My daughter is a major Tomboy...Can anyone relate?

Lori - posted on 06/03/2012 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My eight year old daughter started telling me she wished she were a boy around age three. She used to have long hair (usually tied back in a ponytail) and still wore some pink clothing but never wore dresses or frilly things after that age. This year she begged me to get her hair cut short so I took her to my hair dresser and she cut it in short cute layers which looks great on her and she was beaming from ear to ear. I love it to and don't miss all the tangles her fine blonde hair used to torture her with...lol! Anyhow, a while after that she decided to put away her pink clothes and only wear her favourite colours like blue, red, orange...etc and so I did. I hope that was o.k to do but I just wanted her to feel comfortable and happy with what she wears. Anyhow, she's always had more "boy" friends than "girl" friends since day one at school so that hasn't changed any but lately she's been getting teased about her hair cut and why she likes "boy" things (toys...clothes, etc) so much. She even had one of the older boys ask her if she was "gay" and had no idea what that mean't...but was hurt all the same. The ironic thing about that is she has always said that when she grows up she wants to marry a handsome man who is nice like her Dad...lol...so I know she is not gay. Anyhow, just wondering if anyone else has a Tomboy for a daughter and can share some insites with me...it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! Lori :)

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Sylvia - posted on 06/08/2012

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I don't blame her at all!! Little girls in our culture are bombarded practically from birth with the message that they have to wear pink and be sweet little princesses -- yuck.

She's heading into that tricky stage when peer pressure really heats up. My DD is turning 10 this summer. She also recently got her hair cut, from down-to-her-bum to down-to-her-shoulders; a few years ago she went from refusing to wear pants to wanting to wear jeans or shorts all the time and not even wanting to dress up for photo day at school. I'm not saying mine's a tomboy, she's really not (although thank goodness she's out of the princess stage!!!), but that over the last couple of years she's really started to care what her friends and classmates think of her in a way she totally didn't before, and it's making both our lives harder LOL. For example, she got her first pair of glasses right before school started last fall, but it took her most of the first semester to actually be willing to wear them at school in front of people because she was afraid they'd make fun of her -- then it turned out there are like 4 other kids in her class who also should have been wearing their glasses and hadn't been, and now all is well...

Sometimes all it takes is one or two really good, supportive friends to get you through a tough place. Is it the boys or the girls or both who are teasing her? Does she do any group activities outside of school (swimming, choir, martial arts...) that might be a source of alternative peer groups? (That can be super helpful for a child when school temporarily sucks for some reason.)

When you're 8 it's really hard not to care what the other kids think about your haircut, clothes, etc., but if SHE likes herself the way she is, and her friends like her the way she is, and of course you and her dad like her the way she is, well, eventually things will work out OK ...

Jakki - posted on 06/07/2012

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Lori - she just sounds a normal tomboy. I know several kids like her at my kids school, and they are all perfectly happy being who they are. Just keep reinforcing your message that she can be different from the girls around her and that's OK!

Are there any other girls like her that you can encourage a friendship with, so she doesn't feel isolated?

Like Medic Mommy I was a tomboy too - but I've always been heterosexual. I'm just more on the male end of feminity!

I've read about gender dysphoria - where kids really feel like they're trapped in the wrong body and are distraught about the idea of puberty happening to them. From what you've said it doesn't sound like this.

Medic - posted on 06/04/2012

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Work with her school to see if they can get her a wiggle chair. The schools here use them. You are your daughters biggest advocate. She will have to learn to follow the rules and be pc at school, that is the sucky thing about school. They want everyone to fit into a nice little box and that is just not reality. Try and rewards chart for her school behavior. The rewards do not even have to cost money. Even just getting to splatter paint with mom, or a nature hike, or anything that just gets her excited. In the morning before school get her to do something crazy for 10 min just to get her ready to focus.

Medic - posted on 06/03/2012

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Tell her some people are just mean and judgemental. Make her proud to be who she is. I was a major tom boy...I had short spiky hair, it has been dyed every color of the rainbow, hell my 2 brothers and I wore the same clothes for a few years (saved my parents money we were all the same size). You know what, I have an amazing husband, I have long blonde hair, 2 amazing kids and most of my friends are still men and my career is a "mans" field. But you know what? My parents, especially my dad, always stood behind me. I can build anything, fix my car, fight with the best of them, I can also cook, clean, and be the sweet one when daddy is mean.

