parents died.. 15 yr old sister has no wear to go i want to take her but husband says NO!!

Michelle - posted on 04/01/2013

I would tell your husband that you are helping your sister and if he can't have respect for you , then heck with it. .you are doing it anyways.

Jenine - posted on 03/31/2013

The State? Are you kidding me? Assuming there is not some deep dark evil secret about your sister like maybe she is a thief, psychopath or liar, I would have to say for a "husband" not to take in your sister means something is not quite right with him. He certainly does not respect himself as a man or have high regard for good character and unconditional love. Bring in your daughter immediately and why would you even wait after your mom's death. But do prepare for divorce. It will probably come. I am curious to know what your wedding vows were exactly and what his idea of "for better or worse is". A good husband would at least give it a try.

I know a new baby is tough. A teenager is even tougher to take-- sometimes the very worst. It seems that the only fear he has is the added responsibility and that he wants you to pay closer attention to his fears rather than your sister's. I mean imagine if you guys had twins or triplets? Much of his concern stems from not having a role model to teach him how to be the father he now wants to be and an uncle as well. Raising a new baby or a teenage girl is an alien concept for men but to let fear dictate is a bad trait. He is no doubt concerned the time it will take from you and him. These are legitimate fears but to avoid it does not allow you to put your marriage through the tests life throws our way. This is why we have wedding vows because even after this situation resolves there are so many other things that can and will cause you two to have less time together, some of it will be his fault and not yours and he needs to be mindful of that. What is he going to do then? Life happens. We must love daily. Fear and love cannot occupy the same space. Fear is a lie. You cant keep your life in a fixed mold out of fear or you will never grow and develop into stronger individuals, He is stunting his own growth by refusing this challenge. He is behaving like a coward and ought to be ashamed for running to his mother. This was a childish thing to do. He needs to grow up. He needs to stop predicting the future. He see's nothing positive in this situation for himself and fails to recognize the opportunity that has presented itself for him to be a good role model for your sister for you to be a good role model for your sister and for your sister to learn about caring for a child through her baby cousin that one day will be her age. It is all a learning opportunity about unconditional love and sacrifice yet he is choosing the cowards way out and justifies it with his mother as being the wiser counsel in all this. Don't allow it for yourself or you will regret it later on in life if something goes wrong as a result of your not stepping up to the plate. His mother should be proud of you and also be looking at this as an opportunity for her to teach her son about what marriage vows really mean and what being a MAN is, being a HUSBAND is and what being a FATHER as well as an Uncle and a HERO is. If you don't step on fear's head you are in for a lot of heartache down the road.. Good luck.

Sincerely

Lauren - posted on 03/17/2013

I am now in the same situation. My mother recently passed away and I have a 14 year old sister who is now living with me and my husband. Our father currenty has cancer so it wouldn't have been wise to send my sister to live with him when she doesn't know him as we'll as me and my brothers. It took me 2months to get her to leave the town she has grown up in and change school and friends and anything that was familure too her. I feel more sorry for her and I grieve for her not having her mum and now having her big sister looking after her. I am only 26 and I just got married 1 month before my mum died, so when they say the 1 year is the Hardest there not kidding. It has taken my husband about 4 months to realise we now have a child/ teenager in our house that we are responsible for. He isn't happy about it but he is trying to support me the best he can. It wasn't ever our plan that would happen in our marriage but I am still taking 1 day at a time as it is not easy living with a temperamental teenager. The amount of doors that get slammed! Drives me crazy. I have not got any adult figure to turn to as my husbands parents who live next door don't speak to me anymore, I'm yet to receive a happy new year from them and my father spends most his time abroad seeing his foreign wife. I would love to have someone who has been in the same difficult situation?

Barbara - posted on 11/08/2012

Sorry to hear such a loss. Hopefully your husband has changed his mind and running to his mother for advice --- shame on her. Your sister needs you and hopefully she will be united with you. Lots of love and luck to you.

Patricia - posted on 11/05/2012

I WOULD TELL HIM IM SORRY ,BUT THIS IS MY SISTER AND SHES GOING TO STAY ,END OF THE DISCUSSION. DONG THE RIGHT THING DOSENT ALWAYS MAKE OTHERS HAPPY, ...

