my adult daughter is a narcissist

Patricia - posted on 11/16/2012 ( 152 moms have responded )

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My 46 year old daughter is truly a narcissist. I have read a lot on line and she fits the description. I have had problems with her all her life, and once again i am out of the picture. I finally realize that it is "Play by my rules, or you are off the team". She has in one day alone sent me about 60 texts, all of which are full of rage and blame. I have a 19 yr old grandson and 14 yr old granddaughter, whom I have been close with all their lives. Now we are once again estranged, not the first time, and what is really breaking my heart, is the grandkids have chosen not to communicate with me either. In the past, I have found myself agreeing with her acceptng blame for what most of the times I never really knew, just to keep the peace. I just can't do that again. She has so many conditions attached to her..."Do as I say, or you will not include you in our lives", Act the way i want you to, or else... or else...you will be punished. She said in one of her many texts, When will will feelings come first...You meaning me, should devote your life to your children, No I dont think so....She had a good childhood...but all should does is blame and make up stuff and I have tried to fix things by agreeing with her and actually told her "I will try and do better". How pathetic is that...The holidays are now here and no family, how can my grandkids just forget me...we had so many good memories...this is just breaking my heart,,,oh I function because I have to...but this is really getting bad...thanks for listening

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Diane - posted on 02/13/2014

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Hi everyone. My daughter is a narcissist, too. I see now that she always was. Even as a child she had a hidden side to her. I used to say she had shuttered eyes. She was the oldest child and the golden one, always shining under my attention and making me laugh. I was her best fan. And then I didn't give her something she wanted because it was morally wrong and she turned on me when she was 21 years old. She married and now she had a husband and no longer needed me for supply. Of course it was years before I could see everything clearly, but now I see how she played me for years and used me and the affection from her was never genuine. Mommy just was her source of supply. The years after that were confusing. She turned her children against me and started spreading rumors about me to our friends. She was cold and haughty and cruel and yes, she almost destroyed me. The evil a narcissist does in insidious and winds around you like a snake until you're almost dead -- no self esteem, no sense of self, and your history robbed from you and replaced with lies. I am so sorry that anyone has to go through that with a child that they loved and reared with every care and love and respect. No one is perfect but I was a good mom. We have been good moms. I think she was born that way. I have had to separate myself and begin a new life without her. It's hard, but I am finding my way. I wish everyone the best who is dealing with this. It's not pretty.

Kathy - posted on 10/14/2013

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I suspect my 34 year old daughter suffers from narcissistic rage behavior. I was a single mom. She was the oldest of three. Since she left home, she has twisted truths to be viewed as a victim. When she went to college, she joined a church and her "testimony" was that I was the cause of all her problems. When I went to visit and went to church with her, I was looked at like some monster. I have two sons who also see her disorder. She is now married with 3 children. Its too hurtful to write about all of the things, but 3 months ago I witnessed her rage at a neighbor, and her 7 year old son. I witnessed my grandchildren constantly hurting each other and watch her husband walk on egg shells. I decided to broach the subject by praying, telling them I had some concerns, and let them know what I read in the Bible first, before even getting to the concerns. Well, to say the least that led to rage, gritted teeth and being told I was lucky that she even shared her children with me. We live in different states. I was at the end of this one other time years ago, when she again, blamed me for every problem she had. Her father has the same problem and my adult children cut off relationships with him. My other 2 children love their sister, but see her as a problem maker. I just can't keep apologizing to keep the peace. My grand babies age range from 3, 6 & 8 and they love me. Her husband acts as mediator for her and defends her anger. He is a good man and I love him very much. The parallels between her and her father are becoming more and more in common. Messy home, the same anti-depressants (which don't work), refusing to take sincere responsibility for their actions, raging, neighbors not liking them (by her own admission, but that is their problem because she yells at the kids). Her boys are just "boys being boys" they are acting out in violent ways. I was a teacher and know the difference. They yell at her that they hate her, and other disrespectful words, which are not corrected. Her husband is getting his PhD, so he tunes out, but he has to because he is studying. But before he was studying, he wouldn't say a word to them unless she told him to. I am concerned and hurt and don't know what to do. She has already ruined my reputation with people I don't even know. She tries to with my sons, but they shut her down. I just don't know what to do. She has convinced her mother-in-law that I am a bad person, so understandably, she steers clear of me, which I feel is a shame, as she is a really good and kind lady, as is her husband. I just don't know what to do. This has not stopped hurting since July and it is now October. Any suggestions?

Julie - posted on 02/07/2014

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Narcissisits won't go to therapy together because it is never their problem. They are simply done with you and they will slander and lie to get people to see them as victim and us as monsters. I grieved, I validated, I sent loving little emails and never got a response - it's now been nearly 4 years and I finally have come to the conclusion that I need to live my life and live my truth which is that I was a good and loving mother. I'll not have her steal my joy anymore.

Elizabethsarmor - posted on 08/20/2014

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I hope the moderator of this web can look over this occasionally to see if there are the "trolls or raging narcissistic children who hate their parents and can not understand [ there truly are parents who are not at fault for their adult children's behavior. A mother who would be seeking support on these webs does not need additional abuse and pain from those trolling to add insult to injury even taking away a place of support and refuge for these parents due to your posting of shame and blame on them. Find your own web support and rage there. Give these parents some space to vent. Blessings

Vicki - posted on 01/06/2014

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My daughter is a narcissist. I did everything for her because I wanted her to make it. She was placed in special education and I fought to get her out. I helped her with her homework, bought her three cars that she totaled, did most of her work in college so she could graduate and have a chance at life. She lied about why she got divorced. She said he had tried to strangle her. The truth was he went out on her. My grand daughter was the greatest thing ever in my life. I was there for my daughter and my grand daughter up until three years ago. I helped take care of my grand daughter, played with her took her movies, paid a number of times for her child care because my daughter kept writing hot checks. My daughter was arrested for a ticket and a warrant was issued, I paid the $600 to get her out, I paid for part of her rent and so on.
She never thank me ever, but that is okay. I let my daughter and grand daughter live with me when my daughter was out of work, I would have never let it be hard on them. About 4 years ago my daughter met this man on the internet and he is living with her. Within a short time, my daughter said my grand daughter could not spend the night with me any more. Within a couple of months she wouldn't let me see her at all and it has been three years. I am afraid my grand daughter will think I have abandoned her and it still eats me up inside. She rents a house in the most expensive part of the Dallas area and tries to get my grand daughter in everything that will hook her up with wealthy neighbors. Two of her friends in the past, have told me that my daughter was a loser and I got really mad at them. However, now I realize she had used them up. I have read a lot about narcissist and it scares me for my grand daughter and that they don't change nor feel empathy for anyone. I really don't know what to do. It seems like you are there too.

