my son who is ten is being bullied at school, i ave tried to help him, but i feel like i am failing him in a big way? as i do not know how i can help him through it all?

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Brandy - posted on 02/13/2009

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I just want to add that going to an adult w/in the school rarely works.   and changing schools simply means that the "bully" wins the game.   it is a game for bullies.  recent finding have shown that most bulllies are well adjusted children from happy homes who also DONOT see themselves as bullies!        the best method is to resond to every tease but not w/ a tease.

Brandy - posted on 02/13/2009

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the thing about bulling programs in schools is they dont work.     the BEST advice I have ever heard is this:  when you ( or the child) allows a bully to hurt their feelings the are giving them control.  the bully learns they have a romote and if they push this button the child cries.    how do you take that away?    



say you say to me "you suck at doing hair!" And I say "No I dont!"    you " yes you do! every one hates it when you do hair!"   I say " Thats not true!"     

  I have just given you the reaction you wanted. but.....



"You suck at doing hair!"        me~" really? do you think its my color application? or is it my cutting?"             "You just suck!"     ~"yes, but is it my cutting or my color?"        

  how do you respond when I agree w/ you? not so easy to bully me now.    



the same goes for children.   if you teach your child how not to be a victim  or rather how to deal with it  you give them the tools the take control.        work w/ your child. what is he being bullied about?    teach by role play.   tell him to tell you that you make horrible food. and give him the raction a bully looks for.        then start again this time agree. teach him thats its hard for a bully to "bully" him when he doesnt react!



 

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Nicole - posted on 02/13/2009

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My son had similar problems with kids on his school bus until I told him that if the child continues to 1st tell the driver if that doesn't help you then 2. retaliate but make sure the driver is aware of the issue before you do.

Nicole - posted on 02/13/2009

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My son had similar problems with kids on his school bus until I told him that if the child continues to 1st tell the driver if that doesn't help you then 2. retaliate but make sure the driver is aware of the issue before you do.

Angie - posted on 02/13/2009

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I agree, I found that going to teachers and principals at the school made the situation worse. Teach your son how to deal with the situations himself and make sure he knows that he should make sure to never be alone with the bully. If the bullying becomes physical, then to go to school officials.........

Jennifer - posted on 02/13/2009

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I would go tot he Principal without your son's knowledge, a lot of schools now have a NO BULLY rule. And if they are bullying kids, those kids can be expelled or suspended. At least thats the way it is here in So. Cal school's. But just go talk to the Principal and dont tell your son you did it, b/c then he will get mad and what not.. best to say nothing then if something gets done about it, he wont know it was you and made it happen. Hope this helps!

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karate is great for giving kids the confidence needed to verbally stand up for himself as he knows that he is physically able to defend himself if it got physical but also the confidence to walk away.

DeEda - posted on 02/12/2009

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I've just finished reading a book by Jim Fay called Parenting with Love and Logic, really usefully! I agree with them that the kids need to try to work it out on there own, it prepares them for life. The only time you need to get involved is if the child asks for your help, or you see life threatening things evolving. My son was bullied when he was 8 and then the next year the kids left him alone. I suggest just say ignore him if he bothers you, or would can you talk to at school and that might be able to help and this give my son the power of him being able to do something for him self!

Tammy - posted on 02/12/2009

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Okay, I am going through the same thing with my 6 year old (turning 7 tomorrow). My son is the biggest and tallest 1st grader in his school. And he is being bullied by the smallest kid I have ever seen. The problem is the "bully" is acting out, and he is doing it to your child because he knows he can get away with it, and he is looking obviously for his weak points. I am not sure what your child is like. But my son believes he can change the world and help everyone out, REALLY! LOL, I know weird but there are kids like that in this world. Anyhow my son is really nice, and he has a speech impairment. So this kid thinks he can boss him around. What I did was tell my son, still be nice, and walk away. If it escalates (which it has recently, the kid hit him 3 times in the face), I brought it up to the school principal's attention the boy got suspended.

