Need help with my 7 year old son

Ellen - posted on 04/23/2010

Hi Kristy! I feel your pain and I know what you are going thru. I have a 15 year old son who does the same thing to me when I tell him to do his chores. But he is old enough to know better. My suggestion is try asking him how his day was at school? Let him have some quiet time after school and have a snack.until it is time for dinner and then ask him nicely if he would mind helping you fix dinner and tell him that you will help him with his homework after dinner as a trade off for him helping you. I feel that he might be bullied at school for some reason or another and he just feels agigitated by the time he gets hom from school. So try talking to his teacher and see if there is something she could do or recommend if this what I suggested you try doesn't help.Thanks for letting me know what is going on. Apparently he is angry at some one else before he gets home from school and takes it out on you. Keep me posted what he does. Ask him to read my letter and maybe he will understand.

Barbara - posted on 04/23/2010

I have a listening box. I put all the thigs they ask for in tis box. Such as special treats, toys a smal trips like to the park. When listen to what you say for on week. They can pull a piece of paper with a favor on it then we listen to what they picked. If they do not make a full week, we put in a extra job into the box if the followig week they listen they can pull from the box. If they get a job we put in they have to listen. It has worked for all six kids

Edie - posted on 04/23/2010

There is a great website www.empoweringparents.com. It is from the creator of the "Total Transformation Program" (James Lehman). I have referred to this site many times myself as my fiance works 14 hour shifts and I am always with child. He works from 5p-7a, so being a stay @ home mom myself, I can totally relate to what your saying. We have a 2yo and a 9yo and life can get pretty stressful and hectic for me @ times! My 9 year old gets home from school and has the same kind of attitude, ESPECIALLY when friends are over to visit. It drives me absolutely bonkers and I start thinking, "man I NEVER would have dared to pull this stuff with MY parents!! There are tons of articles on that website that cover SO many different topics, so I will warn you, you may start reading titles and get sucked in for a while! Lol. That's what always happens to me! I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck figuring out what works best for your son! If you come up with a good solution email me @ ediendan@roadrunner.com! Lol

Rennie - posted on 04/22/2010

WOW! There are lots of great Mom's out there!!! Good advice ladies. It seems to be a census that consistency is the key. Our son had a few years of utter chaos. It was so frustrating and it broke our hearts. I researched and read several books........ while I do believe he has ADD/ADHD we never had him formally diagnosed. I also found that changing the way we approached situations is KEY. Yelling......not such a great idea. Try to take a few breaths and count internally to at least 10 (more if needed) when your son or daughter start testing you. Try to WHISPER when you feel like yelling. They have to stop and listen since you are whispering and it makes them calm down too. Also.... ALWAYS get to their level when you whisper or talk (quietly). Make eye contact and do not sound like a dictator. They are people too they may be little but they are people and trying to transition into a "new" family situation can be very intimidating. Your husband and you need to be on the SAME PAGE at all times. When it comes to discilpline in the home always share the same views as your spouse.



Checking into his behaviors at school is great advice. Is this a new school? He may be having a situation with a bully or kids teasing him.........talk to him. Hug him and make him feel loved. Once you have tried to change the way you both deal with him and his sister and if you do not see any changes in a month or so then I believe you may want to see a child counsler. There has to be some anger issues from the divorce and lifestyle changes. Try to put yourselves in their shoes. BIG CHANGES for all of you.



I also agree with setting aside special time for each of your children. Let them choose the day they would like to hang with just you. Chores are very important too- have you ever tried to ask what chores they would prefer to do if they could choose from your "list"? Let them know they can change after 2 weeks if they choose. Allow some down time from the demanding day of school. Make a snack and sit and "chat" with him/them. Find out what the best part of his/her day was. Make small talk and one day you will see them open up. That will be your turning point. Don't stress too much all things take time. Children are a blessing. One very big piece of advice let them know you think of them as your own and that you love having them as your family. When he yells just walk away. DO NOT allow him to get to you. Once he figures out it does not phase you he will let it go. If the daughter is instigating let her know in front of him that that will not work with you and ask her to stop. Best of luck.

