my adult daughter is a narcissist

Patricia - posted on 11/16/2012 ( 66 moms have responded )

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My 46 year old daughter is truly a narcissist. I have read a lot on line and she fits the description. I have had problems with her all her life, and once again i am out of the picture. I finally realize that it is "Play by my rules, or you are off the team". She has in one day alone sent me about 60 texts, all of which are full of rage and blame. I have a 19 yr old grandson and 14 yr old granddaughter, whom I have been close with all their lives. Now we are once again estranged, not the first time, and what is really breaking my heart, is the grandkids have chosen not to communicate with me either. In the past, I have found myself agreeing with her acceptng blame for what most of the times I never really knew, just to keep the peace. I just can't do that again. She has so many conditions attached to her..."Do as I say, or you will not include you in our lives", Act the way i want you to, or else... or else...you will be punished. She said in one of her many texts, When will will feelings come first...You meaning me, should devote your life to your children, No I dont think so....She had a good childhood...but all should does is blame and make up stuff and I have tried to fix things by agreeing with her and actually told her "I will try and do better". How pathetic is that...The holidays are now here and no family, how can my grandkids just forget me...we had so many good memories...this is just breaking my heart,,,oh I function because I have to...but this is really getting bad...thanks for listening

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Diane - posted on 02/13/2014

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Hi everyone. My daughter is a narcissist, too. I see now that she always was. Even as a child she had a hidden side to her. I used to say she had shuttered eyes. She was the oldest child and the golden one, always shining under my attention and making me laugh. I was her best fan. And then I didn't give her something she wanted because it was morally wrong and she turned on me when she was 21 years old. She married and now she had a husband and no longer needed me for supply. Of course it was years before I could see everything clearly, but now I see how she played me for years and used me and the affection from her was never genuine. Mommy just was her source of supply. The years after that were confusing. She turned her children against me and started spreading rumors about me to our friends. She was cold and haughty and cruel and yes, she almost destroyed me. The evil a narcissist does in insidious and winds around you like a snake until you're almost dead -- no self esteem, no sense of self, and your history robbed from you and replaced with lies. I am so sorry that anyone has to go through that with a child that they loved and reared with every care and love and respect. No one is perfect but I was a good mom. We have been good moms. I think she was born that way. I have had to separate myself and begin a new life without her. It's hard, but I am finding my way. I wish everyone the best who is dealing with this. It's not pretty.

Kathy - posted on 10/14/2013

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I suspect my 34 year old daughter suffers from narcissistic rage behavior. I was a single mom. She was the oldest of three. Since she left home, she has twisted truths to be viewed as a victim. When she went to college, she joined a church and her "testimony" was that I was the cause of all her problems. When I went to visit and went to church with her, I was looked at like some monster. I have two sons who also see her disorder. She is now married with 3 children. Its too hurtful to write about all of the things, but 3 months ago I witnessed her rage at a neighbor, and her 7 year old son. I witnessed my grandchildren constantly hurting each other and watch her husband walk on egg shells. I decided to broach the subject by praying, telling them I had some concerns, and let them know what I read in the Bible first, before even getting to the concerns. Well, to say the least that led to rage, gritted teeth and being told I was lucky that she even shared her children with me. We live in different states. I was at the end of this one other time years ago, when she again, blamed me for every problem she had. Her father has the same problem and my adult children cut off relationships with him. My other 2 children love their sister, but see her as a problem maker. I just can't keep apologizing to keep the peace. My grand babies age range from 3, 6 & 8 and they love me. Her husband acts as mediator for her and defends her anger. He is a good man and I love him very much. The parallels between her and her father are becoming more and more in common. Messy home, the same anti-depressants (which don't work), refusing to take sincere responsibility for their actions, raging, neighbors not liking them (by her own admission, but that is their problem because she yells at the kids). Her boys are just "boys being boys" they are acting out in violent ways. I was a teacher and know the difference. They yell at her that they hate her, and other disrespectful words, which are not corrected. Her husband is getting his PhD, so he tunes out, but he has to because he is studying. But before he was studying, he wouldn't say a word to them unless she told him to. I am concerned and hurt and don't know what to do. She has already ruined my reputation with people I don't even know. She tries to with my sons, but they shut her down. I just don't know what to do. She has convinced her mother-in-law that I am a bad person, so understandably, she steers clear of me, which I feel is a shame, as she is a really good and kind lady, as is her husband. I just don't know what to do. This has not stopped hurting since July and it is now October. Any suggestions?

Julie - posted on 02/07/2014

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Narcissisits won't go to therapy together because it is never their problem. They are simply done with you and they will slander and lie to get people to see them as victim and us as monsters. I grieved, I validated, I sent loving little emails and never got a response - it's now been nearly 4 years and I finally have come to the conclusion that I need to live my life and live my truth which is that I was a good and loving mother. I'll not have her steal my joy anymore.

Vicki - posted on 01/06/2014

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My daughter is a narcissist. I did everything for her because I wanted her to make it. She was placed in special education and I fought to get her out. I helped her with her homework, bought her three cars that she totaled, did most of her work in college so she could graduate and have a chance at life. She lied about why she got divorced. She said he had tried to strangle her. The truth was he went out on her. My grand daughter was the greatest thing ever in my life. I was there for my daughter and my grand daughter up until three years ago. I helped take care of my grand daughter, played with her took her movies, paid a number of times for her child care because my daughter kept writing hot checks. My daughter was arrested for a ticket and a warrant was issued, I paid the $600 to get her out, I paid for part of her rent and so on.
She never thank me ever, but that is okay. I let my daughter and grand daughter live with me when my daughter was out of work, I would have never let it be hard on them. About 4 years ago my daughter met this man on the internet and he is living with her. Within a short time, my daughter said my grand daughter could not spend the night with me any more. Within a couple of months she wouldn't let me see her at all and it has been three years. I am afraid my grand daughter will think I have abandoned her and it still eats me up inside. She rents a house in the most expensive part of the Dallas area and tries to get my grand daughter in everything that will hook her up with wealthy neighbors. Two of her friends in the past, have told me that my daughter was a loser and I got really mad at them. However, now I realize she had used them up. I have read a lot about narcissist and it scares me for my grand daughter and that they don't change nor feel empathy for anyone. I really don't know what to do. It seems like you are there too.

SS - posted on 05/24/2014

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My troubled estranged daughter has a litany of grievances against both me as a mother and as a human. She also has grievances against her younger sister, some going back to Shen the younger ddughter was 10 yrs old. There was no abuse except for the heap of abuse she laid at my feet.
The truth is that despite our best intentions some kids turn out with personality issues which can become mental health issues without intervention.
Finally, real abuse victims seem to want to " win the love " of the abusive parent. This daughter has blown off her only living family because she is narcissistic and selfish.

