My five year old is having behavior issues at school, what should I do?

Sara - posted on 11/28/2012

I'm so glad to see that I'm not the only one going through so many problems with your child at school. My daughter is 5 years old just started Kinder in Sept. the first month in a half she loved it. She would tell me that she had made so many friends I was so happy for her. Now she crys everytime I wake her up in the morning to get her ready for school she crys at school she crsy when I drop her off and when I pick her up she starts crying. She tells me she hates school that everyone is mean to her nobody want to be her friend. I just don't know what to do I spoke to the teacher she told me that Madison (my daughter) wasn't very nice to other kids at school she talk to my daughter and told her to try to change her attitude and be nice to make friends. I agreed with her I just don't see that anything has changed with my daughter. I feel lost.

Marvelis - posted on 11/17/2012

First off thanks so much for posting this. My son is 5 and has been in Kinder this year too. His behavior is usually really good. In pre-K i had no problems at all. Now every day I get a note and his teacher calling me at work because he isnt doing something or my son saying his sick and escaping to the clinic. Tammy thank you for posting your response. This teacher def has no control in classroom and when I confronted the situation and went to the Dean of students they are switching his teacher. My son has complete structure in pre-k and loved going to class. Spanking didnt help me it was horrible for me in itself. I am a single mom at that and this has been extremely emotional for me. I get so down because I dont know what more to do.

Ashly - posted on 09/27/2012

I am having the same problem with my son. he is not listening to his teacher he is being bad on his school bus he has already been suspended 2 times from the school bus and having lost of problems in school and i just do not know what to do. he has never acted this bad before in his pre-school and nor has he ever acted this bad at home or done any of the things he is doing at school at home I am so lost as to what to do :(

Ruby - posted on 09/27/2012

im having the same problem i just dont know what to do im going craz there is nothing i can do i need help

Susanne - posted on 10/06/2010

honey i'm in the almost in the same exact situation, but mine is 6 and had some problems in pre-k last year. i also have a 3 year old and one on the way. my 6 year old has no problem of mommy having another baby, he talks about it being his little sister(he hopes at least) but i've done the same things you have done. i even would take him to the library has a one on one, just him and me on saturdays that still has not worked. i thought that help because he loves books. i've noticed though in school that because of attending pre k last year that he is doing exellent in school subjects but just has a behavior problem, mostly of being the class clown. i have talked to his teacher and now is sending me daily reports so we can desipline him daily instead of waiting til friday to know how he had been acting. like most have suggested go the school and talk to his teacher if they know you are a concerned parent they will help you work on what needs to be done. its slowly getting better for now, just trying to keep my head up and hope it will improve over a period of time. good luck, if i hear of something that may help i will gladly let you now, but as my self i am still working on making things better.

Lydia - posted on 10/04/2010

Do they allow a nap time? Maybe he's just cranky because he's not used to not having a nap like in PreK 3 & 4. My son had a hard time adjusting to the difference in structure. Also, get his eyes and hearing checked. Sometimes kids act out because they can't see or hear well, but they don't know how to tell you. Good luck. But also, the one on one time is very important especially because yet another child is coming to take some of his mommy time. But he may be kinda young to really understand that.

Lakisha - posted on 10/02/2010

My son had the same problems last year in Kindergarten, and this year he is not very productive. Here is the problem, pre-K is a usually a small group of kids, not much work is required of them. Kindergarten brings on the notion that they are no longer babies. They have to work now, they are on a more stringent schedule and they are just not use to that. The main problem is that your son wants attention, most likely when he is in a one on one session everyting is fine. What I have been doing with my son is taking things day by day. If you flat out punish him he won't behave because he is already in trouble. Have a reward set up for when he's good, you read together, he get's to play a game with you something like that. For long term good behavior take him to Chuck E Cheese's or someplace he likes. On bad days set up a punishment and tell him what the punishment is, time out or writing I will not... (whatever he did wrong that day). Stay consistent, I only have one child and I can't imagine having two or three, so stay strong, things will get better. I started this a week ago and I am already seeing some improvement, I hope this works for you as well. Good Luck!!

