my adult daughter is a narcissist

Patricia - posted on 11/16/2012 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My 46 year old daughter is truly a narcissist. I have read a lot on line and she fits the description. I have had problems with her all her life, and once again i am out of the picture. I finally realize that it is "Play by my rules, or you are off the team". She has in one day alone sent me about 60 texts, all of which are full of rage and blame. I have a 19 yr old grandson and 14 yr old granddaughter, whom I have been close with all their lives. Now we are once again estranged, not the first time, and what is really breaking my heart, is the grandkids have chosen not to communicate with me either. In the past, I have found myself agreeing with her acceptng blame for what most of the times I never really knew, just to keep the peace. I just can't do that again. She has so many conditions attached to her..."Do as I say, or you will not include you in our lives", Act the way i want you to, or else... or else...you will be punished. She said in one of her many texts, When will will feelings come first...You meaning me, should devote your life to your children, No I dont think so....She had a good childhood...but all should does is blame and make up stuff and I have tried to fix things by agreeing with her and actually told her "I will try and do better". How pathetic is that...The holidays are now here and no family, how can my grandkids just forget me...we had so many good memories...this is just breaking my heart,,,oh I function because I have to...but this is really getting bad...thanks for listening

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Julie - posted on 02/07/2014

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Narcissisits won't go to therapy together because it is never their problem. They are simply done with you and they will slander and lie to get people to see them as victim and us as monsters. I grieved, I validated, I sent loving little emails and never got a response - it's now been nearly 4 years and I finally have come to the conclusion that I need to live my life and live my truth which is that I was a good and loving mother. I'll not have her steal my joy anymore.

Diane - posted on 02/13/2014

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Hi everyone. My daughter is a narcissist, too. I see now that she always was. Even as a child she had a hidden side to her. I used to say she had shuttered eyes. She was the oldest child and the golden one, always shining under my attention and making me laugh. I was her best fan. And then I didn't give her something she wanted because it was morally wrong and she turned on me when she was 21 years old. She married and now she had a husband and no longer needed me for supply. Of course it was years before I could see everything clearly, but now I see how she played me for years and used me and the affection from her was never genuine. Mommy just was her source of supply. The years after that were confusing. She turned her children against me and started spreading rumors about me to our friends. She was cold and haughty and cruel and yes, she almost destroyed me. The evil a narcissist does in insidious and winds around you like a snake until you're almost dead -- no self esteem, no sense of self, and your history robbed from you and replaced with lies. I am so sorry that anyone has to go through that with a child that they loved and reared with every care and love and respect. No one is perfect but I was a good mom. We have been good moms. I think she was born that way. I have had to separate myself and begin a new life without her. It's hard, but I am finding my way. I wish everyone the best who is dealing with this. It's not pretty.

Kathy - posted on 10/14/2013

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I suspect my 34 year old daughter suffers from narcissistic rage behavior. I was a single mom. She was the oldest of three. Since she left home, she has twisted truths to be viewed as a victim. When she went to college, she joined a church and her "testimony" was that I was the cause of all her problems. When I went to visit and went to church with her, I was looked at like some monster. I have two sons who also see her disorder. She is now married with 3 children. Its too hurtful to write about all of the things, but 3 months ago I witnessed her rage at a neighbor, and her 7 year old son. I witnessed my grandchildren constantly hurting each other and watch her husband walk on egg shells. I decided to broach the subject by praying, telling them I had some concerns, and let them know what I read in the Bible first, before even getting to the concerns. Well, to say the least that led to rage, gritted teeth and being told I was lucky that she even shared her children with me. We live in different states. I was at the end of this one other time years ago, when she again, blamed me for every problem she had. Her father has the same problem and my adult children cut off relationships with him. My other 2 children love their sister, but see her as a problem maker. I just can't keep apologizing to keep the peace. My grand babies age range from 3, 6 & 8 and they love me. Her husband acts as mediator for her and defends her anger. He is a good man and I love him very much. The parallels between her and her father are becoming more and more in common. Messy home, the same anti-depressants (which don't work), refusing to take sincere responsibility for their actions, raging, neighbors not liking them (by her own admission, but that is their problem because she yells at the kids). Her boys are just "boys being boys" they are acting out in violent ways. I was a teacher and know the difference. They yell at her that they hate her, and other disrespectful words, which are not corrected. Her husband is getting his PhD, so he tunes out, but he has to because he is studying. But before he was studying, he wouldn't say a word to them unless she told him to. I am concerned and hurt and don't know what to do. She has already ruined my reputation with people I don't even know. She tries to with my sons, but they shut her down. I just don't know what to do. She has convinced her mother-in-law that I am a bad person, so understandably, she steers clear of me, which I feel is a shame, as she is a really good and kind lady, as is her husband. I just don't know what to do. This has not stopped hurting since July and it is now October. Any suggestions?

