My 10 year old sweet girl spent the night w/ her BF who watched porn on the computer all night

Brooke - posted on 10/03/2010 ( 35 moms have responded )

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she confided in me mostly because she DOES not feel comfortable talking about sex with her friends....so how do i handle this.....the other girls mom has NO IDEA how obsessed with sex she is. I am especially concerned because the overtly sexual behavior might mean she has been violated in some way by a predator. How do I tell her mom without losing my own daughters trust and faith in me ? She told me in confidence, of course, and our ability to communicate so openly would forever be scarred. Is it worth it? what does anyone else think or suggest I do? I have to put my relationship with my daughter first no matter what, we have worked so hard to be able to talk openly and freely about anything that she may be going through, or worried about, and pressure , sex, emotions and hormones etc. etc. etc.

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Ellen - posted on 10/03/2010

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Angie, really? We ask our kids permission to talk to another adult and if we don't get that permission then we let it drop? Who is in charge here?

Kim - posted on 10/03/2010

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Wow! I'm in shock and awe. My son is 10yrs old and I don't think he know what sex is yet. I would talk to your daughter and tell her your concerns. I would let her know that by no means are you telling her mother to get her in trouble, but that you are worried that something might have happened and that is why she watches those videos. I would see how your daughter feels about informing the other parent. She may be okay with it once you explain why you are concerned. Good Luck! Let me know how it goes.

Jennifer - posted on 10/05/2010

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You need to talk to the mom about this. At least let the mom know that you will not allow things like that to be viewed by your daughter. As far a your relationship with your daughter, all I can say is if she gets upset with you it won't be the first time, or the last. There will be many more issues that will come up and she will be mad at you a lot and probly not tell you everything. She will always love you and she will one day soon understand why you did what you did. But you also need to tell your daughter that you are going to talk to her friends mom. Say something like "I am happy you told me what you and so and so did the other night, but it really bothers mom that you saw stuff like that. What you saw is for adults only, and I really need to talk to so and so's mom about it because it was not ok". Also reassure her that she is not in trouble and she did the right thing telling you even if it doesnt seem like it now. Good luck to you.

Becky - posted on 10/03/2010

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I'm in agreement here. Keep things open with your daughter, but you have to talk to the other girls mom too. That's not something that should be kept secret. When I found pretend letters my daughter & her friend had written about sex, I called the other girls mom on the spot. I stayed calm and my daughter sat right next to me as I spoke with her friends mother so she knew exactly what I said & how I said it. She understood that while what they had done was not appropriate for all kinds of reasons we talked about later, neither one of them was in trouble for being curious or playing pretend like they were adults writing adult letters.
She was immediately terrified when I told her I was calling her friends mother . . . so much so in fact she had a difficult time telling me which friend had written the letters. But onces she heard (at least my side of the conversation) she was ok that I had done it. I think she had been afraid I wouldn't let her play with that friend anymore. Once she realized that the mothers were talking out of concern for both our daughters instead of anger . . . she was willing to talk to me about everything!

Alarise - posted on 10/04/2010

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Ellen,I totally agree with you.There is no way I will be asking my daughter for permission.
Bottom Line: IM THE MUM & SHE IS MY RESPONSIBILITY UNTIL SHE IS 18!!

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35 Comments

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SARINA - posted on 08/18/2011

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Being as this was posted a year ago... I was wondering what you ended up doing and if you can offer any suggestions on kids this age dealing with sex.

Angie - posted on 08/16/2011

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For your daughter's sake, stay away from that friend and that family. She told you in confidence. By telling the parents you don't know what could happen. They could blame your daughter, etc.

User - posted on 08/14/2011

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Ok Moms......Now you've been warned, it can happen to your daughter. Go ahead and help her make a plan as to what to do if she is spending the night w BF and anything like this happens. Talk to your DD before it happens!!!!!

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Ok. First off I am sorry to say MOST kids know what sex is from friends, television, and games. As for your daughter, your relationship with her, and your choice. I can only say what I would do with my own daughters. Personally I would trust that if my daughter came to me with concerns like yours did I would do as much sex education as I could with her. Since I am a nurse I have quick and easy access to whatever information I want but you can find it on the net as well. I wouldn't get "gross" on "how" it is done just explain the technicalities of both the male and female bodies as well as show her what can happen to girls if they become sexually active to young. You can look up all sorts of skin conditions, diseases, and trash can babies online. I would probably push it just enough to shock her a little then wait for her to come back with more questions and answer them honestly.
IF my daughter didn't want me to talk to her friends moms I wouldn't. That would be a breach of my daughters trust. Let the other mother worry about her child. I am sorry and I know that will not go over well with a lot of parents but I am totally involved with my girls and we DO NOT allow computers or electronics of any kind in their rooms.
I am not sure if this will help but I would encourage to do research and just follow your gut. Don't allow any of us to make you feel you have to go one way or another.

good luck and god bless

Amalea - posted on 10/07/2010

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I really think you should discuss with your daughter that something needs to be said. Then you should definitely bring up the issue with the other kids mom. And while I hate to say this, no more staying the ngiht at that girls house! wtf where are the parents while these girls are on the INTERNET watching pornography all night!!! I would be pretty angry if I were you. Children have so few years of innocence, and this little friend of hers has taken it away in a very bad way.