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Flora - posted 2 days ago

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Oh, your sisters life is a hot mess. Be supportive a few times a year, but she is very depressed. I wish all parents would watch the Joan Crawford movie Mildred Pearce. The daughter was truly NPD and a female dog. The more you do for a selfish person, the worse they will treat you. Tell your sister that you love her and can support her in certain ways, but cannot support her in other ways. Prayers to you.

Abincgaz - posted 3 days ago

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I am in such pain I don't know how to describe it. I (unfortunately) have only one child, a daughter, who I used to be very close to when she was young. She is now 42, has left her husband, and is a complete bitch to me. I guess that's not really accurate. She's not a bitch to me - she just ignores me completely. I moved out of State 2 years ago and she came to visit me with my beautiful grands. The visit together was so nice, i felt like we were back to the old days. Boy, am I naive. The minute she left, have not heard from her again. My niece keeps telling me to be an example to her. But quite frankly, I am hating her guts for the way she treats me. Truely, she just ignores me. I think she must feel some guilt as she brings the kids around me a few times a year. How can I not hate her actions? I am furious truth be told. I don't know how to cope any more. My frustration level is 3 miilion. Any advice would be appreciated.

Mary - posted on 09/15/2014

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My daughter and haven't spoke in 2 years. I'm from NJ and I moved to upstate NY. I have done everything that I could for her and she hates me now because I moved and I no longer allow her to use me. I move so many times and gave her the whole house and everything in it and I started over with nothing just so she and her kids could have. She is 32 now married twice and now living with her current boyfriend. She has 4 kids by 4 different father's and uses them also. My Grandson is 13 now and refuses to talk to her. She lost her kids and now they never see each other and this doesn't even bother her. She acts like she is 15 with all her little friends and boyfriends and living her life at the cost of her kids. It's all a very sad thing.

Chit - posted on 09/03/2014

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Shawn Lively, you are really a narcissistic raging person - it shows and is transparent in your posts- like my daughter whose given me nothing but hell and no joy

Chit - posted on 09/03/2014

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You sound exactly my argumentative, hot-headed, no backing-down, arrogant, blaming others. Kindly please let the lady express her opinion and thank you.

[deleted account]

No, there isn't you are right.

I'm sorry for your pain. Mine was legally adopted as an adult. Then she wanted us to come back to us, but she still wanted to keep her other mother. No way. I was the mother who walked away.

Narcissists are too smart to bite the hand that feeds them until they are almost ready to go out and find another source of supply. I will put this simply: You should not put up with disrespect from anyone including your daughter. Once you give her the indication that you would do anything to "keep the peace" you are giving away your self-respect and no one knows that better than her. It is giving her the opportunity to take full control over you, your lives, happiness and eventually finances. I assure you, there will never be any peace...Never. I went no contact with mine. Yes, it was painful because she was my only child. But, the degrading, lying and character assassinations that she was employing against me were more painful. I don't know about it now and I don't have to defend myself or put up with her hatred a constant basis. Don't worry about her if you go no contact. Narcissists are very resourceful and will always find another victim to attach to. I assure you, when she does this, she will have no use for you and not think twice about it. Sorry to give you the news. There is no way to fix this. But, the choice is yours. Set up major boundries. Be consistant in standing firm. Ignore her outbursts, demands and tantrums. Do not be sucked back in. Good Luck to you. I feel your pain. I think the above advise is the best advice there is. I too am dealing with a narcissistic daughter, my only child. She has caused so much misery and ill will where ever she goes. I have reached the point of disgust and repulsion. I am glad I am finally there. For years I have cried and have been pained beyond words. After studying the Narcissistic abuse web site did a realize that I was being horribly abused and the abuse was not going to stop so I removed myself from the abuser. Painful, yes very but I have a feeling of relief and freedom gained. Once you realize that they will never change that they will always make your life a living hell that they actually feel whole and full when they are harming others then you will be getting a feeling of disgust and hopefully move forward. I've tried to keep peace at all costs. I lost my self respect and self dignity. I've taken her back many times just to get crap thrown on me. She is highly abusive not just to me but everyone in her path. It has taken me many years to come to this decision, that she won't stop and I won't take it anymore. So sad but that is how it is.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/20/2014

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I hope the moderator of this web can look over this occasionally to see if there are the "trolls or raging narcissistic children who hate their parents and can not understand [ there truly are parents who are not at fault for their adult children's behavior. A mother who would be seeking support on these webs does not need additional abuse and pain from those trolling to add insult to injury even taking away a place of support and refuge for these parents due to your posting of shame and blame on them. Find your own web support and rage there. Give these parents some space to vent. Blessings

Elizabeth - posted on 08/20/2014

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i was so happy to see all of these posts today..on narcissistic adult children. I live in Oregon and have asked several local counselors and mental health centers why there is no support for issues such as these..I have yet to get any answers. I have gotten on narcissistic psycho-sociopath relationship webs and all seem to be centered on young women in dating relationships/marriages but not "creating family-children with these types of characters. I have married twice, still married to the second one. Both men with very similar backgrounds, even birth dates, same religion, etc. i had four children with my first husband who abandon all of us after years of abuse and this one who [ we have one who is now 25 years old and the youngest ] This husband came in as some Grizzly Adams hero..[ what I was looking for emotionally] and turned out to be another liar, acting out some role or script he acquired over time to fill his own needs. So focusing on "the children" to such depth, did not come until their adult years and grandchildren. I can not determine which one of them is worse. They are manipulative, arrogant, cold, and all I see around them is "it's all about me" behavior. My 31 year old daughter just came back home to live after years of getting her degrees which she ended just prior to finishing her masters internship.She does nothing to help, everything she does is for herself and no one else. It was not until she moved home I got to see this behavior which came with serious OCD. i Thought she was the most caring one of all of my children and now I see that caring is only when they want to do something or show it but when it is asked of them the answer is generally no, or at their convenience. After my ex left our home I attended a
families of.. addicted/alcoholic the doctor giving the lesson was discussing the brain functions. She showed the receptors that work to make decisions and in these people, the receptor paths were broken. A conscience level was missing and therefore the only way to do something that "appeared" to be normal was to witness how others did it and act it out. There was no emotion- just a script to determine what they socially needed to do.More then the OCD or the generational alcoholism which is nothing more then symptoms. All the intellectual knowledge of any character flaw, brain malfunction or spiritual problems does not fix the pain we suffer through the many years of dealing with people like this, whether it is a spouse, parent or our own children. The problem with our own "child being a narcissist or having any other types of characteristic flaws biological, chemical, spiritual or otherwise, is that they are still our children and mothers [ unless they too are narcissists ] can suffer great consequences dealing with them and how to remedy or cope with this for the rest of our lives. Saying goodbye to our own child to spare our health and sanity is not something we moms can do and spare our heart and soul one more breaking point. I have literally gone to this edge with the Japanese Octopus syndrome, my heart literally flipped and showed on medical tests. My adult children are all within these categories. Two of them as completely estranged to even their own siblings and without any reason for their behavior. I am 61 years old now and I would seriously like some communication from other mothers as there is nothing worse then isolation. Thanks for listening. .

