My daughter is feeling left out by her best friend in Kindergarten

Diana - posted on 10/01/2010 ( 24 moms have responded )

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She and her best friend were separated when assigned to classes. Her best friend has now became really close with another neighborhood friend that is in her class. Now apparently they leave her out at recess and it has really been hurting her feelings.

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Angie - posted on 10/01/2010

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All you can do is remind her that her friend has other friends now and that she will make other friends as well. Let her know that just because she has been friends with her in the past doesn’t mean they will always be friends. Now that they are in school, she will find that children change and what they want in a friend will change as well. Something similar happened to my daughter this year and I found that she thought that if her friend was playing with someone else, she couldn't play with her too. She soon learned that all she had to do was ask if she could play too and she was included. Children live in their own world and don't even realize they're hurting someone else. She's learning a hard lesson but these circumstances are only going to happen more and more often. I would suggest dropping the label "best friend". To children it seems to mean “only friend” and when the friend's social circle expands other children are hurt. Try not to get overly involved in your daughter's friendships. Somehow children get over things and move on and we as parents don't. Give her a little advice and then let her figure it out on her own - she probably will.

Michelle - posted on 10/08/2010

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my daughter who is 7 her and her best freind were also seperated,and her freind wanjts to play with her new freinds as she calls,thnakfully it doesnt bother my daughter,i think it bothers me more,because this child still wants to play with her outside of school,but ignores her at school,it really bugs me.But thankfully she has made other freinds in her class.

Carla - posted on 10/08/2010

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It seems like girls want one special friend. I was that way, and my girls were as well. I know the feelings of isolation when my bff would play with someone else. I agree with the other moms that say she will find another bff fairly quickly. But also talk to your daughter about the one friend only thing. If you are friendly to all others, not just the bff, when she gets in middle school and high school, she will be better able to transition over to the group, which is how high school works. Remember how fickle little girls are, and encourage her to be a friend to all.

God bless, honey

Lorna - posted on 04/10/2013

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my daughter used to play with 1 friend for 2 years,now she did not want to playing with my daughter anymore because she got new neighbour that moved in next to her,she is now playing new friend from her new neighbour,she stopped called over to my daughter, my daughter asked her why she had not called her,she replied i just dont feel like to....lucky my daughter does not bother,my heart is breaking to see her playing outside by herself,i told her she will make new friends,and move on,dont mind this mean girl,she probably will..

Danielle - posted on 07/21/2011

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My son has three close friends at the bus stop. The two he's known since kindergarten have never been in his class.(so far) The third just started at our school last year.
We try to plan play dates as often as possible because his two friends from kindergarten are only children like my son.

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Cupcake - posted on 10/04/2012

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Tell your daughter to tell her bestie how she feels. If she is really a good friend, she will understand. If it doesn't work out, she can try playing with other friends. Good luck, and stay calm. This happens all the time.

Sara - posted on 07/21/2011

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As a substitute para-educator I do recess at my kids school. When kids come up to me and tell me things like these I help them to find someone else to play with. We'll look for someone one their own or I'll ask them who looks like they're having fun, then we walk over and ask if they can join in. I've never had kids tell us no. And they continue to play together even after I walk away. Let the teacher know. She can talk to who ever does recess and maybe they can help her. :)

Starr - posted on 10/08/2010

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I had read this book called Pinkalicious it was about a girl that liked the color pink. Only the other classmates said black was the new pink and only babies liked pink. She thought she was all alone. Her mom or dad reminder her that she was not alone. Just tell her there is some lil girl that feels the same. Things will get better for her. Maybe she could make a new friend in her class or on the playground.
I hope this helps

Heather - posted on 10/07/2010

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I have had similar experience's with both my children when the went from Kindy to Pre-primary. They seem to have one favourite friend, and that friend has other friends that they also want to play with.

I got around this by making a play date / picnic at the local park and invited all of the girls for my daughter or in the case of my son the boys in his new class for them and their families to join us for two hours one weekend. This was a fantastic experience as I got to meet the other parents in a non formal environment and it only cost the time to print up some flyers on my printer.
Not only have my children met new friends in the class but we as families have made new friends too.
At my children school they have really good procedures to encourage everyone being friends and not excluding others. However if this is not supported by the families at home a school can only do so much. As a parent I would highly recommend getting to know other families as well, so it is not just the children who are friends, but also your families.

Priscilla - posted on 10/07/2010

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Shes gonna have to learn to make new friends. I know its hard to see your child feel that way, I went through it many times...AND I STILL go through it my oldest being 13 youngest being 7. But hey it happens and its one of those lessons in life she needs to learn. What I told my girls was it was ok for her friends to make new friends. I said to them it is important to have a large group of friends not just one or two friends. I also explained to them that sometimes people grow apart, esp since now they were not in the same class, they dont spend much time with each other anymore. Its a good way for you to teach your daughter about relationships.