Rebecca - posted on 10/02/2010

I am opposed to bad reinforcement at home when a child is struggling at school. My son just started K in a new school, but in a different language other than his mother tongue. Lots to adjust to, including the regular K curriculum. K curriculum is much more demanding and "academic" than preschool. Advice that other parents gave me who dealt with the same thing when their child started K is: Let your child come home to a nurturing and loving home. Do not discipline him for the bad behavior at school. Instead talk to him lovingly. Talk to the teacher about your worries (in my case, depression, hating school) so that you can communicate and work together (sometimes this is on a daily basis). If your child gets anger and frustration coming at him at school and then same at home, this does not help him at all. In my case, he just actd out even more. Remember, he is only 5/6yrs. So young and trying to adjust to new school, new people, new daily schedule. This is a huge adjustment for him.

Sophia - posted on 10/02/2010

I had similiar problems with my son last year (kindergarten). Last year's teacher was very nice, but did not have enough structure. Kids CRAVE structure & actually can do better with it than without. That doesn't mean you need to police them too harshly, though. Usually a good explanation of rules (with LOTS of chances in the beginning - because they will end up breaking some of the rules) and some pre-determined consequences will work well. Now that my son is in 1st grade, we have had a much better report card. He no longer gets in so much trouble. I can tell you that I also took a parenting class offered by a local church. It is called "Parenting through love & logic". It has worked WONDERS with my son. You can get the book on Amazon or at Barnes & Noble and you may even be able to find it in your local library.
I would DEFINITELY suggest asking your child what happened when they have had a bad day. Actively listening is a great skill that you can cultivate in your child by showing them what it looks like. Then, instead of offering advice, act like a consultant & ask what the child thinks they should do the NEXT time the situation presents itself.
Remember, your child is learning to be 5 and like any other skill, there will be hits and misses. If a child learns valuable lessons (how to behave, when to speak and when to listen, etc) at an early age, the cost will be far lower than if they are coddled/excused or always told what to do. I would much rather deal with a temper tantrum from a disappointed 5 or 6 year old, than be bailing my child out of juvenile detention at 15 or 16 because I didn't give them tools to succeed in society.
Good luck & keep us posted on how it all works out.

Jeannette - posted on 10/02/2010

your sons school should have a child psych you can request them to monitor your child in his surroundings for a day to see what the cause seems to be just be warned if they tell you they suspect add or adhd take your child to a doctor for evaluation for autism unfortunately they are not all trained to detect all the symtoms and can go undiagnosed, im not saying your son has autism but i have a child they made that mistake with and he had behavioural issues once he reached year 1 after being fine in kindy and pre primary.

dont be scared off by this though they are very helpful.

hope this could be helpful

Sherry - posted on 10/01/2010

My daughter had behavior problems too. To make a very long story short, I took her to a nerologist had blood work done and found out her has a disorder. Because of this she has a learning disability.
She was acting up cause she could'nt keep up with the rest of the class.
Now she is in ESE classes and sooo much happier.
P.S .....If you live in Dade County Fl. Looking for a Neroloigist dont see Dr.Nelson Sanchez He has no bed side manners.
Good luck

Jamaica - posted on 10/01/2010

He could be acting out for all kinds of reasons and I have two kids that are going thr the same thing in school. Maybe u should seek outside help. I took my 1st grader to therapy and it helped alot.

Marylou - posted on 10/01/2010

Sometimes things develop and it doesn't show up until your child is 4/5. I don't think pregnant is the problem, but he can be rebelling, but talk with his peds to see their recommendation. It could be something simple like wrong teacher, or seating or medical., And congrats on new baby.

