should stay married to one who won't quit drinking

Carla - posted on 08/07/2010

This thread has been great. Lots of different angles to look at things. Proverbs says a wise person listens to every council, then makes their decision. If we all say what the poster wants to hear, we have done her a disservice. I like to get every possible scenario, then I can make an informed decision.

God bless, all!

Elizabeth - posted on 08/07/2010

I don't think telling someone who is possibly in a very bad, if not abusive situation that "the Lord hates divorce is helpful. We have to remember that the Lord thinks of us all as his children. He loves us all, and does his best to protect us all, not just Christians. I believe that he wants us to do the same for our children. You can't change someone unless they want to change. If it is an abusive or neglectful situation, and your husband refuses to change, get out, for the sake of you and your children. My whole family were alcoholics, some of which refused to change. They all created horrible irreconcilable situations that still affect all of us to this day. Because of this, I gave myself certain standards that I must have, if I were ever to get married. I was married to a wonderful man for 2 years, before he passed away. If you tell yourself that you, and your children are worth it... you will know what to do.

Kate - posted on 08/07/2010

Not sure if God is elping here! I am pretty sure I here about forgiveness every week at mass, but does that help your situation. If it gives you strength then wonderful but I don't think praying alone will help. Addiction is something that is destructive for the individual and those around them. It is also closely linked to mental illness and coming from somone that has struggled with addiction and depression it is a slow road to recovery. I was always aware of not damaging the lives of those close to me and children are so innocent and don't deserve to be become part of the issues that should stay in the realm of adulthood. Can you separate your children's lives from the reality of supporting the person who in time could be a wonderful person in their lives? If not, leave? If this person is never going to be a positive influence in their lives then leave and let him fight his own battles. Ifo so then then fight as hard as you can because the more people who love our kids the better. Children need at least one person who loves them in a positive way.

Rachel - posted on 08/06/2010

Exactly.. Everything that everyone has said is very honest and great advice. You do need to move on. If I could do it.. you can do it! Your child must come first.

Samantha - posted on 08/05/2010

Leave

Amy - posted on 08/05/2010

i know how you feel. i was with my soon to be exhusband for 6 years. we have a 4 year old together. i tried everything i could think of to get him to quit drinking. i left several times. the first time for a week, the second time for 5 months and the 3rd time for another week. he tried AA meetings and just going cold turkey but he would always fall back to drinking. he was also in and out of jobs the whole of our relationship. at the end he couldn't work at all because of his health. but he still kept drinking. finally we had our last big fight and he told me to leave and i did. and i haven't went back since. we will be getting our divorce in october.
my daugher was 18 months old when we left. i know that it was easier on her cause she was young and all she remembers is mommy and daddy being apart. if you really want to leave, then its best to do it while he is young cause he can adjust better.
just pray and follow you heart. he turned into a better dad after it all.
good luck

Monica - posted on 08/05/2010

I've been dating a guy whose been drinking, and thought, no, he will change. Which he promised me, by the way. But he didn't. To make a long story short, I married him, planned immediately for a baby, got pregnant a week after marriage. My husband left us when my daughter was plus minus three months old. He stopped drinking a year ago. Today, he can say he is an alcoholic. It all lies within him, my dear. I've tried so hard and did what I could, but the decision lied with him. He only stopped when he realized he had a problem and that he wants to stop. Best of luck.

Celeste - posted on 08/04/2010

It was weird reading ur story b/c it sounded like you were me! My husband & I have been married 7 yrs & we have a 5 yr old son. We have been separated for the last 2 yrs. He lives in my house on the out-skirt of town & my son & I live in town w/ my elderly parents. We "go home" on Friday & return Monday. My husband stopped drinking for a while & started going to AA. This lasted a few months only. He tries the "guilt trip" aproach to try to get me to move home. I can not allow my son to witness what he becomes when he's drinking. I do not want a divorce. I feel that @ this point in our lives our living arrangements are best for my son. I am his 2nd wife. The 1st divorced him after 17 yrs b/c of his addiction. His 2 other children have grown up & are still very resentful towards him. I see this beginning w/ my baby. It hurts me so much when daddy promises to do things w/ him & rarely follow through. So I DO understand how utterly helpless you feel. Every situation is different. For me, divorce is not the answer. I believe one day we will work through this, as will you. Good luck from a fellow war buddy! Celeste

Britney - posted on 07/20/2010

maybe it is just my opinion but i feel nothing or no one comes before my children, not even vows. If God is our father then he would not want to see us put our children through that. I grew up with parents with all types of addictions and guess what, i ended up with the same addictions for a lot of my childhood. I know you would never want that for your child so i would sugest separating from him for a while and give him a chance to straighten his life up. The longer you stay and ask him to quit over and over again with no response the more comfortable he will feel doing it. Having had problems as a child or going through hard times is only an excuse to drink not a reason alcohol is a crutch that to many people use to do what they want to do. It is time we step up and take responsibility for our actions and stop giving excuses. I am sorry if i upset anyone i did not want to but someone had to say it.

