not talking in school

Brenda - posted on 03/07/2013

My son just turned 7 and answers to teachers at school in one word only, doesn't answer comprehension, when asked he says he is trying to answer but is unable to do so. He rais his hand and answers to teacher in one wordin the class. He has always been quiet among adults, but would answer when needed to do so. all of a sudden has started t stutter for the last 6 months or so, we r doin speech therapy. I am all confused , not able to decide if he has sm or any other phobia. he talks to friends at school in low voice and will play at the play ground, enjoys group activities, goes for gymnastics, does not avoid social interactions. But with some people doesn't maintain eye contact. He does read to the class in a low voice. academically very smart A student. I have been having sleepless nights now,thinking of my kid. He is happy at school, wants to continue in the same school, wants to have play dates with kids, and very talkative with play dates too. can someone please help?

Julia - posted on 09/18/2012

Just wanted to share an update on my son. It was 2 years ago when I first posted. He was struggling with talking and anxiety in Kindergarten. He said hi to his teacher for the first time just before Christmas. Speech has continued, slowly in Kindergarten. We decided it was time for our family to maove back to a smaller town where we knew lots of people. He started first grade by saying hi his first day to his teacher and by the end of the school year he had raised his hand to answer questions outloud in front of the whole class over 150 times. He is now in second grade and walked in the first day like he owned the place. He is still shy at times, but not like it was before. We have had to use alot of incentives and track his behavior very closely, but it was worth every minute. He know can speak and doesn't even realize he's doing it. No more awkward silence when a stranger asks him a question, he orders his own food at resturants and speaks to his sports coaches. I hope this is encouragement to many of you and hope you all have as much success as we have. Its not perfect, but with some hard work we have come a long way. Selective Mutism is real and scary for alot of people. Love and patience is so important.

Angela - posted on 09/18/2012

I'm going through the same thing and as a mother it hurts me and makes me feel like a failure my son is 4 he talks at home he can work a lab top, computer and iPad he knows his letters and numbers and alphabet but he won't in school.





Help me!!! Somebody

Lydia - posted on 10/14/2010

Because he is in a new environment. Why don't you put him back to his old school and observe him. there are kids that cannot adopted the new environment right away. Try to take him back to his old school, The place where all his friends and the people he knows. I hope this will help you. God Bless! Take care.

Shawna - posted on 10/10/2010

Make sure you have a good therapist and the appropriate medication. My cousins daughter has this and has overcome all her symptoms because of the right plan of action. Make sure every adult he is in contact with has the right knowledge of what his IEP is. Good luck!

Julie - posted on 10/10/2010

great news.. patience,time and continued support and remember baby steps.. it's a big world out there for our little ones!!

Danielle - posted on 10/09/2010

I once again would like to say thank You to all that havr wrote sorry if I don't answer all question there's so many LOL but I do love all the feed back he did give his teacher a hug The other day! And Also mouthed good morning so that's a plus but I just wanna say thank-you everyone your comments really do help

Danielle - posted on 10/09/2010

Carey yes he is able to talk he just doesn't talk to certain people mostly adults he is a very smart child just doesn't show it at school I've seen improvement since I found out about this but he still isn't all the way there

Kim - posted on 10/08/2010

I had my son (5) tested for SM a few months ago when he was at kindy because he didn't speak to any of the teachers the whole time he was at kindy (2 years) and he never speaks to adults unless they are immediate family. He was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and extreme shyness. It has been a hard road with him but we are getting there slowly. He started school two months ago and i was so beside myself with worry about how he would go in his class, not been able to talk to the teacher or read out loud in class or not joining in activities. Well I was so shocked when not only does he speak to his teacher (he got a certificate for being a chatterbox) but he joins in activities and does news in front of the teacher and kids every day. His teacher works closely with him and has does an amazing job. He still doesn't talk other adults but i'm amazed how well he is doing at school, he couldn't even join in activities at kindy. When your sons teacher talks to him does she speak to him directly? Riley's teacher would talk to him without looking him in the eye and making him feel part of a group so that it didn't seem like he was being singled out to answer questions. I guess you have checked out all the SM websites? Hope you get some good advice and keep us up to date.