Stacey - posted on 10/06/2010

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short and simple i would suggest not letting your daughter sleep over her house anymore. I would tell the other girls parents and suggest they get some sort of Child lock from those type of websites on their computer.

Liz - posted on 10/06/2010

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i was ur child in the very same sceneriao , i was told by my mam too tell my friend if she didnt tell her mother about the porn watching and watever else that in 3 days my mam would tell hers, it worked when she seen my mam was actually going down to approach her mother she stopped and said il tell her now, she did that and the gates opened she told everything she needed to. hope this helps

Staci - posted on 10/06/2010

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Perhaps mention something to their teacher? If the teacher picks up on cues about possible abuse, the teacher is obligated to report it. And that keeps you from being in the center of it. If abuse IS happening, it could be coming from the home (relative, family friend) and the mother may be in denial.



Beyond that - your daughter will need to understand that some things are bigger and can't be kept a secret between you & her. If someone might be in danger, that is a good example of when you cannot keep her confidence.

Rebecca - posted on 10/06/2010

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i have had to deal with kids telling stuff that they want to be a secret -- i always say in such situations that i am the grown up and they need to trust that i am in a better position than they to handle the situation, so they should let me handle it.

you should explain to your daughter why you want to talk to the other child's mother, but this should NEVER be asking your daughter for permission -- she needs to know that it's everyone's responsibility to look out for the safety of kids.

altho your daughter is uncomfortable, she probably told you not to just open communication but so that you can take action.

while you are about it you should brainstorm with her what she can do if she ends up in a similar situation again ... it's good problem solving practice for her. also start thinking of other scenarios she might find herself in and brainstorm with her BEFORE they happen, so that she is equipped to deal with dark turns of events.

Treva - posted on 10/06/2010

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There is software out there that can record the computers history, my kids' dad had a program on it when they were younger that took a picture of the page they were on every few seconds. You can use McAfee to block certain pages as well. I would have her mother look into some sort of software that let's her know what her daughter is doing.

Diane - posted on 10/06/2010

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I agree to meet w/the Mom ASAP in person w/no children present. Although your daughter has been exposed to this she does not need to hear/be involved in an adult conversation regarding this. That is strictly the parent's job. There are blocks parents can put on TV's, computers...

Christan - posted on 10/06/2010

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I do completely understand why you would be worried about hurting you and your daughters relationship! And anyone who says that doesnt matter will one day understand why it does! I feel the same way about my kids. I want them to be able to come to me with issues and questions about sex, drugs, alcohol, or anything else they are curious about! I didnt have an open relationship with my mother and i know how i handled that...rebeling and going behind her back!! SOme of you talk about being a strict parent, you have no idea how strict my mom was and I still got around her!! Your kids will too. If you cant have a open relationship with your kids then you will never honestly know what they are doing or who they are doing it with!
However, I do think that you are in a bit of a bind! The other girls mom does need to know about it. That could definately be something serious!! So I do think that you should sit down with your daughter and explain why you are so concerned for her friend and let her listen to the conversation with the other mother so that she doesnt feel like you betrayed her and yet the other mother can be notified of the situation.
As for those of you that say " I am the mom so it doesnt matter what my kid says" you might want to think twice about that because the next time something like that happens in your childs presence, they wont be running to tell you anything about it if they feel like you will just cause problems for them. So then you wont have a clue what is going on in their lives unless you put a wire on them and lock them in their rooms! Just a little advice!
But Brooke, good luck with this. I really hope that things work out for you. I know how stressful that can be!

Veronica - posted on 10/06/2010

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Hi! I have a 10 year old and he doesn't even think about that right now. I might be a bit over protective but I always monitor my son when he is on the computer. If the girl's parents are not doing that and they are unsupervised then I think your daughter should slowly back away from being friends with this girl. Being on the computer watching porn "all night" and being 10 years old to me is something serious. I would talk to the girl's mother in a way that you would not lose your daughter's trust.

Amanda - posted on 10/06/2010

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10 is way too young to be having sex anyways..I mean come one, what is that 5th grade???? You need to tell the Mother regardless of what your child wants. You are the parent and it is your responsibilty to show your child what is right.