Carmen - posted on 10/01/2010

spend a day with him alone ask him what he wants to do with for a day without other sibblings, tell him about you when you first went to school how it was, did anyone bother you, how's your teacher tell him about your teachers, tell him all the good things you use to do in school and then reverse the questions toward him let him tell you how or what he does in school. let him come with you to the dr's office and see and hear the baby. tell him he'll be a wonderful big brother, buy him a big brother t-shirt around your 8th month and have him help you to prepair for bringing baby home and the special things like sm jobs.

Ann - posted on 10/01/2010

First, I should correct my statement about my kids "Never having behavior problem". At times in different situation, My kids did have issues , But out of my 3 children, At times my 12 yr. old acts like a 2 yr.old.She hates school so badly, I hate getting her up in the mornings for school because she fights with us and cuzs us both out and yells to the top of her lungs " She Hates School"! We live in an upstairs apt. and my neighbors already called early in the morning ( Police) , Stating that we are beating our child before school. Thank god it was a officer that I knew and he quickly told my youngest to knock it off and stop whining about school.

Ann - posted on 10/01/2010

I have to comment on Parents who ( No Offense), Say you should just use behavor charts or a reward system. I don't believe in doing this because to me, It's just a way this child / children can push teacher, parents or even their grandparents to get their way and by caving into such a system the parents are slacking on talking or punishing the kids and the kids know it!

Danielle - posted on 10/01/2010

Never believe a parent who says they "never had behavior problems".

Ann - posted on 10/01/2010

Well, Being pregnant is just 1 reason why he behaves this way or perhaps where he went ( Pre-k-3 and Pre-k-4) , maybe the Teacher never corrected him in the classroom setting & He thinks he can act out . I have 3 Children ( Adult Daughter 19, ! Son that's 17, Another Daughter who's now 12.. My kids never had behavior problems until recently my 12 yr. old is not liking school and The kids make fun of her or They try to apparently touch her ( She's been stating that some kids are making Sexual comment / Sexual harressing her). She never got this from me ( words that she uses). Maybe your Son has a problem with other kids and he's been actting this way so you can question him.

Danielle - posted on 10/01/2010

There are a lot of lengthly answers here and Destinee, your child need discipline and lots of love. Before jumping to a psychiatrist or psychologist, talk w/your pediatrician. Get dad involved if possible -if not, a trusted male that knows your son - boys need boys to help them development into men. Above all else, be consistent at home and be sure the school follows that same philosophy. Good luck and God Bless.

Maritza - posted on 10/01/2010

i dont have advice for you cause im looking for some too, my son was 3 and a half when his dad died, we didnt have big problems with him up to then, but now 16 months after his fathers death his starting to show problems, at school he will not share same thing at home, he just doesnt want to listen, spanking is not helpping at all. please if you have some advice for me im desparate

Chrystal - posted on 10/01/2010

I totally disagree on the spanking part that leah said. I do not only spank when i am angry. I spank when it is necessary. It does not teach children that it is ok to lash out when they are angry, it teaches them that there are consequences to their actions. You know your child better than anyone else. You know what gets through to them. Usually all i have to do is talk to my son and that works. If he continues to misbehave then i spank him. All kids are different you just have to find the thing that is effective to your child. My son started getting bad marks in school for behavior and we found out that he was getting bullied. We also found out that he started to bully himself. I went in and talked to his teacher and his teacher started paying more attention to what was going on. Now she informs me of what is happening and school and i tell her what is going on at home and we work together to help fix the problem. There is always a problem you just have to dig it out. If he isnt telling you, just pay attention...it will come out eventually.

Therese - posted on 10/01/2010

when children act out they want attention..even it it means acting out and being bad so they get your attention. First I think you should give him one on one attention. something that you and him just do. tell him you are proud of him for say for example getting up and getting dressed, etc. Spanking does not solve the problem. Secondly, there could be a problem at school. a child could be having academic problems, something so simple as he/she doesn't undertand the instructions or is nervous about something. maybe he is being picked on at school. something is going on somewhere. what a child needs most is time. they love to spend time with you. go over and have him tell you about his day to see if you can detect anything. again, tell him you are proud of him, love him etc. good luck.

