My 8 year old has trouble making friends. Any suggestions?

Dianna - posted on 05/04/2013

Hi! I am new to the "Circle of Moms" and this is my first post... I am having similar problems with my 6 year old (1st grader)... He reminds me so much of myself as a young girl trying so hard to make friends... He sometimes tends to "overdo" it and gets a little too close (when a friend has a game or a book) he has a hard time with personal space. He also has a hard time understanding that sometimes kids don't want to play. He is super smart (not autistic spectrum, at least not that I am aware of) He tries to play (while waiting for the bus in the AM) with kids that you can tell don't really want to play with him he has a "HOT/COLD" relationship with another boy (K) age that sometimes plays with him but sometimes again doesn't really want to play... It breaks my heart but doesn't seem to phase him he just tries harder... I want to watch him at recess sometime and see how he does (without him knowing)

JS - posted on 04/08/2013

HI there! I am so happy to find this thread, as my 9 yr old daughter is in the same situation. A few months ago we moved to Las Vegas from SWFL as my husband's company relocated us here. It was a difficult transition for us because we didn't know anyone here. LM (my daughter) was so desperate to meet new kids and make local friends, and at first she loved school and was welcomed warmly by her classmates. After a month in her new school she was telling me that no one in her class wanted to play with her or hang out.
I know my kid, and realized part of the problem was how she would approach kids - very outgoing and enthusiastic - she tends to try 'too'hard' and also being sensitive, she feels hurt when the other kids back away from her. She went from being an honor student in her old school to being in danger of failing 3rd grade this year for not handing in assignments - a HUGE difference, and I realized that the social issues at school were taking up a lot of her headspace and she was forgetting about work because she's been stressing about making friends. The teacher told me the same thing you've heard - she seems to get along with her classmates and is kind and caring. But at lunch she sits alone, and at recess she plays with a couple of kids not in her class. She made friends with a couple of kids in our complex, but they recently moved to the other side of town. With her grades slipping, we grounded her from tv and computer till she got caught up, but I know how deeply lonely she felt and I lost much sleep over worrying.

These are some things I have found really helped: I bought a copy of "Raising your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, and it gave me some excellent insight into LM's temperament as well as my own. I also reread "The Friendship Factor: Helping Children Navigate their Social World" by Kenneth Rubin, which had superb guidance for how to help kids interact socially. I figured out that I was taking things harder than she was, and by changing how I dealt with things, it helped LM to relax more.

Connie - posted on 04/06/2013

My daughter has the exact same issues. It breaks my heart and truly feel at a loss of what to do. Teacher doesn't see it. In class she seems to be fine socially. At the lunch tables she can't seem to fit in and the playground is really hard for her. I get the feeling my daughter is a nervous Nellie...so if the kids do something wrong or outside the rules she will quickly tell them what they are doing wrong. That's my guess...the girls don't want to be parented by her. Lol. I try to explain she has to go with the flow more but I think GOD has made her this way from birth and its very hard to change her. I feel your pain. My daughter breaks down every so often and its REALLY hard. How old is your daughter? I heard the idea of pen pal. Maybe they can email each other. Just a thought. Good luck.

Eric Serge - posted on 03/24/2013

Hello Theresa!
I am sorry entering the circle of mum. I am a dad and have worries for my little girl who is in similar situation as yours. I was looking over the web what advise I can get to help her. My daughter will often go very shy and quiet when other little girls around. We went swimming birthday party yesterday she end up crying in the pool because no one wanted to play with her. She woke up this morning crying that at swimming no one ever play with her and the same at school. I have spoken to the teacher who say she is trying hard but my heart keep sinking when she tell me the way everyone avoid playing with her. I am looking how to help I am sure been around mum like you and other we can find the right solution. Please if any advice or tip available I will be gratefull to try them
Eric Serrge

Tammy - posted on 02/25/2013

Well ladies it sounds like all are children are acting the way a 7 or 8 year olds is suppose to act. I think maybe my daughter is over reacting, because she is an only child. Her need to have a best friend is so great, that she doesn't pay attention to the somewhat friends.

I wonder if I'm contributing to these feelings. Maybe not, her life is going to be different then mine, because I had two sisters. All though we never got along, and too this day we are not close, Ill just keep positive for my daughter and remind her that God has a very special friend for her, and they will meet one day, but in the mean time just have fun.

This of course is a work in progress!! )

Jakki - posted on 02/25/2013

Ladies ladies! We are all feeling the pain :(

JOanne I feel so bad for your daughter too.

We have had the worst couple of weeks ever. Due to my son's social issues we decided to change schools two weeks ago - it was such a hard decision. He is now finding the new school really hard and every night he cries and cries about it. I have had so many sleepness nights and keep wondering what to do. He is seeing a counsellor but it makes little difference.