Luthien - posted on 10/31/2012

She is your sister. Your blood. Part of you. You can not abandon her when she needs you and you need her too. For me it simply would not be a choice. He would have to live with it. Family is family.

Covalin - posted on 10/26/2012

Take your sister in you have as much rights as he does. You dont want her out there living on the streets or getting pregnant. Does your husband have a daughter? I dont know why he would want a teenager to be without their family.

Elizabethe - posted on 10/25/2012

I hope this was resolved but this is what I would have said at the time.....She is family and he is being very unfair to you for even saying you have to choose. Shame on him. Tell him that when he married you he married your family he has a choice its your way or the highway.

Anne - posted on 10/24/2012

Way to go Pauline. I agree 1,000,000%

Anne - posted on 10/24/2012

You should divorce your husband. How dare he! She is your blood. She is ONLY 15 and needs you, HER SISTER, during this tough time. Your husband is pathetic, I am sorry to say that to you but looking on the outside in, his behavior is absolutely horrific! So unGODLY! WWJD???

Chi - posted on 10/21/2012

Helloh Tiffany sorry for your loss. I see this is an old post so hopefully by now it's all been resolved. My sisters was 24 when our mum died and she moved in with us.. That's the proper thing to do and I hope your husband changes his mind.. You are going thru I hard time and u need the support of ur siblings with whom u share a common loss.

Cass - posted on 10/16/2012

Reason with him. I understand that he didn't ask for this situation, but I also see that if he had an ounce of compassion he would put his self-interest aside and help out. To be very honest, if your husband loves you then he wouldn't make you chose like that - ESPECIALLY in such a vulnerable time for you and your sister. Maybe this is just the shock phase, and he will warm up to the idea? I hope!!! At least for a couple of years until shes at the age of independence. I'm sorry to hear about your situation by the way, I really hope things work out for the best.

Des - posted on 10/13/2012

Family is so important. I'm sincerely sorry for your terrible loss. What would your parents be hoping for you to do? (I don't know about you, but I believe our loved ones watch over us after they leave the physical plane.) If your husband threatens to leave at the first storm, what does that say about the type of long-term relationship you might have?

I have a favorite quote that I often look to when I feel torn about a decision I have to make, maybe it will help you as well:

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

- Mahatma Gandhi

Greta - posted on 10/09/2012

So how long have you been married? Is this normal for him to run home to mommy first and discuss any problems with her first, before discussing it with you? Does he not like your sister, what did he give for reasons as to why he would not consider it?



He sounds kind of selfish to me.

You could use some reverse psychology with him. And tell him you could no sooner pick between your sister and him. Then he could choose between his mother and you.

Kristine - posted on 10/04/2012

@Tiffany Sydenham - what did you end up doing, since you posted this two years ago?

Jessica - posted on 10/03/2012

explain to him that its not an option that your giving him if he is willing to become separated for you taking in family when they need you then there is something wrong with his morals . i could understand if there was a reason such as money or space issues but even then you at least try and help not just flat out say no . family is a bond that cannot be broken .think about if the situation was turned around and your and your husband passed god forbid and your sister was old enough to take in ur child but just flat out said no .hope everything works out and im sorry for your lose

Bonnie - posted on 09/29/2012

First, I am saddened for you and your sister's loss. That is always hard to lose your parents, no matter your age.

Secondly, this is an unexpected issue of your minor sister being orphaned and no place to go.

Thirdly, it is morally right for you to open your home for your sister because you love her, she is alone and has no place to go.

The problem is the fact your husband does have some say because it is his home also.

Now, we are not talking about you asking permission to bring in a new puppy! This is a family member.

You and hubby need to go to a therapist. His mother is entitled to her opinion but that's all it is..Her opinion. You guys have some issues and they often come out in a stressful situation.

You sister also needs to go see a professional because of her loss. Do you have an aunt or grandmother that could help?

Would you husband let his mother live on the street or ask you if it was ok to bring her in for three years? Never let a man threaten you with divorce or desertion. Tell him that is a form of control and abuse and you will not allow it.

Go get professional help and do it now!