Chondelle - posted on 10/08/2010

maybe the school setting is not as relaxed as the other places you take him..don't rush him. when he is relaxed at home try to find out how he feels about being in a new school try making it into a game but do it subtly...u might be surprised at what u learn

Barbara - posted on 10/08/2010

My son Chris didn't talk at school for a couple of months because he was upset with all the change but just don't fret I know that sounds hard but if he picks up on your anxiety that might make it worse. The teacher is on your side and as long as you encourage him to talk where he is comfortable then he will soon come around to talking in class.

Shannon - posted on 10/08/2010

Hi Danielle

My son has the same thing and he has just turned 7 at the end of september and I have to say the older he gets the better he gets at speaking with people. He doesn't like big groups of people. We have recently moved to a new village and it is a very small community and and he is doing amazing. but before we moved here I had to put him in a special program called the YES program which is the youth experiencing success program and only 6 months in there with 3 techer and 9 other students and the results were amazing if he didn't ask for something loud and clear he didn't get it and he was made to repeat him self and that gave him the push he needed to start talking. now he is doing much better and I find the older he gets the more confidence he get s and the louder his voice seems to get and as long as he feels confortable he'll be ok and start talking more and more. I have found with my boy Adam that if you ask him a direct question either you or another adult could be one he knows or doesn't that he wouldn't answer at all b/c you just put him on the spot now if you are talking to him and having a conversation he will respond much better, so try to tell the school to just make things into conversations it worked for us. hope this helps

Misty - posted on 10/08/2010

The class size may scare him. If the teacher can but him into small groups and make such that his group has at least one our two of the same kids he may start to feel more comfertable and start to open up. I was shy as a kid and one of my teachers did that for me and it help me to open up and make friends.

Christine - posted on 10/08/2010

One of my friends daughter suffered from this. She found a therapist that specialized in SM. It is very misunderstood and many people think it is just shyness but it seems to be more than that. I know her daughter actually had problems speaking to the Dad too. Her daughter was about the same age as yours. The therapist was very helpful - first in letting them know that they weren't alone in this. Also they were given "homework" that needed to be done between each visit. I think she saw the therapist monthly. Her daughter is not a chatterbox by any means now, but she is no longer SM. It will take time, but with help you will get there too. Good Luck.

Joan - posted on 10/07/2010

IEP = Indiviualized Education Plan, my son has social issues when it comes to talking too. I recommend getting familiar with the boys next door and explaning the situation to the mom and setting up lots of play dates, include as many of his friends in the roation as possible and get his IEP straight at school. My son has Asberger's syndrome and will not talk to people unless he knows them or its about science but getting him to play with other kids and ABA therapy has really started to open him up.

Heather - posted on 10/07/2010

Danielle,
You said that he talks to the friends next door. Are they in 1st grade too? If so, are they in his class? If not, what about talking to their parents and the school about doing some sort of activity where they can interact at school. I wish you luck!!

Joan - posted on 10/07/2010

He will when he is comfortable, don't push and get an IEP if necessary.....

Julia - posted on 10/07/2010

My son is 5 and just started kindergarten and has also been diagnosed with selective mutism with anxiety. I am a pediatric occupational therapist who works in school settings. Selective mutism is rare and widely misunderstood. We are having great success with psychologist and speech therapist. I also have had success setting small goals for my son to achieve each day. For instance monday was a high five to his teacher, tuesday he high fived her and signed his name in sign language, Wed he waved at her, Thursday he waved and made H sound, and Friday he waved and said I sound. His big goal was to say Hi and he actually did that today. It was his first time to speak to her. I started off small and non verbal, and progressed to verbalizing but with sounds first and not words, then on to words. It can be very frustrating and heartbreaking to watch your child struggle and have anxiety, but this too shall pass. I would love to get a group of parents with children who have selective mutism together so we could visit about our successes and failures. Send me a message if anyone is interested! Good luck to you and your son Danielle. Also my work has a facebook page that we post lots of therapy info on. My boss is my childs speech therapist and he posts all the time with great info. It is Ozark Therapy Institute.

Becky - posted on 10/07/2010

One suggestion would be to record him at home if he is okay with it, then he can share it with the class. Also continue with therapy this can be a real tool for improvement and a neutral place for kids with anxiety to find ways to problem solve. Also as he gets older his peers will need someone to honestly explain things to them about why he is quiet in school it is not to be mean or rude.