Gah>....

Joanne - posted on 02/24/2013

I have just read this and I feel relieved. I'm sorry about your daughter and how upset you are with the situation, but you have just described my daughters life! I have had a n hour of her sobbing tonight about going back to school after half term. You are right I think girls at this age want to play one on one, my daghter tries to join in but they are not interested. They make promises who they sit by at lunch and my daughter ends up sitting alone! It breaks my heart. She came to me the other day and said mum I havnt got a best friend and I'm not in a group, I had to fight the tears, I told her I was her best friwnd.

Hope this gives you some comfort that you are not alone, and that there are other mums and daughters going through exactly the same. X


.M

Janet - posted on 02/10/2013

Hi I have a similar problem my dauhter is in year 5 and has a friend in year 6 but she does not always want to play with my daughter she has other friends my daughter cannot get her head around that I have told her to play with girls in her own class as this girl will not be there after july anyway I know she is infatuated with this girl which can be common in girls aged 9 to 10 but i believe it is affecting her friendship with other girls so like yourself i get a lot of picking her up from school saying upset very angry things like hadno one to play with today I was walking around the playground on my own and I think to myself oh my god my poor girl I do think that at this age they make things bigger than they actually are but I will mention this to my daughters teacher as I have in the past. You can only do what you can do they do have to find things out for themselves a lot of the times and it sounds like she has other interests that she enjoys try not to worry to much. From one worried parent to another : )

Teresa - posted on 02/06/2013

Hi,

I'm new to this group. I have an 8 year old girl in 2nd grade. I was reading about girls having trouble fitting in with other girls at school. My daughter is also having those same problems. I spoke with her teacher this morning and was told that my little girl is trying too hard to fit in and find friends. Her teacher says that she is not the problem and is constantly playing what the other girls want, but that is not good enough. the girls are demanding and mean. These girls are welcoming one day and rejecting her the next. My poor little girl feels that she needs to buy their friendship. She has asked me to buy BFF bracelets for them all (which I won't do). One little girl seems to control them all. She tells them when, where and who to play with. I just ordered the book "The Care and Keeping of Friends" - An American Girl Book. I have read other American Girl books with my daughter and they seem to be geared towards self confidence and have good advice for girls. Hopefully it will help a little. I'm at a loss.

I like the idea of a pen pal. If anyone has a girl the age of my daughter, maybe we could arrange something.

Thanks,

Teresa

Amanda - posted on 02/04/2013

Tammy, I know exactly what you mean. I wish my daughter would find that kindred spirit too because I know she longs to have a best friend. I'm not sure what advice to give you because we still struggle. As I've said before, it has seemed to me that things have gotten a little better in 4th grade but if I ask her about friends or the way kids treat her then it's usually negative & she tells me she doesn't have any friends.

Jakki...that sounds like my daughter too. I can see her beating her head against the wall as well trying to be friends with other girls. She finds out that these girls are invited to each other's birthday parties, have sleepovers, go to the movies or other outings together, even something as simple as calling each other on the phone, but she is never invited. No one has ever called my daughter. I know a lot of parents are probably thinking I'm lucky because their phone is ringing off the hook! LOL Actually, it's probably all texting now & instead of wishing they'd get off the phone, they're probably wishing they'd put their phone down! :-) But I would love for her to feel like and know that she has friends that care about her and want to talk to her and do things with her.
And I know what you mean about not knowing how much is their fault, their friends, or what because I wonder the same thing. Her teachers tell me that she is kind, caring, and helpful to both her peers and adults. They never seem to notice a problem. But I can't be there at school and I don't know if she's being bossy or doing something else to make them turn away from her. I really don't see that happening but I have tried to tell her "just in case" that is the problem that she needs to go with the flow sometimes and play what the others want to play, etc. but also to not be walked on and used. I've tried to tell her that good friends take turns, and think about each others feelings...it's give and take just like any good relationship should be. I really think a lot of her problem is that she gets so excited & tries too hard when she is around other kids that they think she's crazy! LOL I do think that has improved somewhat and maybe that's why this year seems a little better? I don't know. I wish I had the answers.

Karen, thanks for the advice. This year during fall basketball they had to combine the 4th & 5th grade teams and my daughter told me that she was sitting with the 5th graders at lunch and they really welcomed her. I thought that was great but my only concern was that those kids will be gone next year and will go to the junior high school and she'll still be at the elementary school. But I didn't discourage it, I just told her that was great but to also to continue to try to build friendships with the 4th grade kids too. Eventually she told me she was back to sitting with the 4th grade again but it's nice to know that she was welcomed by them and made friends with them. :-)

Thanks ladies! Feel free to chat with me anytime. It's nice to know we're not alone in this & it's great to bounce ideas off of each other! Hoping things improve for our kiddos!