Leslie - posted on 10/01/2010

I agree with the post below. I do have a suggestion, ask the teacher what is being taught in the classroom or what is going on in the room at the time of the "acting out." Also, most elementary schools have school counselors that will help you get started in finding out what is bothering your son. Many times the school counselor can point you in the right direction. In Kindergarten, academic demands begin, and so there is no comparison to your 3 yr. old. Also, pick a day and go to the school and observe. You know your son more than anyone, You may be able to figure it out immediately.

Cheryl - posted on 10/01/2010

MMMmmm, difficult, but seems to me that the fuss is all negative. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for discipline, but he is getting a lot of attention for doing wrong ? Perhaps go to the other extreme and applaud all the good things he is doing. I'm not sure what he is doing at school to upset the applecart, but maybe take a different approach or ignoring it? Unless he is just copying another child, who is doing the same thing. Does he do these same things at home? xx

Angel - posted on 09/30/2010

Hi Destinee:
I've just gone through the same thing with my daughter and I'm now working out the solutions. I did a lot of research and I had her developmentally tested. Spanking and heavy discipline isn't the answer. Your son is sending you a message. It's easier if I just give you the links to two blogs I've written on this in the last 2 weeks. (I write a regular blog for older mothers who have young children.) Check out: http://flowerpowermom.com/wordpress/?p=2...

Melissa - posted on 09/30/2010

I would take him to a good child psychologist who specializes in behavior. You're son is acting out because despite the punishments that have been dealt to him, he recieves attention for acting out, which causes the bad behavior to continue. Instead of punishing him for being bad, try rewarding good behavior instead. For instance, make a star chart and for every day that he is good at school he can earn a sticker. Then when he has so many stickers on the chart, say 5, he can be rewarded. A trip to McDonalds, a small toy, watching a movie with mommy, ect. Also try spending more quality time with him and try taking the focus off his bad behavior. I study child development and behavior and these stragedies have been shown to work. Good luck!

Danielle - posted on 09/30/2010

Is dad in the picture? What kind of behavioral stuff?

Sylvia - posted on 09/30/2010

He is in pain and something is not right. My little guy got kicked out of pre-school last year. We changed schools, held him from starting kindergarten with a September b-day and now is really well adjusted.

Jeanne - posted on 09/30/2010

When negative reinforcements fail, try positive reinforcements. There are plenty of reasons why he's acting out. Make sure he has a good breakfast because kids burn up a lot of calories and when they get hungry, they can't concenttrate and they get cranky (I'm sure you know). Could it be the teacher? Have you observed the class or talked to moms of other students in the class? He could be bored - maybe he's ahead of what's being taught. Or maybe he's struggling with learning what's being taught.

I agree with Leah - try to get down to his level (physically) and just talk and more importantly listen to what he says. He may just have a different learning style than what's acceptable at school. In that case, you need to be his advocate and make sure he gets what he needs.

Amy - posted on 09/30/2010

Kathy, I LOVE the marble-jar idea!

Kathy - posted on 09/29/2010

First of all disapline so far after the event happened is really hard and the kids just don't get it. Also you cannot reason with a 5 year old. You've said that you have had conferences with his teacher. What does she think the problem is. I was having problems with my son earlier this year and his teacher changed were he sits and he is now behaving. He was acting out because the other kids were. He could be acting out because your pregnant. He could be acting out (as my son was) because he's bored. So of the kids coming into kindergarten have not been as socialized as kids in preschool programs. So because the teacher has to bring these kids up to speed some of the other kids are getting bored and goofing off. Unless its an issue where he is hurting other kids, give it some time. We have a reward jar. When my son brings home his daily progress report and its good he gets to put a marble in the jar. When the jar is full he gets a reward of his choice ($5 limit). If he has a negative report bedtime is earlier.

