Need Help With a VIOLENT 5 yr old.

Venessa - posted on 09/09/2010 ( 62 moms have responded )

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There is no violence in our home, my husband and I get along very well. My husband works all day and does not come home till night but spends as much time with our 5 year old as he can, he gets up and gets him dressed and on the bus every morning and they do nightly prayers together. I'm a stay at home mom with our 10 month old little girl, when my son comes home from school we chat and play a little but mostly he wants to play with sissy and watch movies (Disneys Cars-All Dogs Go To Heaven.etc.) but lately we have been experiencing violent behavior with him. Since he was 2 he has always had some problems with anger (throwing things, fits lasting for hours and so forth) we've kept it under tabs [retty well, but since the baby has been able to crawl and climb he has a tendency to knock her over by "accident" or "accidently" hit her with a ball or other things, she generally does not get hurt as he's very mild about what he does, but in SCHOOL we are experiencing alot of hitting, shoving, and arm twisting. I don't know what to do he is on the verge of expelltion after only 3 WEEKS OF SCHOOL!!! We have tried spankings, time outs, and reward systems that do not work. I'm at a loss as a parent and need some advice. I'm concidering sending him to a pshycologist. His teachers say he's smart, smarter than the other kids in class, and he says he loves school and his friends there, but we cannont over come this violence towards other.. HELP!!!

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Jenny - posted on 09/26/2012

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Thankyou for the helpful advice. My husband and I have started to see a therapist for our marriage as we do argue and although we try to not do it in front of the kids, my husband gets VERY heated he has a VERY bad temper, he has never hit me or the kids but he smashed our 52 inch flat screen TV in front of my son. he screams and swears very loud at me and my son so even if we are in another room, my son hears HIM, I am always very quiet, so my son tends to have hate for his father after we have an argument because he doesnt hear me. We argue about once a week, but my husband gets mad at our son alot and he has grabbed my son by his arm and thrown him on the couch or bed to yell at him. he has no patience. He has even admitted that he thinks he needs anger management so I am hoping this therapy will help Im sure it is linked to my sons behaviour. But now how do we fix our little man from turnning into his dad? he loves his dad dearly but his dad does not spend enough time with him so he gets quite excited about an attention from him. Most of the time though its my husband yelling at him. I have thought of leaving my husband but I dont know if that would make things worse for Owen, is it better to have a dad with a bad temper who is angry all the time? or have no dad? (well a dad just on the weekends) I just want to do whats best for my kids.

Stephanie - posted on 09/21/2010

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I have a 7 year old son who started with his aggressive behavior at just 18mos. He would beat his head against the wall out of anger and frustration. He gradually stopped that but began holding his breath. NOw at the age of 7 he hits, punches, screams and uses language that I dont find appropriate in our house. "stupid" and "hate" are just some of the examples. He lashes out a lot. He does not do well in school in terms of being in a large group of kids. But is extremely smart. He will "accidently" hurt his younger siblings. He sounds lot like your little one. I have been to numerous doctors and have bent over backwards for him to get the help he needs to "normalize" his behavior. ADHD was part of the answer, as well is anxiety and a sensory disorder. He is now seeing a psychologist to help him understand his moods. There are parenting groups out there that will help to teach you how to deal with aggressive behavior as well as other techniques. We used play therapy which also helped alot. I also suggest researching what could help with children that can be short tempered. The one thing that I can tell you that does not work with these type of children is showing that you are angered or frustrated, particularly spanking. I hope some of this helps. This is coming from another parent who has and is still dealing with similar problems. I learned that noone is going to just offer to help you need to advocate for the best interest of your children.

Good luck and God Bless!!

Michelle - posted on 09/11/2010

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All these parents make a valid point but, this is another suggestion as your son sounds just like mine was at that age I would strongly suggest you talk to your dr. about ADHD or ADD with aggresive tendencies. Children with ADHD or ADD are normally extremely smart, need more stimulation academically but get distracted by others. At the age of 3-6 my sons way of dealing with his frustration was to lash out at others. We were lucky and in our school system he qualified for a teachers aide who helped to teach him how to use his words and also did more challenging work with him to keep him from getting bored. This is just a suggestion I hope you find your answers.

Vicky - posted on 09/18/2012

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This sounds just like my 5 year old. Violent one minute loving next. Loves going to school and seeing his friends. Always uses their full names when talking to them. He was told he would have to leave the school when he was nearly 4 because he kept throwing large toys at the other children i.e toy microwave and it hit another child and left small cut on their head. Very smart with electrical equipment and maths but wouldn't even hold or look at letters and books until we did the following things. The school he goes to has teachers who are trained in autistic spectrum children and they said he needed to be put forward for testing. We have done the first test and it showed he was definately on the scale and the school has put in loads of extra levels for his work and I can see the changes in him already. He can now tell us when he needs everyone to go away and can say when his "mind has come back" (his words). Have to wait 2 years for final testing as its a very long process once you get onto ladder. If in doubt ask its only a form to fill in that everyone who looks after the child fills in and if they match up it shows positive result. Nothing lost if it doesn't but it eliminates this area from a very long list of different behavioural styles. Hope this helps anyone who reads this

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If his teachers say he's so smart, maybe he isn't feeling challenged enough in school, gets bored and then acts out? Another thought is that he just can't handle all the kids and stimulation. From what you say he seems to be good in small group situations, maybe he feels really uncomfortable in large groups and feels anxiety? These are just a couple things I've thought of. Perhaps they could try to work with him in smaller groups? I have no experience besides "mom" experience, and my kids are the same age as yours, so take it for what it's worth. Kids a lot of times also are super touchy feely. Perhaps you should have him have a no touching rule, which means he's not allowed to touch anyone when he's at school(or hands to yourself type thing). You could also teach him to tell other kids to please not touch him, either. Hope this gives you some ideas if nothing else. Good luck!