Karen - posted on 02/03/2013

Something that I have learned this year with my 4th grader is that expanding her horizons of friends has been very helpful. Her BF is the same age but goes to another school. We get together as often as possible. At school her closest friends are in the grade behind (if they are girls) but honestly she plays with the boys mostly. She asked me why and I said that that was because you like being with people who like doing the same things that you do (playing a pretend "fort" game with DD and another girl) rather than being concerned about appearances or where people shop, etc. She also joined Cheer with a squad that is mostly 5th graders and some 6th graders and has been very accepted by the older girls. So, maybe the children are so focused on friends having to be kids their own age or gender that they are missing out on some pretty cool people. Once she expanded her horizons it seems that the social thing got much easier.

Tammy - posted on 02/03/2013

My daughter is stubbron as well, and boy does she like to be heard. I think i expect to much out of her for her age. with that said, i know that her being my only child, I have to watch trying not to have too much "adult size " conversations with her, trying to get her to understand her socialization problems. It is heart breaking to watch this process, but I try to keep our outlook, and conversation positive, since she likes to dwell on he negative things that happen at school.
I have also notice she is a deep thinker, with a big heart. I be talked with her teacher over the way she has meltdowns when she doesn't make 100,s on her spelling tests. Just last week a note came home, saying Ayla refuse to complete her test, because she forgot how to spell one spelling word. After that she told her teacher that she just wanted mommy to be proud of her.

I don't know what's more frustrating, your child not thinking your proud and happy with her or her being stubbron with perfection. I,
I'M at the point that I let her tell me a little about her negative day, so she can get it off her chest, and then I make her tell me some positive things about her day and the kids in her class, ven though that takes the longest.

I think I would remind myself, if I where you that our 7 and 8 year olds are still babies trying to make since of this world. I also remind myself that kids can be crul, exspecially when they dont understand each other. im also coming to an understanding that my daughter feeds, thinks,reacts, and models my behaviors and how i react to what she is telling me. I have to watch myself to not react to harsh with this stage she is in. I also try to combat her negativity with something funny to say right when she starts complaining, like "look at that dog drinking a milkshake" she looks then laughs and tells me I'm crazy. I then have her tell me something positive about the day.

It seems to be redirecting her thinking process a little at a time :)




ilSent from my iPad

Jakki - posted on 02/03/2013

Hi guys - I just reread this thread all the way back to 2011 when it started. It was a very interesting read...but a sad one too. It is really amazing how many of us feel terrible about our children's social problems.

As I already said back in 2011, my son tries soooo hard to make friends - he would do anything to make it happen. I see him beating his head against a wall trying to be friends with a certain couple of boys at school - and then find out that they are having sleepovers at each other's houses and signing up to activities together etc etc, and he is always being left out. We have been tackling the stubbornness thing which I think is his problem (ie not wanting to give way on issues and arguing about rules etc) and I have been getting more direct with him. Just yesterday I told it to him straight - "you can make the choice - either carry on being stubborn and argumentative and having no friends at all, or start to lighten up, give in more, and hope that you'll get some friends". It sounds mean, but I think if I'm too subtle he won't change.

The hard part is knowing how much of his friendlessness is "his fault" or the other kids' faults, or just bad luck. Is this a problem for you guys too?

Tammy - posted on 02/02/2013

Hi amanda,
My daughter acts the same way as yours, I'm a mother of a seven year old beautiful girl. I feel very guilty not having a sibling for, buti'm 39 now and don't think my periods are up to it. We waited 12 years before having our daughter, not because I didnt want to start earlier, but because my husband never seemed ready. Now all I hear is how he regrets we never had another baby. My question is, my seven year old is a prefectionist, and is always trying to make us proud. She has it in her mind that I wouldn't love her as much if she doesn't get 100 on her spelling tests, to the point that she asked her teacher to change her score. We are a very loving, open, active family, and Ayla is told all the time how proud, we are of her no matter what the scores are. She doesn't seem to relate to any kids in her first grade class, and has a hard time being friends with girls it seems. Ayla has a big heart and wants to fix everything and everyone. She is on the bossy side, but in her eyes she is trying to help. We have her in basketball, which she loves and daisy's. I wish she would find a kindred spirited friend. She seems so sad :(. any advice, I just don't know what to do, I may be trying to fix something that only time can do, but my heart is breaking.

thanks Tammy

Paige - posted on 01/24/2013

It is so hard to see the having a difficult time. We recently moved and my daughter gravitated to one little girl who is demanding and very bosses and it has caused issues with her making new friends. The girl she is friendly with is the "odd girl out" and has some issues and the others then make fun of my daughter for being friends with her. My daughter is such a sympathetic soul that she feels bad - but let's her dominate. And when we moved - by chance- the girl lives doors down...

