my 4yr old cries to get her way!

Lindsay - posted on 11/21/2010 ( 24 moms have responded )

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i have a 4 yr old step daughter. she is very smart and very good. Except when it comes to getting her way! she throws tantrums when she doesnt get what she wants or cries when she knows she does something wrong but lies about doing it. needless to say she acts as tho she is spoiled. Any suggestions on how to handle these types of situations? I feel as tho i have tried everything. from sitting her down and talking to her, to toys taken from her, even tried a chart offering rewards if she gets so many happy faces by the end of the week.

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Ellen - posted on 12/09/2010

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Don't talk to her until she's through with her tantrum. She's testing you to get what she wants. You need to ignore her completely when she's having a meltdown. When she realizes that you're not giving in, she will stop that behavior.

Angela Lynette - posted on 12/08/2010

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THIS WORKED FOR ME WHEN SHE TOLD A LIE OR BLACKMAILED IN ANYWAY I TAPED IT THEN INSTEAD OF GETTING ANNOYED I GRINNED OF COURSE SHE WONDERED WHY I TOLD HER I HAD TAPED IT AND IT WAS GOING TO HER MOTHER NAN THE TOOTH FAIRY AND SANTA ,BECAUSE ALL THESE PEOPLE WERE IMPORTANT TO HER SHE WAS VERY CONCERNED AT BEING CAUGHT OUT BY THEM IF U CANT TAPE HER TELL HER U HAVE THIS HAS WORKED NOT JUST ON HER BUT 3 OF MY FREAINDS KIDS

Angela Lynette - posted on 12/08/2010

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THIS WORKED FOR ME WHEN SHE TOLD A LIE OR BLACKMAILED IN ANYWAY I TAPED IT THEN INSTEAD OF GETTING ANNOYED I GRINNED OF COURSE SHE WONDERED WHY I TOLD HER I HAD TAPED IT AND IT WAS GOING TO HER MOTHER NAN THE TOOTH FAIRY AND SANTA ,BECAUSE ALL THESE PEOPLE WERE IMPORTANT TO HER SHE WAS VERY CONCERNED AT BEING CAUGHT OUT BY THEM IF U CANT TAPE HER TELL HER U HAVE THIS HAS WORKED NOT JUST ON HER BUT 3 OF MY FREAINDS KIDS

Tabitha - posted on 12/04/2010

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I have a five year old little girl who is about to trun six in two weeks. She still throws her fits. I just go on about my day, as if I don't hear her. Then she stops. It has become like a game, who wins. I have come to learn that I win the battle if I don't give her what she wants. So she ends up going to her room crying about something dumb. When she is over her self then we set down and talk about what she did wrong. I am trying to teach her that she will get more stuff if she acts good and sweet. I mean when I was her age I knew I was cute and I use to be a sweet as I could be to be what I wanted. My mother would always say that you can catch more flies with honey. Good luck, try your best to not give in.

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I am going through that now. 1st and most important I learned from my oldest IGNORE THE TANTRUMS once she realizes they don't get her what she wants they will stop. as for the lying I give both my girls a time out if I don't know who did it to begin with (my older one is 9 and she lies too) they don't have a set amount of minutes they sit there until someone tells me the truth which usually happens in the 1st minute or so. Once I get the truth the other one gets to go play while the one who did it either does a time out or fixes it. Though I can watch my 4 year old do something and she will blame it on her daddy (he is in Iraq therefore he can't deny he did it he also couldn't have done it) so I give her a time out which seems to have made the lies come farther apart and fewer but she still does it just not as often. As for a rewards system I bought 2 glass jars (one for each kid) let them decorate them and made a list of all the things they r supposed to do (for example brush teeth get dressed) and every time they do it I give them a stone (the decorative one people use in fish tanks and vases) on the other hand if they don't do something or r bad they lose a stone so when my 4 year old answers back I take a stone away.That really makes her mad because they don't a reward til the jar is full (usually takes about a month)

Milla - posted on 12/02/2010

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That is a lot of good advicde! Choose wisely and see what works best for you and your children. Something that has worked for someone else may not work for your child, thats what I found out, therefore you may have to try different things and find the disciplining practice that works for your child. Most importantly don't give up on discipline, now is where you need to set boundaries with the little girl, and she will love you for it later on. But again i say don't give in to her tantrums, explain to her that is not the way you get things, you simply will not tolerate it, she needs to act responsibly and ask nicely when she wants something. Again, just keep on keeping on, it will work as long as you don't give up, Kids will keep trying us parents until they realize that we have learned to say NO and mean it, stick with it.
Also when forbidding a child to do something it must be within reason, you must be able to give them a reasonable explanation that they will understand, once they understand what is bad about that, they should be able to make the right choice themselves. After all that is the goal for us as parents is to teach kids about good and bad, right and wrong, good and evil, so that they themselves can make the right choices. When they are younger you teach them, as they get older let them make the decision, supervise them along, deffinately praise them when they make the right choice, and you will see your children bloom.

I have a 7 year old daughter and 4 year old son, I talk to them a lot explain things to them, and I am so amazed at how well they understand things, how quickly they pick it up, and they use the knowledge they have to make right choices!

Good luck to all the moms out there! =)

Heather - posted on 12/01/2010

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Good suggestions above. Also remember to give positive reinforcement. When she does behave the way she should, praise, praise, praise her for it.