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Ailin - posted on 10/23/2013

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I know this post is old, but I would appreciate if any of you can tell me what really worked at your house. My son also get angry very quickly (too quickly) and get violent, throws chairs, kicks, screams and says things like "hate","im gonna punch you" etc, He is 5 now and we had tried many things. A previous psychologist told us to use time outs, they don't work, he gets worst... a new psychologist told us he needs to learn how to cope with his feelings, its OK to get angry but he needs to learn how to calm down in a non violent manner.... she told us it takes a lot of practice... how to make the school understand? how to tell the teachers he does not mean it? the psychologist told us that at the moment of rage he gets blind, he automatically feels sorry for what he has done and apologizes, he loves school and it is a loving kid, always kissing and he is very loving with his little baby sister.... the problem is us, parents, how to cope with it?> how to prevent the school from expelling him,? we are dong everything on our power,.... what worked for you? when did you kid change? I am against medicines... I believe anyone, even the worst person is calm and easy to manage under drugs... I wouldn't want to change my kid, he is loving and caring but he gets blind when upset. The psychologist does not believe in drugs either, but in consistency.... how to recuperate my patience? that is the problem....

Ailin - posted on 10/23/2013

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I know this post is old, but I would appreciate if any of you can tell me what really worked at your house. My son also get angry very quickly (too quickly) and get violent, throws chairs, kicks, screams and says things like "hate","im gonna punch you" etc, He is 5 now and we had tried many things. A previous psychologist told us to use time outs, they don't work, he gets worst... a new psychologist told us he needs to learn how to cope with his feelings, its OK to get angry but he needs to learn how to calm down in a non violent manner.... she told us it takes a lot of practice... how to make the school understand? how to tell the teachers he does not mean it? the psychologist told us that at the moment of rage he gets blind, he automatically feels sorry for what he has done and apologizes, he loves school and it is a loving kid, always kissing and he is very loving with his little baby sister.... the problem is us, parents, how to cope with it?> how to prevent the school from expelling him,? we are dong everything on our power,.... what worked for you? when did you kid change? I am against medicines... I believe anyone, even the worst person is calm and easy to manage under drugs... I wouldn't want to change my kid, he is loving and caring but he gets blind when upset. The psychologist does not believe in drugs either, but in consistency.... how to recuperate my patience? that is the problem....

Carla - posted on 11/04/2012

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@Kristina--our little granddaughter is like this. She will be fine and it's like someone turned on her switch and she goes from Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde. What works for me is putting her on the naughty spot. And we have a different name for it when she is in one of these moods, we call it 'attitude adjustment'. We have done this for a couple years now, and it almost always gets her back to normal. If, after her time is over (1 min per year of age), she is still crying, I ask her if she needs more time. She stops and gets up and she's fine. Sometimes she's tired--she started all day kindergarten and she's used to having a nap. But sometimes she just wants to be ornery. Grammy does not put up with that. It's all a matter of consistency. At my house, she knows this is the way it is and there's no negotiating. With her mom and dad, it depends on how busy they are, and I understand that, I had little ones of my own, too ;) But grandparents have oodles of time, and have learned the importance of getting these issues taken care of before they become habits.



I would not worry about bi-polar right now. This has become the buzz-diagnosis of the time. Usually medication is not the answer, consistency is.



There is NO WAY you have time to spend 'quality time' with each child, work, take care of the home and stay sane. But quality time isn't necessarily sitting down one-on-one. Faith helps me make breakfast--has since she was old enough to stand on a chair and reach the counter. She can crack eggs and beat them (she LOVES the whisk ;)), she can make toast and she washes dishes GREAT! We make cookies and decorate them. She and her brother go grocery shopping with us and help us find the items on the list. THIS is quality time. Sometimes it's nice to take an afternoon and take one to the library, if that's her love, or to the zoo, just one-in-one, but don't drive yourself nuts. If you're stressed and frazzled, you are not going to accomplish the bonding time you are looking for.



I hope things calm down for you, honey.

Kristina - posted on 11/03/2012

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I have three daughters. My oldest one was convinced that she was touched when she was five years old by my stepmother. She has been to counsling for this. I put her back in counsling over the last few months cause she has been having voilent outburst towards her sisters. I know that they are sisters and they will fight. Well it progressed into saying she was going to run away and kill herself. I guess the counlsing is working cause she has gotten alot better. Mymiddle daughter has a speech problem and she was also told that she was messed with too. She is highly emotional cries about almost everything. Now my youngest. She is my other two's half sister. She has always been had outbrust bout litte things. Now it is progressing to being voilent towards other children at school and at her daycare she attends. ( which I work at) Her teachers say she is sweet til you ask hr to throw away her trah or clean up ssomething.She has been in the office over ten times this school year and she has got swats half the time she goes to the office. And she still goes back to the office. Her teachers had hinted to me that she might be bipoolar. Cause on minute she is happy and getting along with everyone then she has a voilent outburst over nothing. I have noticed this at home also. My daughter doesn't see her real dad but every one to two years. He has another daughter also that is in counsling for her temper. I know bipolar can be inheritated from the family. But how can you really tell if she is bipolar or if she is just having a fit to get attention. I try to spend extra time with all of them but working ten hours a day and being a single mom trying to keep house clean, laundry, and the yard clean. There is not enough time in the day. I try and get them to help me. The oldest she refuses but my other two starts helping then they stop and go play. Which I don't mind they are kids and they should have fun. I need ideas on how to get everything done and still have time for all of them.