I put my daughter in Girl Scouts, gymnastics and violin - but still no progress. In the last school my daughter was outgoing with a range of friends. Now she seems withdrawn and sad.

I work full time with a long commute and it's hard to socialize.

But I made a big effort to know more moms and set up multiple play dates and it has gradually worked. I had a party for girls to make projects and then invited the parents at pick of for munchies and adult beverages. The more I made myself friends with the families the more she was invited to other events and the more one on one playdates she had.

It took a bit but did work. Good luck to you - so sad to see our little ones struggling.

Sarah - posted on 01/12/2013

@carole - my daughter is 9, she goes to Scouts, learning to ski, on school council. Likes reading, drawing & writing. Also likes One Direction! If your daughter is interested you could send me your email & I will send you our address.

Carole - posted on 01/12/2013

Mine would be REALY interested in a pen pal that sounds fun

Sarah - posted on 01/12/2013

@Amanda. Hi, My daughter has similar problems in school making friends and is very unhappy at the moment. She spoke about wanting a penpal. I thought this might help. She is 9 and we live in Italy, though she is English. Do you think your daughter would be interested?

Ellemaber - posted on 01/05/2013

hey im 8 years old

Amanda - posted on 01/04/2013

Hey Tresa! What's up?

Tresa - posted on 01/03/2013

hey everyone

Carole - posted on 12/31/2012

Same thing here

Melinda - posted on 12/05/2012

One way to include kids is to host something either at the park, or local pizza place, or at your home. Try hosting a lego building project or craft at the park, or a cookie or cupcake swap at your house and have the kids decorate them. Kids might see your daughter as the cool kid to be friends with when they get to experience your hospitality and see you are fun to be with. You don't have to spend a lot of money on a project, but definately give it your time. How about a Christmas craft project or even a movie or game night? Let your daughter pick the activity, or start a club and invite kids to participate on a monthly basis. I currently do a Lego club, but I have also thought about doing a hospitality club where we have a party or craft once a month and I teach my kids how to be good hosts. Very valuable skills for the future and they make friends in the process. Have fun with it!

Amanda - posted on 12/04/2012

Hi ladies! I really haven't found anything that works. She is 9-1/2 now. For some reason, this year (4th grade), does seem a little bit better (not much but a little). She still has sad moments where she feels like she has no friends and most of the time she stays inside and helps the teacher instead of going out to recess. She was in basketball and that seemed to be good but it has ended (it's only about 6 weeks in elementary school) so I'm not sure what will happen now. She doesn't like any other sports and there's not much else that elementary school offers. She is in choir at school for one hour each week and she seems to like that. So I would just suggest getting her involved in things that she enjoys. I know I have made friends with a couple of moms and I am going to try and plan things like a trip to the movies or whatever so that maybe our girls can develop a relationship outside of school and maybe that will bring them closer at school. Most of the children live next to each other and can just run outside and play with each other in the evenings or keep in touch over summer vacation but since we live farther out (& there aren't any other kids around us), I feel that is one of the causes of this problem we're having. I really hope it gets better instead of worse as she gets older. That is one of my biggest fears. I hate bullying and I hate to see my child hurting, physically or emotionally. I hope you find something that works for your daughter. Like I said, maybe just try to get her involved in more things if she isn't already, try to make friends with other moms and plan "play dates", and be her best friend yourself (as well as her mom...I think you can be both...I know my daughter and I are). Another mom suggested planning fun events like a spa day or something for a few girls and once they see how much fun they have with your daughter, maybe they will pass the word along to the other kids and they will want to be in on the fun! We have done a Halloween Party the last 2 years and have several kids from school show up but I'm not sure how much it has helped. This year at her birthday party, not a single child from school came. In the past, there's only been one or two. And we've invited both classes so about 60 kids were invited! You'd think someone would've came. Anyways, I wish you luck and hope this has helped..everyone needs friends. If you find something else that works, let me know! Good luck!

Kattina - posted on 12/01/2012

I'm feeling pretty sad for my little girl. She is also a only child which I think plays a huge factor. We also do not have any extended family also she has basically grew up just with us. No kids in our neigborhood wants to play with her. It all started with our neighbor girl who is the same age, that anytimea new girl moves into our neighborhood, our neighbor befreinds the new girl and turns them away to where no one wants to play with her. We have done a lot of work around getting her involved in swimming, ballet, and now girl scouts. Not sure what is happening. Any suggestions?