That girl could be in danger....10 is very early to be sexually active and you never know what might be going on with this girl at home or with this boyfriend situation..Seriously, I wonder if the Mom even knows shes acting out like this and spending the night with boys.

Deepti - posted on 10/06/2010

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You should definitely let the other mom know..it will hurt your daughter( for a while), it will affect her friendship with her friend and the other mom might also be in denial, but the fact remains that a 10 yr old is not just curious but engrossed in sex. This has to be taken seriously and you might even be helping that little girl .

Kim - posted on 10/05/2010

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Cherie,
I didn't mean that my child is not exposed to sex bc we are military. I simply meant that bc his friends are of a variety of ages and bc one of us mothers is always supervising them that I feel he has less pressure. Most of my sons friends are between the ages of 7-10 because these are our direct neighbors. I know that he has probably heard things about sex on the playground from an older teenager loitering, but I am a very proactive parent. When I would go to the playground with all of my children I would tell the teenagers to leave. There is no reason for 14-15 year olds to be sitting on a playground designed for children 5-10. I also would report them to our housing office if I heard them talking about anything inappropriately that includes sex, profanity or drugs. Since we lived in such a small community I knew which kid belonged to what parent. The housing office would regularly notify their parents. I also have called the police to report them for loitering if I asked them to leave and they didn't listen. I live in the US so beginning in the 5th grade they started having "health" class that explains their bodies and the changes of puberty. I can honestly say my son doesn't know what sex actually is. He thinks its when a boy and girl kiss. He has no idea that it involves his penis and he is even less clueless as to what is a vagina. My son is sheltered. I don't let him watch movies that are inappropriate and for the most part he was Nickolodeon.

Cherie - posted on 10/05/2010

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Hi Kimberly, I grew up on military bases. Military kids are doing and talking about the same things at this age as civies are. I Remember a lot of the older kids on the bus one day asking me and my sister if we were virgins. I also know that my 15 year old male babysitter got caught watching porn when my parents got home. That was before the net. The curiosity is always there at this age. If my parents waited to tell us about the birds and bees until 7th grade, it would have been way too late. Sex is everywhere. They see it and they think about it, even if they are too shy to come talk to adults about it. I personally had the talk with my daughter when she was 6.5 because she needed to hear the facts before her friends started sharing the wrong information. Also, they have a living and growing class here in the UK which is shown in year 4/ 4th grade. The kids are 8-9 years old when that is going on, then they come out on the playground talking about it to the little ones. That also happened to my daughter- she was 5 when the big girls were talking about sex to her. Sorry if I am rambling a bit, but I am worried about everyone getting the wrong info. These days its impossible to avoid.

Chrissy - posted on 10/05/2010

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I agree with everyone who posted, talk to this girls mother and let her know what happened. But makes me wonder how and where she would have seen the site in the first place? Maybe the older sister or another influence? I agree with Dara, let your daughter know that sex is not like that at all, but give her the option to be this girls' friend or not to be, you can't choose who she will be friends with.

Dara - posted on 10/05/2010

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That's a scary situation! I would talk to the kid's parents, and echoing everyone else here, I would let your daughter know why. I would also tell her that what she saw was not what sex should really be about, and it might be time to have a real candid discussion (if you haven't already...which you probably have) about sex...what it is, why we do it and when it is appropriate. I would not let her go to that friend's house anymore, for sure.

Treva - posted on 10/05/2010

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My kids are 18, 16 & 13 & we've always talked to them like adults. Don't tell her you're going to tell the girls mom, sit her down & tell her to just listen. Tell her you need to tell the girls mom because she could end up hurt one day if some weirdo finds her. Just looking at pictures at a young age leads to more intense things as she gets older. Ask her if she herself would feel comfortable looking at those pictures but inside the girl is reaching out for help. When my daughter was 13 she quit talking to me much less having anything to do with the family. I thought it was just a teenage thing.. I was way off. When she was 15, she got pregnant & I was the most strick parent you would ever see. I always wanted to know where she was, with who, & when she was coming home. Funny thing was the only time she ever went out was with the church. Anyway, don't just let this go & say I don't want to hurt your relationship with your daughter. Just tell her that her friends mom needs to know for her own daughters safety.

Desiree - posted on 10/05/2010

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Why don't you get the mothers together for a Lunch or Tea. no Kids allowed and then bring it up as a hypothetical senario, then you can all discuss it without anyone else knowing who you are talking about and let them hear everyones opinion that way you haven't lost your child faith either. Explain to the other moms that you are a bit concerned about how sex is taking over the childrens lives and you feel that the moms need to talk so as to know what is happening around them. and to talk to eacj other about the problems they may face in the future and then you bring up this story as a Hypothetical for instance. You never know i may work and you won't have lost your daughters confidence. Good luck.