Tessa - posted on 09/29/2010

My background includes working with children from the standpoint of a nanny and an office administrator in a private school. I recently attended a seminar about The Nurtured Heart approach to dealing with kids when they are "acting out." At that seminar, I saw and heard testimonials of phenomenal success. I was totally impressed with the strategies they use to "create success" for the kids and thus strengthen the kids from the inside out. The results were positive, quick and effective. Here is a link to their webiste which provides info about how to get phone coaching from their expert (I do not think there is a charge for it): http://nurturedheartkids.com/parents. You may want to look at other parts of their website as well, before you make the call, so that you are informed.

Rose - posted on 09/28/2010

I have 3 children and my oldest was a nightmare when he started kindergarten. We found out that he was bored to tears. Unfortunately we didn't find this out for some time and by then he really disliked school. Our 2nd child is the compliant one and never really gave us much of a problem. The 3rd one we found was ruling the class in first grade, she had her teacher so wrapped around her little finger it was awful. I attended a parent/teacher conference and heard how my daughter just had bad days some times and needed extra attention. I saw right away what was going on, remember I live with the child, I instructed the teacher on how I would like her to handle this "bad day" situation the next time it arose and guess what? they didn't happen any more after that. I've said all this to say; investigate, investigate, investigate. You know your child better than anyone else and you are your childs best advocate.

Penny - posted on 09/28/2010

children only misbehave when want attion maybe the maybe the teacher isnt seeing that and maybe she or he could sit him down and ask whats the matter ..... my nephew was the same for years and he has hhd he is now on meds and has calmed down alot maybe its worth getting him tested if not then maybe its some thing at home or even skool maybe or some one at skool there could be so many reasons but i would think he may feel left out or push out so he actin out to get attion

Lisa - posted on 09/28/2010

I used to work as a paraprofessional and parent educator in Polk County FL. I worked in PreK and ESE PreK. Once we had an Extreme case of a child acting out. The school psycologist had some great ideas for behavior modification. The teacher AND the parents were to work in co-operation with each other on the behavioral mod outline. They communicated with each other. It was based on reward system. You might try scheduling a conference with the school psychologist and see what solutions you can come up with together. In the mean time..Stay In Touch with the teacher and work together. My motto has Always been, "I Am My Child's FIRST Teacher."
The public education system is there to help us. Sounds like you have a good handle on steps to get the situation resolved. As Adults, We are "parents" to all kids. Recruit the help of other parents at church, and other places your children might go.
Best of Luck to you. Make your own luck. Your child's future depends on it. They were given to You Specifically because You were the one who could best raise Your children. Your children have a Great purpose.
~Lisa aka DrMomCEO

Amy - posted on 09/28/2010

I don't have much advice, but I wanted to let you know that I had a similar situation. My son had no behavior issues in preschool that I know of. Of course his day care had a policy that what happens there stays there, so maybe there were things I didn't know about (infuriating!) Anyway, K wasn't so great, he had more minuses on progress reports for behavior than pluses. Now, in 1st grade, not a single minus. It may have been getting used to all the rules at a 'big' school or the teacher. Not sure which... Of course the pregnancy could be a factor, too. Hang in there and GOOD LUCK!

Heather - posted on 09/28/2010

Hey Destinee~ I am a mother of two boys and a childcare provider for 4 more :) This could be away for him to get attention. He might be thinking, "hey if I do this, the teacher and my mom will show me attention." Every night he needs to be told that he cannot act this way at school. Is there a father figure involved? It needs to come from both of you if there is. Also, get the principal to talk to him. Going to the principal at our house is a BIG no - no! I agree that spanking him and threatening him is not the best resolution. He could be getting board at school or have a bully at school or maybe the teacher isn't nice to him. Definatley get down to his level and talk to him about his day, every night and ask him what he had fun doing at school. Try to bring out the positive things he did and see who he is playing with... This should help you figure out what is causing the problem. Hope this helps. GOOD LUCK!