Vicki - posted on 01/06/2014

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My daughter is a narcissist. I did everything for her because I wanted her to make it. She was placed in special education and I fought to get her out. I helped her with her homework, bought her three cars that she totaled, did most of her work in college so she could graduate and have a chance at life. She lied about why she got divorced. She said he had tried to strangle her. The truth was he went out on her. My grand daughter was the greatest thing ever in my life. I was there for my daughter and my grand daughter up until three years ago. I helped take care of my grand daughter, played with her took her movies, paid a number of times for her child care because my daughter kept writing hot checks. My daughter was arrested for a ticket and a warrant was issued, I paid the $600 to get her out, I paid for part of her rent and so on.
She never thank me ever, but that is okay. I let my daughter and grand daughter live with me when my daughter was out of work, I would have never let it be hard on them. About 4 years ago my daughter met this man on the internet and he is living with her. Within a short time, my daughter said my grand daughter could not spend the night with me any more. Within a couple of months she wouldn't let me see her at all and it has been three years. I am afraid my grand daughter will think I have abandoned her and it still eats me up inside. She rents a house in the most expensive part of the Dallas area and tries to get my grand daughter in everything that will hook her up with wealthy neighbors. Two of her friends in the past, have told me that my daughter was a loser and I got really mad at them. However, now I realize she had used them up. I have read a lot about narcissist and it scares me for my grand daughter and that they don't change nor feel empathy for anyone. I really don't know what to do. It seems like you are there too.

TRACEY - posted on 11/24/2013

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I just want you to know you are so very fortunate to have a son in law on your side. Work with him as much as possible

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Mersenne - posted 6 days ago

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Oh my. How I feel for you women. My stepdaughter is a narcissist and has never really accepted me. Her "nice" behavior rang false and was only to get what she wanted. Yes, I know what it's like to deal with the lies and slander, etc. For me the awful part was that I was abused as a child and to be abused by a stepdaughter was just too much. Yet of course she's the victim, and I'm silent and loyal--at least, loyal to my husband, this woman's father. The stepdaughter is now pushing 30 and has just gotten worse. Reading these heartbreaking stories, I see that being the real mother of the narcissist is even more painful, because you ladies have more to work through and accept. Having grandchildren by a narcissist--I can't imagine how difficult that is, for the grandchildren especially.

Roxanne - posted on 04/07/2014

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My daughter is a narcissist also. She is 42 years old and seems to get worse with time. She recently left her husband who was very good to her for a man 15 years younger than her. She will not let me see my grandkids which breaks my heart. They love me very much and we have been extremely close. I'm the only stable factor in their lives. My daughter was an only child and I did the best I could. Nothing I did was ever enough. She blames all of her poor life decisions on me. Everything is my fault. She never misses an opportunity to put me down. She has been viciously cruel to me over the years. Unbelievable the things she has said to me. She is very disrespectful to everyone but I took it personal because I'm her mother. I did everything for her and her kids that I could. Babysat whenever she asked, bought them school clothes and shoes, took them to church, made them dinners. She is arrogant and conceited and has a sense of entitlement that would stun a pharaoh. I saw things in her as a teen but thought she would out grow it. She gets worse.

Judith - posted on 02/26/2014

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You are not alone. I cared for my daughter and Grandson for 9 years. She has alienated my loving Grandson and has rewritten history.

TRACEY - posted on 11/24/2013

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My heart is right with you, this time 3 years ago I was in my daughters delivery room with my first grandson. She wouldn't want me any other place in the world. That little man spent 3 years with me at Gmas house as they lived just a mile away. And now 2 grandchildren more, no hospital visits at all and no relationship since j\July with either her or the children my heart aches. i did not follow her parenting plan and her husband thinks its better with no replationship. My holidays are going to be tough

COLLEEN - posted on 10/19/2013

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I too am realizing that my daughter most likely is narcissistic!! My heart is broken. I also have a son who is like her. He hasn't spoken to me in years. He tells my friend that I know what I did!!! I really don't!! He wont talk to me and now my daughter is doing the same thing.

Jan - posted on 05/25/2013

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Did things get better? Sounds like my daughter she is 24 my grandson 7. Its like a game she plays and had a different childhood in a paralell world. If I don't play by her rules I lose. Its cruel. In hindsight I wonder had I starved my kids. Drank and not clothed them beat them: may have been treated better.

Ariana - posted on 11/16/2012

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Maybe you could ask her to go to a family councellor with you? There are obviously issues that need to be dealt with. It might be able to open up the doors of communication and a councellor might be able to tell you how to handle this situation.

Barbara - posted on 11/16/2012

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Sorry to hear this. This seems to be spreading and talking with some of my friends some of them are going through this too. It must be the generation or the new thing of today. Sorry hope things get better for you and your daughter. I do not understand your grandkids why they are not wanting a relationship with you. They should know better. Grandparents are needed in children lives.

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