Rennie - posted on 04/22/2010

WOW! There are lots of great Mom's out there!!! Good advice ladies. It seems to be a census that consistency is the key. Our son had a few years of utter chaos. It was so frustrating and it broke our hearts. I researched and read several books........ while I do believe he has ADD/ADHD we never had him formally diagnosed. I also found that changing the way we approached situations is KEY. Yelling......not such a great idea. Try to take a few breaths and count internally to at least 10 (more if needed) when your son or daughter start testing you. Try to WHISPER when you feel like yelling. They have to stop and listen since you are whispering and it makes them calm down too. Also.... ALWAYS get to their level when you whisper or talk (quietly). Make eye contact and do not sound like a dictator. They are people too they may be little but they are people and trying to transition into a "new" family situation can be very intimidating. Your husband and you need to be on the SAME PAGE at all times. When it comes to discilpline in the home always share the same views as your spouse.



Checking into his behaviors at school is great advice. Is this a new school? He may be having a situation with a bully or kids teasing him.........talk to him. Hug him and make him feel loved. Once you have tried to change the way you both deal with him and his sister and if you do not see any changes in a month or so then I believe you may want to see a child counsler. There has to be some anger issues from the divorce and lifestyle changes. Try to put yourselves in their shoes. BIG CHANGES for all of you.



I also agree with setting aside special time for each of your children. Let them choose the day they would like to hang with just you. Chores are very important too- have you ever tried to ask what chores they would prefer to do if they could choose from your "list"? Let them know they can change after 2 weeks if they choose. Allow some down time from the demanding day of school. Make a snack and sit and "chat" with him/them. Find out what the best part of his/her day was. Make small talk and one day you will see them open up. That will be your turning point. Don't stress too much all things take time. Children are a blessing. One very big piece of advice let them know you think of them as your own and that you love having them as your family. When he yells just walk away. DO NOT allow him to get to you. Once he figures out it does not phase you he will let it go. If the daughter is instigating let her know in front of him that that will not work with you and ask her to stop. Best of luck.

Sheena - posted on 04/22/2010

What worked with my nine year old was every time he reacted negatively when he was told to do something I would give him an extra chore and every time he would say something else he would get another one until he finally realized that if he didn't go do what he was told then he would be working all day long. After awhile he learned to just go do what he was told. I also don't allow him to watch his T.V. or play his Wii on school nights (Mon-Sun.) so that when the weekend comes he has something to look forward to. This also works to help them focus on doing other things during the week instead of just playing games or watching TV. It also helps to ignore him when he reacts negatively. He is most likely craving for attention and so he is acting out to get any kind of attention he can. Only respond to positive behaviors. If he gets asked to go make his bed and he starts to throw a fit just calmly tell him that on top of making his bed now he has to sweep the kitchen floor for example and every time he starts to complain give him another chore. When he does good things make a big deal of it no matter how small the good deed is. Try to have his Dad spend more time with him too. Playing catch or whatever, I know it is hard with him working nights but every little bit will help. Remember the most important thing is to not react to his negative behaviors. Whenever you get upset then he sees that as getting attention. if you ignore him when he acts negatively, and then give him praise when he acts positively the behaviors will change. But YOU HAVE TO BE CONSISTENT!!!! It has to be all the time every time no matter where you are. This worked for me you might give it a try because I went through the exact same thing with my son nothing seemed to work until I tried this and it has made a big difference. Having his dad spend time with him will help too. He is just looking for some attention. So only give it to him when he is good. It is very important that your son knows that his Dad is on board with what you are doing, and it is even more important that he knows that his Dad still loves him and that you love him too. A lot of it depends on the situation with his real mother, whether or not he has a relationship with her and how good of a relationship it is. He probably feels like he doesn't know where he fits anymore and that is a big cause of his behavior. I think that having his Dad spend more alone time with him will make a HUGE difference and have him talk to him about you and explain to him what your role is in a calm conversation. Spending time together will also be an important part of the transition. just realize that it is probably hard for him to accept you because little kids don't understand adult problems, but having his Dad play a bigger role will make a difference. I hope that this helps you some and don't give up!!

Pamela - posted on 04/22/2010

My ex- husband and I have been divorced since my oldest was 2( he is now 10). I am now remarried and have been for nearly four years now..The anger they feel about the split hasn't went away yet, he still gets mad and trys to make it as hard for me and my husband as he can.We have taken him to a child phycoligist. It didn't help much, but that may be a start. He may also be missing his dad, since he works 2nd shift, or it could be he's trying to make you leave so that his dad and his mom will getback together. Have you tried setting down with him and trying to get him to talk? Thisworks the best with my son.