Jeana - posted on 08/10/2014

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Shawn, I support your view when you say 'I've found that parents who think their adult children are narcissistic have blocked out poor treatment of their kids...' But it's not true all of the time.

Besides, when a child becomes a grownup it's time to take responsibility for his or her own behavior. People with NPD know they are self-centered and know when they are behaving badly or treating others badly, but they consciously refuse to change their behavior because their ego is more important to them.

I know what caused my ex husband to be narcissistic--I know how he was raised. However, that's no excuse. He not only indulged his temper whenever he felt like it, quite consciously, but actually would laugh when I protested over other behavior, acting slightly embarrassed (as one example) if it was in front of someone else while at the same time chuckling and finding himself clever for having come up with a way to lie to me in some roundabout way that would be a lie to anyone else, but to him was not 'officially' a lie if it were worded a certain way...that sort of thing. He didn't change because he didn't want to and saw no need. A bad childhood is no excuse for displaying behavior associated with NPD. It's okay for parents who recognize NPD, to call their kids on it. Someone has to.

Jeana - posted on 08/10/2014

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KD, hello. Thank you for your post about your sister and your adult niece. I have been researching NPD and codependency and it is a relief to actually learn of someone who I can relate to. My never-married, 41 yr. old, long-unemployed niece has classic NPD symptoms and has been making my sister's life hell for many years. Recently, however, the situation is becoming critical and I'm more worried about my sister than ever. I'm afraid she'll have a heart attack or stroke. My niece's NPD is complicated by her diagnosis, some years ago, of fibromyalgia. I know that fibromyalgia is a very real illness, but my niece has been playing both the 'I'm very sensitive' and 'I'm sick' cards for so long that she has no friends, and family has kicked her out of their homes because she is a slob and won't even try to work part time. She is now as close to being incapable of supporting herself, as possible, and is completely reliant for support from her divorced, 67 yr. old mom/my sister. My sister worked all her adult life, despite her OWN diagnosis of fibromyalgia, is retired and recently had to sell her home because she can no longer make enough at part time work to pay the mortgage. She just moved herself and her daughter into a one bedroom apartment. My niece claimed the only bedroom by piling so much of her stuff into it that my sister can't fit a bed for herself into it so sleeps on the couch. Like your sister, mine too, 'has always been a gentle sort of person'. She looks back at her marriage to an abusive narcissist and talks about how he bullied her, and she remained silent, but clearly now she is just as silently allowing her daughter to do the same. I am very frustrated, in that I also spent decades with a man with NPD and I finally found my voice and left him, and have not allowed anyone to bully me since. My sister didn't learn from her marriage. She is walking on eggshells in a one bedroom apartment now, to keep my niece from flying into a rage of blame and insults. Her defense is always the same, that 'a mother has to take care of her child and can't just let her die'. These two live a 1 1/2 hour drive from me, I'm 58 with arthritis in both feet, I am underpaid and work 8-5, five days a week at a very, very hectic job surrounded by people all day. I have no money for extra fuel for my vehicle, and I have no energy left to give by 5 PM on Friday. My sister, however, is now very upset (was crying on the phone) that I, and my 'normal' niece who lives in the same town as her mom, didn't spend a weekend or two helping her move. She said that she did 99% of it herself and she's very resentful (she admits that her live-in daughter 'slept' through the past six months of packing, and the actual move). My sister doesn't sound like herself anymore. She is very low on money, very tired, is walking on eggshells while living in the living room of her new apartment while my niece took over the whole place with boxes and boxes and does nothing but sleep and belittle her (even complained that her mom didn't make sure the movers packed her knick knacks properly!) One of the reasons I didn't spend my weekend helping her move was that I am no longer the wife of a man with NPD, and I don't take any crap, and if --working as hard as I do at this age, with arthritis to deal with and my financial challenges--if I'd have spent my weekend over there in 95 deg. heat, working my backside off while my niece slept, only to drive home Sunday and go right back to work...Well, things would have gotten ugly. I finally told my sister that, but she still doesn't understand and says that I should have gone to help her because she's 'an individual' who needs help and whether my niece sleeps through the move is irrelevant. My sister says she doesn't know what to do and that she realizes that she should have been tougher with my niece years ago but that now "it's too late" and that she's stuck in this situation for life. My sister suddenly asked whether she & her cat could come spend the next 5 weeks with me in MY 1 bedroom apartment w/my cat, to 'get a break' from the awful situation she's created. So, basically she'd spend 5 weeks living in MY living room instead of her own. (My sister's original plan three years ago was to move away from the town she's hated for years, and move to my town--we looked at apartments for her on several occasions--but she finally gave up on the idea because her daughter didn't want to move out of town.) When I agreed but told her that we will need to be very conservative because I've been trying to avoid a rent increase by living very frugally to keep costs down for my landlord, she said 'Well, I'll just go rent another apartment for 5 weeks, since it sounds like it's too COMPLICATED for me to come stay with you.' So I'm sure she now has placed the blame on me-- it's my fault she can't escape her misery for 5 weeks. I had asked her what would be different in her life after the 5 weeks--I thought perhaps she had a plan for change--but she simply said 'nothing'. I am tired of hearing my sister talk about the world being against her, and the blame she casts on our deceased parents for her not having a career & money (yet she married at 18), and very tired of hearing her so deeply upset about the latest way that my niece abused her, while in the next breath saying 'it's not her fault'. My sister often says things like "I wish I could die" and "I've been an awful mother". I had a husband, and an ex boyfriend, who treated me badly and I'm very aware of when I'm being taken advantage of, and have no patience anymore for someone who wants to play victim to a bullying daughter. (Once in frustration I said to her 'When she gets in your face and is using the 'f' word and yelling at you, you need to yell back' Her quiet reply: 'Oh, that's just not me.' Anyway, I don't want to become estranged from my sister the way her older daughter is, but I'm not going to spend time with her if she continues to let my niece walk all over her. Thank you for listening. I feel better knowing I've shared my frustration.