Jonny - posted on 10/03/2012

Hi Amanda,



You have just described my daughter's to a T! except she has a 3 year old little brother.. Did any advice you received help out? Please let me know, thanks!

Tammy - posted on 09/13/2012

One common thread I have noticed is "only child". I wasn't one. She is. Mine was forced. BC Stage 3B, ER + removed my ovaries.....life goes on. We focus on the glass half full. Seriously....things could be worse. This bothers me because it bothers her.

Tammy - posted on 09/13/2012

I should just say "ditto" to all of your posts. For us, it's the same group of girls. Last yr. I was in the classroom as much as possible. I witnessed the cattyness and wanted to subtly retaliate. I have talked to her teachers and parents but no one sees what I see or what she tells me. I know it hurts her feelings but I try to make light of it. I remember from being a kid that that doesn't help because perception is the key.....not necessarily the truth. I was always outspoken as a child....I don't know why, I didn't have to fight for anything. She is not like me. She just accepts it and moves on. Help?

Karen - posted on 08/07/2012

Amanda, this sounds just like my DD. She's fortunate in that she does have a BF who goes to another school and 2 other close GFs, but since they are in other schools we don't seem them much except in the summer. I would also do some more digging if I were you. I had a meeting with a team from school and, there are some issues with my DD in not having patience and needing her needs met right away that I recognize, some of the other observations I really question. First of all, my child is an only and is a lot of times more comfortable with adults. She also is an avid reader, reads at a 6/7 grade level (going into 4) and has a much more grown-up vocabulary than a lot of the other kids, frankly I think she intimidates some of them. We also don't do the Disney channel because neither DH or I like the messages that are being sent. Well, in talking with some of the other Moms at the end of July, I found out that their DDs also spent a lot of time last year either by themselves or talking with the playground Moms at lunch. Turns out that some of the girls were being mean, refusing to allow them to play with them, writing notes in boys' lockers and signing their DDs names, etc. These girls got fed up and just refused to participate in the meanness. It could be that your child is wiser than she knows! I've been told that this "boy stupidity" which is fostered by a lot of what is pushed by TV as appropriate, lets up in 4th grade and beyond. It will also help that some of her friends in the grade behind will be on the playground with her this coming year. I know that she successfully went to GS Camp for a week, knowing noone, and had a great time so I'm more and more doubtful that the issue is with her. Hang in there, keep her trying different activities (esp Girl Scouts!), and it will all work out. Just try not to dwell on it and keep your ears open for some of the mean stuff going on. I'm planning on doing that and the other Moms that now know about what was happening plan on doing so, too.

Tina - posted on 08/07/2012

I hope everyone who read my reply sees that I have a 6 year old SON that goes through the same things, so this issue is definitely not gender-related. I always thought kids stayed innocent and kind for a long time. Geez, have I been wrong so far........

Melanie - posted on 08/07/2012

Wow!! reading all these posts gives me a very heavy heart!! My daughter also is 9 and a half and she too is having this problem for a couple of years now. I will try the AG books..thanks all for that input. She has a lot of the similiarities of all the qualities of these sweet girls above but I too am baffled by this. My daughter calls it "clubs" . So I say can't you ask to be in there club? I think she is afraid of the rejection... Why are children so "clicky " at this age already..BTW this started in kindergarten. Sometimes I tell her to talk to the boys..

Tamara - posted on 08/03/2012

I can understand the whole not being invited to play thing. We live on a farm and have to travel 47km to get to town. This makes it difficult socially for my two and more so to watch as you see the kids in town forming friendships that are close. We've had polite excuses given and I have come to the point that it is just the group of families. We just try and spend lots of time as a family as our friends who really are friends don't live in this town anymore (you can understand why - all the good ones leave).

On the bright side though it is a blessing that some kids did come to her party. You hear horror stories of no one turning up at all! The children who did attend must think highly of your daughter to be able to do that and I take my hat off to their parents for encouraging them in morals of friendship.

Being on a summer break would allow you and your daughter some time to get strategies in place so I hope that you have a more successful year at school. There is something that seems to have when they hit year four and things just fall into place. So I hope this is your year to have this happen.