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Ellie - posted 1 day ago

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Cindy Lee....I have not addressed your post. I dont believe that all the parents in here are Narcissists, just as I dont believe all the children in here are narcissists. I dont personally know your situation. THe two people I have addressed....one was mad about a child under 7 years old being happy when recieving toys and eventually breaking them. Another recently posted about her golden child and how amazing of a person she is and then 4 years later posts about how she is the scum of the earth....typical N behavior. I'm sorry if my post offended you, but again...every mother on here shuold search thier hearts as to why thier children react in some ways. Their child very well may be a narcissist, but I am telling you right now, by what I have read and growing up under a narcissist...some of the mothers in here are the actual narcissists. Not all, not most, but some. If my posts seem alarming to you, just search your heart. If you are worried about it, seek counseling. :)

Nicole - posted 1 day ago

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I was diagnosed with fibroid and my two tube was blocked also, it is almost a year now since i order an herbal product from (Oduduwa Ajakaye) on facebook, Today i have giving birth to a baby boy

Cindy - posted 1 day ago

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Gherkin Rose, it seems that you are judging a lot of parents on here .. Sorry but I disagree. , it's not always the parents fault .. I am very happy to have completely written my daughter off .. If you read my posts , you will know why. And I dong care who judges it .. She is. 40 years old with a child and she was busy with drugs and other activities .. It's on her, her behaviors , her drug use and everything that she's done.. She is one of 9, all have same father .. She a awful evil person and I feel good about my decision to strike her out of my life in every way .. You can't blame the parents for every serial killer so you should not judge or give what you believe is statistics as your reason .. No it's not our fault that our kid is a self centered, evil person who has lied and abused everyone in her life .. It's about time she start taking responsebility for her behavior.. And many parents feel the same way.. I refuse to sacrifice my children , grandchildren or husband for a kid who has done the things that she has done .. And I'm not the ( n ) she is.. And I'm not the one who beat siblings up or burnt animals alive, she is.. So if you feel so bad for these evil kids .. Try raising one, because I know that it's not our fault and it feels good to say I can't stand her and I'm happy to write her off..

Ellie - posted 1 day ago

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I'm sorry Tatum....but who blames a 1-7 year old for being happy when you buy her things and then blames her for breaking the toy? She is a CHILD....she was not born into this world to love you....she was born into this world to be loved. I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother....and you said one of the VERY things she would often say, "but I was important too." Her behavior as a child and growing up shows that she wanted your love and attention and from everything you just wrote, it shows that you honestly do not love her. No wonder she reacts the way she does. Everything you listed is NORMAL childlike behavior!

Ellie - posted 1 day ago

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I have only one child, she's almost 20. I made the decision to have just one right after I had her. I had 36 hours of labor and I never forgot the pain. For me, I knew that one was all that I wanted to handle. I have no regrets having only one and If I had to do it again, I would still make the same decision. However, these days with the world so upside down, I probably would not bring a child into the world at all. I found it extremely difficult raising a teenager (even though she is a great child), and would not do it again. The bigger they get, the more difficult it is to deal with adolesants and the challanges. I have been blessed with a daughter that doesn't drink, doesn

t smoke or take drugs. She is beautiful. She has a good head on her shoulders, but I would not want to bring up another child. It takes endless patience, lots of money and sometimes it's a thankless job . Everyone has to make their own choice and I'm very happy with mine. Good luck to all of the moms out there! By the way, I'm 50.

Kathy - posted 1 day ago

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I admire you're courage to cut your daughter out of your life. I have been back and fourth with that dilemma for about a year now. I have a beautiful little grand baby who is 2 1/2 and another one on the way! Ugh! I just don't know if I can leave them. I love being a grandma but the turmoil is overpowering the joy I rarely get. I just posted a long post above. I only have one child so this is my only chance.

Kathy - posted 1 day ago

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I am the mother of a narcissistic daughter. She is 24 years old. I didn't know what was wrong with her until my husband (her step dad) did some research on personality disorders about a year ago. She fits the bill to a tee and also has some Boarderline personality disorder as well. My husband and I have been in a great deal of emotional pain for the past 3 1/2 years. This is when she decided to get married. She met this young man through a friend. He lives in another state. When we first met him we liked him. Things have gone down hill rapidly. My daughter tricked him into having a child by telling him her birth control failed. My daughter is a chronic liar and we knew her birthcontrol didn't fail, she purposely didn't take her birth control pills. Her husband didn't not want children at that point. Their marriage was rocky to say the least. My daughter is extremely lazy and inspite of the fact that she is a dental assistant she cannot hold down a job. She always has conflict with her employer or the employees. What is killing my husband and I is,she now has a 2 1/2 year old beautiful little girl and another on the way!!! My daughter is neglectful of our grand daughter to the point that I don't know if I can stand it any longer. Her husband hates this child because he never wanted her in the first place. My daughter face times me several times a day and every time I see her I see som many things wrong. Here s what I see.....my daughter parents from the couch. She rarely gets off the couch to care for my grand daughter. If my grand daughter need something she goes to get it and brings it to my daughter. Sometimes she lets my GD (grand daughter) change her own poopy diaper, she doesn't get her dressed all day not does she comb her hair, the house is not child proof, when my GD was about a year old my daughter stopped buckling her in her high chair and when she was done feeding her she left the tray off the high chair so,the baby could fall out or get out. She never used a bib and usually doesn't bother to even wash her after she has eaten, leaving my GD dirty. She puts her to bed in dirty clothes, not bothering to put her in pajamas. She has trained my GD to thrown any unwanted food on the floor. They have a dog and the dog eats what's left on the floor. If my GD wants to go play in another room my daughter won't let her because she won't get out of bed or off the couch to watch her. My daughter locks my GD in her room several times a day, claiming she's in ther for a nap. She lets my GD eat what ever she wants at any time of day, cookies, chips and such for breakfast. What ever my GD can get from the cupboard, she can have. My daughter won't get up to get her food unless it's breakfast, lunch or dinner then she only eats frozen or fast food. No vegetables or healthy food. My GD rarely gets out doors as my daughter is too lazy to get off the couch and take her out. We have bought my daughter several things for the baby like baby monitor, baby thermometer that rolls across the forehead, pretty baby clothes and she claims that the baby gadgets don't work. A lot of things she uses she claims are broken or don't work. She has no sense of empathy of concern when my GD gets hurt. She doesn't even pick her up to see if she's ok after falling or getting hurt. She just tells the toddler it will be ok. She lets her play on the concrete on her playhouse, climbing in and out of the playhouse windows. I have asked her sever times to move the playhouse on softer ground to no avail. She says even playgrounds are on concrete! I told,her that wasn't true. She doesn't care in the least about the child's safety or well being. My son in law hates this little girl and only yells at her and literally pushes her aside. Once he even physically pushed her down when she was two. He wants nothing to do with her. She says I never did anything for her but I gave her more than I probably should have. She's an only child. Her in laws bought them a house, a fixer upper and they worked really hard to make it. Ice for them but they stopped working on the House because my daughter was treating them so poorly, so now the house isn't complete and there are dangerous things that the baby could get hurt on. My daughter takes my grand daughter out in the cold with only a diaper on. When I question that she says it's only from the house to the car and she's ok. When my GD has a cold my daughter won't wipe her nose as she says she can't keep up with it. Nothing matters in regards to this child. Everything is just good enough. She also would strap her in her car seat when she was younger so she couldn't get out and play. She would prop her up in front of the tv for as long as my GD would sta there. To this day, all she does is put the TV on and they watch tv all day. If my GD is sick she drags her feet to get her medical attention. She just figures she will get over her illness on her own.but if my daughter is just slightly I'll,she goes to the doctor immediately and wants sympathy. My daughter has this high pitched voice and she yells all day. I've tried many times to talk to her about these issues and she hangs up on me. She also threatens me with not being able to see my HD if I keep it up. I could go on and on. My daughter won't listen to anything I say and my dilemma is that seeing what goes on in their household is very painful for us and I sometimes contemplate cutting the relationship off completely with my daughter to spare me the pain. However, my little grand baby means the world to me and I so want to be there for her. We live in different states by design. I could never live near my daughter. I feel like cutting everything off u til my grand daughter can fly alone (age 5) and I can take her for visits without her parents. My relationship with my daughter is toxic and its stressing me out to the point of where I can't cope any more. Oh, and my daughter doesn't cook or clean either. She's also been physically abusive to her husband and had an affair. Her husband won't divorce her for religious reasons. He also was a product of physical abuse and a very poor childhood. Now there's another baby on the way. I really don't know what to do.

