Should I stay with my family?

Barbara - posted on 06/02/2012 ( 42 moms have responded )

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I have two girls 11 and 14. I have been having an affair with a guy I met through a freind on this site. I asked my Husband to take the girls to work two days a week so I could get a break from homeschooling and their fighting. I used that time to surf the net and send pictures to other guys. LOL I really thought he did not care, I guess I was wrong. The other day, my oldest had a boyfriend problem and needed to speak with me while at work with my husband. They tried forever to contact me but my phone was not working right and her could not reach me. Finally my daughter asked him to drive her to where we were having lunch so she could have a hug, Instead of finding me at lunch they found my van at the hotel, UGH. Being an IT expert, my husband quickly unravelled all of my game. I was really careless. Anyway My question is should I stay with him, he is a good father and I'm sure my daughters will learn that open marriage is ok for me but I really don't want them to do it. My husband is willing to do what ever it takes to keep the girls safe and happy, but vascillates between whether it's better to just dump me and prove the lesson or to keep me and let them have a mother, full time.

I just don't know which way to go.

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Lori - posted on 06/02/2012

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If you're not in love with your husband anymore and are seeking men elsewhere I think it's not fair to either of you for you to stay in the marriage. You can't be married and fool around without it ruining everything that you may still have with the father of your children. My suggestion is either you commit to your husband and stay faithful or get a divorce and move on. There's nothing wrong with having a single life and dating around but not when your a married lady with kids. Sounds like you need to make a choice and whatever you choose will be better for your children than what you are doing now. I hope I didn't offend...just trying to help. Take care and let me know how things are going.

Sherri - posted on 06/03/2012

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Sorry but I have no compassion for a cheater and someone that obviously has no regard for their family, marriage or vows. I feel for your husband and children, I hope they can move on and be able to live a happy life. I will stop there as I have nothing nice to say in the least.

Jen - posted on 06/03/2012

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I'm so horrified reading this I don't even know what to say. So I'll stick with this - if you think that your young teenaged girls will "learn that open marriage is OK for me" without having their current and future relationships with men damaged, if you think they are not bothered that you were with another man while they were all looking for you because your poor kid needed a hug, if you think they can't figure out that you deliberately ditched them so you'd have time to seek out an affair, you are dead wrong on all counts. If you decide to stay, you need to commit to being a real wife and mother. If you're not prepared to do that, leave and let their father raise them, for their sake.

Rachel - posted on 06/02/2012

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If science has proven anything about parenting, its that you can't give your kids what you don't have. If you want them to be educated, get an education, if you want them to be kind, be kind etc. And in your case, if you want them to have a healthy, faithful relationship, YOU need to be healthy and faithful in your relationship. Statistically, it is there best shot. But you seem wildly apathetic to your spouse. I sympathize with that. I once dated a guy who proposed to me, and had I said yes, I can picture myself sounding like you. It was hard leaving him then, it would be much harder with kids. Because he was a good guy. Whatever you decide, this other man is a complication you don't need. Get him out of the picture first, and then you can make a clearer decision.

Dove - posted on 06/06/2012

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Except that if you can figure out WHY you have engaged in a particular behavior... you may be better equipped at discovering your 'triggers' for repeating that behavior and finding ways to stop yourself before it starts.... Discovering why you feel the need to do something in order to stop it ahead of time is not the same as trying to justify it.

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42 Comments

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Sophia - posted on 09/21/2012

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HOW LONG DO YOU THINK THIS NEW GUY WILL WANT YOU! DO YOU FEEL LIKE THIS IS THE ONE !!!

Dianne - posted on 07/19/2012

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I had an affair 7 yrs ago. Hubby and I were living seperate lives basically. Things were not great for a while. My daughter was going on 6yrs old.
Hubby was there but not there, if you know what I mean. The guy was a friend - made me laugh, was just there! It did not last long though. I wanted out of the marriage but hubby was headstrong to make it work even though I was determined.
Then I took hubby's advice and tried the marriage councillor - if it worked then it worked, if it did not then we go our separate ways.
Well, let me tell you it worked. Our marriage is 10x stronger. Once you past the affair a marriage reaches a different level, a more mature love and respect for each other.
Your husband sounds similar to mine - those are keepers - consider trying to make it work. The reason why you are looking around is because you are lacking something in your marriage - go to a councillor and see if you can figure out what it is that is missing.
Since my affair and our marriage reconciliation we have had two boys and we are very happy.

Margo - posted on 07/08/2012

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are you kidding? How can you be so cavalier about you insensitive and selfish behavior? Crap or get off the pot.

