parents died.. 15 yr old sister has no wear to go i want to take her but husband says NO!!

Tiffany - posted on 03/12/2010 ( 262 moms have responded )

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so basically i am dealing with loseing both my parents and my 15 yr old sister has no good place to stay,,,, i want to take her in and give her a chance at life and my husband says NO WAY! he didnt even consider it... actually he ran to his mom and asked her what to do before we even talked about it. he is basically telling me to chose him or her which is not fair and he feels i am being unfair for asking this of him. i know that it is best for her to be with us. we have an extra room, enough money and i can provide emotional support to her.... what should i do??? has anyone else been in this situation???

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Becci - posted on 07/31/2012

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I wasn't sure whether to mention this because it's a different subject to yours but I think it may help , I have a younger brother an sister which I mentioned on my last comment but I also have an older sister who is 6 yrs older than me , at the age of 12 I started being sexually abused by my step dad he had been doing the same to my older sister since she was 14 when he did it to me she was 18 had a boyfriend ect but still lived in the same house as my mum me and my stepdad i told her what our stepdad was doing when I was 14 yrs of age she told me he did the same to her and we must tell our mum , so I told my mum what he had done I couldn't tell her so I wrote it down my sister was with me a I did this , an I thought its ok we are all together , he left and my mum was understandably devistated then my sister left and at 14 that's when I grew up I was left to look after my mum while she went of and enjoyed life I lost most my teenage years helping my mum , I didn't dare go out because I didn't want to leave her to be sad and cry by herself so lost all my friends and my life really, I hate my sister for leaving me to pic up the peices alone and I haven't spoken to her since , I know it's a different subject but thought it may help in your decision , my sister left me to pick up peices that we should of pulled together I was 14 and all alone , I just don't want the same for your little sister she needs you don't leave her in her hour of need

Becci - posted on 07/31/2012

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Sorry but at the end of the day he should be more understanding of this situation my partner wouldn't need to even think about this, I have a younger brother and sister if anything were to happen to my parents my main concern would be to help support and provide for my younger sibling , how awful would it be for her not to have your care and support at such a difficult age and time Im sorry but he is being very selfish and I'm sure that if the shoe was on the other foot it would be a different story , your little sister needs u right now do what u think is best x

Mel - posted on 07/29/2012

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I am sorry but when he married you, he knew you had a younger sister. These are all the possibilities that can happen when you marry someone. When these things happen, you do the best you can and do what is right.

[deleted account]

i would probably choose your sister she is more important to you i think? any way wen i was 6 my dad passed away and wen i was 12 my mum passed away so my brother who was 19 at the time took me and my bro in and that day he never saw his girlfriend again and occasionally sees his son but he said that he would rather my and my bro than a girl coz there's millions out there i hoped that helped

Cherie - posted on 07/23/2012

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Absolutely right Taj and the only thing I would add is if your husband is worth anything he will accept your sister and get over it. He may just need to grow up a bit (as most men do). Often times we as women need to make the decisions and this one doesn't even have to be thought about. Go to your mother in law and inlist her help in making your husband understand the importance of this decision and then do what you have to to help your sister grow into a strong and confident women because she has a strong and confident woman as a role model in you.

Kristi - posted on 07/22/2012

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Does no one look at the dates of posts anymore? If she hasn't updated this in TWO years I doubt she will.

Holli - posted on 07/21/2012

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I have so many issues with this on many levels. Firstly, your husband should have discussed it with you first. The only reason he should have confided in "Mommy" first is if she is a social worker. Second, not being supportive of you going through a tough time and wanting to keep your family together is pretty selfish on his part. It makes me leary when a grown man has issues with the younger sister... is there some kind of previous conflict?

TRYING to give him the benefit of the doubt, is your sister a good student and an all around good kid? If she was unruley, I could understand. But otherwise, I think he just doesn't want his domestic love nest disturbed. If you are planning on having children, I think this is an early glimpse of how he will treat "family". Him, "Mommy", and MAYBE the kids.