KD - posted on 08/04/2014

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When my adult niece was making my sister's life hell a few years ago, I got on the Internet and discovered that she had NPD. On one hand it was incredibly comforting to find the information; I couldn't read enough examples and was constantly stunned at how similar and familiar the scenarios were to what was going on around me. My sister has always been a gentle sort of person and I've always protected her but my niece had grown into a full blown tyrant/bully with two children, who she seemed totally out of tune with. Fortunately she lived very far away and only flew into town and wreaked havoc once per year. For the rest of the time she was on the phone with my sister recounting drama after drama reporting on how the world seemed to be against her - always swimming upstream and always victorious in the end. It was exhausting. Two years ago my niece talked my sister into moving away with her so she could have access to and use my sister as support for her and the grand children and when I say support it's been more like servitude. Because I was treated badly in the whole affair, I have had to shield myself from being treated like that again and sadly, I am estranged from them. It's the only way I can make sure I'm not impacted by this personality disorder any more than I already have been. Thanks for letting me share my story here.

Denise Torres - posted on 07/19/2014

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My narcissistic daughter has been giving me grief since she was 16/17, when she started being sexually active and turned my world upside down and thus started telling lies, and everything you can think of, but unlike some who punish using the grandchildren by isolating us from, with threats, she can't have any kids so she just uses herself to punish me by not wanting anything to do with me...hate should never be welcomed.. especially when she was my only daughter..I have three other sons.
....can you say, spoiled brat!?

Denise Torres - posted on 07/19/2014

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wow, my oldest son has kids and he fits this description very well. Everything you said, my son does to me. Isolates me from the grandchildren and is very hateful, which started when I moved from Florida to NC, he was so against us moving, he started rebelling something awful. Said many hateful things to me...went as far as telling me I am dead...:-(

[deleted account]

My daughter is having a baby in October, I have already made the decision NOT to play any part, this has been the most difficult decision, however as my daughter has a narcissistic personality and has already chewed me up and spat me out for years, I feel I cannot go through the pain of loving my future grandchild to have it used as a pawn to control me. Better I dont get involved than die every day.

[deleted account]

I have read all of your comments, and I must say that I had stupidly thought that I was alone, I feel sad that others are feeling the pain that I do, however, at least I now know that I am not the only one.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/23/2014

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Nancy, I DID NOT SAY that it was something that YOU think you did wrong. You are asking me to look from another perspective, but you cannot seem to look from the perspective of the child/now adult who you are speaking of.

Until YOU can see the other side, you will never understand what I am saying, and I'm through arguing with you.

In your case, you are narcissistic, in that you think it's all in MY perception, rather than bothering to take a look at your own.

Nancy - posted on 06/23/2014

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Ah Shawn, you are so angry and your mind is closed! Apparently it's your way or we "can't read"! Such a rude and uncalled for statement. With my very long post I was trying to illustrate that it doesn't have to be something I did wrong. There have been studies that there are many possible components to this disorder! Genetics can DEFINATELY play a part. I believe my family is genetically predisposed to this, with the examples of my parents, you cannot truely believe they were not narcissists? And with your ONLY opinion being "parents caused this", then why am I NOT a narcissist? As proof that I am NOT A narcissist is years of abuse, criticizing, being used, stolen from, ignored, by my daughters and parents. Environment also can be a factor. The only mistake I made was letting shawna live with my parents! That was the environment that really cemented her narcissism. Good luck to you lady and I hope someday you stop being so critical of everyone because you only see YOU!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/23/2014

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Ah, Nancy, I see you also failed to actually comprehend my posts. I NEVER SAID ANYONE HAD BEEN HORRIBLE PARENTS.

I said, if you would actually READ for comprehension, THAT YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD AS PARENTS, and that, somewhere along the line you did something THAT YOUR CHILD FELT SHOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT. You disciplined when you should have been listening. You blew off something that you didn't perceive was hugely important to your kid.

YOU don't realize what you did, but YOUR KID EXPECT you to know. That's all I was saying. Good friggin grief.

Nancy - posted on 06/22/2014

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Mel, why are you on here? To be mean and make others feel bad. You have issues with your brother, not even your parents or your daughter. You haven't got a clue!