Ellie - posted 4 days ago

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I'm not trying to stir the pot, but moms should search thier heart on here and make sure they arent "gaslighting".....a lot of times the moms are the ones with NPD but cannot see it in themselves and will blame thier children.

Tatum - posted 4 days ago

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Today, I was telling a friend f mine about my experience with my now 20 year old daughter. It came up, because I was watching a woman on the telly who was raving on about motherhood and how it was the best experience ever. 'Really' I said. He laughed(he has no children). He thought most women thought that. After my experience of motherhood (one child), I beg to differ. I actually wondered if people said that because that's what they think they should say. My experience of motherhood has been a complete nightmare. A one way street, where I would give, but never receive. I always knew something was wrong, but because I only had one child, I didn't really have anything to compare it to. From the age of 1 - 7, things were strange. My daughter was only happy if I bought her something, and took great pleasure in not taking care of it. things would break daily. I assumed this was normal. Then from about 8 - 11 the school would contact me constantly about her lying and manipulating her school mates. Then from 12 - 17 she went into overdrive. She would try and control me by hiding my shoes, so I would be late for work, or hide my keys so I couldn't get out the house. Leave objects at the top of the stairs, and just stare if I fell down the stairs. She would openly tell me she didn't like me, and pulled a knife on me twice.. By the second time, it dawned on me, if I didn't detach myself from her, I would end up dead, or in a mental hospital. From the age of 17, I stopped caring. I didn't look for her if she went missing, I didn't monitor where she was or who she was with. I just left her to it. And of course, she got pregnant. This was a blessing. It calmed her down. she had a lovely baby, but then a new set of manipulation came into play, using the baby as a tool. She felt as though she had a new hold on me. So I had to pretend, I wasn't bothered. This worked for abit, where I didn't see her for a while (about 7 months), she seemed very happy to bring the baby to see me. Then over the next few moths, her old behaviour came back. So I distanced myself again. Sorry that my granddaughter had to suffer, but I was important too. My daughter was so manipulative when she was growing up, I was afraid to have a boyfriend. I was afraid she would accuse him of something (as I knew this was what she did to people she didn't like) so after introducing her to a couple of male "friends" and seeing her behaviour. I decided that if I was going to see anyone, it would have to be away from my home. This was almost impossible as a single mum, so I just waited until she got to 18 before I started officially dating. Shortly after I met my husband. I didn't introduce them (they have never met). He has no intention of meeting her (possibly based on what he has been told) and she doesn't acknowledge that he exists, so that's fine by me. I recently found out I am expecting. This knocked me for six. I was very distraught, having nightmares about my first experience of motherhood. My father assured me history wouldn't repeat itself, and that I should just enjoy my second shot. I never ever thought I would write off my daughter and completely have nothing to do with her, but after the second time she puled a knife on me, I realised that this was the only way I would have any peace in my life. She doesn't know im having another child. I want to just have a nice pregnancy, with no drama (she is very good at creating conflict and drama). My mother wants me to tell her about the baby, but Im not ready. Something tells me that because she is an only child she thinks she can do and say anything and I have to forgive her (spreading lies, making me fall out with friends and neighbours and relatives etc). I don't want this new baby anywhere near her, I would be scared for his safetly (he is due in a couple of months). Having read a few other stories, I feel much better, that im not the only person who when through this. Well done all the mothers who managed to accept who they are dealing with, and who are willing to put themselves first. I wish you peace and love.

Mary - posted on 03/18/2015

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She once again got into my Facebook through another account she made. Made me feel like a piece of shirt again with all her lies and my friends and family believe her. Nothing I can do but sit back and cry. Some days are better then others.

[deleted account]

STOP CRYING! DISENGAGE! Your life is still ahead of you. Don't let her dictate the terms of it, even if she is your child!

[deleted account]

You are not "pathetic." You are valiant. The children will wise up later - alas maybe too late for you. Take courage that you did the best you could (who doesn't??) and LIVE YOUR LIFE NOW. It is all you have. Please don't spend it agonizing about a narcissistic kid!

[deleted account]

Reading all your posts has been life affirming because I see pieces of my story reflected in all your posts. I did not know that there were other woman who shared my experience. I have just decided to discontinue all contact with my narcissistic daughter who has zero respect, regard or empathy for me, but I thought I was alone in my experiences of my child, and then late last night, I found your posts and I sat with a tear in my eye until 1.30 in the morning reading them.


All we hear about is 'daughters of narcissistic mothers', forgetting that these 'narcissistic mothers' were once also someone's daughter, and not enough is said about mothers of narcissistic daughters. Unfortunately, Personality Disorders are not diagnosed young enough, while we also say that the first 7 years of life are so important in human development. If only there were some kind of pre-diagnosis or signs to look out for, parenting advise can be tailored to suit the child's own unique nature. As I read your posts I see so many of you mention early signs that are similar to what I experienced. Hopefully the science of Psychology one day catches up.

Like so many of you, I was also abused by a raging narcissist as a child, I also had my daughter when I was young, her father was also a hateful narcissist. I was young when I had her and my confidence was shattered by the abuse I had been through, and I lacked all support systems and self belief, so I had to accept the help of both my abusers, so she was basically a child brought up by me and my enermies!

My child was also different as a baby - very alert and aware and she cried vorciferrously if she did not get attention. I bought modern attatchment parenting values so I kept her in my bed and if I dozed off to sleep she would scream at me- not because she was in any distress, but because she wanted me to talk to her. If I fell asleep even for a second, during the nights of those first nine months, she would scream to wake me up to talk to her! I was completely sleep deprived every night, all night, for the first nine months, but I was so impressed by my little baby and thought her engaging nature was so cute and impressive at such a young age.

Once when I was in a supermarket with her she screamed and shook her pram while I was looking at the shelves. The staff came running - they thought she was being killed - but when the ladies working at the supermarket ran to the pram to look at her, she quietened down immediately and they saw she just wanted attention. These older, traditional woman from a different generation exclaimed that there is nothing wrong, this baby is just naughty.

And so insidiously the control began.

Because many of us were victimised ouselves, we don't have ourselves to give, and these kids suck the life blood out of you . We don't have a strong core - the self confidence and self belief that it takes to raise a child is not there in a young abused mother and because these children in particular have such a strong will to power, they sense our weakness at a young age. The weaker we feel inside, the stronger they become and so the vicious cycle of abuse begins again.

I beat myself up for my inadequacies my whole life while she raged at me. I struggled to connect with her because she was exceptionally pompous from a young age. I suppose when you have been brought up by a narcissist yourself, you find bragadosio leaves you cold. Even as a young child, she tried to tell me what to do and spoke down to me as if she was my parent. She took her examples from my other two abusers.