Amanda - posted on 08/03/2012

Thank you all for your posts. Keep them coming! Kelly, I did get that book and a couple of others for her to read this summer. I'm hoping they help and that 4th grade is going to be the year that things really turn around for her for the better. So far things are still the same. This spring she invited every child from both 3rd grade classes to her birthday party and not a single child came. Luckily, quite a few from Girl Scouts came (not a troop from her school) and also cousins and friends children. This summer I've tried my hardest to set up playdates with children from her school. It was awkward for me because I don't know the parents too well, but for my daughter I would do anything. I was homeroom mom last year so I had phone #'s and email addresses, plus was "friends" with a few moms on FB so I contacted quite a few and so far there is still no playdate. They have politely said no, they've had other things going on, which I understand. So I've told them to get in touch with me when it's a good time sometime this summer. Still nothing. I see pictures on FB of a birthday party or something with a group of girls from school and my daughter wasn't invited. Again, I tell myself that they don't have to invite my daughter...but it would be nice if she was invited to things sometimes...that would really help her self esteem. I think a lot of the kids are in a neighborhood where it's easy to just run next door to so & so's house and play but where we live there isn't any other kids. School will be starting soon though so we will see how it goes this year! I hope and pray it's a great year for her! She deserves to be happy and have friendships.

Tamara - posted on 08/03/2012

You know if school had something where they could get a group together of children who had a few issues learning to make friends and help them to learn more skills it would be so good for your little one.
I have two school aged children who have both been unfortunately singled out by peers (and teachers). My eldest was a part of a friendship group at school that helped her build resilience yet she had the skills that were being taught in order for them all to learn to be successful in making friends.
I have a son in year one who is said to be according to the teacher a popular young fellow yet in the next breath she tells me that my son has hit other kids. There is an extreme failure to see the bigger picture in this instance. I had a meeting last term with the teacher and the school psychologist and they implied that my child needed an aid for his social skills and that he had the social skills level of a 4 year old.
Being absolutely horrified and humiliated I took him to the local GP and asked for a second opinion because schools are not allowed to "diagnose" children. She told me there was nothing that would imply him being autistic (which is what the school suspects he may be) and so now I have the grounds to form a paper trail.

Beside the point though, if your child hasn't had a recommendation to be assessed for anything that may be related to social skills issues, I would, as the mum be proactive (bite the bullet because I know in your heart that you know you child is just fine) and see someone about this - just to cover all bases. You know I am so glad I did this even though I felt truly scared. I had my opinions confirmed because as the doctor said she would have been more worried had I come saying that I was worried. I wasn't of course but I had to find out for sure so that there would be some confirmation and I could feel at ease about it all.

Then I would (if I hadn't already) enlist the school for help, even if it is just observing what goes on in the playground and how she acts towards others and how others act toward her. Then come together with the findings and draw up a plan of action to help her adjust more smoothly.

Once I had done that, I would look at the amount of social activities she is doing outside school. Is it too much? Is it not enough? Does it seem as though she is enjoying the activity?

Sometimes out of the goodness of our hearts, we parents put our kids into so much too soon and it just overwhelms them to the extent that they meltdown and expectations are just not met. I speak from personal experience here as even though I had my kids in only two activites after school per week, it increased to three and now we are at just one and that is enough for them.

Sometimes kids may seem like they are struggling socially but really aren't. They may have just not met kids they can click with yet. My daughter is one such child. She is at a very small school and even though she talks about the other girls as her friends, she is yet to truly find that one "best friend" and be invited places and have people come to our house. I tell her that there is always high school where she will get to meet other young girls her age from other places who are boarding and there will be more choice and chance to make and have a best friend. I so badly want that for her because even though I didn't have many friends growing up, I did have a best friend.

I sincerely hope that you find your way with this and that your little girl can make the best friend that she so desires to have. She sounds like a sweet heart.

Tina - posted on 08/02/2012

I have a 6 year old son who I take to the pool at least a few times a week and we will see his classmates from school and they may say Hello, but it ends there, no playing, no talking, nothing. I don't get it and my son is so kind, loving, smart, helpful, funny, etc. There are still those times when he will ask me, Why am I an only child mom? It breaks my heart that he doesn't even have 1 friend to have over or play with, period. I was a super shy child and an only too, but now I'm pretty outspoken. I don't want him to go throughthe lonely feelings I had as a kid with no or hardly any playdates. I wish kids and adults alike were more caring for each others feelings. It just seems like sometimes we're living in a Me First kind of world.