Nancy - posted on 06/22/2014

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Shawwn, I do believe I understand where you are coming from but you are just looking at it from one perspective, and as cut and dried. I can see you were brought up by a narcissistic mother. This is where all your anger comes from. I too was brought up by a narcissistic mother AND father. I never realized this until I was 50 years old. I was born with four fingers on each hand. My right hand fingers are pretty unusable and my arm is half the length of the left. All of my joints are not fully developed, though I can walk. My muscles must remain strong to support my joints, I can never be over weight or I will be in a wheel chair. My head is misshapen, flattened on the right side. My eyes protrude a bit as well. I am of normal intelligence. All my life I never knew why I had these issues, my mother and father never told me until after the birth of my third child. (during every pregnancy I worried that my baby would be born like me) My parents never bothered to ease my fears on those occassions. My father only took the opportunity to tell me at age 30 that he had made my mother try to abort me by giving her metholtrexate (frequently used by midwifes in the 1960's before abortion was legal). I, however, did not spontaneously abort. My father always told me how horrible he felt when I came home from the hospital, because I was so ugly. He always told me how he almost smothered me with a pillow. My father also thought that I did not need any anesthetic when getting my teeth drilled. He, my mother and my brother all had anesthetic, but being handicapped like I was, I really wasn't human in his eyes. (I believe he always felt that I was responsible for him having to marry my mother, he was engaged to another and my mother was just a bootie call) Of course, it wasn't, but the narcissist never believes anything is their fault. Anytime I disagreed with my father I was slapped in the face. Anytime I did something impressive, like being the shrine queen at the Packer game, my father just called me "queen of the cripples". When I would win second in a baton contest, (I twirled baton, the doctors thought it would help with my finger and joint dexterity), my father would say, "I was the first loser". I was told always that, you do not need college, women only get married anyway. I met my one and only boyfriend/husband at age 13. At age 15 I was thinking about breaking up and moving on with my life. My father told me "With the way you look its amazing you ever found someone who loves you. I doubt you ever will again, you better hang onto him." During all this, my mother was completely supportive of my father and everything he did. She never said a thing about me being slapped (I had no self confidence EVER, they made sure of that.) My mother would brag how she never went to my teachers conferences because all she was told is how good I was. So, I NEVER deserved slaps! My mother never said a thing about the mean comments and totally agreed that I would never find a man who could love me. I was always looking for their acceptance and love and followed the rules that hey put forth. I married at 18, the same man. I had three children, a boy and two girls. I was a "good girl" for 20 years. Stay at home mom. Brownie leader, boy scout supporter, gave my kids baton, dance, saxaphone, piano, ty kwon do. I went to every teacher conference, every dance recital, every school program. All the children in the neighborhood were always at my house, cause I was the fun mom. Playing marco polo in the pool, making plays with the kids and filming it with the VCR, etc. etc. etc. When my middle daughter Shawna was born, things became weird. At first my mother wasn't very involved. Shawna was an ugly new born. My mother doesn't like "ugly". So she stayed away. About 4 months of age Shawna became very very pretty. Then my mother began to dote on her. She made her beautiful dresses, and everything was about Shawna. My parents never ever, in my entire live told me I was beautiful, not even pretty, not even on my wedding day. But my mother was all about Shawna. She was also all about herself. She told me the story of how she won "best body" of her senior high school class. When I was pregnant with my first child, Ryan, my mother entered a beauty pageant. She got first runner up. A judge told her he had picked her and not the actual winner. She ran with it and actually hired a lawyer to try to prove dishonesty in the pageant. My mother talked me into entering Shawna into pageants. Shawna did very well, she won lots of titles etc. Everything was SHAWNA...my fault too, but my mother was over the top. My mother would make all the dresses for Shawna, of course, I would buy the materials, thread, rhinestones etc. I was responsible for all the entry and hotel and travel costs. After all, I was the good girl. I was the one wanting everyone to love me and appreciate me. After 20 years of marriage I found out my husband, perfect man, was cheating with his second cousin. We got divorced. I had to get a job making minimum wage. I was getting some alimony but I had the kids full time, their father did not want them. My mother still expected and demanded Shawna do pageants, because she was so beautiful (she was living through Shawna). I started my youngest daughter in pageants too and my mother was all about, "oh, you shouldn't do that, she won't win because she isn't as pretty as Shawna"! My youngest Mikayla is gorgeous. But she has brown hair and brown eyes. Shawna is blonde, my mother was blonde, hard to live through someone who doesn't live up to your version of beauty. The same year I was divorced, my mother got breast cancer. I was so upset. My kids were very upset about "poor grandma"! Everything was about her. I took care of my kids, my job, and my mother. There was never any word of thanks. I was her advocate, talking her into going to mayo to get the cancer aggressively treated. My mother was successfully cured. Things were getting harder for me monetarily and I wanted to be able to support myself and my kids so I got an online paralegal degree and got a job 60 miles away. Since Shawna was in her last year of high school and captain of the pompon team I allowed her to live with my parents. I paid 600.00 per month. But yet, still had to pay for all Shawna's school fees, athletic fees, pom competitions, pageants, car insurance and yearly trips to Disney World. Yes, ever since my mother got cancer, every single year she was "dying" and we'd better appreciate her cause we will be sorry when she is gone. So, I was making 12.00 a hour and my parents were making 160,000 a year but I was paying all these things. My parents were angry that their servant had moved from their control, so they were all about spreading the opinion that I deserted Shawna. I NEVER deserted anyone. I would travel weekly to be with her, I still did everything I had done before moving for a better job. I began to have my own life. I met a nice man. I never married him or moved in with him because I still had my youngest daughter at home. I wanted her to have me full time and give her all my love. I was still doing for all my kids, taking out loans and giving them my older cars so they wouldn't have debt, giving them disney world vacations so they could be with poor grandma before she "died". Even when I had to stay home and work to afford things. My parents hated my fiancee. They cut him down every chance they could. He made me happy, they hated that. Then the story began to change with them. Not only did I desert my children, I deserted them for a man. I was still so indoctrinated that I felt guilty that I wasn't living entirely for them and my children. I tried harder and harder to do better. All I got was constant criticism, my hair was too long for my age, to light for my age, my clothes too young for my age, I looked ridiculous. See, after doing chemo my mothers hair fell out and did not grow back the way it was. She aged quite a bit. She gained weight. She was looking old and frumpy and she HATED that I was beginning to blossom. She hated that I didn't look like a 60 year old woman. 6 years of this and my joints began to fail. I was full of arthriti and had alot of pain in the cold weather. Of course, I got no sympathy. It was always about poor grandma and her possible cancer. I applied for and got disability. At the same time my fiancee and I found a wonderful pre foreclosure and moved to Cape Coral Florida. My kids were all grown and out on their own. My mother and father were JEALOUS!!!!! My father was jealous that I had purchased a 500,000 home for 160,000 and it was brand new and had an inground pool and waterfalling hot tub. He did not want me to have better than he had EVER. My mother, who lived for Disney World and Florida was jealous that I got the life she never did. About the same time my mother got ovarian cancer. Again I was there for her. She came to Florida to visit every other month. I advocated for her treatment. I helped her in every aspect of her life. Also, I was doing for my kids, I bought my son a honeymoon to jamaica, I still bought clothes and trips to disney world and trips down to see me for all three kids, even though they were in their middle to late 20's. But I loved them and wanted them with me. Shawna started becoming distant and uncaring. She only called around her birthay or a holiday to tell me how much she "loved" me. Other wise she dodged any call from me, so that I stopped calling, and would call once a month, like clock work for about 2 minutes, to see if I was still alive. Shawna became my mothers clone. She became a very transparent user, she constantly criticized me just like my mother. She acted embarrassed of me, or, what was weird to me, jealous of me, just like my mother. She expected me to be just like my mother who dressed as an old woman, had short gray hair and did nothing but sit and watch tv. When my daughters and my mother were down visiting they would expect me to do everything for them, pay for all food, everything. near the end of my time of realization my mother was actually living with me. For 8 months I took her weekly 3 hours each way to get her chemo treatments. I cooked healthy meals, tried to help her connect with others who were going through what she was, even made her dog a therapy dog so it could fly with her. My father never came down even one time to visit or help her. The last christmas my mother and daughters were by me, they would go into their grandmothers room and leave me out, cooking and cleaning. They would ignore me. My daughters actually tried to go into my closet and steal my clothes, right from my home. They had always done this before, and I told them I was fed up. They just laughed and kept on doing it. This time I stopped them. Then I found them rooting through my cupboards trying to find alcohol so they could go into their room alone and drink my alcohol. They all HATED that I was such a "drunk" and I had an occassional beer. Things were starting to really add up in my mind. All the things I went through in my life. The fact that I was 19,000 in debt because of always buying things for everybody and being the "perfect" mother and daughter. The straw that broke the camels back was the last weekend my mother was by me for her treatments. My father finally came down to get her to take her home. At that time, they made sure that my fiancee was out of town. They sat me down, told me how they hated my lifestyle, hated my fiancee, and thought I was a bitch. I was flabbergasted. But I STILL didn't fight back. I actually felt that if I would have, my father may have again struck me in the face. When they left I mulled over and over in my mind, why do I deserve all of this abuse? Why am I supposed to do for everyone but not expect anything for myself? I realized there is nothing I could ever do that was good enough for them. They would always think of me as worthless and on earth just to serve them. I confronted my mother and told her that "she had never supported me with my father or my daughters". She screamed at me and said, "I'm the only one that ever loved you, everyone else hates you!" She then said, I hate you, I hope you die, and slammed the phone down. At that time I suspected I had breast cancer. I told Shawna. She replied, "I don't care, go ahead and die." This has been 2 and a half years. My mother has since died. For my own peace of mind, I contacted my mother before she died just to make peace. She tried to fight with me. I backed off and said, we both said mean things, lets just ignore it and be like casual acquaintances and talk about trivial things, after all, we are mother and daughter. (I tried to do the same with Shawna, she ignored me) I spoke with her right before she went into a coma. She died the day before I was going to fly in to see her. I attended her funeral. My son Ryan and my daughter Mikayla spoke to me. My daughter Mikayla looked embarrassed to have Shawna see her talking to me. Mikayla and I had the same flight home and we had a good talk. It was all the same thing. She accused me of not caring about "grandma", of not being there for her when she was dying. I had called 6 times asking about her condition and Mikayla had told me that "grandma is not really here, she is in a coma". But now she was telling me that "grandma was asking for me". I reminded me of what she said, she quit the new story. I still tried to connect with Mikayla, and she would talk about little things with me, but she was Shawnas pawn. Then I saw pictures of Thanksgiving. Everyone was at my fathers house, including MY EX HUSBAND! And I asked Mikayla if she could help me as I am required to get a hysterectomy and I wanted her with me. She said, no, she had to work. But she could fly upf or her grandmothers death and funeral and thankgiving. I have completely given up. Shawna is now engaged. I will not be invited to the wedding and I am glad. Shawna has become close to her mother in law. God knows what she told her. They all ignored me at the funeral. I admit, when she told me to go ahead and die, I was angry. I broke down and told her I wish she had never been born. I really do wish she had never been born. Or that I would have realized earlier what my parents are and kept my children far away. Hind sight is 20/20! So, the moral of this story is, one doesn't have to be a horrible mother to have a narcissistic daughter. Many other factors can be involved. You have to open your mind and try to see everybody's pain.
Nancy