Carey - posted on 10/06/2010

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I always dialogue with my children and tell them what to say, "That hurts my feelings when you leave me out and friends don't treat each other like that." I think it is important to teach them how to handle these situations and let them know how friends should treat each other. And if you see your daughters friend ask curious questions, like so do you see ( your daughters name ) on the playground? Do you all play together? See how she responds, she is little and maybe she doesn't realize she is hurting your daughter. But empower your daughter by teaching her how to handle the situation and practice saying it at home. I have 3 children and I cannot always be there like I would want to , but I want them to be able to handle it through knowing what to say and keeping the communication open with me. I would also help her discover a new friend in her class, because you can never have to many friends.

Stacey - posted on 10/06/2010

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My son was the only child sent to another class out of his group of 5 friends. at first i think i was more devastated then he was. i encouraged him to make new friends in his class. everyday he came home and was talking about new friends he had. we are talking about 4-7 year olds they change their mind like they change their undies. She will make new friends eventually. So maybe get her to concentrate on new friendships, her teachers, the toys and equipment she gets to use, the art works she does and soon she will have forgotten about the friend who has forgotten her.

[deleted account]

It's only natural that the other girl will bond with another kid in her own class because that's who she sees all day and kids need that kind of in-class companionship. As well as encouraging her to find new friends in her class, and instead of replacing her friend, how about inviting this girl over after school or on weekends so the girls can spend time together?

Holly - posted on 10/06/2010

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A good technique to fight against being left out unintentionally or as a part of bullying is to develop more than one circle of friends for your daughter, look for a group for her to be part of girl scouts, 4h, bowling team etc. Glad my last message helped. Best wishes. H.

Cynthia - posted on 10/06/2010

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its sad, but part of life. try to encourage yor child to make new friends and seek out opportunities to set up play times and stuff for her with other kids, and hopefully she clicks with someone soon, preferably more then one someone so she can learn to have several friends. its common for kids to be close with only one friend growing up which just sets them up for these scenarios sometimes, so if she can learn to have a group of friends instead, there will always be someone for her.

Diana - posted on 10/04/2010

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I have heard about the bucket idea too. Wouldn't that be better for the girls leaving her out though? Or maybe I could help her just have good feeling by doing something else positive like finding a new friend rather then dwelling on the rejection. Good idea.

Diana - posted on 10/04/2010

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Good idea about inviting another school friend here. Thanks! I think it will make her feel better.

Holly - posted on 10/02/2010

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I'm sorry. Here is an idea. Talk to her about other girls she knows. Choose one to reach out to by inviting her to come over to play etc. Your daughter will learn an important social skill and when her old friend sees your daughter with a new friend she may value your daughter's friendship more.

Kitty - posted on 10/02/2010

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well they need a good thoughts bucket is what my son has in his school and good thought are to make them feel better about them selfs and others! and encourages goood thought . try it suggest it to them see what happends!

Diana - posted on 10/01/2010

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Thanks. I have actually told her all these things. The family is really close friends with us and they live next door, so I'm hoping they will always be at least some sort of friends. My daughter is VERY social, so she has already made many new friends. I just keep telling her, go play with whoever you want at recess. Don't worry about what she is doing, but she just keeps bringing it up and in the evening there are usually tears that of coarse break my heart, so I was just trying to find something to help her out. I guess I just have to let her deal with the dissapointment and move on. Trust me I know it only gets worse in middle school when girls are trying to be mean. Of course I won't tell her that now.

[deleted account]

Encourage her to make new friends. My daughter has the same problems each year due to the large number of kids in her year at school. I have always encouraged her to play with other kids and if she feels excluded by friends who are normally "close" I tell her to go and play with someone else or even quietly on her own. Help her to deal with the hurt feelings by explaining that sometimes friends need to play apart with other kids, but it doesn't mean they don't like her anymore. I also told my daughter that she will have many friends throughout her life and that's good too.

Diana - posted on 10/01/2010

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I am mostly looking for some way to console her. I know I can't really control the situation.

Holly - posted on 10/01/2010

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Schools need to learn about exclusion. It is a bullying behavior. I recomend reading Stan Davis' book Empowering Bystanders. You can get your school involved in a bibliotherapy experience to teach kids good bystander behavior. Bibliotherapy is a very effective tool to use. Reading about characters who are being bullied helps kids experience how it fees a bit. Search for anti bullying books, or anti bullying bibliotherapy. If you want help with this I can make some recomendations personally.

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