Anyhow, your child has to stand up to the kid, I don't mean hit him back, but stop him from hitting him if he tries to, and to use his voice. He needs to make a scene vocally, and tell this boy "NO, STOP IT, LEAVE ME ALONE" If that does not work, than you need to have a meeting with the teacher(s), principal, and discuss the situation and see if the school is willing to work with you in regards to your situation. If they don't or nothing is resolved than take it up to the superindentant of the district. Keeping voicing your concern till you are heard. Your kid should not have to switch schools, if anything that child would be enabled continuing to be there and its obvious he would find someone new. This is a big concern for me as I had a friend in school who was bullied and committed suicide, so this should not be taken lightly. And you as a parent have every right to be concerned about your child's well being. No one should EVER feel threatened at school, we go there to enrich our lives and build social bonds. I hope that this helps a bit, and that you are more confident in what choices and steps you take in resolving all this for your family.

PS--If the kid harms your child physically, SERIOUSLY!!!! PRESS CHARGES!!! (majority of the time this opens the eyes of the bully's parents to actually handle their child, I worked in a law firm once upon a time, and you would be surprised as to how some kids transform after they go to court for hitting another kid, especially if you can catch it before it becomes a bigger problem in the future). You would not take that from some joe schmoe in public, why should your kid(s)? Standing up to someone is far greater than letting them win and enabling them. And yes, when I was a child my brother and his friends would make fun of me all the time, and I would get spit wads and stuff thrown at me all the time. I know the pain, and the embarrassment. I would do just about anything to stop it from happening to my son.

Krystie - posted on 02/12/2009

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My son is 11 and was getting bullied.  You are not alone, I too felt like I wasn't doing my motherly duty.  We talked alot about why bullies are mean.  Mainly my husband and I gave him support to do what he felt he needed to do.  He went through ignoring it, to laughing it off, how to physically fight, etc.  It finally ended up in a fist fight and although he was suspended from school we were supportive at home so that he knew he did the right thing. (The bully did stop picking on him after that.)



I think if he talks about that its not his fault and methods of what he can do - it will help him for his whole life.



On the parent side, I do think you should talk to the teacher and principal so that they are aware of the situation.  If it gets too out of control, don't be afraid to try talking to the police to see what options they may have.  It may help you to keep an account so that if you decide to change schools, you have proof that you did everything you could.

Jessica - posted on 02/12/2009

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My son is almost 6 and has been bullied as well. What things have you tried to do? When it happened to my son, the school principal took him in the office by himself, without me there, and yelled at him and told him he was lying. Thank goodness another mom whos daughter is in class with my son heard it. She told me immediately and I marched my mad (not mad, LIVID) mommy booty down to the school and told him and the teacher how dare they corner my child like that, and something needs to be done. I met with the bullys mom, and we discussed what was going on. Due to 'rules' about which schools they can go to according to where we live, he has to stay at that school. I recommend talking with the school, and if that doesnt help, call the bullys parents. Theres a good chance they dont know its happening. Get him some Jujitsu classes or something where he doesnt learn violence, but defending himself. Jujitsu teaches you how to try to mediate the situation before it escalates as well. May help. GOOD LUCK!! I hope for his sake the school does something!! BTW: You definitly arent failing as a mom. You are taking a stand. Good job mom!

Belinda - posted on 02/11/2009

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Hi, you are not failing him at all, you letter proves that you are seeking help. My boys are younger but bulling is always a worry. How about getting you son to go to Karate or Tai Kwon Do lessons, some self defence courses - it might be helpful for him to hear from instructor and learn defence tactics, it also gives them more confidence to stand up to bullies. hope it helps :-)

Mary - posted on 02/10/2009

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it really depends on what he is being bullied about. My oldest was being bullied, and I tried talking to the school counselor, principal, and superintendant. As sad as it is I had to threaten a bullying lawsuit before they would do anything about it. A good resource for tips is your local police department.

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