Olvia - posted on 06/21/2014

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I too have a narcissist daughter who is 27 years old and is being divorced by her husband of 5 years because he caught her having an affair with a real loser, They have a 4 year old son and she is using him as leverage with all of us but it is obvious that she doesn't want her child but she won't let her husband have custody. It is making me so sick because of her twisting everything so she can control her son. I am his caregiver while she works and if she gets upset with me she tells him what a terrible person I am. I was a single mother although her father was always in her life. We live in a small town and she had a difficult time growing up because we were both in our 40's when she was born and we both had other children. She never liked either one of us and when we would attend school functions she would ignore us. She is lazy and demanding and wants me to do everything for her but if I ask for a small favor she screams and calls me vile names because I am interrupting her social life. Her husband has the child from Thursday evening until Sunday morning so she can go out and play with her new boyfriend. She hates all of her families and has hardly any contact with anyone except me and that's because I am the babysitter.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/17/2014

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Diana, what do you think I need help for? overcoming my pain and PTSD at having been raised in what my mother considered the 'perfect' house? At having CPS called on her multiple times because of her continued abuse of us, that she STILL claims was 'simple discipline'?

Thanks for your 'concern', honey, but I'm perfectly fine. You all need to realize that, as I've stated MANY MANY TIMES ON THIS THREAD ALONE: You may not know what caused it, and it may not have been anything 'big' to you, BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING BIG TO YOUR KIDS THAT YOU OVERLOOKED, IGNORED, OR BLEW OFF.

Oh, but I forgot, you're all PERFECT parents who never, ever did any wrong, and your children are all selfish assholes (not because of how they were raised) but because they're selfish assholes all on their own. Sorry, hon, but that simply is NOT true. I can see it as a parent myself, and have taken my own steps to change the dynamic in my household so that my children never feel this way.

Again, if you think I need help, I say look in the mirror. I'm not the one complaining about my kids being narcissistic assholes, but I AM giving you the other side's perspective, which, as usual, is never welcome in your glass houses.

Diana - posted on 06/16/2014

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Hi Diane, this is amazing that you have moved away from your daughter....I was just, today, telling my mother that I need to move away so I don't have to see or have too much contact with her. Of course, that means that I wouldn't see my grandchildren very much, but I need to survive this and moving seems like a great solution. The problem is I can't right now for various reasons but someday I want to do just that. Good for you

Diana - posted on 06/16/2014

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Phyllis, I am so so sorry for your pain. I understand it as I have a son that is a narcissist and a daughter. I've not seen my son's children ever. my daughters I do, but it's just a matter of time before she takes them from me. She treats me horrible and I take it just for the kids, but I, like you, just don't want to take it anymore and if I tell her, then the kids will be gone. They are 5 and 8 and they love me and I live to be with them but I've just about come to the end of my rope. I wish I would take your pain away, I know that pain all too well. It's so unfair when you've been a good mom, done everything you know to do for your kids and then they do this. My heart goes out to you.

Phyllis - posted on 06/13/2014

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My mother is narcissistic and I married a narcissistic man. I divorced him and tried so hard to raise my children with love and empathy for others. yet my daughter who is 29 is narcissistic. I finally stood up to her and now not allowed to see my grandkids. Its killing me both refuse to back down and bend over to her anymore. The hurt is unbearable. Just hope I can get thru this.

Diana - posted on 06/07/2014

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This is to Patricia - you are telling me life with my daughter Patricia the only difference is my grandchildren are 8 and 5 but its just a matter of time before my daughter rips them from me. She keeps trying but I've not given her a reason yet but it's coming, trust me, she will find a way and there is only so much a person can take and then you're done!! I am so so sorry, I truly know your pain. My daughter is 41 and since she was 12 years old it's been a living hell with her. Her father, my ex, is a Narcissist as well and I know my son is. I've not seen my son in 8 years or my grandkids with him. I have a grandson which I have never seen. I am surrounded by them!!!! I try to live my life the best I can and I like you endure the holidays because I'm alone and they only include me if they get something from it. I'll pray for you to have peace because this is awful.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/05/2014

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FYI, I've made a HUGE POINT to not belittle my children as my parents did me. I've made a huge point not to assume I'm automatically correct because I'm an adult, and I actually LISTEN AND INTERACT with my kids, respecting them and their opinions.

But, thank you very much for assuming that I, like your daughter, turned my 'perfect' childhood into an abusive situation in my mind. I really appreciate your (not)professional assessment of a situation that you have no clue about.

Just like most 'perfect' parents, you don't even want to consider the possibility that YOU may have had a hand in how your adult child behaves today. Obviously, you didn't comprehend the very first sentence of my post, which stated YOU MAY HAVE DONE ALL YOU COULD. You also missed my statement of SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE, YOU DISCIPLINED WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED, OR SOMETHING SIMILAR.