Gina - posted on 10/07/2010

My daughter had the same issue. She was even scared of family members at one point - never made eye contact would turn her whole head down, didn't even want to go to parks. I tried to make anything social "fun" and not something she dreaded. I put her in ballet, soccer, gymnastics, cheer, anything fun I could think of and that seems to have worked wonders. The activities she enjoys help her put her gaurd down, also those environments are fun and the coaches and teachers are more laid back than at school. Once they see that being in a group with a teacher is fun, I think it starts to bleed over. That was our experience anyhow. But before that I lost many nights sleep. Moved her out of several pre-schools because the teachers would completely exclude her and wouldn't work with me at all... You're doing a good thing by communicating with the teacher. Just because he doesn't talk doesn't mean he doesn't feel or hear and unfortunately some of the teachers we dealt with forgot that.. but much much better now. FYI she was diagnosed with SM when she just turned 4, now that she's 6 she'll talk to anyone. I definitely think the small fun settings did the trick. Especially being one hour blocks and once a week, less stressful on them then all day long.

Penny - posted on 10/07/2010

my son has the same and has had it since he was 3 i have been fighting for 4 years with the school to get help but no joy,my son is very intelelgent and starts high school in 2 years so i can sympathise with what you are going through,there must be help out there

Julie - posted on 10/07/2010

as a teacher and mother.. I feel your pain. It is so difficult for them to open up. Maybe ask the teacher to seat your child next to a student who is caring and encouraging and ask the other student to quietly engage with your child as the day unfolds. Pushing and continually asking a child to respond only frightens them and more importantly frustrates them into complete shut down mode. Baby steps.. Have your child pair up with another student at lunch and reccess to find comfort in someone his age. let me know..im interested to see if it helps. Julie

Carey - posted on 10/06/2010

Is he shy as well? Is he able to talk. I am not familiar with select Mut-ism. I know my daughter is very shy and would not talk to any friends last year at school. She would volunteer to answer questions but very quietly. Each day I would ask so who did you speak to today? what did you say? How did she respond? You are such a nice and fun little girl, let your friends get to know you. I would set up play dates on the weekend, because she is better in a familiar situation and one on one. that definitely seemed to help make a connection for her and her friends. Keep dialoging with the teacher and see if you can put a positive reinforcement program in place ,where he gets a sticker each time he speaks. Many children respond so well to positive reinforcement throughout the day. My children love that.

Kathy - posted on 10/06/2010

talk to his teacher and find out if she can see him bonding with any other student then contact that students parent and have him spend time out of school with his friend. It may help him open up a little bit quicker

JoAnn - posted on 10/06/2010

My daughter's preschool teacher tried to convince me that my daughter had selective mutism. I brought the issue up with her doctor and she told me it is extremely rare and that some kids are just shy. She is now 12, still a bit shy, but talks to everyone and is very outgoing with her peers and some adults. My advice is to not push. Especially with things like forcing him to hug or kiss family and friends if he resists. I found that the adults that treated her as if she was talking to them are the people she would finally talk to. Also humor worked very well.

It was difficult to watch other kids ask her why she didn't talk and what was wrong with her. It was even harder to have family members chastise her for not talking. Thankfully since preschool she had very understanding teachers. The best thing you can do is keep introducing him to new people and activities. If he truly has selective mutism then you definitely need to seek professional help.

Hope - posted on 10/06/2010

wow my son is six an he is the same way he talks everywhere but not in school

Julie - posted on 10/06/2010

It's not all it's cracked up to be. My friend has the same problem as you. Her little girl doesn't talk much at school either.

Danielle - posted on 10/06/2010

I told his teacher I can't wait for the day to be called into class because he is talking to much lol

Julie - posted on 10/06/2010

I have the exact opposite problem. My son talks too much in school, to the point that the teacher moved him to his own table. It's too bad they don't go to the same school. Maybe have him seated next to one of extremely outgoing kids, someone who can make him more comfortable and bring him out of his shell.

Danielle - posted on 10/06/2010

Well I am trying anything I can think of so today I asked him for a favor and told him that I would like to set a goal for him today and that goal was to say good morning to his teacher I wrote her a note to let her know about it and I am waiting to see how that turned out. I am going to "set a goal" everyday for him to accomplish while at school and see how that goes. Tomorrow I have a over the phone conf. W a few people from the school to adopt his IEP from his old school to his new one. Well once again I would like to thank everyone for sharing your thoughts, and helping me with this. It can get hard at times but I am sure one day my son and I will be able to get through it...when I'm not sure and I know it is going to take time but that is time I am going to wait for no matter how long. My son is my world and I can't wait for the rest of the world to see his shining personality the way I do.