I think an important part of parenting is establishing the correct power balance with a child to establish you are in charge, from the beginning. It should not be all about the needs of the individual child but also about the needs of siblings, parents and the wider community. Modern child centric parenting styles requires that mothers lives revolve around their children and their needs and there is little focus on consideration for the parent or others in general. All this helicopter parenting, especially in the succeptible child, feeds the narcissism. It also suggests that we give up ourselves for our children and perversely we must do this while mothers are encouraged, more than ever, to be in the workforce.

Childhood, teenage years, early adulthood has all been filled with pain and selfishness and her overblown ego. There were extravagant emotional outbursts, excessive financial demands, playing one parent against the other with false accusations and various attempts to turn others against me. She wanted complete control of me and if she couldn't get it she would rage.

Finally, after a year long estrangement, she calls me a day before my 45th birthday to request that she and her boyfriend take me out to dinner. Once again I was sucked in, dinner was great and she was on her best behaviour in front of him but a few days later she sent me a scathing letter telling me how I am a faliure, together with advice for my self correction and self improvement. This from someone who has never held a steady job in her life and who is a sheltered 24 year old. She is not really looking for a mother, but she wishes I were a high status individual, like her boyfriend's mother who is a successful estate agent. She wants me to be Miss Moneybags and provide her with cash and she needs the ego gratification and narcissistic supply she can get from parading me around as someone she can show off to everyone.

I have decided that I will never be anyones victim again and that I will never be taken in again. I am done. I don't need to prove my worth to anyone. Reading your inspirational sad stories, I realise that she will not change and unlike so many of you, who have bravely stood by your narcissistic daughers beyond the call of duty - even for as long as 30 years - I will learn from you, draw strength from you, and I say enough is enough. I have decided to cut her off permanently this time and I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Hugs to all of you

Mary - posted on 03/10/2015

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This message is for Cindy Lee I read your story and this sounds so much like my daughter. I read her Facebook again today and cried all day because of her lies and abuse towards me. I admit I don't love her any more because of all the lies she has told on me and yes she has threatened me also. She uses her children against me. And all I can do is cry

Virginia - posted on 03/03/2015

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Hey, I am getting notified that I am getting replies but don't see how to access them! HELP!

Virginia - posted on 03/03/2015

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Here is an update on my darling girl who chose to punish me by having me arrested! She herself has been arrested as well. I tried to do the right thing by meeting with a therapist. She can't handle that because she is a narcissist. Its never about them or their mistakes, its me, I am the broken one. Well I am broken! I have lost a stillborn son as well as my 28 year old 7 years tomorrow. While it would be nice to have ever gotten support from her on any of those awful angelversies OR birthdays or anything would be great but its never happened. She has no empathy for anyone beyond herself! She had to storm out and wait to ambush me in the parking lot out of anyone else's presence. I for one could never ever call my mother a f****ing Bitch! Well finally, I told her she was too. While I may never get mother of the year award, I have no regrets. I finally have my self-respect back. And I am done trying to placate this selfish, self-absorbed person. BTW, I am an RN. I do have an education in dealing with people in that profession capacity for 22 years. I am strong I am learning. Maybe its a kick in the behind from my kids in Heaven telling me that I am. I have to be. Tears, but feeling stonger.

Cindy - posted on 03/03/2015

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So happy to see that there are other moms on here that have dealt with similar problems.. Often there is a lot of judgement by people who only hear one part of a story.. ( adult children ) No one wants to question or confront the person because they fall into the web of lies that has been laid before them..My husband and I have been together 40 plus years. We have 9 children together.. Our children were loved, nurtured and had all the things they ever needed.. We were not rich , but the kids will always say they loved their childhood and hold wonderful memories of sharing and family.. I also loved our life even during hard times.. Dinners together , outside games and activities together, rides, mini vacations. , sports, .church, We have 15 grandchildren and our children are raising them with the same values..we see nothing wrong in the way we raised our family. Our children always had Great Christmas's and birthdays.. We were always able to provide.. Now you wonder , where am I going with this ? Well, one of our 9 children who is now 38, the 3rd born, was always angry and embarrassed of being in a large family, she always wanted more and would often hit, spit at, and torment her siblings. She would seek out the sympathy of whomever would listen to her stories.. She wanted more then we could give her and would make friends with people based on the wealth of their family and how much sympathy she could garner from her allegations of abuse.. Basically I called it, ( crying wolf ) we loved All our children equally and put lots of effort into our daughter just trying everything to make her happy. It is what parents do.. Nothing ever seemed to make her happy, if she was at school or even years later at work when she came across a person who did not fall in line and agree with her perceptions she would go after them with accusations and assaults.. In her 38 years if life she has used the word rape against several people and even the U.S. Navy, claiming the recruitor who gave her the physical abused her , being her mother I did what I thought I needed to do and called Washington with a complaint.. It never happened she accused men that she worked with of abuse, she accused the day care her son attended of rape, she accused her brothers friend of rape.. She would tell me that men found her so beautiful that the supervisor at the lumber store told her that she was to beautiful to be working there and that's why men bothered her.. Our daughter was never abused, never raped, she was in and out of our house and we tryed everything to help her but God knows how hard it was .. We never gave up but to this day everything that she has done is someone else's fault. She was very involved with drugs through school and to this day. Eventually she became pregnant and I thought maybe this might change her. , we tryed being involved but she cut contact again, during a visit with the doctor they told her that they found drugs and would have to report her if her tests came back positive again.. She changed doctors and said the doctor told her to smoke weed for nausea , I told her I didn't believe that a doctor would recommend that.. So she cut us off.. When her son was born we didn't see him and saw him once when she needed firewood for heat .. She sat smoking weed with her son in car seat soaked in dirty diaper while we cut wood and loaded truck.. I asked her to get help and yes I made a call out of concern for grandchild.. It went no where. The father of the child was in the picture but she often made accusations about him , we didn't talk because she had told vile lies about us, when she was trying to get custody of her son she documented how the 2 of them would capture animals and burn them alive in front if the son, you would think the courts would have mandated counseling but she played the victim card , still they stayed together, did their drugs together and even took pictures of her son at 2 years old smoking weed from a pipe.. Eventually she was arrested for driving under the influence, I went to court with her but she never went back, to avoid being arrested she went to a phych unit and bam, she learned the system and how to scam it.. She met a younger boy on the internet, kicked the father out and had the boy move in with her.. Suddenly she accused the boys father if molesting her son.. Well, I could go on and on, but I will say, I refuse to feel guilty about the way I feel, I'm tired of it , her siblings are tired of it.. She has made allegations and death threats against me and the family .. And after she goes off on a tangent she tries reconnecting , each time she reconnects when she cuts contact the attacks get worse .. I ( we ) are more peed off then hurt .. We have had enough, I, refuse to be attacked verbally and have lies and insults constantly waged against us.. I want her to stand up and be made accountable for all the lies.. At this point, I say, I want to never have any contact , it's much healthier , let her move on and have a life.. Just leave us alone.. She's a adult, she needs to take responcebility for her actions.. She's already destroying her sons life .. And I know if she continues to wage her vile attacks and spreading lies, I will in fact take her to court to prove all the things she spews.. I believe that she probably has mental health issues and her drug anuse has not helped that. What I resent is that the system has turned her into a victim.. And she has never had to take responcebity for her actions.. So if she's out there and can read this , I want her to know that we really are finished, it's healthier for all of us .. I do not feel any love and I know that's ok to say, I'm not going to candy coat it.. I plan on making it legal.. And I don't care if people judge me or my family.. It doesn't matter wheather or not it's your child they have no right to verbally or physically abuse. They are adults, you have done the best parenting possible.. And it's time that they stand up and take responcebility.. As a child my life truly was unbearable, the abuse was terrible but I never let it Impose on my family.. This daughter has benifited by playing the victim and LIEING ! And we are tired if it. We wish her luck on whatever her life journeys take her but we are finished .. Thanks for listening.. And I know that there are other parents out there that are afraid to admit how they feel but at some time you have to stop enabling ..