Good luck

Kimberly - posted on 09/25/2012

Parent247 calling us all stupid people because we do not do what our husbands say!! Please at this day and age women have there own minds and don't need there husbands to make decisions! It is family you just don't let your family go like that would you want to put your siblings in the care of the state knowing you can provide for them and help nurture them!!! The state is not the place for her to be especially right now how could you even suggest that I mean really come on!!! Respect that is not respect if does not respect her enough to stay and talk about the situation before running to his mommy pleaaassseee!!! Hello sister bye bye husband!!!

Pauline - posted on 09/25/2012

.... to parent 247, YOU ARE WRONG WHY SHOULD ANYONE RESPECT ANYONE THAT DOESNT RESPECT THEM? YOUR OPINIONS ARE WRONG! OBEY AND RESPECT ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS . NO WOMAN SHOULD OBEY ANY MAN , SISTERS LOOK AFTER SISTERS NOT THE STATE, YOU SHOULD NOT COMMENT AND TALK ABSOLUTE RUBBISH.

Kimberly - posted on 09/25/2012

I would sit down and find out the reasons why your husband was so against it in the first place as not to take her and instead of sitting down and talking to first he is running to his mommy!! But I would take her in anyway she is your flesh and blood you both have lost your parents and need each other! You do not want her in the care of the state that is not good for her or any of the kids and if you can provide the care and give the love she needs you just do it !! Please I seen your post was a couple years ago and people are still commenting on it I am new to the Circle of moms would love to know what the outcome was for your family and sister!

Pauline - posted on 09/25/2012

hi. if i was you i would tell your husband that your sister who needs you, your sister bond will always be there when the men are not!!, will be moving in or he can move out , tell him to go and stay at his mums since he needs her to make his decisions if he cares for you he should consider your sisters welfare!

Parent247 - posted on 09/25/2012

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU STUPID PEOPLE? DO WHATEVER YOUR HUSBAND SAYS. The reason he goes to his motehr is because he doesnt respect you. You need to obey and respect him. The state will take care of your sister.

Sandra - posted on 09/24/2012

This is something I could very likely face in the future. I have three younger sisters and a brother that are 11, 9,7, and 5. I am 43. My dad will be over 80 before they are grown and his wife will be 75.



They are not blood related they were all adopted as babies/toddlers. My brother was one day old. I have seen pictures and my dad and step mom tell me about them but I have never seen them in person. We live on opposite sides of the country. That being said there is no one else that could care for them either due to them being elderly or the children having special needs. Not only could I not refuse to take them, I would offer. My father loves these children as much as he loves me. They are a part of him and therefore they are family.



If the time comes no one will be able to keep me from doing what I feel is right in my heart.

Jitka - posted on 09/23/2012

I see this post is 2 years old, so i am just wondering what happened? Did Tiffany manage to do right by her husband and her sister? Teenagers are difficult, all the more so after such a horrific ordeal both the girls have to deal with. But to me, this really shouldn't b up for a discussion? Family is family, the good and the bad.

Veronica - posted on 09/21/2012

First I want to say I am sorry for your loss. Honestly your guy sounds very self fish right now he should try to be more understanding. You just lost your parents he should be letting you do whatever makes you happy. Plus she is your sister and you both need eachother to get through your loss.Tell him its temporary for now and maybe she will grow on him. Have you asked him why he doesn't approve maybe you 2 can comprimse on the issues. Hang in there.

Lisa - posted on 09/17/2012

My sister came to live with my husband & I when she was 15,starting her sophmore year in high school. We did not loose our parents but our Dad just gave up. I received a phone call from my sister one afternoon stating that she needed to live with us. I called my husband and she was living with us the next afternoon.....4 weeks later we were her legal guardians. My husband never thought to say NO he knew that we were what she needed!!!



Good Luck!!! Its HARD WORK!!!

Barbara - posted on 09/17/2012

She's ur sister there shouldnt really b a disagreement over it family is family I say tell ur husband u r sorry but u will not turn ur back on her. Keep her out of the system.

Nicolina - posted on 09/14/2012

Keep the sister... lose the husband.

Elizabeth - posted on 09/14/2012

Your message is from two years ago but it keeps popping up. I'm sorry you lost your parents, I can't even imagine what you and your sister must have felt. Did she end up living with you?