Liz - posted on 10/06/2010

When I was little ever since I started Kindergarten I never talked in school to teachers or classmates. I was beyond shy. I talked up a storm at home with my family but it took years and years for me to open up with others and even have just a few friends. Back then they did nothing to help me except that in 1st grade they thought I didn't talk because I didn't understand so they ended up putting me in a ESL class which only made things worse. I always did my work and was an AB student but I just didn't talk to anyone. I think I had anxiety and thought that I would look dumb if I said the wrong thing and felt like the focus would be on me and I was very self-concious about that. My parents had no clue on what to do to get me to open up and not be so shy. You sound like you are really trying to help your son and I'm sure he will be fine.

Paula - posted on 10/06/2010

My daughter who's a 1st grader won't talk to her teacher but does talk some to her friends. Encourage but don't push because it could turn into a power play.

Jennifer - posted on 10/05/2010

Danielle, my son just started kindergarten this year. He was diagnosed with selective mutism. He does not speak to adults. He is just now speaking to a few of his class mates. His pediatrician has referred him to do "play therapy" with a counselor and school is getting very involved. He is going to see the speech specialist at the school and we will go from there. I am doing a lot of research since I have never experienced anything like this. I have 2 other children ages 17 &10 and they are not shy at all. From what I understand, the earlier the intervention, the better off he will be. It is comforting to know I am not alone in this. My heart just breaks for my son because he is so smart and I see him shut down around others. I hope this helps. If you need anything, let me know.

Patty - posted on 10/05/2010

at first, we always excused her not talking as being shy; but it became apparent that it went much deeper than that and they knew that if they didn't get a handle on what was going on before she got any older, it could affect her whole life.

Melissa - posted on 10/05/2010

on top of many other issues...some children are just shy. it's good to keep taking him to events where there are other children his age where he gets the opportunity to interact. perhaps a martial arts class for children where he can feel good about himself and interact with other children.

Patty - posted on 10/05/2010

my granddaughter has had select mutism as well. for the first 9 years of her life, she never spoke one word to me, her other grandparents, her aunts/uncles, cousins or friends. the only ones she spoke to were her parents. it got to the point where sometimes she'd use signing to "converse" with us or a simple nodding or shaking of her head to signify yes or no answers. what i found difficult to swallow about the situation is that her teachers/school didn't approach the problem with any answers and more or less swept the issue under the rug...but, after some prodding by my daughter they finally turned on the light and addressed the situation with her. they finally suggested her seeing a counselor and they have had amazing results with that and being put on a low dose of an anti-anxiety medication. i know the red flags that will probably go up for you about being on a medication, but i'm sure without them, she would not be talking to us today. she is a completely changed child. my daughter also coupled the medication with enrolling her in a karate class which my granddaughter showed a real interest in. the combination of both the medication and the karate class has worked a miracle for her. the karate class gave her the self confidence she lacked because it was still a "group" participation like in school but the instructor encouraged her and drew her out of the anxiety she felt. i'm not saying this is what you should persue for your child; i'm only giving you a suggestion to what worked for our family. i wish you good luck and i hope you find the help you need for your child. i know first hand how frustrating and really frightening it is to see a child be so inside themselves.

Natalie - posted on 10/05/2010

The IEP can ask for the teachers assistant that one of the other mom's spoke of. Each year you will have to renew the IEP. Watch the bottom where it says what type of diploma they get when they graduate. Sometimes the wrong box gets marked and they end up with a certificate that won't do them any good vs. a diploma. Another mom warned me and sure enough my son's was marked. You can read that IEP and pick most everything you think he needs..don't let them tell you different. It's confusing. I have a aunt who helps families fix their IEP'S for a living. Also, always keep the copy and look them over. If a school feels your son may not need something or doesn't want to pay for it it can be changed without your permission..and then they send it home and you sign it. Those things are GREAT, but lot's of work.
My youngest son was the same as yours. He turned 10 in June and finally said "See ya later" to his Dr. that he has had since he was born. lol. The poor Dr. almost fell out in the floor. I had him in t-ball, soccer, now bowling. He does what he want when he wants. If I push him to talk it causes anxiety. My son spoke more the older he was. Your paying attention and doing all you can. It's stressful watching your baby suffer. Pat yourself on the back.