Virginia - posted on 03/03/2015

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I am new to this group and over the past few months, I have finally figured out after 7 months of this last silent treatment, I am no longer willing to grovel, beg or plead for whatever I have done this time. I finally was able to get my 32 yr old daughter into a counseling session with me to discuss whatever her issues were with me. I was encouraged until I saw the text from her, bring her passport and last years taxes. Okay, conditions again, Not because she might miss me or something normal like that. As soon as she met her new boyfriend last Memorial Day, it didn't take her long to let go of her narssicitic supply, me. Boy she can manipulate. Now, as of Dec., she is engaged to this one after breaking the engagement of the first fiancé at the same time! She now doesn't call me "mom", she calls me by my first name. When she entered the therapists office, I said hi, she snubbed me. Then the ranting and raving about what a bad person I am, and my whole family hates me. She was there for one reason and one reason only, which I suspected. She interupted the session to ask (demand), where are her things. I didn't bring them. I haven't really had time to look. I was very busy with my other daughter visiting me and I truly wanted to see that she was there only to get her stuff. She got up and told me she is done with me and stormed out. Luckily I was prepared for it. After studying on the ND sites, I have seen the error of my ways, You see, tomorrow is 7 years that we lost my son who was 28. She has been exploiting my bereaved mother's status all of this time, fully well knowing that I would do anything to not have to lose another child in any way shape or form. I just woke up and am tired of her demands on me and being ignored until I grovel, beg or plead asking her to please talk to me," what Have I done? I am sorry, call me, I love you". This IS the last straw! I stayed in the session and when I left, she was waiting to confront me at my car to call me an f'ing bitch, how dare I not give her those things. She got in my face pointing her finger at me, I got scared as she started to push me and squeezed my water bottle which got both of us a little wet. Then I left. When I got home, there were 2 police officers at my door coming to arrest me for assault and battery with a water bottle. This is all because I won't let her control me anymore. I have never been arrested in my life and while is was slightly humiliating, I knew in my heart that she made this up just to punish me! She stated that I threw water on her and then hit her in the chest with my flimsy little water bottle and showed them a red mark on her chest, obviously made by her. She had on a heavy winter coat, really? Okay, they take me home, we have a court date. Then I went to file a cross warrant. I am meeting her at the level that she is escalating this to. Oh, she also yelled at me "Now you have to lose another child because you are dead to me, and you won't be at my wedding or ever meet your grand-children" I said, well, I kind of figured that knowing you. How cruel is that to exploit the bereaved status of your own Mom? I have sent this girl numerous texts, phone calls, invites to counseling. When I found out about a very serious health issue she has, I was told by my other daughter, I sent a beautiful bouquet to her work, No acknowledgment because I didn't call that time. I was afraid of being ignored or yelled at if she did answer. I have figured out that the longer I don't let her control me, the angrier she gets, so who is in control now? Me, I am. I have filed cross charges due to her waiting to attack me away from the therapist, who would never have stood for her behavior or abuse. Now she has to take 2 times off from work. Its really funny to see that once you start treating them the way they treat you, they snap. She called me one time to tell me that she was engaged. I said" Congratulations, do you have anything else to say to me?" Her reply was "NOPE" Then she asked do I have anything to say to her and I replied " I don't know, you haven't spoken to me in months." Then the demands started! "HOW ABOUT AN APOLOGY! Me- "For what?" Then her "OMG! I don't believe you!" I then said that I am hanging up. I cannot let her suck me in again. And I hope that she can't have children. Her health issues may very well prevent that. I have already figured out that they would be pawns. Now that I have figured out that she is an ND to the max, I would rather deal without her abuse because she is so toxic to me. At least I know that I have been a great Mom to all of my kids, supporting and loving to them always, they all had the extras of summer camp and travels overseas with us. I have to live with self-respect for myself and I won't be a martyr for her anymore, like her love is a gift to give and take as she chooses. During one of her mini silent treatments. When I finally begged her to call me, I got the reason out of her ..... are you ready everyone ? ......" You didn't pick up my dry cleaning for me when I asked you to." She also gave me the cold shoulder for one whole month of Dec. She was going to Hawaii for 2 weeks with her first fiancé and asked me to go over every day to take care of and feed her cat. At the time, I was caregiver to my 92 year old Dad who was living with us for 8 months. I told her no because I am up to my eyeballs taking care of him and my own animals and house. And it was December and Christmastime. She blew up and me and refused to speak to me because as she said, "You don't work, you are home all day and you can't find one hour every day to help me? No, I can't. I texted her on Christmas Day to say "Merry Christmas", It was ignored. There is no real love from her to me, no wish for mutual love and respect. I can't be her doormat, whipping post and give in to her emotional terrorism and blackmail. Its really gotten severe over the last few years growing in severity and I don't know why.

Linda - posted on 03/02/2015

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Well, At a glance it appears that brain patterns indicate less activity in the area of the brain for empathy and more in the area of the brain that when at rest shows excessive self- absorption. That makes so much sense.

And reiterates that we must stay away from them, limit contact- which is so sad to me- but certainly has proven to be true. Each and every event that I've had with my daughter has been disastrous- showers, wedding- etc.

So- absolutely there is a genetic predilection- I think they said 68% can be accounted for by genetics. IN my case I am aware that due to my mother's treatment of me, I was too cautious with my daughter- avoiding confrontation- also she had a recognized anxiety disorder which made me even more cautious- sad- the little girl I thought I could reinvent the mother daughter relationship with- ended up duplicating it.
Linda

Sarah - posted on 03/02/2015

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The daughter with ODD was not officially diagnosed with ADHD, but she certainly displayed characteristics of the disorder. Both of my daughters are very attractive, and present charming personalities to strangers and colleagues. When I first read about ODD I remember that one of the researchers commented that people with this disorder are often perfectly normal outside the home?! Given your experience in the field, I'm reassured by your thought that my opinion re psychopharm is accurate.

Linda - posted on 03/01/2015

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Did the child who was dxed ODD also have ADHD? Just wondering as they usually flow together.? I will surely go back to some neuropsych journals to check it out- my husband believed that it was genetic- and he was in med school 40 years ago- when everything was the mother's fault- but I also remember when the Borderline DX first became 'news' how one psychiatrist was saying that these are all 'attractive' people.' Truth is that in my experience with narcissists- they do have a tendency to be able to get away with things more than 'average' in appearance or talent people.
Still my daughter even moves her hands like my mother used to do- with grace I might add. Love your perspective on why there is so little attention paid to this vis a vis psychopharm- and I'm quite sure that's accurate.