There are none so blind as those who will not see. You, Bethany, are so het up about placing blame solely on your daughter that you fail to see that, somewhere along the line, YOUR BEHAVIOUR also played a part in how your daughter acts. Just like a teenager...It couldn't POSSIBLY have anything to do with you, its just your kid who's a complete brat with no clue about life, and it's all HER fault, none of your responsibility.

Yeah, right

Bethany - posted on 06/03/2014

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Reading the posts by Shawnn and Mel. We can only hope that their kids turn on them like vipers some day. Our fault? Um, no. My daughter has alienated every single member of our family and her husband's family. So it's EVERYONE'S fault but hers?
Interesting. She treats people terribly whilst staring in the mirror everyday taking selfie glamor shots.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/24/2014

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I've found that parents who think thier adult children are narcissistic have blocked out poor treatment of their kids, painting themselves as a "great parent who would have done everything"...

You probably would have, but somewhere along the way, you did something to your kid. You either disciplined when you should have been listening, or something similar that broke the final straw for them. My mother did.

I have a relationship with her, but it's on MY terms. Certain subjects are NOT up for discussion, and if she wants to be involved, she's welcome, provided she does not mentally abuse my children as she did myself and my brothers whilst raising us.

I know she did the BEST SHE COULD, but there are some things that are unforgivable. Things like "you won't be able to do that, you're a girl, girls don't do that" all your life are hard to overcome.

SS - posted on 05/24/2014

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I am glad I found this site and this thread in particular. My heart is shattered.

I raised my 2 girls as a single mom as my husband and girls father was mentally unstable, controlling and violent. His parenting skills were deplorable at best and he was found dead laying in garbage in his house at age 44. He did not clean his house for 10 years and I believe he had mental health issues.

I struggled but determined to be a good mom-dad-provider-you name it I did it alone. The girls lived in decent areas and went to quality schools and did not go without. It was not easy but I have no regrets. My older daughter (now 35) demonstrated a lack of empathy or regard for her sister and I and hung with gang members, truant, arrested, did as she pleased and social services threatened to take away my little one because as they said " I could not control the older one " and I was arrested and charged with being a *truant parent* as she refused to go to school. Meanwhile gangsters are coming to my door threatening me and the police did nothing. I moved out of that area and told daughter that she could remain with family provided she followed household rules and again she did as she pleased with a police incident involving a gun 2 weeks after moving into new house in new area, thus demonstrating her lack of regard for her family and embarrassing us in front of new neighbors. I told her to leave and not come back and that I was finished.
Since then she has gotten her masters degree, a good job and condo and has blown off me and her sister, going so far as to not attend her sisters wedding last year. She blames, makes up stories about all the abuse she suffered to justify her cold hateful treatment of her sister and I, and threatened to report me to my ISP if I ever contact her, blocked my # and her sisters from calling her and on and on.

We have asked for family counseling to fix this but she backs out every time. It seems she is fueled by her rage against those she should love. She broke both of our hearts. She is narcissistic and selfish and it's always someone elses fault.

I believe narcissism is partly biological/genetic. Her father was the same way and despite being raised in same house, other daughter is complete opposite.

There are days in which I just want to die but I have somewhat accepted that these are her issues and I cant do anything about it, and I focus on my younger daughter and son in law, who are 2 beautiful people.

Nancy - posted on 05/20/2014

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I, too, have come to the conclusion that my oldest daughter is a narcissist. She's always been angry her whole life, but when she gets mad at me, she rages. I was a good mother and was always there for her. Since she's been with her boyfriend of 8 years, she's gotten worse. She no longer goes to church. She takes no responsibility for her actions toward me. There is never an apology or any empathy whatsoever. She makes fun of me, and I'm supposed to not take it personally, and I'm to laugh about it because she's not serious. Bull shit! She's serious! I believe all her adult years I've been her narcissistic supply. Now that I don't behave or act the way she'd like, she ignores and disrespects me, even in front of my grandchildren. The first time this happened was 3 years ago, and that was with both grandchildren (older girl and younger boy) who witnessed it. Just this past weekend she did it again, only her daughter was the witness, as well as my youngest daughter. She is 37 years old and is definitely set in her ways. She has hurt me deeply in the last 8 years more than I can say. I've always been nurturing and forgiving, but apparently she doesn't care for that. She just wants to try and control me and my behaviors. If I don't follow her protocol, then there's definite hell to pay, with rage.

Christie - posted on 05/19/2014

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Berit, you ask what you do to survive this horrible situation? Well for many of us it's day by day. I just went through a rough few weeks with her and it's finally quieted down. From person experience I can say is work really hard at setting those boundaries and sticking to them no matter how much your narcissist cries, pleas, tempts, or seduces you into believing they're genuinely sorry and have changed. The fact is there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough and you have to protect yourself and the rest of those around you who are also being affected. I know it sounds terrible. It is terrible. This may sound harsh and maybe it is particularly so I had the pleasure of spending Mother's Day with 2 of my kids happily while being told by her how she hated me, but narcissists are emotional vampires. If you don't take care of yourself you will lose yourself and lol you WILL lose you life figuratively. So get angry, get tough, set a personal goal of how you want you life to be like again. Because they will fight tooth and nail to prevent you from having it. Like I said, it's a day by day process. If I go a single day without a phone call from her, it's been a good day. Count my blessings til my granddaughter is grown.

[deleted account]

Mel
One of the hallmarks of a narcissist is that nothing is Ever their fault. Too, if you will read about this disorder, narcissists DO NOT breed narcists. Ergo; you got there all on your own.
I had a narcists brother who nearly ruined me financially until I finally refused to give him more money despite the rants, belittling, and screaming.

The sad thing about you, the narcists, is that you won't get help because it's everybody else's fault. Sound familiar? But, help is only marginally helpful anyway.
I feel sorry for those who have to deal with you.

Christie - posted on 05/13/2014

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I wouldn't take Mel's bait. There is just enough bite in those words to make me suspect this board hit a little too close to home...As we should any of those in our lives who are wreaking havoc, we should ignore the behavior and move on...This should be the one place we can turn to.

Kathleen - posted on 05/13/2014

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Oh, and Mel, how much research have YOU put into this? If you read the posts again, you will find that time spent researching and talking to professionals about this seems to be a common thread.

Kathleen - posted on 05/13/2014

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Cats don't make dogs, that true Mel. But we are human beings. I believe this is a sounding board to help mom's try to find solutions. Looking to help and encourage each other for the purpose to protect our cherished adult daughters is still taking responsibility to help, for my purpose, my girl. It can't feel good to feel that way. I believe snarky remarks and and blanket judgments on people you don't know is not helpful to mom's who are legitimately hurting and want to find a way to approach so many broken relationships can be healed is point. Try more encouraging words for people who are hurting, and believe me, it's not just the mom's, it's the daughters as well. Be nice!