Carol - posted on 10/05/2010

Have you gone to this website: selectivemutismcenter.org yet? There is a doctor who specializes in SM here. She posts helpful information. She also presents several seminars throughout the year. I learned a lot by going to one of her seminars and would highly recommend it. Our greatest help actually came from the doctor herself though. She worked with my daughter and came up with solutions together. It gave my daughter back the control that she had so lost. For example, together they would come up with questions to ask the teacher each morning (outside the classroom and away from the kids). It was a simple game, but helped build communication between the two. I am glad that your son's teacher is so willing to help. That is great. I would taker her up on her offer and try to tackle as much as you can this year. It gets harder as they get older.

Danielle - posted on 10/04/2010

Carol thankyou and your right many people do not know nor do they understand what SM is I'm keeping hope and doing whatever it is I have to try and help him with this. Spoke to his teacher the other day and she is more than willing to do whatever she has to to make him comfortable. She has also told me that he participated in an activity and also spoke one time to her. It was only once but 1 is better than none

Heather - posted on 10/04/2010

I would suggest asking the school about seeing a speech therapist or psychologist. Do you have these services available through your school? If not you may want to look privately. Both professions would have some training regarding selective mutism.

Map - posted on 10/03/2010

Beautiful suggestions I have read. My son has dyspraxia (not known) and he talks now to kids but he still gets upset and developing anxiety. He has his speech device which helps a lot with his speech. We just moved and had many recent changes as well so he was quiet at first and now opening up. I went to school with him and volunteer in the classroom when I can or talk to his peers before and after school.So he sees I am making an effort to support him and let his peers and teachers know he is shy but mommy was too! He is in IEP as well and continues this year as I had to fight limb to limb for but for children why not? I wish you lick and the other moms on here as well with this school year!

Carol - posted on 10/02/2010

Most people don't understand this condition because it's not well known. I would suggest several things. Have your son meet with the teacher before or after school one on one. Play a simple game or bring in something from home that your son would love to show the teacher (favorite book, teddy bear etc). Second, do lots of play dates with peers. Invite only one child over at a child. It's very difficult for children with SM to speak up in large groups because it raises their anxiety. There are seminars about SM if you look for them on-line. The good news is that if you catch SM early, most kids overcome it. My daughter is now in 2nd grade and is having the best school start yet....speaking to everyone, raising her hand, etc. It's been a lot of work these past 3 years, but well worth it. Good luck!

Jeannette - posted on 10/02/2010

speech therapists and psychologists provide 1 on 1 communication and social interaction sessions as well as group therapies they work a treat!

Allison - posted on 09/30/2010

You should do a new IEP each year since he'd have a different teacher and have matured. So, start there.

Then just talk to him & make sure he's ok and happy. Give him time to adjust. Depending on his issues he could just be a bit shy. Saying thank you to a clerk you aren't going to see again is good, but different from kids you have to see day in & day out. He might be concerned that if they don't like him then he'll have to keep seeing them anyway.

Danielle - posted on 09/29/2010

Candy: awww thankyou so much I am trying to do the best I can by him. I am a single mother so that means a lot to me. Lol he loves telling me what to do to I wish he would do it at school lol

Lori - posted on 09/29/2010

Did te IEP you had for him at the other school improve anything?

Candy - posted on 09/29/2010

Sounds like you are doing everything fine. Some kids it takes a while.My daughter want ask the teacher for help because she feels the teacher is to busy with the other kids. My daughter dosnt want to be a bother. Go figure she has NO problem telling me what she needs.lol They have to get use to this big new world. You are doing great. You really are a good mom.

Danielle - posted on 09/28/2010

Ursula: your questions are more than welcome how do we know if we don't ask questions. Yeas he can talk but chooses not to when around certain people or people he doesn't know that's where the 'selective' in selective mutism comes from. And IEP ...well I forget what the I stands for but E is educational P is program. He does inter act w other children and it is mostly adults that he doesn't talk to. He talks up a storm while at home.

UPDATE: his IEP was not transfered to his new school so I have an over the phone conference this week between the speech teacher at the new school and the one from his old school

Ursula - posted on 09/27/2010

Tell me, cant your child talk or dont he want to talk and What is IEP? does he interact with friends at school or at home? please forgive me for al the questions..Im just trying to understand why he is nt talking.

Michelle - posted on 09/26/2010

I used to teach a little girl like this it took her almost 3 years in my ballet class before she started talking to me, before that she had a buddy in the class that she used to talk to me through if he is starting to open up then it will come with time and patience keep encouraging him and maybe talk to the school about getting him an aide if one is available.