Linda

Sarah - posted on 03/01/2015

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Hi Linda,

Have spent hours on google, looking up "research articles on personality disorders", and "research articles on narcissism". That seems to screen anecdotal information. The heartbreak brought about by personality disorders is horrendous, and I believe that not enough research is being done--perhaps because the pharmaceutical industry doesn't see any payoff in drug development. One article stated that 70% of incarcerated men have personality disorders, so it seems to me that much more research is needed for the sake of society, never mind individuals who suffer.

If you have any trouble finding credible material, I will try to put together a list, with websites that will define narcissism and the other personality disorders. You might want to take into consideration that until recent advances in genetic and neurological research, it was common practice to blame environment, and some older psychiatrists and psychologists adhere to what they were taught in school 40 years ago, or 30, or 20 years ago, or even 10 years ago.

One of my daughters was diagnosed with Oppositional/Defiant disorder when she was only five--we were told her score was "off the charts". She has been a thorn in my heart for 50 years. The younger daughter was perhaps always a narcissist, but only recently became cruel and spiteful. Her long-term use of anxiolytics may have had an adverse effect on her personality. We cannot change these individuals, and need to try to find ways to heal our hearts. Good luck!

Linda - posted on 03/01/2015

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Sarah Wood, thank you for the info on the research regarding the genetics of this. I have worked in the mental health field all my life- now retired and my husband was a psychiatrist. My daughter from the age of 11 demonstrated the exact manipulative and destructive behaviors of my own mother who was a cruel, deadly narcissist. My father who had no psychological savvy used to say to me 'You're gonna have trouble with her." I in turn got angry with him- but as it has panned out- my God have I suffered on account of her. When she was a teenager- she's in her early 30's now- I found that I was becoming afraid of her- I'd do things to keep her from attacking me as I did with my mother- and so in that way I wondered if I wasn't reinforcing the stuff.
Can you direct me to literature that supports the genetics of this stuff?? And if I find any I w ill post it to the group.

Elaine - posted on 02/25/2015

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Than you Sarah it's hard to walk away but you are right I must it's consuming me
Many thanks

Elaine Steed

Sarah - posted on 02/24/2015

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Your comment about narcissists being made not born is not supported by neurological research. Personality disorders have been demonstrated to be genetic, with neuroscientists finding the alleles associated with narcissism, borderline personality disorder et alia. Your accusatory tone is very unkind to the mothers in this post who are clearly suffering great pain. Can't imagine what you hoped to accomplish.

Sarah - posted on 02/22/2015

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From all the research articles I have read on personality disorders (like narcissism) the conclusion is that these disorders are primarily genetic--the alleles have been found on the bands of chromosomes. So the sad and tired mothers who have narcissistic children should not add guilt to their heartbreak.

Most people are aware of the various mental illnesses that afflict family and friends, but very few people know about personality disorders--which can create havoc in families. The definition of a personality disorder from the Mayo Clinic is "a type of mental disorder in which you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning and behaving." Most people with personality disorders lack empathy and remorse--and someone else is always to blame for whatever negative behavior they exhibit.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders used by psychiatrists and psychologists only added personality disorders, and the descriptions in the mid-20th century.

While it is very disheartening to discover that a loved child has a previously well-disguised personality disorder like narcissism, there is no cure for them, so we must make ourselves carry on and try to enjoy life without them.

Elaine - posted on 02/21/2015

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To Vicky I have spent 2 hours responding to your letter and the computer somehow lost it please let me know if it's found I can't sleep but can't write anymore
please if any one finds my lost blog let me know Elaine a Steed

Allyson - posted on 02/21/2015

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I would buy the "a narcissistic adult child is made, not born" except that I'm the daughter of a slightly narcissistic mom and did everything possible NOT to follow in my mom's footsteps...I had 3 daughters, nurtured them, encouraged them, etc. and only 1 became unruly, disrespectful, and all the other ugly things that come out when someone is narccissistic...a term I just recently heard about and when I delved further into it, it was like they were talking about my middle daughter. So, is it genetic, kind of? I reallly don't know. All I know is that my 34 yr. old daughter began mistreating me when she was about 13 yrs old and hasnt' stopped. I do all I can for her; I've practically raised her 2 children because she wasn't there for them (drugs, etc.) and now that she's cleaned up her act, she's homeless and i offered her shelter...and I'm so sorry I did. I'm now trying to gather enough $$ to put a down payment on a small vehicle for her so she can hopefully "get on with her life" and take the children with her (their choice)...the kids who have been with me for years and are now treating me with as much disrespect as she does. All I know is, it hurts...and I'm sorry I feel the way I do, but it's like I can't wait for her and her children now to leave me in peace. It's borderline elder abuse (I'm 64). I'm so sorry I helped her and keep helping her...but I just want her gone. I know that sounds cruel and wrong, but I just want to have my older years more peaceful. She has a hard time working with others and thankfully has just recently gotten a job caring for animals (horses) and is doing well with that. Hopefully she'll be able to move out, soon. Her 12 yr old daughter is in counselling for her bad behaviors and I know if they counsellor knew just how MY daughter is, he'd understand the entire situation. As it is I'm always to blame for whatever goes wrong, or even slightly wrong. My heart goes out to all you moms who have an adult child with this disorder

Elaine - posted on 02/21/2015

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Please can I ask a q uestion of any family member or a person with scitzaphrinia
If the meds do stabilise the condition does the hating stop and the love return ?

Vicky - posted on 02/20/2015

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Jennifer was the "perfect"child. So sweet. And she always told me how lucky she was to have me as a mom and how her friends were all so jealous. She had never in any way that I know had hurt, let alone tried to hurt anyone until she tried to kill her father.After Larry died she got really cranky,but NONE of us were even remotely ourselves. But then she started trying to kill me. I was in denial. I would wake up at night and my almost 15 year old son would be on the floor by the couch I was sleeping on, holding a butcher knife. He said that he was so afraid that jennifer was going to kill me. I told him that he was overreacting because his daddy had just died. I tried to get her into counseling but she said she would kill me before getting treatment. That is when she started hitting me super hard, especially in my stomach. I never fought back. I would plead to her to please stop.TThe last time in that time period was when she was hitting so hard in the stomache.I said "Stop honey. You are going to kill the baby." She said that is what she was trying to do. That is when my son, casey, beat the shit out of her. She left that night and moved into her friends' family. [i have no idea what she told them]
When LJ was born, he was way different from other babies. He was/is Autistic like i am [ did not know why I was so different from other people at the time] which affected his behavior. But, there were other things too. He rarely slept [actually that is also an Autistic thing] and screamed as though in terrible pain, I kept bringing him to the doctor and he said he was fine, that every baby is different. When Autism was finally recognized, we all assumed that he had been in pain during his first year of life because of the sensory issues that usually come with autism.

It was years later that the pains came back. He would pass out dozens of times a day from the pain. That's when all the scans started and the lesions on both sides of his thalamus were discovered. A stroke, probably pre-birth, most likely from physical injury since both sides of the talamus are affected. Jennifer has never been told this. Neither has LJ [ I do worry that he will discover it now that he is an adult and can asses his records if he ever chooses to] My daughter is an RN and does work for Kaiser,, which is also our health provider, so I wonder if she knows this.

I do not think my daughter is a psychopath but I do not know. I think that she was so affected by believing my sister and trying to kill her dad that it has horribly affected her percetions. This is all I can handle right now.

.