Carla - posted on 09/29/2012

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Jenny, Hubby's mom sounds like mine. Daddy would cry after mom had lit into him, and us kids would try to comfort him. It affected us all. Her temper and tantrums/screaming/crying fits kept our family hostage. Some of us took after mom, and some of us took after Dad, but we've all got issues.



Try to get Hubby to open up a bit and get it out into the open. I think therapy would be really helpful. He needs love, not the kind he got at home, but the love of Jesus, to help him get out of the past.



God bless, honey

J.j. - posted on 09/28/2012

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Carla,thanks so much for your advice, it has really helped me and made me feel so much better about my situation. My husband told me his mom had a very bad temper and low patience with him and his brother when they were kids,and was/is very moody, so I know that must be where he gets it from. His dad is very quiet and doesnt say much, but he said his mom was really mean to his dad and he remembers his mom yelling at his dad all the time and his dad crying. My husband really is alot like his mom. I will keep you posted on how the therapy goes. I see so much love in my son and I know he is a sweet little boy with a big heart, I just really hope we can get his temper under control, I want him to grow up happy and confident. :)

Carla - posted on 09/27/2012

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Jenny, if he is willing to get help, go with that, and don't leave yet. I will ask you the same thing I ask about husbands with violent temper--what was HIS childhood like? How was HE raised? This is usually very telling about how a person parents. We mimic what we see. Is he in a stressful job situation? There are so many factors that cause anger, especially for a man, who usually isn't very good at sharing his feelings. I call my husband Mr. Clam. We were married 30 years before he started opening up to me! But, it was worth the wait ;)



God bless, honey

Joanne - posted on 09/26/2012

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Hello Venessa. Your son sounds like a wonderful boy. I have worked with many, many children who sound very much like your son. They are loving and tender at home and seem to unleash when they are out of sight.

Here are some of the reasons we discovered while working as a pre-school teacher,



Some of the games the older preschool boys in particular play are often more hands on. Sometimes kids don't know how "hard" they're playing until someone gets hurt. Reminding your son what games are and aren't okay at school might be a good step. My own son now 8yr had a hard time in school when his games of tag became too aggressive.



Some kids will use their hands if their language is underdeveloped. It is the quickest way of getting a message across.



Is you son a target of verbal bullying and this is retaliation? If so then working with him on using his words vs his hands is definitely a conversation you want to have.



When is the aggression being shown? Transition times? Free time? Lunch time?

Knowing when they are happening can help you diagnose the why. If it is happening in line waiting to go outside, it might be that your son needs some help with transitions. Does he require more time to get ready to reduce the stress of being first outside. Does he get anxious over having to stand in line for extended periods of time? If he is doing this outside, is there not enough structure for him. Is he playing with older children and he is attempting to hold his own?

Is he being goated into it. If it is happening at lunch, is there is new teacher in the room then? Are there new people around making him nervous. Is he under a time restraint that is making him anxious. Is your son a child who needs to be rewarded and is feeling left out or unacknowledged by the staff and hitting is reinforcing the attention factor? What happens when he hits, is he brought inside from outside? Is that something he wanted to begin with? Does he get sent down to the principals office, is this more interesting then sitting in class?



Answering these questions might not be easy but it might help you to uncover why your son is hitting. Remember that the hitting and shoving are only symptoms of what's really happening. He is reacting to something. He is a good kid who simply needs some guidance to effectively manage his stressors.



Good luck.

Angela - posted on 09/24/2012

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Oh Vanessa you sweetheart! You're really going through it aren't you... Parenting eh, always a challenge but the rewards are worth it.. I really don't know what to say or advise, as it's a tough one because the spectrum of cause is so wide, but reading the responses you've had, I do hope it's made you realise something, your are not alone honey! We are all out there for you, and any advice or tips are helpful....

Maybe arrange a time with your husband, when the children are asleep, to sit down together, and have a good old talk about how you both feel about what is happening with your son? May sound silly but you know, sometimes, just airing your feelings, or "getting it off your chest" really helps.. You and your husband could write up a list of possible reasons for his behavior, then maybe investigate this list item by item?

Sometimes kids are just kids, and being the eldest, your son has had a lot of adapting to do with the arrival of your baby, plus starting school, it's big changes for him, and because little children don't always have the vocabulary available, because they're so young, they can't explain how they're feeling, so act out instead?

Please please be reassured, he is doing what lots of other children do, and something my Health Visitor once told me, even when your child is "lashing out" or displaying violent behavior etc, remember one thing, he is expressing himself, and that means he has the ability to do so. Being able to display his emotions, positive or negative, proves that you're doing a great job as a parent... You mentioned he is very loving, affectionate etc? There you are, he's emotionally well balanced...

Remember, focus on the positive, reward and praise him lots when he displays love and affection by showing him the same, and when he does display violent behaviour, time out, exclusion, and a reminder that hitting it totally unacceptable (I'm afraid you'll have to stop spanking him too, otherwise he's getting mixed messages, "hitting is wrong son, just as I spank you" tough I know, as we all know, they know how to push us mums to our limits) .. And if things get really tough, just take some deep breaths, and go into another room if it's safe to do so...

Vanessa, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I myself experiences a few violent issues with my son when he was little, and the cause was simple insecurity after his dad and I divorced, it took it's toll on everyone..

Sending you positive thoughts and strength, and hope I've not said anything upsetting, please please don't give up! You're amazing, you brought two little people into this world....