Judith - posted on 10/04/2010

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Talk to the girls Mom- there is a problem and I think your right about a predator. If Mom doesn't listen call Child services. This is a real problem at that age she should still be innocent.

Julie - posted on 10/04/2010

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your communication with your daughter would not be scarred if you told her that no matter what she tells you it is in confidence and you would never betray that unless you thought it was absolutely necessary and this is one of those necessary cases. the childs mother needs to know.

Kim - posted on 10/04/2010

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I don't think my son has had the same pressures from peers about sex, but that might be because of our community and his school.. We live in a military community so his friends that he plays with on a daily basis are our neighbors. If one parent is not out watching them, I am confident that another parent is out monitoring what is going since most of us are stay at home moms. I do know that at our last duty station there was one child that lived in civilian housing across the street from us. He was poorly supervised by his parents and for the most part was raised by his 15 yr old brother. I do fear that my son may have gotten some bad information from him. This other boy was constantly online surfing the internet. My son isn't allowed online unless I'm in the room with him so that I can monitor his use. Also, my son just turned 10 yrs old so he just entered the 4th grade because he missed the cut off by 2 weeks to start a year earlier. I think if he was in 5th grade there would be more pressure. I just can't believe how young kids grow up now a days. In 7th grade I was still unaware of what sex was, but now alot of 7th graders have already had sex...it's scary!

Julianne - posted on 10/03/2010

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your relationship with your daughter will heal but this other little girl could be in very real danger and that should be your first responsibility. that she is sexually acting out at 10 means that something is very very wrong and you should not only contact her mother but the school counselor as well. i understand you want to be able to be friends with your daughter and have this wonderful relationship, and i am truly glad you have it and understand how much you want to protect it but right now you have to be the grown up and protect this other child. as a mom of two girls i dont think i could even let my child over to this little girls home again unsupervised.

Ellen - posted on 10/03/2010

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First you should know that watching pornography at age 10 does not indicate sexual abuse. Second, of course you have to tell this girl's mom. This is not putting your relationship with your daughter second. It is teaching your daughter right from wrong which is your primary role as a mother. If you do not tell this girl's mother you are giving your daughter the message that this behavior is safe. And she will be doing it next.

Angie - posted on 10/03/2010

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There'd be hell to pay if anyone did that to my daughter. I suggest she not visit that friend anymore. I doubt that your daughter will be comfortable with that friend anymore and breaking that tie might not be as difficult as you think., Ask her if she would allow you to speak with her friend's mother because you are afraid her friend might be hurt by her behavior. If she doesn't give you permission let it drop and encourage her to find a different friend. At the very least let her know that she is no longer allowed to go to that home.

Brooke - posted on 10/03/2010

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Thank you so much!!

Her friend is using her older (17) yr old sisters computer, mostly when mom is not home. I also find the kids with older brothers and sisters of the same gender are the leaders of the "pack" ,they want to be authorities on the subject and thats where things get started and information comes from...porn, facebook pages, explicit chat rooms and websites but worst of all is the spread MISinformation. They can use their phones now as well, at school and since most have internet connect on them and can use them after school.

Brooke - posted on 10/03/2010

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Thank you for your thoughts Kimberly, I just joined the "circle" last night....and I almost couldnt sleep because I wanted to see if anyone replied...this is really disconcerting and I in no way ever try to let my dd (is that dear daughter?) think I am shocked or surprised, and this piece of info was related to me while driving...man I was lucky she couldnt see my face!! come to think of it she has been opening up in the car more often, and also on walks, it is probably easier on her not to have direct eye contact when she is sooo uncomfortable....my smart girl, hmmmm....looks like I will be taking alot more walks this year ;)

you mentioned you have a 10 yr old son, I wonder if he has similar issues? sex and pressure from friends to grow up too fast?

The majority of kids in my dg's (DEAR GIRL?) age group have been openly and candidly talking about sex since 4th grade (last year). I know that 5 girls in my daughters class started their periods last year, and alot of early hormonal changes have been difficult, and just too soon for those poor girls...Maya's teacher was not even aware of the #1 choice of conversation on the yard- SEX: curiosity and over sexualization of her young students in any case she was shocked (to say the least). Most of the kids live with divorce or a missing parent. So alot less supervision on the internet, and cable (even most of the network shows) could be a major contributing factor. Who knows....but I am trying to shelter my daughter from the pressures of growing up too fast because she has only a short time left to be a kid kid. Again thank you, I appreciate your time and supportiveness. :)

[deleted account]

I agree with Kim you need to explain to your daughter why you need to tell her friends mom about this behavior. I would want to know where she even learned to look up porn on the internet...

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