Kim - posted on 07/31/2012

Amanda, I could have written this verbatim including the part about swinging alone at recess. At bedtime tonight I asked my daughter if her heart was happy and she started crying and said no. She doesn't want to go back to school because she feels like everyone hates her and she doesn't have a best friend. Heartbreaking to say the least. My daughter is starting 3rd grade in 12 days -- she is very sweet and very well liked by her teachers. For the past two years her teachers have told me that she is a leader and a fabulous example to her peers. When we run into girls outside of school they always seem genuinely happy to see her as they run up to hug her. She is already able to recognize the kids that are sneaky and sassy and mean. I told her I was proud of her for recognizing these issues and told her she was better off not being friends with them as they may find themselves in trouble during the middle school years. I blame myself as I don't often make play dates for her and we live in a neighborhood were the few girls her age don't seem interested to play. I just continue to pray for her -- I know this is a difficult lesson and a heartbreaker for me as a mom -- but I see what kind of person she is and I know she will overcome this and be a very strong and wonderful person.

Amanda - posted on 04/30/2012

Kelly, I know exactly what you mean! My daughter trys too hard too and comes off as looking like a crazy child to the other girls. When she does certain things, I try to tell her to just calm down and not be so loud or in their faces. I think she's trying to be funny but they end up giving her a look like she's from another planet. I am definitely going to check into the American Girl book...she is really into AG right now so maybe she will be able to connect and understand it. I hope it's something I can find online at their site or on ebay.



I'm so sorry to hear about your daughters little friend. That must be so confusing and hard to understand for little ones...we can't even understand it as adults. It's so sweet that she is polite and continues to play with her without treating her any different. I'm sure that means a lot to her friend. I hope and pray she makes a full recovery and that your daughter and her are friends for many years to come. And I hope that our daughters find out they just needs to be themselves and not try so hard and will start making other friends. Good luck! Keep me updated and chat anytime. Seems like they are alike in a few ways! :)

Kelly - posted on 04/29/2012

There is an American Girl book called "How to Stick Up for Yourself and Others." It is a great book that I love to share with my daughter. My daughter has hit a rough patch lately. I have noticed that she tries way too hard to be funny and it comes off as her being stupid to the other girls. There is this one girl that ALWAYS laughs at her and she is a very nice girl to be friends with which is what I am thrilled with but when she tries to be that silly with the other girls it doesn't go very well. One traumatic thing happened to my daughter: her very close friend was diagnosed with cancer for the second time. They are very close and several girls would hang out together in a group with three other girls incl my daughter. We have gone to visit her friend at the hospital a lot, given her family a lot of attention and the little girl. My daughter has recently witnessed her friend losing her hair due to the treatments. My daughter doesn't say much but is polite and will play cards and games with her friend during her chemo treatments. She isn't overly happy or smiley like she used to be with her or her other friends. I thought she was handling her friend being sick again but now her recent behavior tells me she is not and not sure what to do or where to turn. Any one have any ideas on how I can get my little girl to realize that she doesn't have to try so hard to be friends with the other girls. Maybe I can get the counselor at school to talk to her? Anyone been through something like this before? Thanks!

Martina - posted on 03/31/2012

My son's school doesn't have a counselor at this time (the school just opened, and they're lacking funds for many things). An online course may be more of a possibility at this point.



Thanks so much for your interest. I am also hoping that someone may have more information on this. If not, maybe it can be the begining of something new. Ideas usually come out of necessity. Thanks again!

Tamara - posted on 03/31/2012

I live outside a small country town in rural Western Australia and the school psychologist made the friendship group of six students at school to help them improve their social skills.



Do you have a counsellor in your town who could help out? Do you have a school counsellor who could assist?



I did read alot and researched a great deal online. I'm wondering if there is an online sort of at home course you could do together in order to encourage the use of specific social skills for specific things?



Surely there could be something because I was thinking along the same lines as you prior to the suggestion of the friendship group.



Someone will jump on and give the perfect answer. I just hate the idea of you being out on a limb attempting to help your boy with such essential skills without the valid assistance that you need.

Martina - posted on 03/30/2012

Tamara, thanks for the advice. Although it is difficult for me to see my son like this, I am happy to hear encouraging words. I do live in a small town, however, and so I don't think that a class like this would be offered here. I will definetly look for something, though. He's a wonderful boy with so many qualities, and I hope people will see it soon.

Tamara - posted on 03/29/2012

Martina, one of the things I did in a bid to try and help my kids grow up happy and socially accepted was to engage in a parenting course. Of course, we don't have a manual when we leave hospital with our babies and as much as we do the very best we can, it doesn't hurt to go and learn how to do something when parenting - you could almost call it "professional development for parents".



During this course, I learned to set limits in a better way for my kiddies to understand what is appropriate behaviour and what isn't. I believe it actually helped them socially. I don't believe they misbahaved really badly before but it helped me to tweak the way I went about it.



In the case of your son, is there somewhere you could take him to maybe take a course in how to make friends? He may have the skills already but in his young mind, may be mixing them up or forgetting the right ones to use. Out of this, he could make some friends, build his self esteem and of course refresh his memory over what the correct procedure would be in any social situation.