Zara - posted on 09/12/2012

Please tell him to be supportive. he may need your support in the future. Or just do it and take her, simply that you think the best of him and he would have asked you if you had discussed it.



That is known as playing the dumb fox.

Apryll - posted on 09/11/2012

I am so sorry for your loss. I think that married couples should work things out for themselves, not running off to their mother. I would take her in, I know too many kids that were thrown in foster homes around that age and they just lost their way. An ex of mine did that and now he is 24 years old and running over town on drugs and trying to find a place to stay. She needs you.

Shelley-Ann - posted on 09/08/2012

Hi Tiffany: I don't know you or your sister, so please don't take offense with what I'm about to say. Most posts in response here talk about you being there for your sister in this time of need and how wrong and inconsiderate your husband is being. But I want to express a few words of caution here. My first thought is to find out why he objects to her staying with you. Is it for financial reasons? Is it because of her behavior? What exactly is his reasoning? Financial concerns? I had a situation that I could compare to this. While it probably wasn't as serious, I guess you could consider the circumstances.



My husband's neice was living with her father's sister in order to go to school. She was a typical teenager and her aunt tried to be very strict with her. Her aunt had a disagreement with her and there was a lashing, both verbal and physical. The girl's skin had welts on it from the beating. Her mother wasn't in a position to take her in and my husband and I felt sorry for her situation. So, we made room for her at our house. She lived with us for a little over a year. While at our home, she dropped out of school and got a job. This was against our advice, but at least she was trying to be responsible. She got a bank account and we monitored her so that she could save her money. We also found somewhere she could take evening classes to get her secondary school passes.



Things went well until we realized that there was far more going on than we realized.



First, she started sneaking out at night to go parties. Then she began stealing things from us, including money. Her mother would also meet her every month end and "borrow" more than half her earnings because we were paying for everything else and allowing her to save for college. In the end we had to ask her to leave because we had a young daughter and we really weren't ready to handle that kind of behaviour. There was no talking to her.



You said your sister has "no good place to stay". So that means that there are alternatives while you both come to terms with losing both your parents. They may not be ideal, but rushing into having someone else in your house may not be the best and only solution either.



You also say that your husband "ran to his mom". Many of the posts also ridicule this behavior. My thoughts are that if he and his mother have a good relationship and he values his advice, then what is wrong with him discussing it with his mother? Was he seeking a female perspective? Mother's perspective? What's wrong with that?



My point is this, while your husband may not be handling this in the best way possible, he is human too and may be afraid of the possible consequences of your sister living with you. You said you "know it is best" for her to be with you. How do you know? Is it just because she's your sister? Can you be there for your sister without her living with you?



Just an alternate perspective to think about.

Felicia - posted on 09/08/2012

I am no expert in this by any means, so take what I say with a grain of salt... I really think your sister needs you and if your husband truly loves you he will support you in taking care of her. If he does stick with the me or your sister...I would choose my sister. I hope it all works out for you and will be keeping you in my prayers. I'm sorry for your loss

Isabel - posted on 09/06/2012

Discuss the situation with him, tell him that your sister is only 15 and state reasons to care for her, her might just be nervous to take on such a task, reassure him nothing bad will happen, and it doesn't work, I suggest talking to him AND your sister one on one.

Gayla - posted on 09/03/2012

Take your sister in .Hopefully he will come around but,if it were my child I would be so greatful if her sister took her in she needs you.

Tamia - posted on 09/01/2012

Ask your husband where he suggests your sister go. Your sister needs to be with a familiar face and surroundings. For him to suggest that you not take your sister in is absurd because i'm pretty sure if it were is sister he would have moved her in without discussing it with you. Tell your husband that you love him but you love your sister as well and she doesn't have anywhere or anyone to go to and believe it or not just as much as she needs you, you also need her. I am so sorry for your loss my condolences go out to you and your sister ♥

Judy - posted on 08/31/2012

I totally agree with Grace Osum, she is your sister and will always be an she may be helping you one day in the future.......

Billie - posted on 08/30/2012

I would take my sister in an my husband would deal with it or get the hell out i dont see no option here.