Julie - posted on 07/06/2012

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IF they were ashamed, they would say so or post nothing at all. These are really women, with real issues. IF it is to much for you to handle, then it's not for you.

Julie - posted on 07/06/2012

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You're a mess. Sorry but, if open marriage is ok for you, but you don't want your girls to have one. Isn't that a bit of a double standard? You either lead by example, or live your truth. Living a lie is what you are doing now, and that never turns out to be in the best interest for you, or your girls.
What will keep the girls happy and safe is leading an honest and responsible lifestyle. That would require you to put your immorality on hold until they are out of the house. Or, it would require you and your husband to agree on an open marriage, and co-parent as a team in every other way. But, It sounds like he is NOT OK with open marriage, and will resent you if you remain in the marriage. Your girls will continue to see an unhealthy relationship, and more than likely fall into the same pattern. You have broken one of the sacred vows in your marriage, and you do not seem to be regretful. I say, move on but honestly, Good luck with that.

Donna - posted on 07/05/2012

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Wow. I just joined this sight for some advise from other moms. I thank god I have an awesome husband and three wonderful children. But, if this is what this web sight is about when someone needs to talk to someone for some advise, this is a joke. I never delt with this in high school and I will not get caught up with it now. Someone sends a post of what they "most likely" are ashamed they did and everyone "but" the person asking for some advise argue over someone elses post.

Chaya - posted on 07/03/2012

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That's just plain unfair to put your children in the middle of all this. My husband left me for my skanky half sister when my daughter was six. It took him six months to figure out that he had to pay child support. While that may not be your issue, you'll find something to want to go back, then you'll have alienated everyone involved. Even if your husband allows you back, you'll never gain your childrens respect again. If I were in your husbands shoes, I'd dump you and you'd get to see your children so infrequently that they'd prefer to not even try.
This coming from a single mom who grew up in foster care

Jolene - posted on 06/19/2012

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You are the adult, would you want your daughter husband, cheating on them? You know the right decision,that you have to make,, even if it maybe hard to deal with. you got to do the right thing, even if hearts get broken.

G - posted on 06/13/2012

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Barbara if you can fix things in your marriage and if you want to I would try, because believe it or not the grass is never greener on the other side no matter how good one thinks it is, its all the same only w a different person. I do believe your children should come first always... good luck to you and your family

Wyn - posted on 06/12/2012

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You really have to think the situation through. If you don't want to work on your marriage, have that discussion with your husband and determine next steps. Then, the two of you decide what to tell the children together.

Martha - posted on 06/11/2012

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Kristen, you put it better than anyone, straight to the point in one phrase. kuddos for you.

Kristen - posted on 06/09/2012

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Don't stay with your husband. Your daughters don't need a mentor like you.

Pamela - posted on 06/06/2012

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Obviously you need to sit down with your husband and a counselor to work through it all. One of the things you need to question is why you wanted and sought out attention from someone other than your husband. When you find the answer to that you can begin to work on what your emotional body needs to heal.



You made a commitment to your husband and children before the extra marital affair took place. Do your best to HEAL the relationships you have with your children and husband. They were first. treat them as such...NUMBER ONE in your life.



The highest and best in healing to you all!

Martha - posted on 06/06/2012

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Patricia; i think there is not justification for cheating. if a person find reasons why to, better find one thousand more reason why not to. we as growth up have to be responsable for our actions and moves 24-7 instead of blame others or something else.
Plus, Barbara need to learn from her mistakes instead of find excuses as of why. there are two young ladies in between that most be more important than anything.

Martha - posted on 06/05/2012

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Well, is sad, but you husband is right. you need to
Get a job, he doesnt have to support you, therefore get a job and become independent. stop using the man. is not fair for your kids and for him. you do not want to find someone that take advantage of you in the future.
he did not fail, you did, more than once; by phone, internet, etc, cheating is cheating. you have had 2 partners beside your husband in the past 7 months. so right now, you are not wife material, you need to be alone, try to abstain your self for a while.
Because if the case were that you were unhappy, you tried to talk to your husband and he did not listen, therefore you leave him because you found comfort in someone else if will be different, but you did it more than once for fun. honestly, if is not broken dont fix it.
meaning do not blame it on psychology unless it is really a matter of the psych. do not try
to blame your mistake in someone or something else. once you get full responsability of your
faults you will fill better and it will be easier to move one
He does not need the counseling, you do. then yes not for the marriage but for the kids, i believe you marriage was over way before it began

Jen - posted on 06/05/2012

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Barbara - I think the sadness and regret you show in your update is what no one saw in your original post, which is why you got so many negative responses. We all make mistakes, and I'm glad you have gotten to the point of trying to fix things. It sounds like your husband is right - you may have an addiction or other psychological issue that needs to be addressed. Take his advice and get some counseling. When you get yourself straightened out, then maybe he'll agree to go to couples' counseling if you still want to do that.