Mel - posted on 05/13/2014

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Here's a tip for all of you "mothers" stating that your daughters are narcissist : cats don't make dogs!
which means you are most likely narcissist yourself and are tasting now your own medicine; except for the fact that one is your child, your responsability, yours to protect and cherish not matter what and yet you are here making it about you. Narcissist much?

Diane - posted on 05/12/2014

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Hi -- I'm Diane, the person who posted on 2/13. I thought I would give you an update. I've moved to a different city than my npd daughter. I am now an hour's drive away. I knew I had to make that choice, but it is difficult. I miss my grandchildren and hope to find a way to visit them now and then. But I'm learning to take care of myself now, and heal. I just read something so awe-inspiring about how to recover from years of narcissistic abuse. It said: The sanctuary of your heart and mind is through the process of identifying how you are feeling and honoring yourself. [That is the key to healing and undoing what was done – how huge is that! The sanctuary of your heart and mind is through the process of identifying your feelings and honoring them. 1) Identify your feelings when you feel tense and the cognitive dissonance sets in, usually caused when someone has disrespected you. 2) Honor your feelings as valid. 3) Find a protective and well-being centered solution, which brings empowerment.] It all seemed so shadowy, and vague, this worry over how to begin to be whole again. But that really made sense!!! I hope this helps!

Kathleen - posted on 05/02/2014

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I wonder the same thing. In hindsight, I see that this has gone on since she was a child, and because I was a working full time, and going to college, and raising 3 kids somehow damaged her. My sons are not this way, however. Even though I had a tough schedule way back when, we still did things for fun, like game night with pizza, and drives where we got "lost" on purpose for an adventure, or went to an "all you can eat" buffet, (yes, I had hungry boys, and this was cheap and fun). Yes I was tough and didn't coddle over reactions and pouting, curfew disobedience, which was met with serious grounding, but maybe if I did drugs, and had men just flowing through the house and boozed it up, (now I did have a beer once in a while), would at least provide some logic to this behavior. Now she has a son who is just like her at 9. She is having problems him over anger as well.

Christie - posted on 04/25/2014

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Iris, I know I for one (and I'm sure many of us have), have looked into ourselves to see what part we played if any in how our children turned out this way. I know I played a part as well. Their father was abusive and I left him when they were young. I was a struggling young mother who had little to give them, so I blinded by guilt over having so little to give, therefore offering more freedom with friends and less harsh punishments. I made the mistake of trying to be her friend thinking she would be more open and honest with me. My ex husband, on the other hand, went on with his life in a much better financial position and became a father by "check or debit". Whatever the kids wanted - all they had to do was ask and it was theirs. Now she lives as though her whole family is supposed to take care of her. And the circle of entitlement now extends to friends, her friends' families, even the government. No, sadly the past can't be changed. And sadder still, the chances are our children may not change either. And I say "may not" because I don't want to lump everyone's children as the same. If even one of you ladies has has a different outcome I will be truly happy for you. I no longer feel that will be the case for me. Not after recent events. Now I need to take care of myself and my granddaughter.

Iris - posted on 04/25/2014

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I have spent two days reading these blog and also medical papers on Narcissist people. Yes my daughter is to, before I go on, there is something that I need to share. Apparently it is very likely that us parents did something in our child raising tech. to develop this disorder. At first I was in denial but then I tried to recount as much as I could from the past. I was determined to find out and if it was me accept responsibility. The past can not be changed but if I can understand why she is like she is than maybe I can forgive her, accept my part in it, forgive myself and move on.
From what I have read..it is based in "shame" I was strict. I was also of the generation that spanked. In my mind it was not abuse but by today stds. it was. I also think she always looked up to me, see wanted to look like me, she wanted to be smart she wanted to be the person she admired most...me. I always encouraged her to be and do whatever it was she wanted. She had a tendency to be over weight, she had a very hard time in school I always either tutored she or got someone to, but she just could not measure up. She later developed an eating disorder trying to get thin, she cheated her way through college, now she is into substance abuse which I know will make it worse. Did I cause it? yes. Not intentionally but I certainly played a part indirectly. She has rewritten history just as all of your narcissist have done but that does not surprise me because everyone always has a diff. reality. What ever we feel effects our perception of what is happening. The paranoid person sees clokes and daggers everywhere, and so the narcissist has shame, an internal wound that grows deeper with every action.I am hurt, pushed away, I have had my grandkids taken away but I have to wonder if there is something I can say or do to remove her shame. I know over the years she has done many things that I would not have done or considered morally right. If I can get her to tell me them, if I can sit and not criticize or cast judgement and tell her that regardless I love her. That she has value. Would it help. I think I will try when the opportunity comes. I am hurting but I think she may be hurting worse. She still is my child and I still love her so I must figure it out and try to help both of us because she is incapable at this time.

Christie - posted on 04/24/2014

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It's sad and comforting to know there are others like me. My 27 year old daughter been putting my family through the ringer for years and we just couldn't put our finger on what the heck this type of behavior was. We couldnt understand the utter lack of empathy, the obsession with her own wants and needs and the hell with the consequences or who she she had to use, butter up, or hurt to accomplish her goals. We are her best friends as long as we are agreeing with her and giving her what she wants... But the problem is she wants and wants and wants...I'm drained, physically and emotionally.

It wasn't until a friend of hers matter of factly mentioned that my daughter was a narcissist that it clicked. Could that be it? I read up on it on alot it it really fit. Very scary actually since there is no easy treatment for something like this. But my daughter refuses counseling. She insists she has no problem except for the ones we cause her. Never mind the fact I have custody of her 4 year old daughter. She is perfectly content to live in my sister's attic apt, always late with rent with excuses, frequently changing jobs for reasons that are never her fault, and the constant drama that comes when she wants her dose of attention! If you dont answer the phone calls, the emails starts. If the emails dont dont get a response, the drama changes to a new storyline designed to illicit a response. And it goes on and on.

I wish I had useful advice for you. Maybe you can take small solace in knowing you are not alone, just as I have in finding this board. I do think it is important that we all learn how to start protecting ourselves emotionally. I'm trying to teach myself to separate myself from her, which is hard because she is my daughter, but I have to. Stress can do so much damage if we dont get control of it. We raised our children. We are human. It may not have perfect, but they are adults now and responsible for their own wellbeing, their own mistakes, their own lives. We do our best, we know the truth of what it, and all we can we can do is let go and let God...that's the advice I give myself when I want to cry and can't in front of my granddaughter, and thats Im passing on to you. My love to you.

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