HappyMommy - posted on 08/28/2012

Ask your husband if it was his sister wouldn't he take her...and I don't think asking him to take your flesh and blood in is a topic of discussion with him....no offense I truly don't mean to be rude.... Do u have other siblings?

Ruby - posted on 08/22/2012

Wait a minute, he runs to his mom to ask permission about your 15yr old sister. She is your sister & have her live with you. How would he like it if the situation was reversed, his parents died & 15yr old brother no where to go. He's being unfair by running to his mommy & not talking to you. Unfortunately he having you choose & that's not how marriages work. She is your sister, it won't be easy dealing w/your husband, but your parents need you even after death. Take care of your sister & talk to your husband.

Christie - posted on 08/20/2012

I find it selfish that your husband is thinking of himself and not you or your sister. You have gone through a terrible shock and loss. The important things in life are family. If I was your sister, the only place I would want to be was with family or else I would feel abandoned.

Have the strength to say that the right thing to do is to take your sister in. It is not fair in your vulnerability of loss, shock and grief to not be supported.

Marie - posted on 08/20/2012

I took my sister in, against my (then) husband because its blood family and she was a minor. He would have had to either get over it or leave because if I didn't take her in, i wouldn't be me. He did get over it

Jennifer - posted on 08/17/2012

I am so sorry to hear about your parents... and everything else that is going on with your hubby... You should give your hubby a change to explain himself on why he feels the way he does... But at the end of the day Thats Your blood, and she needs you more right now more then ever... sorry but if he wont consider it then that says something about your hubby, and I agree if it was his sister he would take her in without thinking about it. If I were you, I would just simply say "listen so my sister is coming here to stay" and he will deal with it and eventually get over it and realize that she needs you guys. You need to stress how u feel and stand your ground girl. remember she is your BLOOD. and only 16 years old. Your husband needs to take that into considersation, and maybe put himself in this position for a minute or two and think about what he would do.
AND I would be PISSED if he ran to his mother before really talking to you, Your his wife and should come first in any discustion that has to do with yourself and him.
Yes taking in a 16 year old is a lot of responsibility but you do what you have to do to take care of your OWN.
Hope everything works out for you, and I am so sorry again to hear about your loss

Tabitha - posted on 08/17/2012

That is your sister. I can't believe it's even a question. She needs you now more than ever. Basically she just lost her parents and now her sisters is ditching her too? Talk about a whack to your psyche.

Sandy - posted on 08/13/2012

I am so sorry for your loss Tiffany. I am sure it must be very painful and frustratiing to have not only lost your parents but to be dealing with worry about your sister along with additional stress from feeling as though you can not help her because of your husband's hesitation. Although I have not been in a a situation that is identical to yours, I do know what it is like to feel that someone you love is not welcome in your home by a spouse. The sense of feeling like a "wishbone" pulled in both directions can be unbearable on top of all of the other emotions you are dealing with. I think that the best solution right now would be to to set up an appointment with either a licensed social worker or a liscensed psychologist or mediator to help you and your husband to make some much needed decisions regarding how best to help your sister, a clergyman from your church or synagogue would also be willing to assist you in any way they can. I do not know what the reasons are for your husbands unwillingness to extend himself to your sister but giving him the opportunity to talk about his feelings and reasons for them with a councilor or mediator is a good place to start. I know that in this type of situation your first instinct and the right one is to reach out to your sister, especially since she is experiencing the same grief that you are. You are absolutely right in wanting to do whatever you are able to do for her both emotionally and financially so if by some chance your husband is making you feel he is being "put upon" and you are asking too much, please don't allow him to make you feel guilty. As long as you are certain that you have the financial ability and room enough in your home for her then you should have peace of mind about your decision but it is also important that both you AND your husband have the emotional resources you will need as well so the idea is to work out with your husband any concerns he has. She needs you and since all any of us have in this short life are one another, to not reach out to her and offer her your assistance in ways that you are able to would be wrong.Unfortunately, doing this can become more complicated when sharing a home with someone else, (your husband) and it is normal to resent their interference knowing knowing you only want to do what is right for someone else that you love. As difficult as it might be, try to be patient with your husband and do not let this issue come between you any more than it already has because that will only add addition stress to your current situation.I know this is easier said than done but the effort may be well worth it in the long run and that all that matters. I hope you will try to seek out the help of a professional as soon as possible so that you can resolve the issue and make a decision about how best to help your sister while letting your husband know that while you disagree with him, you still care about his feelings and value his input, Try to make him feel as though you expect him to be a part of the solution and not part of the problem. Expect him to offer suggestions and if he has none then the reality of that might "nudge" him into the realization that perhaps there really is nothing else to do other than provide your sister with a place to live. Give him the opportunity to realize this for himself instead of force feeding the issue. Try to get a clear understanding of exactly what his concerns are relating to his current unwillingness to have your sister live in your home. Find a quiet place where there are no distractions when both of you are is in a reasonably good mood, (maybe after dinner?) and have a serious talk addressing each issue he presents as rationale for not wanting your sister to live with you. Let him feel that his opinion matters to you and that you appreciate any solutions to the issues he brings up.If he does end up agreeing with you and welcomes your sister into your home, try and make him feel as though you admire the fact that at least part of the idea of welcoming her was his idea too. This might encourage him to be the best person he can be and you may find that he really likes being a "hero". If for some reason he still refuses to offer suggestions or continues to be adamant about not allowing her to stay with you after your talk then you definitely need to have a councilor involved because your sister must have a place to live. In the meantime I know you will continue to offer her your love and support and reassure her that you are doing everything possible to help her. I am sure that your parents are looking down from heaven and see the love and care that you are offering your sister. Try to feel some peace knowing that you are doing everything you can right now to help her and that in time there will be resolution to the problem. Things have a way of working out in time. God bless you and your sister. Hope this helps.

