need advice on how to handle this situation.

Azeb - posted on 03/22/2013

Yesterday, my 10 years old daughter's teacher took my daughter's candy in their snack time in the class and saying it's unhealthy for her and the teacher ate all the candy in front of students' with out my daughter's permision. My daughter cried a lot. She has been throughing students' unhealthy candy before. I need help on how to handle this? Thanks, concerning mom.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/20/2011

I would also suggest meeting with the Principal first about this matter. Then possibly bringing in the teacher involved. Then after the 3 of you have come to a solution you're happy with, you could involve your child. I personally think the teacher has gone a bit 'overboard' in punishing your child, especially considering that she is only 5. Of course, I don't condone lying; but you have to consider her age & the facts of why she did it (ie being scared of punishment from the teacher). Based on the facts you gave, I don't think your daughter's teacher handled this situation properly at all! She should have 1st contacted you by telephone or arranged to meet with you to discuss the situation & come to a mutual decision on what to do about the problem. If you don't get satisfaction contacting the principal, u can go to the board as well.



I am apalled by Kalpana Mani's response. Maybe you should get a job you can handle since you obviously can't handle the duties of a teacher with 40 students by your response. I was a teacher for over 14 years. A teacher's job goes beyond educating in the 3 Rs, but also in values. Teachers are responsible for acting like the student's parent. You should take at least 5 min to talk to each child & make sure their needs are met. Yes, I would expect you to notify someone (principal or other teacher) of a child that was missing if you couldn't do it personally. The parent also did specify that she talked to her child about lying. Did you consider the child's age in your response? Teachers are supposed to treat children/students like a kind parent would. How can a child learn if their needs aren't met? A teacher's job goes beyond 'educating'. It is also the teacher's job to teach values & fulfill each child's needs.

Lisa - posted on 01/20/2011

I am glad to see that most people agree that the teacher is largely responsible for this. She is putting an awful lot of the blame on a 5yr old child in her care. She need a wake up call.

Lori - posted on 01/19/2011

Julie, on this particular day she said that she wasn't in the bathroom or the Nurses office she panicked because she was left in the lunchroom ( apparently she was Daydreaming or something) any way when she realized her class had gone on without her she feared that she would get into trouble for being in the lunch room so she made up the lie about going to the nurses office. She told my sister that she told the Teacher that she was in the lunchroom after she lied and that the teacher said to her NO! you were not, you were playing in the bathroom. so either way she was going a be in trouble. She realizes that it's always better to tell the truth and get into trouble instead of telling a non-truth and still get into trouble. But now every time she tells us something about her day she say "and I'm Not Lying" I hope this hasn't scared her. I will give it some time and see how things go from here. I don't have a problem with the teacher as a person but I do feel that the way she handled things was a bit over the top.there are other ways to correct behavioral issues.

Julie - posted on 01/19/2011

What did your daughter say about hanging out in the bathroom and not going to class like she was supposed to do? Believe me, I've been there/am there with my older children. They are the youngest in their classes, very intelligent and throughout their school years they have had difficulties with others at school, but have found ways to survive it. This year my son has been hanging out in the bathroom and the nurses office. It's better than being bullied or feeling like you are being yelled at or ignored or being bored in class. Gifted and talented students realize very young that they are different than others and may not know how they are different, but they want to know why. They have to learn how to balance the reality of school life with their identity - do you speak up and show you do know it all or do you try to fit in, which usually goes against what your brain is telling you to do. You run the risk of either alienating your age peers and becoming the teacher's pet or possibly becoming a threat to the teachers if they feel insecure about advanced students or overwhelmed about additional material to teach. My daughter is still trying to understand in 10th grade why her classmates don't know the things she does and why her teachers expect her to be perfect and want her to ask questions of her classmates who she knows don't know the answers to her questions. Her intellectual peers are her teachers. This is the child who told me in 1st-2nd grade she was going to become a hermit and wanted to know why no one would play with her at recess. As far as her not completing the work, according to the teacher, did the teacher specifically say to fill out the worksheet, etc.? I'm finding if specific instructions aren't given my children won't do it - ex. show work - "the teacher just wants the answer". They tend to do all the work in their heads and won't write out the process, which is excruitiating for them because it slows them down. Or they say they will do it, but they will do it on their own time, just not when I want them to, but it will get done on time. As far as the teacher aides go, usually they are hired for specific students that need the extra attention. The best advice I can give you is keep the communication lines open with your daughter every day about school and with her teachers. If things can't work out to your satisfaction between the teacher and you in a reasonable time period then you should bring it up with the principal and discuss options that are in the best interest of your child. Keep good records of what happens also (date, behavior, what is said, etc.). Good luck.