Georgetta - posted on 07/20/2012

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I am so sorry for the lost of your parents. The blessing is you have not lost your sister. Since I take it he gives no reason for him to refuse to help you and your sister, other than talking with his mother, then bite the bullet. Make your choice. He asked for this situation by making you choose. He should not be upset over whatever decision you make. Whatever decision you make, he is going to mad. If you choose him, you will resent hm for making you choose, If you choose your sister, he plans to leave. He will get over it or tell him to save for Oprah next talk show. What was his relationship like before the lost of your parents. What is the relationship like with his family. Maybe there is more here that meets the eye.

Alicia - posted on 07/20/2012

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Leave your husband..... honestly think about it, if he doesn't want you to have anything to do with your sister now he isn't going to want you to have anything to do with any one else in your family. My dad was like that. Every time he had a decision to make he would go running to his mommy and ask her what she thought. Then he started not lletting my mom see her family and then he wouldn't let her have aany friends and when she would start to have a friend he would freak out and run them off. Be carful having such a momma's boy. If he is saying to cchose her or him tell him to chose his mother or you and that will tell you your answer.

Taj - posted on 07/20/2012

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I am so sorry for your loss. During this time, it is natural that you and your sister will need to support one another and grieve together. I personally don't understand why your husband would not be willing to allow your 15 year old sister to live with you for a few years. After all, she is old enough to be self-sufficient. She just needs a safe place to live and to be loved during what is sure to be a traumatic time. Who is a better option to provide those things other than you, her sister? If it's not an issue of space or money, what is the issue? Unfortunately, life isn't always fair and your husband's reaction is evidence of that. However, you now have to decide what YOU think is most important and stick with it. Can you truly feel good about your decision if you allow your sister to be placed in foster care simply because your husband doesn't want her? Keep in mind, the unfortunate reality is that foster care is not always safe or loving (especially for teenage girls). If you do decide to reject your sister, please do so knowing that you have made a conscious choice, in essence, to choose your husband over your sister. Don't tell yourself it was your husband's decision or you couldn't do anything about it. You are an adult. You have choices independent of your spouse. I would personally be asking myself what kind of man I had married if he lacks the ability to understand your natural desire to provide a home for your only remaining family. Your sister is a child. She has been orphaned. She only has you to look out for her now. It's not a lifetime commitment. At 18, she can move out, go to college or get a job. Is three years really that much to ask of your husband under such circumstances? Please consider carefully the choice you do make and don't allow yourself to be pushed into doing something that you don't feel 100% comfortable doing. Finally, if he truly does stick to his guns and force you to choose between him or your sister, I say choose your sister. A good person wouldn't ask someone to make that kind of choice. Good luck with your decision.

JoJo - posted on 07/20/2012

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take her any ways it will only be till she finishes high school if he dont like it tell him to deal with it if he loves u trully

Kathleen - posted on 07/19/2012

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Wow, you have a tough situation. You need to get your husband to open up and talk about his reasons for being so opposed to the idea. There has to be discussion or there will be resentment for the remainder of your relationship with him. This is too big of a decision for him to be forcing an ultimatum of you having to choose between him and your sister. Even if he wins the "debate" by imposing an ultimatum right off the bat, he has begin the downfall of your relationship with him. There is no way you won't hold resentment towards him for his decision. I don't want to guess at his motivations (or his mother's) for his attitude. He must harbor some kind of feelings for your sister, and raising a teenager is filled with turmoil. Perhaps he has valid fears or feels that there is someone else who can take her in. I really don't know. It's just hard to beliee that he is acting this was based soley on his mother's advice.

Jenifer - posted on 07/18/2012

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Tell him to take a hike! THERE'S THE DOOR!!! What if it was the other way around? What if it was his family? Blood is blood and if your husband really loved you, your sister comeing to live with you wouldn't be an issue. Your sister is a minor, she needs love and support and so do you. Especially, after losing your parents. Spouse's nowadays seem to come and go, which is sad. You may need to be the one to set the example for not only your husband, but your sister, any kids you may have and yourself, that family is important and they matter. What if this was a grandkid? This is a time of crisis, family is even more important. Don't lose your sister because your husband is a dingbat.