Jennifer - posted on 04/22/2010

My son is the same way and he's 9. Instead of getting better with age he acts like he's getting younger. One punishment I have been doing with my son is walking the stairs. If you have stairs, start at 20 times and every time he does something that day increase it. A psychiatrist told me to try it, it makes him have to come down, wears him out after so many times, and he has to think about what he did. I also make him tell me why I made him walk after he is done. One other thing if he's throwing a fit, crying when he's walking, make him start over in the count. My son will get to 18 and then have to start over because of his attitude. Right now he walks a minimum of 70 times. I hope this works for you.

Lindsay - posted on 04/22/2010

I have a 6 year old step son who we have similar struggles with. I know with him part of the problem is shear exhaustion from school. Make sure after-school and evening time is structured to allow free time and snacks. My son is encouraged to grab a snack as soon as he gets home (he gets VERY grumpy when hungry), and to have 30 minutes of free time before anything else. As for chores - we schedule chore time ahead of time, and get his input as to when he would like to do it. I say: "tomorrow after school you need to clean your room - would you like to clean it before dinner or after?" By giving him choices he feels like he has some control over the issue, and if he complains (or tries to throw a fit) later I can remind him that HE chose when he would do the chore.

Corrinne - posted on 04/22/2010

He may be tired from school which is causing the tantrums cuz he's too tired to describe his feelings. My 6 year old does the same. We threaten to throw things away if they are laying out when they should be picked up(we don't really throw them, just put them in garbage bags n hide them for a while). As toys start depleating, its no fun. Wii gets taken away for a week as well as tv. When the attitude is better, more priviledges come back. We sit him down n talk to him, make sure nothing is going on in school setting him off(cuz that's happened before) n he feels better after the talk. I'm a stay home mom, too n hubby works night. We have a 4 year old n a baby on the way. Saturday he got tv n Wii taken away for bad attitude/behavior. The last 2 days he's been really helpful n good mannered, etc. so he has gotten them back today. Let's say in an hour he changes his tune n is bad again, then he loses them again. He knows the consequences n doesn't want to risk it after just getting them back. Hang in there.

Melanie - posted on 04/22/2010

sounds like hard work for you all... i've used star charts for my 6 and 8 year old boys and they seem to have had a positive outcome.. get your son to think of something that he'd really enjoy... nothing big.. a trip to the movies, a special dessert for example. when he does the chore you ask him to do, he gets a star. when he has say 10 stars, he gets the reward... its very important that you don't take stars away... once he has earned tham , he should keep them. hopefully this would give you something positive to focus on and give your son a goal to aim for. good luck!

Jeanne - posted on 04/22/2010

we have a chart system. My daughter is 7, and she was outta contol so i started this. She gets a sticker for each day she is good, but gets them taken away for that day if she is unruley again. I will even take the previous ones away if she keeps misbehaving. Each sticker is worth a dollar. on payday she adds them up and gets the money for what she wants. Every single time she misbehaves, i put her in timeout and she sits there the rest of the day...we allow books for quiet reading and she does homework while she's sitting there. If she screams i don't care she still sits there, if she won't sit and just throws a baby fit i give her a few taps on her butt, and sit her back down. This only lasts for the first few days, after that they just sit cause they know your serious. Explain to him that he will do 7 year old things when he acts like one, and explain exactly what is expected of him and remind him often so that he can't say he forgot or did'nt know. This works...my daughter was out of control and she is under control now, and its not so hard to deal with her anymore. Make sure he knows your serious, and don't give in...if you tell him something make sure and go thru with it. Happy to help you with this problem!!! :]

Barb - posted on 04/22/2010

I have a friend that was going through the same thing... She implemented a token system for her kids... On a bulletin board she put a dailey calendar for each child.. they earned tokens for doing their homework, chores, and good behavior ect... such as using their manners. Each good deed earned a token and they were able to turn their tokens in for special things whether it was a treat or going to a movie or spending the night at a friends, She has had a wonderful experience with this. But they never took ant tokens away for bad behavior... They just told the child that they were not going to earn the token by behaving that way.