Some people will find anything to judge about others, its the shitty part of the world we live in. My 5 year old son gets teased a lot, that is part of why we homeschool. He has a hawk that he dyes green, red, blue or orange depending on his mood, he is a dancer and in gymnastics, he is also in karate, he bmx's and can be total boy, but people still call him gay. We have taught him that he is perfect no matter what. He does have comebacks that he worked on with his karate instructor that make him feel better. I just happen to have a very sensitive, artistic son.

One of the things my son tells "bullies" is "that is ok that you judge me, I won't do the same to you but someday someone will and you will know how it feels". He also uses, " You can call me whatever you want, but I am happy with me."

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Kelly - posted on 09/28/2013

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Another great read is The Chikd Whisperer by Carol Tuttle. I have a tomboy also. Your daughter sounds exactly like mine. our school has uniforms so school clothes isnt an issue for us. I pretty much let my daughter wear what she wants. she sports a short bob and is OK with it. It is too exhausting to fight her true nature and in reality its just clothes... which truly don't define the person. I know kids are cruel and we deal with some of that. if my child does end up deciding she is gay then so what I will her no matter. my daughter has always been the determined child even as a baby and always on the go from the minute she wakes up and until she drops at night. I wish they developed a clothing line geared for our tomboy girls!

Niketa - posted on 10/27/2012

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Hi, My name is Niki Bhatia and I am the author of a childrens book, PINK IS JUST A COLOR AND SO IS BLUE. It is about letting go of our old gender stereotypes about colors (pink and blue) and toys kids choose to play with. The main character is a little boy who is not too athletic and his best friend is a feisty little girl who is "tomboyish". Our ultimate goal is to assure that our kids grow upto be confident, productive individuals, without placing so much emphasis on color and toys when they are sooo young.



http://www.amazon.com/Pink-Just-Color-So...

Niketa - posted on 10/27/2012

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Hi, My name is Niki Bhatia and I am the author of a childrens book, PINK IS JUST A COLOR AND SO IS BLUE. It is about letting go of our old gender stereotypes about colors (pink and blue) and toys kids choose to play with. The main character is a little boy who is not too athletic and his best friend is a feisty little girl who is "tomboyish". Our ultimate goal is to assure that our kids grow upto be confident, productive individuals, without placing so much emphasis on color and toys when they are sooo young.



http://www.amazon.com/Pink-Just-Color-So...

Samantha - posted on 10/25/2012

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Hi I have a daughter (5) and she is a Tom boy!! She into the whole skater and bmx bikes,, she was very convenient about what she likes and what she wanted to wear but now she's in school she had more "boy" friends the girl but now they won't play with her and the girls say she ewww coz she likes boy stuff!!! She has a avengers backpack and they mk fun of it! Now she comes home everyday crying :-( for Halloween she captin America but now she's worried what the kids will say in school! No matter what I say to reinsure her she amazing the way she is she don't believe me ,,,,,, she is also saying she fat and ugly!!!!!!! What else can I do???? I've been to the school but she is still worried!!! :-(

Ron - posted on 06/24/2012

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yup-ours was the same way-and still is lol. She actually outdoes the guiys all the time lol. Let it be-shes Happy,-btw, kids can be mean when their stupid or jealious.

Lori - posted on 06/04/2012

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Thanks for your advice Medic Mommy...It's so nice to know I'm not alone in this. Your words of encouragement really made my day!!! And I'm sure my daughter would think your son was the coolest kid EVER! (She even asked me for a mohawk the other day..lol) Another thing about my kid is that she's having problems at school for hyper behaviour and gets distracted alot...and her teacher is always ready to give me an ear full of the negative things she's doing...which drives me NUTS! The other day I felt like saying, "Don't youhave anything positive to say about my daughter?!!" See, she has always been very outspoken and strong willed which can be hard to handle at times and some teachers would just rather I'd medicate her but that ain't happening so they are just gonna have to deal wth it...lol! Plus, she is not afraid to express her anger when things go wrong or she is being picked on so they don't like that either but I say she's eight for crying out loud...she's just learning how to manage all these new challenges. Well, anyhow, thanks again for taking the time to write down your thoughts and tell your little man that we think he's awesome and maybe someday he'll even be on that show, "so you think you can dance" and blow everyone all away! :) P.S. When I took my little girl to school this morning I whispered in her ear, "I love ya honey....just be yourself!" It made her smile.

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