Cortney - posted on 07/17/2012

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I would suggest counseling for you and your husband to work through the issue. It is not very loving for him to not even consider the issue if this is something you feel strongly about. He is being very self centered. Having your sister live with you may not be the picture he had of marriage but marriage is about sacrifices and working with the cards you are dealt. I would think a lot less of my husband if he had that reaction.

Kelly - posted on 07/17/2012

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He should understand he's not being fair ask him what if it was his sister what would he do!

Terry - posted on 07/17/2012

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Just read this for the first time! What has happened in this situation. See it was posted 2010

Laurie - posted on 07/17/2012

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Does she have another safe family member to go to? If not then ask yourself, can you sleep at night knowing she is in foster care? Shame on him...sounds selfish to me.

Jennifer - posted on 07/16/2012

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THIS POST IS OVER 2 YEARS OLD.... WE ARE ALL JUST TALKING TO OURSELVES!

Melissa - posted on 07/16/2012

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Have you tried to compramise with him, take her for about 6 months and see how things work out. If things work out thats great if not in that 6 months you and HER make a back up plan as to where she can go. If there are no other family members who can or will take her you are right she is better off with you. You can help each other get over the loss of your parents. Wish you both lots of luck and my condolences for your loss.

Krystal - posted on 07/16/2012

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Blood is thicker than water! If he loves you then he should care for your sister too

Jennifer - posted on 07/15/2012

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You need to know from your husband why the answer is "no" before you even posed the question to him. You need to know why he asked his Mom first before speaking with you.
You need to know that the US Government would give you money every month to care for your sister if both of your parents were S.S. eligible. All major cities have family crisis centers. Visit one for more information about support, both financial and emotional. I recommend counseling, as many before me have: for you and your sister; and marital for you - even if your husband does not want to go.

I wish you the best of luck. No one should tell you what to do, but follow your gut.
You are asking for support from a bunch of ladies, who are going to recommend what most strong women would do- TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF first, your family second.

If you rely on your husband for income, making a strong stand may be difficult, but seek help.
If you rely on your husband for love, he should love you even if you don't agree.
If you rely on your husband for advice, make up your own mind because he doesn't have one of his own; he's listening to his mother!

Amy - posted on 07/15/2012

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I can't imagine a scenario in which his response would be acceptable. It sounds as if your husband is not ready to make sacrifices that often accompany adult life, especially married, adult life. I would highly recommend considering dumping him. I know that is a strong recommendation from a stranger, as I don't know him, but I think I know enough about him based on this one behavior to say that you are far better off without him.

Lori - posted on 07/15/2012

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She is your sister,and has lost her parents. Take her in. Obviously a very selfish and childish man. Let him go back to mommy, sounds like that is where he wants to be anyway. do it or you will nevr forgive yourself. At 15, she needs close family.

Jessica - posted on 07/15/2012

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Hands down no questions asked. TAKE HER YOU ARE HER FAMILY!! If your husband can't accept that I would divorce him!!

Melissa - posted on 07/15/2012

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Tell your husband you will not abandon your family but if he makes the choice to abandon his that is his choice but you hope that he will stay and be there for you, your sister and our family in this hard time. Here it is if he wont let your sister move in now for just a few years what is he going to do when or if his parents need some one to care for them. I think that he doesn't understand that if he holds his ground on this one you will always resent him and that will end your marriage sooner or later.

Siobhan - posted on 07/15/2012

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Speak to your husband, your sister may feel like she has no one if you are unable to provide her with stability especially in the circumstances. If i was in that situation the would be only one option and that would be to give my sister a loving home if i could. Maybe your husband is scared and doesnt want to jump in before thinking it through.

Peggy - posted on 07/15/2012

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Dump him. Sounds very selfish. Does your sister have some issues you haven't mentioned? Is there someone else who can take her? If he is that inconsiderate in such a tragic situation he is worthless.