Renetta - posted on 04/22/2010

I was going thru something similiar to you. My son is 7 and was not listening either or he would but he would thru fits and tantrums. I went to the library and checked out some cds that were "Love & Logic" Energy Drain! I listened to them and thought it would never work but to my surprise it did!!! It took commitment on my end to stick with it but I promise you, when used correctly it works!!! Energy Drain thru Love & Logic. The school library might even have the cds. Check it out!!! You will not regret it!

Andria - posted on 04/22/2010

I suggest you attend a Parent Project training near you or get some books on dealing with a strong willed child. Its different from other children. Its not easy but can be done. You can't control him, nevertheless, there are house rules. You can control his things and his environment. Make sure punishment is really punishment by taking away the things that keep him from having to face the consequences. Fill in with positive feedback for good things and make sure to say I love you even when you don't feel like it.

Jennifer - posted on 04/22/2010

My 7 year old does the same things, he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. He is very defiant. I would check it out, Sometimes it gets so bad that they start hitting or trying to hurt themselves.

Karen - posted on 04/22/2010

Hi, I wasn't sure whether you were UK or US based, but there is an organisation in the UK called parentline plus which offers fabulous support to parents for children with behaviour issues. I had issues with my son when he was 5. I realised that most of the time, I wasn't being consistent with the consequences, and also, I wasn';t always very calm, so consequently, nor was he.

My son's school also offers positive parenting seminars, which give strategies for coping, so it may be worth asking whether your son's school is likely to do anything in the near future.

http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk/

CHERYL - posted on 04/22/2010

does he get an allowance? my son does his room and take out the trash and for his allowance we give him a dollar a week. this seems to work. then we till him we will take him to the store so that he can spend it. if that don't work. spank his butt. he knows you won't do it.

Heather - posted on 04/22/2010

I read this and thought this can be lots of things - as all kids have different personalities and are capable of different things

It sounds like your son could be extremely tired and overstressed.
Sometimes having a family timetable on the fridge from wake up time to bed time with rest time, school time, homework/reading time, getting ready dressed/washed time, chore time etc noted makes you realise how much kids do in a day. Kids need down-time after school, especially if they have homework commitment as well. Sometimes what one child of a certain age is capable of is not what another child can do.

Sometimes just having a routine timetable can help some children because they know what is coming or expected. Chore time is from 4.45-5.00pm Mon, Wed and Fri. 15 minutes might not seem that long to an adult but to a child it is an eternity.

I realized that sometimes I asked my kids to something, when they were busy doing something else. Sometimes giving them notice to finish what they are doing (even if it is watching TV) makes a big difference. John in 5 minutes, please turn the tv off and clean your room and then after 5 minutes saying it is now time to clean your room makes all the difference. No one likes having demands to do something straight way thrown at them.

There is also the approach of telling or asking. Some kids dig their heels in about being told. I find asking in a polite manner - "John please go and clean your room now" gets a better response than "John clean your room now".

I certainly agree with choosing your battles carefully and what children are capable of.

You said they only have chores 3 times a week, but are you choosing realistic times to do these. Although asking kids to fold washing and putting it away might seem like a small task to you to a 7 year old who is tired after being at school all day it might seem too much.

Maybe making up a chore chart or schedule with the child and listing all the items you ask the kids to do and the times that they do it, may actually make you realize how much you are asking the kids to do and the time it takes them to do it. Make the bed, put dirty washing in clothes basket, place dishes in the sink etc all are chores kids do without us even thinking about it.

Hope this helps

Monica - posted on 04/21/2010

This may sound crazy, but when my kids would behave like that I would try and have a sense of humor about it and say things like someone really needs some hugs, or time for the biggest slobbery kiss ever. lighten up the situation, when you are frustrated and out of control and other adults try to control you it just makes it worse. Now I know it is a child but sometimes a complete reversal of your behavior towards their behavior works. Pick and choose battles carefully make life fun.

Alicia - posted on 04/21/2010

hey, have u tried talking with him about whats going on at school? he might just be going thru a phase or something could be triggering him when he gets out of school. did ur son ever take naps before he started going to school?