Best, God Bless x

Carla - posted on 09/23/2012

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@Vickie--I have heard this as well. Learning a self-defense strategy lets children AND women know they are not helpless in this violent world. Plus, it IS a discipline. The downside of this is that it is very expensive. I would check into ALL the costs before enrolling your child.



Back in the days of the dinosaurs when I was young, our dads taught the boys how to defend themselves. They were schooled on when to fight, when not to. This discipline (like Tae kwondo), takes time.



Time out WILL work, IF you are consistent with it. I hate to sound like a broken record, but watch Supernanny. When she first initiates the naughty spot, it will take the parents HOURS to get the kid to sit on the spot quietly HOWEVER, ONCE the child gets it, and you use it CONSISTENTLY, behavior changes. It is also a great quiet time, which our granddaughter needs at times. 5 minutes of sitting quietly usually dispels her tantrum. The problem is, parents 'try' it once or twice, but are not willing to put in the initial hard work it takes to get through to the child that 'Mommy (or Daddy) is in charge, not you'. Once they figure out you are NOT going to give in, they do.



God bless, all

Vickie - posted on 09/23/2012

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This may seem a bit out there in comparison to what others are saying, but have you ever thought of taking him to karate/taekwondo? You might think that would make things worse, but I've been extremely impressed with what my son learns there. The kicking and punching is such a small part of it. They learn self-respect, discipline, how to deal with bullies, what to do if a stranger approaches them... and "using" karate - kicking and punching - are not the solutions in any of those situations.



We took my son there for a different reason - we was so painfully shy we were searching for ways to boost his confidence and self-esteem. I see kids there who are more aggressive, and the rewards system SEEMS to have an impact on them. They earn different color belts every couple of months (or as often as you feel like testing) and have the opportunities to earn colored stripes on their belt for things like good attitude, doing something for their parents at home, being a good friend, etc.



Our instructor tells the kids the parents can take their stripes away at home, or if they don't listen or show respect in class he can take their stripes away. So there's just a lot of positive rewards for good behavir and consequences for negative behavior. So it may be something to consider.

Carla - posted on 09/16/2012

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It IS an old post, Kumari, and I don't think Vanessa is with us any longer, however, Jenny now needs help, so we will turn our efforts to her. I think it's wonderful that people can be going through our topics and find something that relates to their problems, and can be helped. So let's pray for Jenny, if you have some advice for her, please chime in ;)



God bless, hon

Carla - posted on 09/15/2012

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Wow, Jenny! I have noticed with my grandbabies that they get REAL angry REAL quick. It must be the times. What I have done with them from a very early age is problem-solving. So many times they get frustrated at trying to perform a task, and throw it in anger. We do the naughty spot, which helps defuse a situation, but after they have 'served their time' we sit for a few minutes and talk about 'what do you think you should have done?' We have to remember kids know NOTHING. What they learn is what they see or hear. ARE we taking the time to teach them? Example: Susie is sitting playing with her doll. Johnny comes up and wants her to play with him, so he takes her doll and throws it. Susie, of course, starts screaming and probably hits Johnny. Mommy goes in and says 'what's going on!', and they both start talking at once. So Mommy sits them down, makes them be quiet, finds out what started the melee. Mommy asks Johnny WHY he threw the doll. Johnny says 'because I wanted Susie to play with me!' Mommy says 'Johnny, what do you think you should have done or said to get Susie to play with you?' Johnny thinks about it a minute, and Mommy may have to nudge him a little bit in the right direction--'Johnny, when I want you to do something for me, do I throw your toy, or do I ask you to feed the dog? How do you think Susie felt when you threw her doll? She certainly didn't feel like playing with you! How about sitting down next to Susie and asking her to play with you?' It seems to work well with Grant if I turn the tables on him and ask him how HE'D feel if Faith did that to him.



We HAVE to equip our children with the coping tools that will defuse the situation and also the anger that crops up so quickly in young children. But more importantly, we have to MODEL the behavior we want our children to have.



Next, go through your house and take inventory: what TV shows or DVDs, video games, etc is he exposed to? I was shocked to see our friend's little 7 y/o playing one of those war game things on his Xbox. I TRY ( ;) ) to stay out of the way friends and loved ones run their lives, but Jeff is divorced, just retired from the prison system, and wasn't very involved in the day-to-day lives of the children. He NEEDS a little help ;) So I mentioned that, because Austin is also very violent. Now some of it is because of the divorce, granted. But giving them violent games certainly isn't teaching them how to reason out a problem--he just punches! How are you and Dad interacting with each other? Do you yell and scream?



Kids are like little sponges--and it's our responsibility to give them good stuff to put into their spirits. Now I don't know if ANY of this relates to you guys, but it's just a list of suggestions. Pray for him, pray with him for his anger, teach him the ways of peace. I hope this helps.



God bless, honey

Jenny - posted on 09/14/2012

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I know this post is old, but I am now having the same problem with 5 year old son,same thing he has had anger issues since he was 2. he is hitting and punching kids in his class.throwing things and saying god awful things that I have no idea where he has heard them! for instance he told another kid in the class that he was going to cut off his face! I was so shocked!! He obviously heard it somewhere but I dont know where. I am also thinking of sending him to a pyschologist. His teacher things he has some behavior issues that need to be taken care of, he was actually called a danger to the classroom and school. He is such a loving little boy most of the time at home, but if he gets a time out for something he will tell me/ he will have me or his dad killed,depending on which one gave him the time out. I dont know what to do anymore so I am just wondering how you ended up dealing with it and how things turned out. any advice at all would be greatly appreciated! thankyou!