[deleted account]

What an overwhelming time for you and your husband and sister. I think the fact that your husband talked to his mom just meant he didn't want to just take his own misgivings as the only source for the decision. It may be that he wants ground rules and wants them consistently enforced. He might feel like you will divert too much time away from nurturing your marriage to focus on your sister. I think it would be valuable for your sister to see how you deal with this as a couple and doesn't ultimately want to be divisive there.
I would think boundaries/rules are important for every teenager and there are various common recommendations for raising a teenager, and that's a whole different post, smile.

Find a time where you know you and your husband talk best about things. Sometimes over a glass of wine or a drive or even just ask when it would be best for him to talk about it, assuming you feel the same for your needs.

Nutshell, this is a big decision and it is not surprising that he is freaked out a bit, but like most marriages I know, avoiding talking it through vs. just putting up walls is too common.

I think you do want to know what your husband is thinking, and listening actively (google) and simply just listening without any of your content (then you get a turn.) A huge help to my husband and I has been to say, during the time each has their turn, "Was there anything else?" Sometimes that last comment or two are the most helpful for the other to get out.

If you don't, and this may be most important, your sister WILL feel the resentment and could run away or go to the other places you don't prefer her to go.
And your marriage could suffer vs. getting closer. You could be on the same side, with compromise in finding ground rules for her.
I believe she will feel loved and cared about, if you have certain rules for her. Top of the list may be some counseling for her, to deal with this major event in her life.
How are you handling the loss of your parents?

Jessica - posted on 07/15/2012

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First off I am sorry to hear about your loss. Stand your ground, your little sister really needs you now. Why is he so against it, talk to him and find out why. Tell him you are hurt that he discussed this with his mom before talking to you about it and try to have a real heart to heart about it but if I were you no matter what my final answer would be of course my sister is coming here and if you don't like it you can leave. I think he is being unfair asking you to choose between your husband (who vowed to stand by you in good times and bad and this is certainly a really bad time) and your sister who is family and who really needs her big sister right now. I would tell him I can't afford to lose my parents and my sister at the same time. I hope all works out well for you.

Marcia - posted on 07/13/2012

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Blood is thicker than water....there is no guarantee that your husband will be around forever (no offense), but your sister will always be your sister...Give him the decision back, you or her...stay strong..

Laura - posted on 07/12/2012

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Do what you know is right and take her in!! Otherwise you'll never forgive yourself.

Staci - posted on 07/12/2012

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So sorry for your loss.......What is the reason behind your husband not wanting to take your sister in?
My husband and I took my niece in after her mother passed....there was not any hesitation when I asked. She is your sister....do what u feel is right in your heart.

Chaya - posted on 07/11/2012

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Just an idea. My aunt and uncle weren't allowed to have me live with them for a time, they got me a house across the street from where they lived. I realize you probably can't afford to buy her a house, but could you get her a studio apartment near you? Or do you have a neighbor you are emotionally close to you that could take her?

Amanda - posted on 07/11/2012

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Coming from someone whos dealt with a similar situation, she's your sister. She's priority here. You both need each other in this time to get through this ordeal. It's gonna have some rough patches but every family does. It's a part of life.

Patricia - posted on 07/10/2012

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you have to she needs you he is not a very caring understanding hubby if he doesn't

Babymama - posted on 07/10/2012

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My mom pasted away when i was 19 and my sis was 16 and i also had a 2 year old daughter. Our dad is still living but was in no way able or willing to take my sister in and she had no one to turn to. I was married at the time and i can tell ya that the decision in no way was left up to him as he was also against it. Bottom line when terrible things happen very rarely is anyone perpared for it & there is no way that a man would make me choose between him and my sister cuz he deffinity wouldn't like the answer i gave him. Things were tuff at first getting adjusted but over time things got easier and we have made it fine.

Melissa - posted on 07/07/2012

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I know he is your husband but she is your family too. I think if you don't take her in you will regret it and resent your husband for it. His mother should have no say.