And I wouldn't assume you are screwed. Your marriage may or may not be over, but people get divorced all the time. It's painful, but not the end of the world, especially if you were unhappy enough to seek out other men anyway. Concentrate on getting your life together and being the best mom you can to your daughters, and the rest will work itself out. Good luck.

Barbara - posted on 06/05/2012

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We are separating. I'm trying to do everything I can to make up for this but my husband says he/we need some time apart. There were 2 men and hundreds on the 'net over the last 7 months. I've screwed this up. I suggested counseling as a couple but my husband said he won't until I've sought help for depression and what ever this addiction is that I have. I did the internet thing before back in 2007 but it never went physical. My husband caught me then too. I guess he is right, I need to get a job, help support the girls and "just give him some space for a while".

Not sure what to make of all the advice here....thanks but I'm pretty much screwed anyway I look at it now.

Stifler's - posted on 06/05/2012

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If your husband is only agreeing to this because he wants to keep you eventually he will get jack of you rooting other people and the marriage will end anyway. My suggestion is to stop thinking sleeping with other people will make you happy and get counselling for yourself or marriage counselling to improve your marriage if your husband is willing to take you back.

Rachel - posted on 06/04/2012

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Have you ever read the Scarlet Letter? That author has a theory about that Rachelle. Basically, when you are lying to someone, you despise them. Dr. John Gray goes one step further, and says you are incapable of feeling love from someone you are lying to. Because you have not revealed your true self to them, all their kindness is taken as being a dupe. So, cautionary tale- never lie, because it will cut you off from giving and receiving love. And Barbara, I would stop the lying immediately. It is likely at the root of your feelings of caullousness.

Rachelle - posted on 06/04/2012

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Seems like you already checked out of your marriage. You even went thru the trouble of getting rid of your kids for days that you wanted to meet guys or research them online. Why not just finalize it with a divorce. Everyone in this situation deserves to be happy, obviously if you went looking for other men something was lacking in your life.

Rachel- the difference is you left the guy before marrying him and having kids. We have all been in tough relationships but out of respect for myself I ended one relationship before beginning another. We have all seen signs in ex's that is why they became ex's in the first place. Also she shows no remorse for what she's done.

Rachel - posted on 06/04/2012

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Was Jesus justifying the woman that was caught in the act of adultery? No. He said "neither do I condemn thee. Now go and sin no more." You don't have to be Christian to see thats good advice. I say only to back off the condemnation, and give useful advice on how to sin no more. Which I think she has received several times over as well. Really good advice here. Barbara, I hope you can get your life back in order for the sake of your family. I think I've said my piece.

Martha - posted on 06/04/2012

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First let me tell you this site is for moms who need help building better families, and not to be founding botty calls. I am not going to tell you all you deserve because i have read the comments and they have already told you what you needed to hear.
Now, what are you going to do about it? If you did not love your husband, you should have leave him first and then get your "grove on", it would have been a better example for your teenagers daughters and they will respect you more on the future.
I did not read any reason that make me believe there was something wrong with your husband, you just have apparently plently of time in your hands and your priorities wrong.
No one is telling you to live with a man you do not love. no one is suggesting you to be misserable, but what you did is wrong and if i were your husband i will not only divorce you but i will take away the kids custody for you dont sound so fitted. you are LOL like a teenager!!! after you admiting you are searching for men on the internet while your husband is taking care of the kids!!!
I am not old-fashioned, i am all for happiness, but with your irresponsability you have place in danger not only your self but your kids too!! there are all type of perverts on those websites, some of them marry you, just to get to your kids, dont you watch news or important programs?
I am a divorcee, and then i found someone who loves me after many years, my ex-married 5 months after our daughter was born, i wishes him the best because i realized i did not loved him, but i never did anything that i should feel shame in front of my kids.
You need to evaluate your self, maybe you married young and somehow maturity never arrived to your brain, but at this moment better is divorce and leave your girls with her father, you are not right and your behavior tell me you will put inside your house any loser just to get your "woman time" placing your kids in danger.
I dont know if you work or not, (beside house work) but if finances interest is what is keeping you closer to your husband and kids, let them go, dont be selfish, you have done so much damange. DO THE RIGHT THING NOW

Cherie - posted on 06/04/2012

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No, Rachel, I'm still seeing a lot of justification. I would not be able to say, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." There's a big difference between being unhappy in a marriage and having your husband and children find you at a hotel. That was a conscious decision played out over and over again with blinders on that said, "This is okay for me, and my family will be just fine."