Minnie - posted on 09/24/2010

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I am the mother of 7 boys. When my 2nd child was about 2-3 he had bizarre dangerous habits such as cutting the electrical cords to see them spark and having fits. He was difficult to deal with. I thought it was me but I found out it was him. I was introduced to the Dr. Ben Feingold. You can reasearch his studies at www.feingold.org. Dr Feingold's research showed children displayed numerous symptoms (too numerous to list here) that were a reaction to certain chemicals and additives. Violence is one behavior that is listed. Dr Feingold found that if a child's diet was monitored and the offensive additives removed the child behavior improved. I know that it made a difference in our household. Research it for yourself and see if it helps. I hope this is helpful.

Sonya - posted on 09/23/2010

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I am sorry but I did not read all of your previous replies but felt the need to post a reply! It's great that you found a reward system that works! If he is that smart, he may be bored OR other kids may be making fun of him. Please rule that out as he may not be able to recognize this himself to tell you! Other kids can be mean even early in elementary school. He sounds like a wonderful boy and keep encourageing him and telling him you are proud of him. Counsellor's and Psychiatrists are great but you may be able to figure this out just fine at home without the additional cost. Save that for last resort! Wishing you the very best.

Carla - posted on 09/23/2010

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Kids need to learn coping skills. I am seeing with my grandchildren more anger than there was with my own kids. When they are here and they start to throw a fit, I find out what's going on. ie: I can't get this car to go right. Okay, what do you think we need to do to make it go? Then whatever he thinks. If it's right, I help him, if not, I suggest we do whatever. They see us doing things perfectly, but don't understand why they can't just pick something up and be an expert at it.

If he knocks Sissy over more than once every couple days, I would say it was on purpose. Does he hurt her? Even if he doesn't, I would say 'Johnny, you hit Sissy, now go pick her up, give her a kiss and sit her back up again.'

If he is open, ask him why he is hitting and touching people at school. Is it because he can't play the games as well, or is it he just isn't getting his own way? He may need some extra catching practice or squareball pointers, etc. If it's because he's not getting his own way, you're going to have to make him understand that other people have a right to do what they want, and he is not in control. Is he in control around your house? Do you always give in? 'Okay, Johnny, I will stop making dinner and play dinosaurs with you?' (something like that?) I have noticed that we are trying hard to spend 'quality time' with the little ones, but we are actually teaching them that the world stops when they speak. There has to be an equal balance in what he wants and what the rest of the world wants.

I hope you get some help from all these lovely girls posting, sweetie. I know we all need all the help we can get!

God bless, honey

Jody - posted on 09/23/2010

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I haven't read all of the replies here, so forgive me if I am just repeating what someone else has said. Is there a possibility that he is being bullied at school? I did read Sheila Milbrath's response, though, and thought that she had some very helpful insights. Maybe he has ADHD or some sort of social anxiety. I think taking him to a psychologist- or having him talk to the school counselor, even- will definitely help:) You definitely want some answers and once you get them, I'll bet things will greatly improve. Good luck and God Bless. I will remember you in my thoughts and prayers today.

Heather - posted on 09/23/2010

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Hi,

I have an 8 year old son who started acting this way when he was in kindergarten, I tried to convience myself it was because his father was deployed and it was the first deployment he had ever been through. I had just had our 2nd son, but he was so gentle towards him and you could tell he really loved him. There was no sibling rivalry or anything like that. I was afraid he would be jealous of the baby and there was nothing like that. He started acting out in school, hitting and kicking...he stopped doing his school work he would fall out of his chair just to get attention. I finally got to the point where I was afraid if I did not do something it would get out of control. I took him to see a therapist and he was diagnosed with ADHD. He would get frustrated because he did not understand the work that was being taught so then he would act out. I would have him see a therapist and see what they say. I have always been against medicating a child but honestly if it helps them to control their actions better and makes life less frustrating for them then sometimes that is the only option you have. I hope this helped and I hope you find some peace soon.

Tamara - posted on 09/22/2010

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If he is school age he is old enough for you to talk to him about his anger. Help him with healthy ways to deal with his anger. Let him know that everyone gets angry and give him some ways to deal with it. We started sending our son to his room and told him that when he isn't so angry he could come join us again. If you let him know that he has a choice when he get's angry to lash out at people and get in trouble or he can give himself some cool down time until his mind get's back to normal and then he can deal with the problem that made him angry by talking to someone. It is all about him learning to let the anger bubble and then let it go without hurting himself or others. Teach him to give himself a time out. The going to his room helped my son so now when he gets angry at someone he goes to his room on his own and then comes back and talks about it with us. I'm glad that the tantrums have stopped and so is he.

Therese - posted on 09/22/2010

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DE'JA VUE!! This was like reading the story of our son Tyler (now 14yrs) he was the same towards his younger sister when she reached the same milestones etc. ablsolutely loved his little sister, just as he does his other younger siblings but sometimes her innocent actions were an 'unnexpected interruption' that he didn't seem to know how to deal with in that moment.

He was suspended from school shortly after he started. It turned out he was reacting to other kids either excluding him or getting cheeky to him with lashing out (kids are cruel) He just didn't know how else to 'get his power back' in that moment, so he would hit out at them, giving one girl a fat lip.

Also very intelligent his 'flash temper' became a real problem.

A pyschologist diagnosed him with innattentive type ADHD, (basically without the hyperactivity, but lack of concentration & impulsive tendancies are a major factor) We thought this wierd, as he could sit still watching TV, or playing video games. But apparently the screen takes over & does the work for the brain.