My daughter, with her so called poor social skills was part of the friendship group at school. She had an absolute ball and out of this developed emerging leadership and mentoring skills through her encouragement towards the other kids in the group. For her it was a refresher because she had gotten to the point where she became so confused as to what to do because the other kids kept changing the rules.



I believe this strategy could help your son too and through this, other people will surely be able to change their attitude towards him. Every kid deserves a chance and adults can either give them that chance or squash it. As a parent, I encourage you to pull out all stops to give your kid his chance. I would enquire about this with a counsellor or pyschologist and hopefully they will be able to point you in the right direction.

CINDY M - posted on 03/29/2012

Hi friend mom from Lowell MA going threw what youn are going threw but with my older Clayton he is 6 I tell him to love himself and dont let people push him around that he is a great person and if they cant see that the hell with thme they will be missing out on it. Have you tired to have her join like a church group with other kids ? I havent done yet but thinking about it.

Martina - posted on 03/29/2012

My son is also experiencing this...and I feel terrible because he found a rock a few weeks ago, and named it and called it his friend. He's the only child, and doesn't have cousins or neighborhood kids that he can play with. He tends to get into people's face, or make annoying sounds, and be silly. He also thinks that the world revolves around him. Unfortunately, I think that since my husband and I are very playful with him, that this has kept him from maturing. The teacher and PE coach don't seem to like him either. I feel terrible! He really is a good boy, however. Yeah, he's a little annoying, but he's not malicious at all. He just tries to make people laugh and be the center of attention. This has caused so many problems, though that I just don't know what to do.

Tamara - posted on 03/28/2012

Thankyou so much! That comment really takes my breath away. It is what I hope for, that they will be stable and happy adults but first we need to do some emotional body building to actually help them get to that point.

Jakki - posted on 03/28/2012

Tamara... your children sound lovely! I wish my kids could get to know them!



They might have a tricky time at school but they'll be great adults and great general human beings.

Tamara - posted on 03/28/2012

The examples this particular teacher gave was that she would have emotional outbursts in the class. Of course because she was upset by the child who was bullying. It was a case of the teacher seeing the end result and not what started it. She apparently was prone to tantrums which under stress any child would probably do. We were going through some family stress with my mother in law being very ill which didn't help alot.



I had the school chaplain tell me that my daughter wasn't as mature as the other girls in her year and to not bother encouraging her to play with them.



Both my children are quiet and very very creative children. My son loves Thomas the Tank while the other boys like Ben 10. I have watched that program and have decided my children will not be watching all that violence. They are also rather intelligent and unfortunately are not sporty and wear glasses. They are kind and friendly kids who just love to have fun but I wouldn't call them rough and I wouldn't call them worldly and I certainly wouldn't call them immature for their age. They have managed to hang on to the innocence of childhood that all children of this age should have.



I agree with your last comment. Alot of the children at our school go to boarding school in their high school years. It is here where they are brought down a peg or two and their egos are ironed out.



Amanda I sincerely hope your little girl's friendship troubles will continue to diminish as she grows older.



It is my firm belief that the adults are the ones who are responsible for guiding the children in their social skills and not just plonking the kids in all together and expecting them to learn from each other when none of them know what to do.

Jakki - posted on 03/28/2012

Tamara - gee that's a bit rough of the teacher saying your daughter has poor social skills! Did they give examples?



I really think that sometimes a certain child gets a kind of reputation which is self fulfilling, and sometimes if they move to a new area they can start afresh and nobody sees them in that way again. Actually - that can work for adults too!

Tamara - posted on 03/26/2012

My daughter is 9 and a half and even though her social skills are absolutely normal for her age, she has experienced the same issues your daughter is facing.

We tried playdates and birthday parties and the children only came so that they could be invited and didn't return the invitation.

We tried sleepovers and the same thing happened.

We tried after school dance class which was a total disaster.



The teacher last year insisted on my daughter being assessed by the school psychologist, claiming her social skills were very poor. However, the friendship group she was placed in as part of the social skills program, helped her enjoy the exercises (because she knew what to do and could assist others who were really having trouble), however unfortunately it hasn't helped her establish good friendships at school.



I would give the above options a try with your girl. Just because it didn't work for us, doesn't mean it won't work well for you. Every girl deserves to have at least one good friend and I hope your daughter strikes the winning formula soon.



American girl have some really great books on friendships. Some tips that haven't been thought of could come in handy.

Amanda - posted on 03/21/2012

Thank you all for your feedback. I wrote this last summer and we are almost through another school year. Things have improved somewhat but for the most part she is still struggling with friendships. Keep the suggestions coming!