Wendi - posted on 04/21/2010

my 7yr old going on 8 this september a little like that must b the stage r what, hes nice when he wants something but the minute u want them to do anything the story different,sometime i do a sticker chart at the end of the week if he done his chores he can get something depending on how he did them plus his attitude towards doing them etc

Sarah - posted on 04/21/2010

All the people replying here need to see first that this is a situation with a step mom who has been trying to come in and change things with the step son and daughter for just 2 months. So much good advice on here but it pertains to parents who have a more typical long-term or lifelong relationship with a child. If you ask me very little of that applies with this situation. There's a lot more going on for this kid than just his step-mom trying to make him do chores. I responded yesterday and this post got to me, maybe because I'm pregnant and emotional, lol! But without the whole story... I don't know. Kristy you need to find a social worker who deals with family counseling and kids of this elementary school age to help you and talk to them (and you) individually. Get on the right track now.

Natasha - posted on 04/20/2010

Dear Kristi,

Hon, you are not alone! However, there is hope. I have worked with children for 15 years and have two of my own. I have seen parents go through the worst kinds of battles with their children, and my advice is always the same. Be firm, be short with words and BE CONSISTENT! One of the best books I have been blessed to read was, "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Kevin Lehman (A very easy read). If you follow it and stay strong, remembering this phrase, "I am not his friend, I am his parent" (Now repeat it with me, "I am not his friend, I am his parent!"), you will be on your way to a new child. It will take time, as bad habits do not form overnight, and he will be flopping like a fish out of water (that's when you know you are on the right track), but a miracle can happen. There will be fits, lost priviledges, lost items from his room (I had one friend and a family member who literally removed everything but the bed from their child's room, then had them slowly earn it back from the small to the large pieces, but IT WORKED! It was not easy, but they stood firm). Strong willed children can be so trying, and it is easier to give in sometimes than face the battle after an exhausting day at work or a tear-stained face melts your heart, but if you don't take charge of the situation now, it can and will get worse. As an officer, my husband knows this all to well. He weekly deals with the ones who got away, and it is heartbreaking. I guess that is why the years before 8 are called "The formative Years". Parenting, much to the chagrin of us all is not a Kodak commercial, it can be very HARD at times, but when you set boundaries and let your child know that they are safe in the care of a confident adult in charge, your sweet little man will soon find his way back to the precious cherib you know him to be. Just remember, it isn't supposed to feel good ALL of the time. It is a child's job to test us and the world around them. It is our job to guide, correct and lead the way. You can do it! And when he finally makes those good choices without having to be reminded or asked more than once, you just lift him up with praise, a big squishy hug and a great big "Aren't you sooooo proud of yourself?!! I sure am!!!" He will light up like a glowstick on Independence day, and you will know you have done right by him. Many blessings to you and your husband. You are in my prayers!

Moneeka - posted on 04/20/2010

To the lady who said to spank!

Moneeka - posted on 04/20/2010

NOOOOOOO! That's wrong on so many levels! That child did not ask for his situation. Its not his fault he has the problems that make him that away. Go to a shrink. It wil keep u out of PRISON!

Moneeka - posted on 04/20/2010

These are all good ideas but the key with a child his age is consistency. What ever you do keep it up for a while. The great thing about kids is that we mold and shape the teen or adult they will become. He will come around. Be patient and consistent with the discipline. Discipline does not mean punishment. It is a teaching and training tool.

Latreasa - posted on 04/20/2010

Wow Kristy!!! Your story sounds so familiar. i have an 8 year old boy who projects the same behavior. I am a stay at home mom as well and I go to school and sometimes it can be hard getting the children on board to help out with the chores. My son will do it, but with attitude. If I threaten to take away the Wii, that is when he seems to straighten up. But I am still working on getting him to comply without the "tude". You just have to stand your ground, because he is counting on his unwarranted behavior to get you off of his back, but stand your ground using a firm voice to let him know you mean business. Even if you have to stand over him doing it, which is what I have to do with my son at times. The best to you Kristy!!!

Jackie - posted on 04/20/2010

Has something happend lately to upset him? Like at school, like bullying. It could also be the food he is eating, some food make kids react differently, like preservatives etc. You could keep a food diary. My son has his little spats, i have to just leave him and walk away and when he has calmed down then i can talk to him properly. I think something is bothering him and that is why he is playing out. maybe it is because your husband is a shift worker. Sorry i wasn't much help, hope this helped a bit though. Good luck with him.
Jackie

Laura - posted on 04/20/2010

a 7 year old doesnt need a door on his room privacy is a privilige ,so are the video games,snacks, TV time. Reducing everything to the bare necessities helps at my house. I have brought home boxes and put everything packed up in my garage except for bed and clothes and books. When we went a week they earned something back as a reward.