We have used every tool & strategy possible...Counselling, Diet change, time-out, fish oil, sports, no 'screen time', Screaming into or punching pillows, Walking away, Martial arts, running around the yard when feeling mad etc etc...to no avail.

It's been tough & confusing for him & the whole family.

We avoided meds until this year as we know he's impulsive & easily led & we'd rather he had something controlled than look for the excitement in negative social situations.

He's now doing great in all areas of life & his siblings actually like being around him.

But Anyway...I'm not going to tell you what you should do, except remember you are a good mum (or you wouldn't be on here) & to take advice with a 'grain of salt' because EVERYONE has the 'quick fix reason & solution'.

Good luck

Therese

Sonia - posted on 09/22/2010

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If the violence is worst at the beggining and end of school year, it might be anxiety due to changes. I would definetly have him be seen by a psychologist

Amanda - posted on 09/22/2010

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Well tell him this, if he does not know how to act in school he will not be able to go and enjoy being at school and learning. Introduce him to writing his feelings down or even drawing how he feels. Tell the teachers if he gets angry tell him to go to a table alone and draw how he feels. Maybe have him talk to the kid he is mad at with the teacher there and have them talk about it. There must be a reason why he is getting angry. Maybe the kids say mean things? I don't know but just keep an eye out when he is home of what frustrates him, and when you see him start to get angry, take him aside and ask him what's making him angry. If he doesn't want to talk send him to his room with paper and ask him to draw how he is feeling (this helps get his temper down and keeps him sidetracked). After he is done ask if he would like to share why he is angry. Wait on taking him to a psychologist because I feel you are wasting money. The moms on here should be your psychologists :). Let me know if any of these help.

Shirley - posted on 09/22/2010

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Hi!!

I had the same problem with my son. I totally feel your pain. After two years of this nightmare, we decided to take him to a Doctor, and a therapist. It turns out, all the dyes that are in the food (cereal, poptarts, etc.) cause this kind of behavior in children. Mostly boys. My best advice is for you to stop the dyes right now, take him to his pediatrician and talk to her about it. She should have a handout to give you on the restrictive diet. You would not believe the change in my son. My angry little man is now the sweetest and brighest in his class. I couldn't believe it!!!! I hope this helps!

Shawn - posted on 09/22/2010

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Hi Venessa.. I am a parent and MFamily therapist intern and would like to encourage you to 1. beware of labels until you figure this out. 2. Take him to physician (1st) and call a conference with teacher and principal and demand an assessment for your child. Don't let people who are negatively jumping to conclusions influence your love and hope for him. 3. Find a child therapist who is reccomended by someone or some schools have therapist interns available so he can start working on behavior and talk with someone in addition to mom and dad (not instead). Once you get more information about what triggers his behavior then you can move forward on how to help him. Also..PLEASE do not use words like violent with him as children have a tendency to act according to the labels that they are being described as. Show him and tell him how much you love him EVEN when he is having such a hard time at school. This may indeed not be the right school setting for him but get the assessment 1st before making any decisions or changes. Best wishes!!

Sharlene - posted on 09/22/2010

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I would look at "what is he saying the other children are like at school good boys go to school these days to be bullied and its sometimes not only the other children. " first i would sit him down are really listing to what he has to say about the school he is at? I have the same problem with the school when it comes to my 5 year old and the teacher making him clean someones poo's of the toilet seat . it took to weeks for me to get him to open up and let me know why he was angry and hitting out. The Dep principle had words with me over the fact my son how is 5 was holding girls hands . Schools have some very sick ways of dealing with things these days..

Dionne - posted on 09/22/2010

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My son used to have anger/frustrastion issues when he was younger and I told then and still do remind him now sometimes to count from 1 and keep going while taking deep breathes until he felt calm. I also bought a Christian book that delt with anger. It basically let kids know that it's ok to have that emotion but it's not okay to act out their angry feelings. It gave suggestions on how to handle their emotions like counting, breathing, telling the person they're angry with why they are angry with them and how they mad them feel in a calm voice, going somewhere where they can possible scream (into a pillow) or cry and not disturb the other kids, hitting pillows or things like that. If those things don't work, then you might get some advice from his pediatrician - they may be able to refer him to someone if it gets really bad. Good luck and I'll keep your son and your family in my prayers.

Tanya - posted on 09/21/2010

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maybe a vitamin defincency or chemical imbalance you should have these checked out good luck and god bless.

Kristin - posted on 09/21/2010

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I agree you need to either rule out or find out about ADHD/ADD. ADHD tends to come hand in hand with something else. For my daughter is ODD, oppositional defiant disorder. Which can be really fun some days :D. Does he remember what he does once he's lost his temper? For my girl when she has what I call an ODD meltdown, she really can't remember what happened. Nothing like seeing a kids face turn to heartbreak when she finds out she kicked and punched her mother. For us, it's about prevention. Once she's gone, there is little to no reasoning with her. ODD takes the form of defying authority, aggression, there is other stuff too but right now they claim all kids with ODD turn out to be criminals(The way I feel after reading a lot about it). After understanding it a bit better, I realized a lot of people I have known were ODD. And they are NOT all criminals. This usually does not come on it's own though unless in case of neglect, drinking when pregnant, abuse.
When I found out my girl was ADHD, it made the first 5 years of her life make sense for me. She is a challenge but she is also very bright, and talented. She loves dance, find an activity he loves, that is active. Soccer, Dance, Football, something physically demanding. My friends son with ADHD excels at Football, plus it has an healthy outlet for agression.