Elaine - posted on 02/20/2015

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Dear Sarah the shock of her husband brain Tumor could have switched on the trigge.r it sound more like schizophrenia or bi polar and she is probably ill she does not hate you it's the illness makes people channel their hate towards the ones they love mostlovelove,mistake was to argue with most

Sarah - posted on 02/19/2015

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Thanks for sharing your story--I thought I was alone in having a 49-year-old daughter turn on me, after I spent all her life loving her, cherishing her, and supporting her. She has recently fabricated stories from her childhood to justify her cruel treatment of her Mom. She is a classic narcissist, although she doesn't seem to display grandiosity. She has just cut off communications--won't answer the phone, and doesn't email. She is planning to dump her spouse because he had to have a brain tumor removed, and still has some lingering disabilities that make it difficult for him to work. She's outraged that he can't contribute more to household expenses, and doesn't appreciate that he has spent all his time creating art, and trying to sell it at local market days.

Vicky - posted on 02/18/2015

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Maybe it is partly my fault that my 39 year old daughter is the way she is. I do not know.

I grew up in a household filled with malignant narcissists where I, being the "weirdo retard"[ decades before I knew I was Autistic] was picked as the scapegoat. The beatings, the rapes, and worse, NEVER hearing I was a good girl or sweet girl, or nice girl or smart or pretty girl ever. Everything [even my older brothers problem with raping little girls] was my fault.

When I was 7 or 8 years old, in one of my mothers' magazines [ I think it was McCalls] I read an article stating that children who had grown up with much tragedy tended to grow up to be happier adults. I chose to believe it 100% and after that most of their
abuse [mot all] slid off like water on a duck.

I started planning on how I was going to raise my child someday, and give her the love I never had. Sounds weird, but, I even worked hard on giving the type of love that my mother had for one of my sisters to the "little Vicky" part of myself
So,I grew up thinking life would be better when I was an adult. I was wrong.Life was more incredibly wonderful than I could have imagined. People were not mean to me. People did not call me ugly. They were nice to me. In retrospect, I was used by many people, but it was so many years later. At the time it gave me confidence. Hell yeah, it is what is called the wrong kind of attention, but any attention that was not brutal abuse felt good to me.

I did a very brief stint working as a Playboy bunny [ not pretty but wore tons of makeup and had a tiny body with ginormous boobs in the days before implants] that is more or less how I met my first husband.

Long story, but we married a few months later and moved to Montana.[ he gave up law school because he was afraid of what my family would do. He thought he would eventually go back, but that never happened.

Exactly 9 months after we were married Jennifer was born. I was incredulous. Actually, I never stopped.she was gorgous and smart, just like her dad. [ beauty queen later on and won bronze metal for the "Olympics of the Mind" when she was 11.

She was so sweet, and funny! OMG I actually got an achy belly from laughing. 2 years later Casey was born. I spent years pinching myself to see if all of this wonderfulness was true.

My husband turned out not to be that great a husband. He didn't really like to work and became alcoholic. It took me so long to realize that I did not have a good marraige and by the time I did, he had already been diagnosed with a fatal type of leukemia. He was sick for 3 and a half years.

When the oncologist told me that Larry was going to die soon, I called my youngest sister. Now, Kym is a major bitch, but she had a degree in psychiatric nursing,and she did love to show off her knowledge. Though I called my family through everyones illnesses and heartaches, she, nor my other families had called to ask how Larry was doing.

I was pregnant with my youngest at the time.[doc said that the chemo he was on was the best birth control. happily not] and Jennifer was 17, Casey 14. My sister called back and was able to convince my daughter that her dad was faking cancer.

Jennifer had recently been raped [pregnant too, aborted] and she BEGGED me not to go to the police because she did not want her daddy to die worrying about her.

so, when I was at work, Jennifer tried to kill Larry. My son and my daughters boyfriend pulled her off. Larry died a few weeks later wondering if his baby girl loved him.

I have to stop again. Will try to do more tommorrow.

Elaine - posted on 02/16/2015

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I have had exactly the same experience except my daughter now 30 has been sectioned under the mental health act with bipolar ,
please look this up I think you will find similar traights my grandchildren are only 7 and 2 so Mium tells them what they don't like or like Its very cruel to the kids too. one minuet they have grandparents the next they are taken away. Your daughter sounds like mine selfish and never sorry . I am the butt of all her problems
It's heartbreaking but she is obviously using your grandchildren as pawns and turning them against you As they are much older than my grandchildren can't you have a private chat with them and say how you feel ?
All the phycology books say to never apologise for something you haven't done pull back a bit let her think you don't need her and ignore her texts She may be ill and need mood stabilisers or counselling
Good luck elaine P S I need to say that my daughters had a very normal childhood was a bit spoiled they were taken by us on holidays all over the world somtimes twice a year also they were never smacked or hit ever

Mary - posted on 02/15/2015

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Honeybee I read your post and the article on personality disorder. I was told that my daughter has that but I also think narcissist describes her as well as sociopath. She has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I've been through hell and back with her and I tried for so so many years with her but it has gotten so bad we now do not speak. If only she would own the things she has done and apologize and move on but she is in denial and will not own up to anything. Her son wants nothing to do with her because of all the abuse she put him through and she denied what she has done to him. My heart breaks for both of them. She has 3 other children and they are all separated now and my heart breaks for them too. There is to much to tell I just can't go down that road again. I will say they all need so much prayer.

Mary - posted on 02/15/2015

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Sorry to hear about all your pain that you daughter has caused you. I been down that road all the lies my daughter has told about me all the bullying she has done to me and all the manipulation for so many years. I cut ties with her 2 years ago it's been hard but I'm ok. I pray you will be too.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/13/2015

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I am so sorry to hear of everyone's pain but dear God, I'm glad I'm not alone. I was looking up Electra complex which didn't quite fit (what little I could find), which led me to narcissism, which led to this post. My daughter is 41 and I'm quite sure she has been a narcissist since the day she was born. From the time she was two months old if there were family or friends over and I put her in another room for quiet at bedtime she screamed bloody murder. If I put her in the playpen in the middle of all of the activity, she slept. Long before the term 'photobomb' was coined, she managed to get into every picture I ever took (I used to think that was cute). I left her father when she was 18 months old not because he beat me up every day, but because he beat HER up when I was at work. I remarried a year and a half later. She hasn't had it easy, and I accept responsibility for anything I have or have not done that contributed to her pain. But I won't be her punching bag anymore.
Turns out he was a pedophile. She told me when she was 28 and said she knew she could make it stop any time, but she was getting what she wanted, so she let it go on. What she ultimately wanted was to have me removed from the family. She was successful, demanding to my husband that either he get rid of me or she would leave. Then the lies began in earnest. She told her sister she took care of her when she was a baby. She was FOUR. She couldn't take care of herself, let alone a baby. But the lie served her well, her sister called me very upset and accusing.
The day she told me about my ex abusing her she turned right around, called her sister and told her I knew about it all along. I DID NOT. She asked me when she was 9 why her dad was in her room naked one night. I said I didn't know and immediately called the authorities. After interviewing her and him, they decided she had been dreaming.
They were successful in their deceit. Is that such a surprise? If the other kids didn't know, and they were a lot closer to her than I, how would I know? I talked to those kids over and over again about sexual abuse. Whenever an ad came on television, whenever they told me about some kid in the neighborhood or in their school, whenever a lifetime movie came on, whenever I read an article in a magazine or the newspaper regarding the subject. I told them if anything like that ever happened to them to tell someone. Anyone. If not me, a neighbor, an adult at school, the lady at the grocery store. SOMEONE. But she never did until it served her purposes 20 years later. That purpose was to keep me and my ex apart. Before I knew what had been going on, we tried to reconcile. She would have none of it. She didn't want him, but she didn't want me to have him either.
When my great grandchildren were born (twins) last year, not a word from her. I got pictures from my other daughter and my grandchildrens facebook pages.
There is so much more, but I'm through with her. She made some nasty comment around Christmas and after telling her it hurt my feelings (something I have never done with her--call her out), waiting a week for acknowledgement and receiving none, I cut ties. Her sister is upset. There was no contact from her over the holidays. Her sister's responses to my few messages over the past few months have been curt. I'm sure HERSELF is at it again. I refuse to suffer the manipulation, the bullying, the deception, the disrespect, the ungratefulness, the complete lack of empathy, the blaming and betrayal anymore. I'm 60 and have had two strokes. As much as it hurts, as sad as it makes me, the emotional injury incurred by setting myself up as her victim by continuing contact with her is just too much to bear. God Bless you all, I hope you find peace. I'm sure there is a grieving process, it certainly feels like a death has occurred. I hope it gets better as time passes. Because right now, I'm a wreck. ♥