Chaya - posted on 07/07/2012

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I've raised eight children, with a potential of three others. I will not deny any child anything they need as long as I can help. Need being the operative word.
I told my dad to either quit drinking or I'd never speak to him again, it worked, I fully expected him to opt to continue drinking. Not quite the same, but sometimes you need to assert yourself.
My husband once tried to keep me from taking his niece because her brothers were abusive to her, mom didn't seem to care. I said fine, I'll take the niece and our baby, and move to Iowa, which I needed to do anyways.
I'd have just told my husband my sister was coming to live with us. I really would choose my sibling over my husband if he were refusing to help. That sounds mean, but bloood is thicker than water.

Sarah - posted on 07/06/2012

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Your husband has no right to deny your SISTER whose parent's just DIED a safe place to stay, especially because she's a minor.One of my biggest regrets is NOT TAKING IN my brothers when they needed me most because my husband said NO. My two younger brothers were in a not ideal situation when they were abot 12 and 15ish. They resorted ro drugs and were in deep depression. They eventually joined the military and cleaned themselves up. Unless you want your poor little sister to live in cardboard boxes and starve to death, you need to tell your husband that ther is no other option and that if he won't let you take her in that you will leave him. Honestly if he really loves you he will agree to letting your beloved sister live with you and not give you na ultimatum. Talk to him and try to explain to him how important this is to you and that she is your sister. Best of luck to you!!! I'm sorry about your parents hope you feel better soon!

Lisa - posted on 07/05/2012

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If your sister has no place to go that means she'll end up in foster care. I wouldn't put my dog in foster care if there was another choice. I was in foster care as a child and trust me... it's better to be on your own, just you and your sister (if your husband decides to leave) than it is to let her fall into the blackhole that is State Custody.

Devyn - posted on 07/05/2012

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Take your sister!!!!! if your husband loved you like hes supose to he would open his arms shes your sister and needs you now more then ever

Devyn - posted on 07/05/2012

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Take your sister!!!!! if your husband loved you like hes supose to he would open his arms shes your sister and needs you now more then ever

Melodie - posted on 07/05/2012

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The really hard part is the next 3 years. After that you sister has finished high school and will start her own life. You will always be needed by her, but now more that any other time in her life. She is a minor and you are her only choice. She needs to come first right now. If your husband loves you, he needs to love your family. If he can't accept this, dump him. He needs to come up with a very very good explaination or he needs to go. Your sister really reailly needs you!

Jodie - posted on 07/05/2012

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I cant say I've ever been in that situation but I know for sure that if I had to choose, I'd kick the selfish husband to the curb and take in my sister. Most marriages end up in divorce anyway and I dont think I'd like to be married to a man with no compassion. You might be doing yourself a favour by trading up.

Corinne - posted on 07/05/2012

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First of all, I can't believe all you people keep posting on this thread! She wrote this OVER 2 YEARS AGO. I'm sure what ever was going to happen is done already. Let's all hope she chose her sister over the husband and hopefully the husband understands. We all hope for the best for your family Tiffany, please let us know what ended up happening.

Cassie - posted on 07/05/2012

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What they said. I'm sorry but if your husband really loved you and could see past his selfishness he would understand that it's only for a couple more years until your sister is old enough to care for herself. Seeing how you do it would be a positive example to her and help her develop into an adult. You should also ask your husband flat out what bothers him so much about her coming to live with you? He shouldn't have to demand all of your attention all the time and if he does he sounds insecure...either with himself or with your relationship. Either way it's unhealthy and he needs to address his own issues before tossing out yours. Take control and do what you feel is best but in my opinion your husband has just shown his true colors. I hate how difficult this must be for you and am so sorry for your family's loss. Take comfort in the knowledge though that your sister has someone to look up to and that will most likely make you closer than ever. Be safe and take care. :-)

Becky - posted on 07/04/2012

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A sister cannot be replaced, a husband can. Take care of your sister. He should be talking to you, not his mother. You already have problems with your marriage if he's doing that.

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