Suzanne - posted on 09/21/2010

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I agree completely with the lady that suggested possible ADHD. My son has Autism and ADHD, and when overstimulated or anxious he has a tendency to act out in this way. I would get him checked out...if he does end up with a diagnosis...schools become much more understanding of problem behaviors and can help a lot with them rather than blaming you or the child.

Stacey - posted on 09/21/2010

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Hello. My son is now 13 and sounds alot like your guy. He was diagnosed with ADHD and took meds for a while which really helped. Also, he saw a therapist for a while who talked to him about acceptable behaviour and boundaries etc. He has alot of anxieties and has been also diagnosed with mild depression. There must be some underlying issues that you should get diagnosed by a child psychologist. It could make all of your lives alot better in the future. Good luck and keep us posted.

Heather - posted on 09/18/2010

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Okay i have a 6 yr old he just recently turned 6 a few weeks ago. I have gone through the same things for about 4yrs with him as well. He has voilent out bursts for no reason whether its at home or at school. He does alot of hitting, kicking, punching and being mean to his 17mos old little brother as well as other adults and children his own age. We have taken him to a psychologist as well as consulaing. I think it would truly be good for you to take your child to see a psychologist , it wouldnt hurt anything. There can be alot of things causing this every child is different. But i would recommend it as another parent that goes through it everyday! I have also learned trying teaching him to punch his pillow when hes upset or mad works and it seems to do okay right now. My son has alot of things underlining his agression and outbursts but the first place I suggest anyone to start is at a psychologist. Its harder to explain in writing sometimes but i truly hope this helps and if u should ever need anymore information or depending on where u live a good doctor reference I would love to help you and your family in any way i can! Please email me on here or at my yahoo hdjr1123@yahoo.com
Hope things work out for the best! Best Wishes and Good Luck!

Lisa - posted on 09/18/2010

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I would take hm to see a doctor, maybe there is mentally something wrong. I dont mean that to sound rude, but sometimes people do need to be evulated. OR maybe something happened at school/daycare? Bullies or a teacher hitting him?

Carol - posted on 09/17/2010

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I agree with Shelia. Sounds like he's not being challenged enough. When I taught pre-school, the kids who were the greatest challenges behavior wise were usually the smartest kids.

Jeri - posted on 09/17/2010

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My son (who is now 11) used to have some major violent episodes/aggression issues when he was younger...we did not spank (tried it once and he thought it was okay to hit us in return!). A couple of things we learned in hindsight (I hope it helps you)... he is an Extremely intelligent kid who has a good heart/soul...definitely not a bully...we didn't know that he was as intelligent as he was or we might have done things differently early on (he didn't even talk much until he was 3)...he had a lot of mis-directed energy that, once channeled into learning caused us to have fewer epidsodes. Also...being highly intelligent, he also had some sensoral/over stimulation and social issues (strong in one area, weaker in others as the saying goes)...he would kick and scream going to preschool...be fine there and then melt down when I picked him up. We realized that he actually was exhibiting a huge amount of self control at school but couldn't hold onto that self control once he was in familiar surroundings so he would melt down. Bottom line is...try to re-direct your son's energy into something more productive...have is IQ tested...be aware and try to accomodate sensoral or stimulization issues at school. The good news is that it DOES get better with age as one side of the brain catches up with the other and he develops more self control. Until then...hang in there!!

Lisa - posted on 09/17/2010

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Did you say that there is no violence in your home and that you have also tried spanking him? That is a contradiction. I am not trying to judge, just trying to feed back your own words. Consider the media he is watching... boys are more prone to aggression and he may be acting out what he sees in the Disney movies. Despite being Disney, many movies are violent...In all Dogs go to Heaven, the dogs fight, have guns, etc. When kids don't have the ability to use words, they use fists. Boys dont develop the same verbal skills as girls, therefore their tendency is to resort to physical ways of communicating. Help him find a way to use his words. Ask about what he was "feeling" before he uses his fists at school. Find out about the feeling, then hone in on that the feeling is ok... the behavior is not. Then work on giving him appropriate behavioral options. In our family, it works like this: I can see you are feeling angry. Anger is a feeling and it is ok that you feel angry. I might feel angry too, if I experienced....(fill in the blank). But what I am seeing is you hitting. Hitting hurts and it isnt acceptable behavior. If you are feeling angry, you may want to hit a pillow, stomp your foot, or use your words to tell so and so what made you feel so angry." Let me assure you that teaching this takes a lot of time and repetition. And patience. Hang in there. Easy kids need to hear the same thing repeated 200 times before they internalize the message. Difficult kids may take 1400 times of hearing the same message. Take a deep breath, and model the behavior you want to see:) Good luck.

Stephanie - posted on 09/16/2010

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I had a very close friend that had the same problem when her sone went to school. He was hitting kids in line, pulling on them, yelling. He got in trouble everyday during the first couple weeks of school. After talking to him and digging a little deeper they learned he was doing it because he wanted to play. He thought school was a temporary thing and didn't realize he'd beable to see his friends everyday. He wanted to get every second of play time that he could and did what he could to get their attention. After explaining that he'd be there every day. He never had a problem again.
I know this might not be the exact problem but it's hard to get a direct answer from a 5 yr. old but I'd just keep trying to talk to him and about how he feels.