Vicky - posted on 02/10/2015

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my 39 year old daughter. So much pain. Right now I am being treated for breast cancer. She actually convinced my neighbors I am faking cancer. So much but that is what is happening now. I cannot stop crying.

Mary - posted on 02/10/2015

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For me I can not and will not love another child. I was Blessed to at least get the chance to fall in love with my Grandkids for their first 9 years of their life just to have them takin from me every time my daughter got mad at me. I was more like their mother and was raising them. My pain cuts so deep that I will never fall in love like that again.

Mandilowthiansmith - posted on 02/06/2015

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Thank you. Wth 4th year Uni Psychology, and 20+ years volunteering with people who frequently have psychiatric issues such as the ones described, I really think that it's up to a doctor to make this decision. And believe me when I say that they like to change their minds. So don't worry about diagnosing someone on a website, and join us in disclosure and solutions.

Mandilowthiansmith - posted on 02/06/2015

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b I am starting to believe that you and I may have been separated at birth ;). You spelled it out for me, and thank you. You are a gem.

It is so rare to hear about the DAUGHTER being the abuser. I am well educated and had a good job, and am popular and well liked. I am particularly sensitive to child abuse because I went through 10 years of advanced abuse (all 3 spectrums) and while I am eccentric and a bit loony, but generally I'm well liked by young and older people too.

My daughter, 23, is gorgeous, brilliant, wilful, and can't keep a job. and She fabricates horrific stories about me. She treats me like the help. She lies to her father about what I am worth, etc. to stir the divorce up (which nearly bankrupted me). The odd time when her dad and I get along, she has a screaming fit. Furious that her dad took a vacation with his gf without her. And boy can she pack a punch! Scratched my face; ripped my hair, Whoa! That was my line in the sand. Zero. Tolerance.

Even with a background in Psyc etc I never really connected with this truth until today, after reading your story. I do not pretend to be free from sin - I smoked when I was pregnant with her, and I am an alcoholic (nearly 25 yrs sober). And it's true, I enabled her. Now I know why my doctor kept saying to be careful around her - she might accuse me of who knows what, and call the police (her words)

Sick stuff but at least we are wiser tor it and are in a position to do something about it - starting with our own self respect. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU MWAHHH BIG FAT KISSY! ;)

Mary - posted on 01/27/2015

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Hello,

Your post was very helpful to me in that I also have experienced these same abuses from my 36 year-old daughter. What I most appreciated about your post was that you said keep on loving them, don't give money or possessions, but just keep them. That is a good perspective that I can appreciate very much.

Thank you!

Honey - posted on 01/22/2015

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A lot of you ladies here, I know I quibbled about your daughters not being narcissists without someone making them so, but I have taken a closer look at some of your stories and I believe that there are lots of genuine mothers here who are in a lot of pain and at a loss as to how their daughters became this way. Reading through, a lot of you are right in that you did nothing immediately obvious that could account for the attitude and actions of your offspring. Looking into personality disorders further, I believe in that case, that quite a few of you children may in fact be displaying signs of Antisocial Personality Disorder, rather than NPD. Reading through this link here http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insi... it seems that there are many similarities that present themselves in both disorders, but that APD can be caused by genetic/inbuilt personality traits, perhaps exacerbated by upbringing, where as NPD is fundamentally a disorder brought about by childhood, nurturing conditions. I don't know whether this may be of any help to anyone, but I wish you good luck with dealing with your difficult relationships with your daughters.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_...

Honey - posted on 01/22/2015

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All I say to this, is that most narcissists are that way because they were made, not born. These mothers who now cry poor me, are probably the ones who made them the way they were, either by treating them like little princesses who could do no wrong, and always giving into their demands, or smothering and manipulating them. I myself doubt whether the daughter is actually the narcissist, or if in fact it is the original poster. Some of things that the daughter has said sounds like she is drawing some clear boundaries for herself and her children, perhaps after years of being encroached on by the narcissistic mother, and she has just come hear for some validation that she is the one in the right, and not an awful person. So sorry, I don't believe in people dealing down the generations, but I believe in dealing up. If someone is a narcissist, as opposed to someone who is just indulged, it is because someone made them that way, and that person is usually the first narcissist in the chain. Just my two cents.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/20/2015

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@ Ms. Wallace: If you have nothing better to say...You know the rest.

If you cannot handle the viewpoint of an adult daughter of a narcissist parent...well, tough! This isn't YOUR website, its a PUBLIC, INTERNATIONAL FORUM.

Furthermore, if you have allegations about ME, specifically, feel free to contact me. You know how.

Nancy - posted on 01/20/2015

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Hi Everyone~I can't believe I finally found a forum where moms are talking about their narcissistic adult daughters and my heart truly goes out to you all. My daughter is 44 & it has taken me this long to get to the "no contact" stage. For those of you who are still trying and if your daughter is, in fact, narcissistic, cut your losses now. I know that sounds cold, but with narcissits there is no hope. For many years my heart kept saying, "She's my daughter." So when she needed a place to go or whatever it may have been, she knew(because my actions told her over & over)mom would always take her back & be there for her every whim, no matter how much abuse she had dished out the last time. I won't go on & on; All of our stories sound scarily similar. Our daughters are never satisfied with just being cruel. They like to make sure everyone else believes you are a horrible person. The longer the "no contact" is avoided, the more relationships, especially with other family members, will be destroyed. The problem is that they can be so charming & believable & other people(including myself)who don't have NPD cannot imagine that someone would lie about this stuff. You can't win. You have to go. I,too, went through the pain of my grandchildren being withheld...what a great tool. It works. I had to let them go, too. It is what it is, but I felt as if I was dying a slow painful death so I really had to choose life. If one hasn't been the victim of a narcissist, there is no way to understand the horror. I have cried to the point of screaming in emotional sorrow. And all I ever really dreamed of being was a mother. Who knew? I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started caring about myself and life is peaceful and I hope to continue to move forward. God bless. And keep writing here....please.

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