Tina - posted on 11/30/2010

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stop giving in to her!! Let her cry....when she has the tantrums or whatever she does, tell her to go on a time out!!! But let it be in your sight so that you can make sure she is not playing while on time out!! Keep tkaing toys away and hopefully it will help you :) Good luck!!! But also remember to give some toys back when she does something good ;)

Joanne - posted on 11/30/2010

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Children need to be trained on what is and what isn't acceptable behaviuor. Yesterday i heard of a 40yr old women who broke down and cried for an afternoon at work because things didn't go her way! So this isn't soemthing she'll grow out of! I'd suggest using timeout but differently. Whenever she displays unwanted behaviour just find a chair in the room you are in and plonk her on it till she controls herself and chooses to change her beahiour. Once she can speak in the tone you accept etc she can rejoin you. We even used this at a friend's party. One of our children was moaning non stop so I just pulled a chair to oneside of the group and turned it away from us and plonked her on it. After 2 min she stopped moaning and went to play with the other kids. Be warned however that the first time she may scream for an hour - ours did the first time but they soon learn all it takes is a choice on their part and they can rejoin you all.

Gina - posted on 11/29/2010

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I agree with the 'ignore her' advice, but I feel something needs to be added. Children throw fits because it's the only way they know to get what they want, or at least the most effective way. Teach her the correct way to go about getting what she wants. Ignoring her will help to remove the inappropriate behavior, but you need to help her replace it with an appropriate one. Obviously she can't always get what she wants, even if she asks nicely, but if she sometimes gets a yes with nice behavior and never gets a yes with negative behavior, she will get it eventually.

Christina - posted on 11/29/2010

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Childeren need to know there boundaries. They will try to find it by having a fit to get there way. My oldest now 17 years she wanted a toy in the store I said no. She started to have a fit. I walked away from her. She quit having the fit. She used to bang her head on the door and the wall if she did not get her way. I asked the doctor about this he said ignore her, but keep an eye on her in case she does something stupid. The last time she banged her head we were moving she banged her head on the step onthe step out side. She looked at me and said , " ouch ". I asked if she would like to do it again. She looked at me as if I was nuts. And said no. She never did it again. Your chart sounds grate. But to a 4 year old a week is a ling time. Try going day by day. So this way anything bad that happen yesterday stays as yesterday and today is a new day. I hope this can help.

Kelly - posted on 11/27/2010

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My 9 year old has learned the power of guilt trips..... I know it's hard to ignore them, but it really does work. Persistance is key. If you cave once then that's the lesson they learn...
Good luck!!

Jeanet - posted on 11/25/2010

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My daughter is 4 and she tries that. Ignoring it works for me. I just leave the room she's in and let her get on with it. Doesn't take long for her to realise she's got no attention. If we're out and I can't leave her I'll just turn my back and ignore her. Might be worth a try. Good luck and stay strong.

Suzanne - posted on 11/25/2010

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we use the line " WHEN YOUR DONE I'LL BE BE OVER THERE READY TO TALK ABOUT IT " it took a bit but when he never got the reaction he wanted it stoped very quick. i had a freind who got down on the floor and copied the tantrum kick for kick scream for scream, the child after about 2 minutes looked at him and very calmly said you look silly his reply... SO DO YOU that was the last tamtrum she ever had. a couple ideas hope it helps, just remember giving in adds to the problem

Lyn - posted on 11/24/2010

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You should nip this now. You and dad need to present a united front. You both have to be on the same page. When my 4 yr old starts his hissy fit i simply pick him up put him in his room and tell him when you are ready to act like a big boy then you may come out. If we are out say like Walmart and he or his 7 yr old brother throw a "i gotta have it" fit we simply leave the store PROMPTLY and don't go back in. If i am by myelf then i will go back when my husband gets home. I also lay out the rules before we go into ANY store. I usually do this before we get out of the car! "If you allow me to get everything done that i need to get done in here you may have 1 item under 5.00" Most days this works. Keep consistant. Good Luck. Keep up the good work momma.

Lindsay - posted on 11/23/2010

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thanks kat i appreciate the advice. it always hard for dad to punish daddys little girl. i know it was with my dad. especially with those big brown eyes looking at you. but he is getting better and so is she, thank you everyone! its nice to be able to get opinions from other moms!

Kat - posted on 11/23/2010

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Talk with your husband and tell him your plan of ignoring her outragous attention getting behaviour. She will get more demanding to test the two of you resolve, but walk to a differnt room from where she is showboating (sometimes your bedroom is a retreat). She will catch on that she isn't bothering anyone but herself. Then when she is calm you can talk about feelings and the best way to express them. Usually, kids lie because of a feared consenquence real or imagined -- good luck with that.

Lindsay - posted on 11/23/2010

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thank you all very much! it is working and im starting to get him trained as well ;)

Patty - posted on 11/23/2010

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yup, ignore her. Tell her that she will not get what she wants if she acts like that that, and ignore her. And, equally important is to make sure your husband is consistent as well.

Lindsay - posted on 11/22/2010

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i have been trying to do the same and it seems to be working. thank you for your advice and support! i appreciate it very much

Angie - posted on 11/22/2010

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Kids find out buttons and push them. My youngest, who is 10, gives me a look with her big brown eyes that make it hard for me to be tough. I've learned to walk out of the room, laugh, and then come back in. She's learned that it's best if I deal with it immediately instead of leaving the room!

Lindsay - posted on 11/21/2010

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thanks i have been trying that too. its starting to work a little. she is great when its just me but when daddy is home... thats a different story!

Angie - posted on 11/21/2010

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Ignore her. Never let her have her way when she acts that way. She is trying to get attention and as long as you give it to her - in any way, she's in charge...

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