Tammy - posted on 09/28/2010

Hi, I have been a school teacher for 11 years. I would suggest you take a visit to the school and see what is going on. As Leah pointed out children do act up for various reasons. My youngest son in 1st grade now and he got into a lot of trouble last year. I visited his school often and I found out the reason. As a teacher, I can tell you that some children will act the way you allow them to act.( My son's teacher last year, had no control in her classroom) You will have to see for yourself. If you go to the school and he doesn't act up, then he is aware of what he is doing and you and him need to talk about why he is misbehaving and come up with a plan to get the behavior in order. If he still acts up when you are in the classroom, then there might be something else going on.

Lynn - posted on 09/24/2010

My son had behavior problems that showed up in K too. He did about 100% better in first grade, when his school put a new behavior system into practice, called PBS (Positive Behavior Support) that uses colored cards that get "flipped" to show each student when they are crossing the line.

Your school might not be able to institute a new policy, but you could talk to the teacher about setting up a chart and reward system for him. Decide with the teacher what are his biggest problem areas (keep it down to 4 or 5 if you can), then make a chart that the teacher can update each day. Maybe he can earn a sticker each day for "staying in his seat" "no hitting"... stuff like that. Let's say his chart has spaces for 4 stickers each day, so he could earn up to 20 stickers in a week. Make a deal with him that if he earns, say, 16 stickers for the week, he gets some treat after Friday. Something that will motivate him, something that is special to him but not too expensive. A trip to the park, ice cream, a trip to the dollar store to pick out a toy of his choice - something that is special to him. Maybe after he has mastered getting 16 sticker twice or more, you might decide that he needs to earn 20 stickers for his reward.



You might also check out children's library books about going to school and reading them to him. We just read "David Goes To School" and David misbehaves on nearly every page. I asked my Kindergartener what David was doing wrong. Another book to check out is "How Do Dinosaurs Go To School." Other books help kids start to learn about classroom behavior - what is acceptable, and what is not.



I know it's hard, but think positive. I think it's hard for some kids to catch on to proper classroom procedure.



Good luck!

SiewYean - posted on 09/21/2010

There can be many reasons to behavior problem. It is important to find the possible cause. Well, as you have mentioned your pregnancy could be one.
I would like to suggest if the different expectation on learning environment could also be a cause. Kids in Pre-K may be given a more relax environment to learn. Is the teacher expecting him to sit still in Kinder now to get his work done? You may want to find out if this suits his learning preference. You can find out more about children learning styles in http://www.kids-activities-learning-game...
I have learned that understanding your child learning weakness and strength and help him coup with learning may sometimes help.

Angie - posted on 09/20/2010

I'm sure there's a difference in the structures of pre-K and kindergarten. Children are not allowed to be as active and are asked to do more mental work. Go back and speak with his teacher - alone, not with him. Find out what her observations of him have been. Make him excited to go to school every day by telling how much fun he'll have or remind him that he gets to play with his new friends. Put a little note in his lunchbox to let him know you love him. He'll look forward to finding that every day. Give him some time to settle in. Don't be too harsh on him at home because he will soon come to dread school. He has a very long school career ahead of him, make sure he likes it from the start....

Leah - posted on 09/20/2010

Typically when children act out, they are seeking attention of some sort. Whether it be more affection, one on one time, or even negative attention (like the kind they recieve when they are naughty). Something is definitely going on with your child that you need to address, which is easier said than done when you don't know what to address. My suggestion to you is to get down on his level and ask him why he is acting naughty. Spankings aren't going to solve anything, they will only make things worse because when a person spanks, it's usually out of anger and they have had enough. That doesn't teach the child anything other than it's okay to lash out when they are angry. Is he being picked on at school? Is he getting the same treatment at school? Does he possibly have a learning disability? Sometimes children that aren't on the same academic level as other student's in the class will act out and get in trouble because then it takes the focus away from the real issue. I would explore those things and see if any of them bring you a conclusion. If not, I would recommend making an appointment with a psychiatrist to just have them talk to your child and see if they can find out what is going on. Best of luck!