Lori - posted on 01/19/2011

My daughter does not misbehave and get away with it at home at home she is a very Happy and healthy little girl and it show. She Lied because she was left behind and scared. the teacher escorts them to the lunch room and then back to the class there is no reason for to be left behind. And she did the writhing asignment as the teacher requested and we talked to her about not being truthful and if it continues that there will be consequences. She is younger than most of the children in her class but very intelligent. I have 15+ years experience with children and for a 5 year old this is pretty normal behavior I'm not saying what she did was right but children will test their limits. The truth of the matter is that the teacher wasn't even aware that my daughter was not with the group till she returned on her own back to the room. No matter how many kids you have under your watch the adult is responsible for their safety and well being. Thats why is call adult supervision. I don't think my reaction is unreasonable. The event leading up to this one is more clear to me now and I have a better understand why my child cries and doesn't want to go to school. Their is no reason for my Daughter to have been missing for any period of time with 3 Adults in the room. YOU bet your A$$ I expect someone to go look for her to see if she is sick or hurt this is/was unacceptable.A lot could happen in just 5 minutes. And for a 5 year old she was responsible enough to not wonder outside and just go to her class. The teacher should never leave a room without a head count regardless if she has 1 or 50 kids.

Donna - posted on 01/18/2011

I so agree with Kalpana..Sounds like the 5 year old gets consequenses for bad behavior at school so she lied to not get in trouble. She might tell the truth at home because she gets away with bad behavior.. The question is did the 5 year old have any punishment at home for lying.. The parents are the ones to teach children no matter the age whats wright and wrong.. She should already know better..

Kalpana - posted on 01/18/2011

I am a teacher with 40 charges under me and putting in 7 hours of teaching time and 4 hours of marking, planning, meeting etc with no teacher aid or whatsoever to help me out. Sometimes, teachers take the easiest way to reprimand them than pulling them out of the class for 5 minutes to explain the situation, simply because of time constrains and having 39 others to be engaged in those minutes I speak to one child. Just in my class I have 13 of them with anger-management issues, ADHD and autism. Can you imagine I spend 5 minutes every day talking to one child? Because someone is going to get into trouble every day. at least in my class.

As for not noticing your child is missing. My school has no visitor policy. Which means no one unauthorised is allowed to go past the office or anywhere in the school compound at all! Maybe you should look to talking to the principal about implementing something similar in your daughter's school. If a child is late then it's probably that they are in the toilet or grabbing the last bite from lunch etc. Do you expect me to leave my 39 others to look for that one child who was delayed somewhere? Again, since my school has the no visitors in school thing, we don't look for the child because they are probably held up somewhere else.

Lying is something I will never tolerate. I think it was at least good of the teacher to inform you within the first instance that it occurred. Maybe you should have a talk with her. Children also lie from fear or to get out of trouble. Our duty as teachers is to educate them. When there are teachable moments about honesty etc we do it but primarily it should come from home. If she is lying only in school you have to find out from her NOT from the teacher why she is doing it.

I am a parent and a teacher. But I am put off by some parents who pick on the teachers for every small thing that happens. Love confidence and other values have to be rooted from home. Then no matter what the situation it will be easier for the kids to handle situations in school. Even if they lie or misbehave it will not be recurring treand for years to come. Parents forget we have 40 to look after. Not just one.

