to hun.
Sylvia - posted on 10/05/2012
Yeah, something is happening at school that she doesn't want to tell you about. Ten is a tough age for girls -- hormones are ramping up, everybody's mean and gossipy, you never have *exactly* the right clothes ... :P
My DD is 10 also, and I'm also starting to suspect something is going on with her at school ... still trying to get to the bottom of what, exactly, it is. I went through hell at school at this age and I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS have told my mom about it -- but I'm hoping I can convince DD that she doesn't have to feel that way.
Karyn - posted on 10/05/2012
SOMETHING is happening at school,or on the bus, whatever, you have to find out what !!
Get her to talk to you when she is calm & happy and just gently ask her open ended questions.
Then work together to decide what to do about it.
If she knows you are there for her she will come to you in the future.
Shawnn - posted on 10/04/2012
I'm in agreement with Amy. Talk to teachers. Talk to the principal. Explain to your daughter that you cannot come get her every day. Talk to the school nurse (who's the first one that they see when they say they're ill) to find out what she says in there. The nurse should be helping her to deal with some day to day stress, if that's what it is.
Find out what is causing her to think that she needs to play sick to come home. Mine usually did it when they were trying to get out of a class that they hadn't finished homework for.
She needs to learn that she cannot fix problems by running away, and that if she's getting "sick" every day, she needs to address what's bothering her.
Alternatively, you could take the "mean" approach, tell her that the next time she's "sick" you will have a full medical rundown done, complete with bloodwork, to find out why she's "sick" so often. Generally, TONS of confessions start about that time, and you can get to the bottom of things. But, if you keep giving in to her, you're not only teaching her that she can run away from things that she needs to face, but you're also possibly putting your employment in jeopardy by being gone so often.
I used to be up front with my kids. They knew darn good and well what it cost me to come get them from school if they didn't really need me to. I'm the only working parent, because my hubby's disabled, so I broke it down for them in hourly cost. Like I said, mine were actually pretty good, my youngest tends to get "sick" when there's a class that he doesn't want to go to, but he gets over it pretty quickly when he's told to tough it out...and when I ask him later, he'll admit that he just didn't want to go that day.
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