Venessa - posted on 09/16/2010

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thank you all for the kind words and great advice, we have pretty much got the school behavior under control, it took one loooong talk and a reward system of 30 minute video game time everyday he's good to get it under control..we are still however experiencing some trouble on the bus, but those kids are really really bad on the bus and I know that 90% of the time he is defending himself. we are still going to have him meet with a conseler at school to figure out where this angr is coming from adn to tackle the fits he has. He has been tested before for add and adhd because he was in ppcd for speech for two years before he started kindergarten and they all said he was perfectly normal. I am also going to talk with the school about his teacher and the classroom because his teacher told me on the phone that out of all her students he is the only one that already knows everything! Last year when he was acting mean and violent at school his teachers told me he was probably acting out because he already knew all the material and was probably just bored, and so I'm starting to wonder if for 2 school yrs now he is the smartest why hasn't he been moved? Again..thank you all!! And wish us luck, we are starting to see a turn around!

Christie - posted on 09/16/2010

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Well maybe hes bored in class...my daughter was and she used to lay under the table in the library because she didn't want people to cheat off her work...she needed honor classes she's a gifted student...so maybe him actting out is from boredom as well he may just be lacking attention and any negative attention is attention for him...although its negative....and maybe someone in his class is taunting him..kids these days are mean...they will do what they can too keep a good kid in trouble or pestering them to get into trouble...I do not believe he needs a Doctor....I think hes a overall great kid and you and dad are great parents and @school someones bothering him and he can't express his feelings in words so he acts his frustrations out....love him encourage him hold him let him know your there for him...things will change I'm praying for you right now....

Durenda - posted on 09/16/2010

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need to teach him calming things like inhale count and exhale. He may feel overwhelmed.. Is he the smallest, he may have develep. this as a defense just because there is no touching doesn't mean that someone is not touching him. You need to talk to him and maybe seek therapy. I think most people ould use therapy it really does help

Ruthy - posted on 09/16/2010

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Get him assessed by a psychologist and speech and language therapist (I am one). These services are free in the public school and could be enormously helpful to you, getting you a possible diagnosis, services for him Maybe he needs an aide, a behaviorit to address his inappopriate behaviors if they're related to a disability. He may have ADD, or other problems that could determined through tests. Do you have a consistent, consisteny is key, discipline system at home? My now 6 year old has and continues to have violet and rude behavior, only at home, never at school, and we do not tolerate it, have time outs, lately outside. But there may some be some underlying medical/mental condition causing him to act out. Consult your local psychologist at your local public school and hopefully you can get an assesment. They do a great, detailed workup. Good luck!

Kelly - posted on 09/15/2010

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we had the same problem with our 5 year old. we took him to a psychiatrist and after behavior modification did not work, we tried medication in the form of mood stabilizers. it actually got so bad in our household that we had to send him to a children's psychiatric ward. he was sent home once they found a good combination of medications. we still have issues with fits, but he is no longer violent and life is so much better now.

Julie - posted on 09/15/2010

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Ok hun don't panic children who exibit behaviour problems are often very intelligent the behaviour comes from feeling frustrated because they do not have the communication skills to be able to tell you or their peers what they want or mean this builds up till it blows into an almighty tant. 1. ask at school forhim to be checked for
hyperactivity/ADHD /+ dyslexia once these have been ruled out then what your left with is as I said communication skills and frustration will be the problem encourage him by having a sit down time of about 10 15 minutes when he can tell you all about his day and what he as been doing and what he enjoyed and also what he did or did not understand. He as also had to contend with the arrival of a sybling this is never an easy time for any first born child as they have to go from being your soul attention to having to share that attention. Why don't you make it fun and make a scrap book of his day to day achievements etc that he can look and see how much he as achieved I used to end each page with what had been achieved what he would like to achieve what he thinks will be the hardest to achieve this will help him as he looks back and see's that he thought would be hard he achieved which will help build his confidence.

I'm a Grandma now I had 2 daughters with ADHD they are both mothers themselves now I have 1 Grandson who is doing the same as your child they have just diagnosed him as ADHD. My other Gradson is doing well even though he as just moved he got A & B in his first School report he is 9.

Regards Amethyst aka Julie Evans

Idella - posted on 09/14/2010

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get ur son some help. i am saying this from experience. have him evaluated my a specialist. my son has the same problem. sometimes we go months with nothing and we think everything is fine. then bam!!! he does something to his younger sister. i have finally had to tell him enough is enough. if he even attempts to hurt her i will put him away. that was after he threw a butter knife at her and it hit her in the leg.. what i fear is how would i of reacted if it wasn't. i think i would of hurt my son. so far he has not hit her since but he still calls her names, but that is lessening as i find more nastier tasting soap. he sees a specialist it just isn't working as well since he hit purberty. we know why he acts out, but i will not allow him to my other children. i will put him away first. protect ur daughter. good luck

[deleted account]

I would suggest sending him to a pshycologist and maybe take him to a doctor to see about chemical imbalances or deficiencies in the blood. I hope this helps in some way.

good luck and god bless

Kristy - posted on 09/13/2010

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i think he is doing this because he is trying to get attention it might be negitive attention but its still attention .I'm not sayin your not giving it to him but he wants all of your attention and when he does it at school he wants the teachers attention you should take him to counselin they do help alot

Andie - posted on 09/13/2010

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DONT GIVE UP! Experience has shown me alot of times it's a waiting game! who can out last whom! check out who he is hanging around with at school, he might be learning this behavior from fellow classmates. Do you spank him or does your husband? I have noticed with my own children that this does make a difference! Andie

[deleted account]

I think there is some good advice here and I would just like to say that with my son, when he was 3, we had a problem with food. I was at my wits end, I spoke to our Pediatrician who referred us to a child psychologist. He worked with us and with my son, and the bulk of the problem was resolved in a couple of months and we, the parents, had the knowledge we needed to deal with the incidents that still sometimes come up.

What I want to say is that I found the psychologist's help great. I was too close to the problem to see the solution. Talking to a professional can help find the solutions.

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