Laura - posted on 01/17/2011

I agree that the Teacher should have sought out your daughter instead of waiting for her to return...As for the lying part? It seemed that maybe she was scared because all of a sudden in one day she doesn't tell the truth? I have read a couple things about kids and why they lie, it's because they're usually scared of the consequences...maybe she was scared? I would tell the teacher that you will handle it, maybe she's intimidated by the teacher?

Sara - posted on 01/17/2011

I agree, the teacher should have checked BEFORE leaving the lunch room!!! No questions asked, that should be unacceptable. Never leave a child behind.

Lori - posted on 01/17/2011

Thanks, For all the advice ladies. I still haven't gotten to speak with My Daughters teacher because we have missed school because of snow. However I have made a list of questions to ask the teacher about My Daughters where abouts.Starting with # 1 The teacher said my daughter was fooling around in the bathroom? if she already new where my child was why did she ask where she had been? #2 If my child was missing for 5 minutes why didn't she go check the bathroom to see if my Daughter was sick? the list goes on. I'm so frustrated with this.

Lisa - posted on 01/13/2011

Did you ask your daughter why she lied? All of your questions just might be answered right then. My guess would be fear of consequences. In that case I would be having a serious chat with the teacher. Young children have the attention span of a gold fish. They get distracted at the slightest glitter. Teachers know this all too well. If your child and others are being punished for every little thing ( and it's all little) then it's no wonder she is lieing. If she has two aids there is no excuse good enough for her losing your child. Doing a head count before leaving any room is a no brainer. Shame on miss perfect. My response to the teacher would be... "Thank you for the heads up on my childs recent behavior in class. We will address the matter at home. However I am concerned at the lack of supervision at the school in regard to my child being missing from the group for an extended period of time." Sincerely, THE MOM

LadyLu - posted on 01/13/2011

Quick reply...
You did the right thing speaking with your daughter.
Call the school head teacher.
Oh & my stepson had lines a few months ago... Google it & you'll see what a negative thing it is for young children. Show your head teacher the facts on that too.....

Dawn - posted on 01/13/2011

Maybe she's afraid of her teacher, that can cause children to lie.

Dawn - posted on 01/13/2011

I totally agree, she Is only 5, everything at this age Is confusing and they are just learning how to socially Interact with their peers, this teacher should be calling you If there are any problems and not punishing your child. My son Is now 9 and he had some Issues In Kindergarten as all kids do, she will grow out of lying so don't worry.

Kelli - posted on 01/13/2011

if ur daughter was afraid to talk to da teacher there may have been a reason for dat ask ur daughter if the teacher yelled at her.dat could be the reason for lying.i myself have been in a few situations were my daughter would lie but she would come home and tell me wat happened the teacher yelled at her n i went ballistic.the teacher yelled in her face dat really pissed me off.i went to the school n talked to the principle n told him if u dont take care of this situation i will n it will be ugly u will be calling 911 cuz i will knock dat bitches dentures down her throat.he took care of it n she retired dat same year.i also told da superintedent do his fukin job.i am very protective of my kids n if i dont do those things to my kids i'll be damned if someone else does.so to make a long story short i would have a conference n pay close attention to dat teachers response n reaction.gud luck hun.god bless

Liesel - posted on 01/11/2011

I think this an over-reaction on the teacher's part. Your daughter is only 5. If she was in 2nd or 3rd grade then maybe this would be appropriate. But I think she should have handled it more gently and not with a humiliating punishment. Calling a 5 year old a liar doesn't seem developmentally appropriate. She was just scared. To me it seems like your daughter's teacher is very authoritarian and she is probably afraid of her which is causing the behavior. The teacher is unlikely to change so maybe just acting out various scenarios in which your daughter tells the truth even if it will get her in "trouble" would be helpful. If you practice it with her it will give her a strategy to fall back on.

Karen - posted on 01/10/2011

Yikes, she needs to understand that lying is wrong but how to you teach a 5 year old that? I was recently told by an expert that the 'voice of reason ' is age 8 and until then they don't understand fully.
And I agree with you - why didn't anyone notice she was missing for 5 minutes?
Good luck, and let us know what happens!