Melissa - posted on 04/20/2010

Hi Kristy,

I feel for you and don't give up. Being a mom is the hardest job ever! To give you some relief I wanted to write you and tell you that you are not alone. My 7 year old son is the same way and gets in trouble in school as well because of his behavior. I have taken everything from him as well and everything else you can think of to get him to behave. I am going to try a reward system because I was told by the principal at his school that sometimes kids do better with a positive reward system rather than a negative one. So my son has to start bringing me home two smiley faces from his teacher and bus driver then has to continue behaving for me and then he will get a star on a piece of paper then on Friday giving him some kind of reward. Might be getting to play video games for an hour. Just depends on the child and what reward will work. I wish you luck!

Tania - posted on 04/20/2010

I might be talking out of my ass right now but maybe since he is 7 and the sister 9 try talking to them like you would with an adult(almost)...what I'm trying to get at is a lot of communication,get him talking(which by the sound of things might be a challenge in and of itself) and express yourself.Try to get them talking about how they feel about their Mom and Grandparents. There is healing to do, at least for the sister and in my judgement 2 months is not long enough. I do resort to the Super Nanny, her communication methods are sound as well as good advice. Best of luck!!!

Sharalyn - posted on 04/20/2010

Ok--try this book--it *really* has changed our family interactions for the positive: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

You acknowledge their feelings and talk things through. Help them help you. It really works!

Sarah - posted on 04/20/2010

Dude I'm all for spanking but not by a step mom with 2 months under her belt on a 7 and 9 yr old. Absolutely not.

Elizabeth - posted on 04/20/2010

Have you tried spanking him? I know it sounds harsh. But a few good swats will serve as a reminder to him. It will break your heart, but it will serve it's purpose to avoid negative behaviors in the future. He will learn "Negative consequinces for negative actions. Positive rewards for positive actions." Remember to reward good behaviors!!!

Lori - posted on 04/20/2010

Take a look at Bonnie Harris's Connective Parenting website. She has also written several books that have helped me parent in a way that gets through to my boys (7 year old twins). You can find Bonnie Harris on facebook. Good luck... it is so demanding and draining. My favorite words in the whole world are "Okay mommy" and I do actually hear them at times now!

Becky - posted on 04/20/2010

I am having the same problem with my 11 and 6 yr olds but i have found if you just try to stay calm ,dont yell and scream I try to make a game of it . I use the reward system if they do what they are supposed to do they can earn rewards for example movie night their choice popcorn and special drinks it usually takes awhile but hang in there hope it works.

Sarah - posted on 04/20/2010

Wow just realized you've been re-vamping things for just 2 months... I'd say slow down and use lots of compassion, this is another big adjustment for them. Slow down. My 7 year old is expected to clean up his messes--huge messes I help and give guidance (first put all the hotwheel track in that box...now we put all the hotwheel cars in the car case) but he must be working too, he's expected to help me such as clear the table while I do dishes, take out the trash when asked etc. We are a team and we have a good relationship. But I don't push "regular chores." I know for my son, when he comes home from school he needs to do homework and go run off some steam . I would never tell him to go clean his room, fold some laundry, etc, after school, I have to admit I think thats asking too much. I would expect a 7 year old to flip out at that.

Sarah - posted on 04/20/2010

I have to respectfully disagree with any emotional manipulation (acting upset on purpose, or makinh him ffeel guilty with emplanations of your hard boring work being a mom.) You want him to be direct and emotionally honest? You need to model that.