Rachel - posted on 06/04/2012

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Cherie- I don't see anyone excusing her behaviour for any reason. Merely, "There, but for the grace of God, go I".

Cherie - posted on 06/04/2012

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You can't fix what you don't acknowledge, and Barbara is not acknowledging the effect this affair has to have had on her children! It's hard to see beyond your own pain, yes, but there's no choice here. Most of the "compassion" being shown here seems to be excusing her behavior because of all this apparent unhappiness. Barbara, there is no excuse for hurting your family, especially your children. You have to know that! Whether the decision is to stay or to go (and taking into account your husband's decision also), those kids have to come first! None of this was fair to them. It's very painful, whether they've said it or not, and they do look to your example for their own behavior in life. You can't have it both ways!

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Yes you were careless AND thoughtless. You were careless to get caught, but you were incredibly thoughtless to do this in the first place. If you were unhappy in your marriage you should have addressed that first before putting your family into this situation. Now that it is done, you want to know which way to turn. Well you are the only one that knows what you want and you need to make a quick and decisive choice so your family can start to heal from this betrayal. If you truly regret what you have done, then you had better hope that your husband is willing to forgive you. You'll need to go to counselling together and you'll need to give your husband time to learn to trust you again. If you don't regret what you have done, then I'd say you should get out of the marriage before you cause more destruction within the family. Either way, you have a painful road ahead and your number one concern should be the well being of your daughters.

Erin - posted on 06/03/2012

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Barbara, I respect your honesty. While I might not agree with the situation you've created, I do think it takes courage to lay yourself out like you have here. Others have given you some really great advice (like Rachel) and I can't think of anything to add to that. I just wish you and your family a lot of love and luck and hopefully a working solution will arise.

Rachel - posted on 06/03/2012

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So, where do the people who are behaving badly go for help, when functioning people just tell them off? Your harsh words aren't helpful. What are you trying to prove by berating this woman?

Then again, for all I know, Barbara could be so self loathing at this point, that the post was calculated to bring on berating. Barbara, is this condemnation assuaging your guilt for you? Is this a cathartic confession meant to aid humility? Because if it feels better to be yelled at, I will quickly step aside. Some feedback from you would be useful.

Molly - posted on 06/03/2012

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Stop screwing the guy from the internet! What is wrong with you? You are throwing away what sounds like a relationship with a good man. Find a good counselor and show your girls you give a crap about your family. I am sorry, but right now your actions seem nothing but selfish.

Rachel - posted on 06/03/2012

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Wow ladies. I am really disappointed in you. Barbara is being honest and asking for guidance. Where is your compassion? Can't any one of you imagine a different timeline, with a different husband (possibly someone you dated) that might end in a trainwreck? I can't be the only one with an imagination. None of us are oblivious to our faults, so give her the benefit of the doubt, that she already knows she made a mess, and try being compassionate.

Barbara- I think the strong reaction from some readers is due to the sense we are getting that you are maybe numb to the pain of the situation. It hurts to read of it, so its confusing when our pain isn't reflected in your words. But I think I understand. When someone is adrenal deficient (from prolonged stress, or various medications) they can feel very flat and apathetic. This also would explain the affair, as it would flood your body with adrenaline. Find a hormone doctor to test you for adrenal exhaustion.

Alberta - posted on 06/02/2012

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For a Mom you sure use I a lot. try looking at it from your kids perspective and figure it out which is more important. Are they important or is this affair. Do you love your husband? Does he love you? Get counseling as a family. Don't leave your kids thinking they did something wrong. Safe guard them 1st and formost. Your an adult so do the adult thing and do what is right for them.

Rachel - posted on 06/02/2012

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Also, repairing a marriage after this kind of betrayal (especially one so damaged that you would think your affair would not phase your husband) takes a huge amount of work. Huge. If you aren't up to that, your husband needs to know that so he can make an educated decision. The vulnerability that is necessary in the healing process would be psychologically devastating in the presence of more "carelessness". If you aren't emotionally safe, and don't have the capacity to be emotionally safe, he NEEDS to be told that. I sympathize with you. Like I said, I remember feeling like you feel. It is a long, scary, hard road forward. But it can be done. But if you aren't 100% committed to it, you are wasting his time. He needs to know that too.

Amy - posted on 06/02/2012

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I agree with Lori, although it may be ok for you to have an open marriage, is that really what your husband wants? And although it's not what you want for your kids they are going to be exposed to it and think that it's ok. If you don't want to be married than get the divorce and live your life it's not fair to your kids or your husband for you to do what you are currently doing.

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