Amy - posted on 01/10/2011

Tyler IIku sd it very well ! Like she sd I believe the teacher needs the 5 minutes for not realizing she was missing !! Isnt the teacher supose to be watching these kids ? I would have a cow if that was my child and the teacher didnt know she was gone and why isnt she doing a head count ? Call the principle

Jodie - posted on 01/10/2011

If you're concerned about what is happening in your daughter's class then you need to make an appointment with the teacher to discuss it in person. If you're not satisfied with the conversation, steps to be taken, etc then you go to the principal. If you go directly to the principal without speaking to the teacher about it first they will simply direct you back to the teacher. The first question the principal will ask is whether or not you've spoken to the teacher. It's really common courtesy to speak to her first. Think about how you would feel if a customer/parent/etc had an issue with you and, instead of speaking with you, went over your head to your employer. Talk to the teacher!!!

Jessica - posted on 01/09/2011

I had a similar problem with my daughters teacher and when I asked around it seemed to be a trend if your kid wasn't at the top of the class.
Kids lie in fear
I had to go see the principal about it and sfter that never heard a thing or had a problem.
I hope your daughter gets a better teacher, or have her moved from that class into another.

Candy - posted on 01/08/2011

I would address the lieing with my daughter. I would punish her for that. Then I would have a talk with the teacher who LOST my child for 5 min. What if she hadnt come back to class? Find out how she is going to do better about not LOSING child from now on. I wouldnt try to read to much into the lieing itself. Kids lie and try to get out of getting in trouble. You are lucky she was caught and can be punished now and hopfully it want happen again.

Mary - posted on 01/07/2011

Questions for you to ask:
1. Why was you daughter afraid to say where she was? has there been a problem with another child over being late and your daughter reacted to that problem?
2. I believe children lie from fear !!!! where is it coming from
3. Check with other parents in your daughters class, see if there is a general problem

Teresa - posted on 01/07/2011

Ah... ok. Good luck!!

Lori - posted on 01/07/2011

Teresa, I did talk to my daughter about lying and the consequence's of lying to get out of trouble. And she did the writing assignment and turned it in just as the teacher had asked. I haven't had reason to believe she lies because she hasn't lied to me. and when I asked her about the situation at school she didn't hesitate to tell me the truth. for some reason she felt the need to lie to her teacher and that is what concerns me. Maybe when she is being Honest to the teacher she is still being accused of lying so this time she lied. I don't know. but I will get to the bottom of it. Thanks

Teresa - posted on 01/07/2011

I understand you are upset about your child missing for 5 minutes, but I feel that issue should be addressed seperate to the lying. If it were my kid, she would be writing a letter of apology to the teacher and be told by me that lying is unacceptable regardless of the circumstances. Lying to avoid getting in trouble does not work cuz if you lie you will not only get in trouble from the school, but will also be in trouble at home.

Lori - posted on 01/07/2011

Thanks Tyler. Oh By the way the teacher has 2 aids that is why I was so upset that my child was missing for 5 minutes and no one noticed till she returned to class. Of all the things you hear on the news lately of missing children. i guess I'm a little over protective. A lot could happen in 5 minutes time.

Tyler - posted on 01/07/2011

I would suggest calling the Principle and making an appointment for all of you to talk about this. My only response to the teacher right now would be that you have talked to your daughter and want to meet in person about this matter. Anything that you put in writing will be put in a folder and referred to later, so be careful.
I dont think you are over reacting. letting this teacher continue to treat your daughter like this is not acceptable in my mind. I understand that teachers have a hard job with so many kids, but she is doing this in a negative way. We should always concentrate on the positives of a young child. Not point out to everyone that she lies. Perhaps her sentence should be "I will tell the truth to everyone". I do not think this teacher is doing what is best here. She should not be saying in class, where her classmates can hear, "make sure she wasn't telling lies"! This is an age where they are learning so many things that a quiet talking to her would be less damaging. I would also be upset that she got the 5 minutes for being late from breakfast, I believe the teacher needs the 5 minutes for not realizing she was missing! She is only 5 years old! Perhaps the teacher needs to have a teachers aid to make sure the whole class is together and safe. Good luck