My son is 7 and we went through a time where he was really difficult like this when he was about 6. It was ugly. "Oppositional" they call it. We did get a little help. I learned a lot...! Strategies that I can pass on to you: FIRST spend time alone with him (aim for daily!) doing something of his choice (a puzzle, reading, drawing, having a catch) make this time a set amount of time (10 minutes or so--set a timer) without interruption. If you can spend another 5 minutes and he wants you to-fine, but thats up to you when your timer dings. During this time make no demands on him either in the form of questions that demand a response or requests. Use positive reinforcement only in the form of statements. (I like the red tower you're building. You throw the ball really well. Good catch. Etc.) Ignore the bad as much as possible unless the behavior is so bad you simply must say "special time is over now, we'll try again tomorrow." SECOND try to have a "date" with him just you and him, and likewise your husband and him as often as you can, maybe every 2 weeks, go eat water ice together or something. THIRD Charts and positive reinforcement are great--completion of chores could earn something at the end of that night. Maybe a movie with popcorn. Reward should be pretty immediate. LAST the book 1-2-3 Magic has worked "magic" for us. A therapist gave it to me. They start their tantrum, you say "thats one," they continue "that's two" they don't stop "thats three" and the result is immediate. For my kids they go to their room for 5 or ten minutes, etc. No yelling, no discussion, no smacking, no whining, no excuses--they hate it. Just one. two. three. Evil behavior gets "thats 3, get in your room for ten" additional mouthing off "take another 5 for the rotten mouth." Especially my 7 yr old hates it--who is the negotiator-whiner-you're so mean i hate you-but but but...-maniuplator, lol!!!

Express your love and approval every day no matgter what little thing you need to find... Consequenses need to be matter of fact not done in anger, that is your worst enemy.

Good luck!! :o)

Yahaira - posted on 04/20/2010

well good morning! well sweet heart. To be honest u need to find out y this child is so upset with u or ur husband. It could be that he miss his father or even his mother. Ask the child does he miss his father or even his mother. that could b the case. Another thing that it could b is that if the child goes to c his mother maybe she lets him do what ever he wants. N at ur house he knows he has chores to do. So like most children they will throw a fit to TRY to get out of them.
I remember when my oldest daughter moved back home with me, I try the time out, taking things from her and a lot more things. but believe it or not I had to spank her butt a few times. In order for her to get it throw her lil head that at Mommys we have rules and we have chores. Thanks god shes been home for 2.5 years now and I must say I dont have problem with her now. Sweet heart I understand that he is not ur real son that u gave birth to but hey if ur raising this child as ur own I REALLY think that u should spank his butt if hes not listening to u or ur husband. I know a lot of ppl reading this might think its mean or what have u. but try it. It just might work.

Jennifer - posted on 04/19/2010

"Hold on to Your kids" talks about how kids now days don't have a primary attachment to their parents, instead it's their peers. This means that what their peers think matters more than what their parents think. He basically says you have to build a strong attachment before you can really have any weight with them.

Jamie - posted on 04/19/2010

Ive tried all of that with my 6 yr old as well to no prevail. my son refuses to pick up anything i ask him to and when i send him to clean his room he has spent as much as three straight days in there after he comes home and never moved a thing. I even told him once if he didn't listen i was going to get rid of his toys, he went as far as to throw them all in the trash for me even. I am at a loss as much as you on this. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone on this issue. if I ever figure out what works ill let you know.Now I also have the talking back and being a smart ass syndrome going on which seems to be reflecting on his three yr old sister, who also wont clean up anything now. I have learned that if I offer to help him a little he tends to do more without complaining. I just always make sure not to do too much of it for him.

Kim - posted on 04/19/2010

Sounds frustrating, I can relate just not daily with the same kid. I didn't read all the suggestions, I've heard of people removing the door to the child's room if it is slammed. Having a 9 year old I know all too well you cannot force them to clean their room or any other chore, my daughter is very stubborn and when worse comes to worse I set the timer for 10 mins and say, ok listen 10 minutes just see what you can get done in 10 minutes, work as fast as you can and if you happen to finish you get a small incentive if not then that least you got 10 mins. of cleaning, usually she is asking how much time is left and tries really hard to finish up or asks to add a couple mins., I'll even bargain and say I'll help pick up books or something, depends on how independant you are requiring him to be. Good luck. I've also had my 7 and 9 year old 'race' to see who could finish first, I know that these strategies are not exactly getting them to be independant but more trickery, sometimes ya gotta do what gets the job done.

Vanitha - posted on 04/19/2010

Hi Kristy,
We've had this issue too. I've got two boys aged 10 and 8. Our youngest was the most difficult to hadle. After having tried all possible avenues, I gave up. Then I came across this book on Parenting, it's called

Parenting A Child with a Behavior Problem by Penny Hutchins Paquette and Cheryl Gerson Tuttle.