Donna - posted on 08/08/2012

Seriously? FOSTER HER. How would your husband ever live with himself if something happened to her in foster care, a teenage girl adopted by a complete stranger?

Sharice - posted on 08/01/2012

Honestly if your husband does not care enough for your teenage sister to stay with him and yourself , he is honestly not worth having , your sister will always be there for you but your husband won't always be there , I have been married 3 times and have regretted them all so much , and i will not get married again , i made some foolish mistakes when i was young when i was 13 i lost my virginity you see all of my friends were having sex and having oral sex and i said NO , NO NO NO AND NO , but after a while they said Cory's lying on the bed all sad go in and (Ride Him ) I did , and when i was 15 i ran away from my Dad dying and my aunts,uncles,grandparents etc . would not take me in don't let your sister grow up to regret her teenage life . x

Becci - posted on 07/31/2012

I wasn't sure whether to mention this because it's a different subject to yours but I think it may help , I have a younger brother an sister which I mentioned on my last comment but I also have an older sister who is 6 yrs older than me , at the age of 12 I started being sexually abused by my step dad he had been doing the same to my older sister since she was 14 when he did it to me she was 18 had a boyfriend ect but still lived in the same house as my mum me and my stepdad i told her what our stepdad was doing when I was 14 yrs of age she told me he did the same to her and we must tell our mum , so I told my mum what he had done I couldn't tell her so I wrote it down my sister was with me a I did this , an I thought its ok we are all together , he left and my mum was understandably devistated then my sister left and at 14 that's when I grew up I was left to look after my mum while she went of and enjoyed life I lost most my teenage years helping my mum , I didn't dare go out because I didn't want to leave her to be sad and cry by herself so lost all my friends and my life really, I hate my sister for leaving me to pic up the peices alone and I haven't spoken to her since , I know it's a different subject but thought it may help in your decision , my sister left me to pick up peices that we should of pulled together I was 14 and all alone , I just don't want the same for your little sister she needs you don't leave her in her hour of need

Becci - posted on 07/31/2012

Sorry but at the end of the day he should be more understanding of this situation my partner wouldn't need to even think about this, I have a younger brother and sister if anything were to happen to my parents my main concern would be to help support and provide for my younger sibling , how awful would it be for her not to have your care and support at such a difficult age and time Im sorry but he is being very selfish and I'm sure that if the shoe was on the other foot it would be a different story , your little sister needs u right now do what u think is best x

Mel - posted on 07/29/2012

I am sorry but when he married you, he knew you had a younger sister. These are all the possibilities that can happen when you marry someone. When these things happen, you do the best you can and do what is right.