The authors are mothers too. The book has all the issue's of kids we face everyday.We have found out how to handle the boys and they are gradully settling down. Do read this book. And hope you'll find a solution. Happy reading and all the best.

Vanitha

Cassie - posted on 04/19/2010

Im a stay at home mom and my husband is always gone until 10 at night working. my daughter is 7, and she hates listening to her step dad when he is home, but it has gotten better once she had something to look forward to. we all had sat down and set up a dicipline chart, for what would happen if she doesnt do her chores, bad behavior, etc. She was able to help decide those diciplines. Then we set up a reward system the same way, and what she would need to do to then earn those rewards. Then in order to ear the rewards we started a point system, example... bad behavior -1, good behavior +1. then we posted them where she coud see it everyday, and she is in charge of removing a point or adding them. It helps her feel like she is in control of the rewards given, and why she may or may not receive them.

Another thing we did was set up "daddy time" on the weekends. all it is, is a couple hours every sat or sunday that she gets daddy all to herself and she gets to choose something fun to do, like games, reading, park, etc.

All kiddos are different but this has really helped us out with our daughter. :)

Heidi - posted on 04/19/2010

I agree with Regina, if he is getting bullied then you might want to ask him if there is someone at school who is bullying him. But dont ask him in that way, he might rebel. Spark up a conversation with him about lunch time or recess in school, and go from there. Maybe you could talk to him about someone who picks on you or someone you dont like because of what they do. Then he might just go out and tell you with no thought that you are trying get him to say something.

Regina - posted on 04/19/2010

is there any chance he might be gettin bullied at school sometimes when they act up after school it cud mean there something wrong in school and his takin out his frustration on ye

Rosie - posted on 04/19/2010

I had the same problem with my daughter. the problem was, like you, eventually i would give up and she seen there was no followupSO now, i have 2 ways of dealing with her. When i tell her to do something, she cannot do anything but go to the bathroom until she finishes. i stand my ground and now she knows, i mean business. She also knows that if her chores are not done, the has no weekend. no activities, no tv, nothing. She makes the choice to do it or not. and when she choses no, i reiterate to her that by not doing this, she stays in her room al weekend without any electronics at all. No tv, ipod, video games, nothing at all. It has been working great. SHe still trys to fight me but now she knows the consequences. you just have to stand your ground.

Anthea - posted on 04/19/2010

I would focus on positive things. To him all he is hearing is negative things. He does his chores or something bad happens. Change your thinking to, do your chores and you can earn this. If he does all his chores for the whole week then you will take him out for ice cream, or you will give him a dollar. Anything positive. Then you can up the challenge. Do your chores with out me having to tell you to do it and I will give you two dollars. Kids respond to positive reinforcement way better then negative reinforcement. Also getting him involved with the choices would help. Set him down and say we would like you to start doing some chores around the house. Help me decide what your chores are going to be. If he says he wants to take out the trash in the bathroom, say ok you can do that but you also have to take care of the trash in the kitchen as well. If he says he wants to dust his room one day say ok, lets have you dust your room and the TV stand on this day. Then make a chart that you can cover with some kind of plastic, like the sticky laminating sheets and have him check them off the list when he is done. Then you can erase it and start over each week. I do that with my son and it works pretty good. You have to stick with it though. Sometimes I forget to check and then he starts to take advantage of it, you have to stay on them and keep them in a routine.

Denise - posted on 04/19/2010

You son may still have emotions he doesn't understand related to the divorce, especially since he was so young when it happened. If you are unable to sit with him in a positive way and ask him what he is feeling, even after the outbursts, then you may need to look into some couselling for him.

Have quiet time with him where he can ask you questions and you can ask him questions. Make sure you tell him the whole truth without negative reprocussions. After an outburst: When he calms down. Ask him calmly if you can or if he would like to talk to you about how he is feeling. Let him know that when he behaves like that how it makes you feel, without getting angry at him for. You may be surprised and the out bursts have nothing to do with what is being asked of him.

If you are using an award system it needs to be immediate! You can't say, if you do this this many times a week this will happen....at least not for him is seems. Try making it a now thing. EXAMPLE: When you complete your task you will recieve a sticker. When you recieve your 3 stickers for the week you will get 30mins XBOX time!

Feel free to inbox my profile if you want anymore suggestions or need some venting.