Jodie - posted on 07/10/2010

Move on. There's a cycle to alcoholism and an alcoholic will never truly quit drinking until they decide they should.

Sherry - posted on 07/10/2010

Emotional abuse ,

Bess - posted on 07/10/2010

I agree with everything everyone has said so far in this post. Such strong women - to work through difficulties in marriage and also personal addictions. My husband also has addiction to alcohol and other things, which he has worked very hard at. I have seen him up high at his best and down so low. The main thing I want to say is if your emotional, mental or physical health (or your son's) is seriously threatened, then you have to take care of yourselves. On the other hand, if you are safe, then you are in the position to really help your man in a way nobody else may be able to. If you do succeed in helping him to battle his addiction to alcohol, I'm sure your relationship will be stronger for it. It's also good for children to see that when you have difficulties in relationships and with personal demons, we can work hard at them to change the situation, rather than giving up - but... if your safety or health is threatened, you need to take care of yourself and your child first.

Vuyokazi - posted on 07/04/2010

i like what ebony and carla said pity i could read all the comments..i'm in the very kind of situation..its huring inside..bt as a born again christain i'm fighting this addiction on my husband with God..i tried to talk to me he opened up to me abt thngs that made hm to drink..i won;'t go to details to cut the story short..i'm supporting him all the way abt those things he revealed them to me..that makes him want to drink..bt he is nt yet stopping..bt i told my self..i'll hold on and pray for him and contuie to be a better wife to him ..coz i amrreid him drinking..i got myself into this mess..i'll get myself out .bt divorce is nt a solution here darling..no one is perfect..satnd by him talk to him and try nt to be upset or raise yo voice when u speak to him give him a respect still..i know excatly wht u going tru..am still trying to get him to c marrige counsillor ..maybe he will get help..ask him if he want to quit ..then tell him wht u r willing to do to help him he is nt alone he 's got u (wife )this is nt a time to leave yo husband..remeber you have vowed....me and u and other moms r with u in our prayes..may the lord find favour in yo case too!take care!remember God hates divorce..except one partner has commited a aldultery..this problem we facing right now..its part of the devils weak plans..to break what God has formed LOVE..put him under yo feet and stay strong sister..

Monica - posted on 07/03/2010

Go to an Alanon meeting in your area or join the Al-anon online outreach program to get the support you need. Whether you stay with him or move on, you will need the support from others.

http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meeti...

Carla - posted on 07/02/2010

I like what Ebony said. I wish someone had said that to me. I was an alcoholic, off and on, since I was 21. I had a horrific marriage (married at 15), and drinking was the only way I knew to deal with it. I divorced him and married someone else, but the drinking didn't stop. My husband would pull me out of the car when I got home from work (had to stop for happy hour first), clean me up cuz I had barfed in my lap, and he and my 16-year-old would put me to bed. I couldn't deal with life. This is what your man may be going through. Alcoholics aren't bad people, but for whatever reason, life is unbearable and we need a drink to get through. It may have been something from his childhood that he can't be past, it could be a variety of reasons. I finally had a horrific incident (won't go into details) that shocked me sober. I have been sober since 1983.

I don't know if he'll talk to you, some men don't open up easily, but try. Tell him the things Ebony said. Tell him if it's something he's done that he feels guilty over, that you don't hate him for it. Tell him you can work through things, but he's killing himself and you and your son if he continues.

Being married is hard, honey. You have to figure out if you want to go out and find another man and go through all this again, possibly, or if you want to fight to fix this. Thank God my husband stayed with me and we worked through it. I tell my girls that we are looking for custom-made husbands in an off-the-rack world. There isn't one perfect man out there; you either fix the one you have or spend a lifetime looking.

God bless, honey.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 07/02/2010

I understand how you feel. It’s very scary and heart breaking! They turn into a complete monster and stranger!!!
My man of 5years had a problem with drinking as well. It’s now going on 1year that he has been sober and I am very proud of him, I also know that he did it not only for himself but his children that we have together.
Here is what I came to realize, im sure you may know as well, that unless he is truly ready to quit drinking, then it will continue, or something catastrophic happens that will snap some sense into him.
What I did is talk to him and let him know that I loved him, but I loved myself and my son more, I also told him that he was putting himself in a early grave, because his drinking was a hazard to him and all around him, and how could he be so selfish to think of only himself in that way. I also told him that I did need him and wanted him around for the children and me, I also told him I wont tell you what to do, I am asking you to stop, and I will support you in every way I can. If you choose not to then fine, but I cant take anymore.
So maybe you can let him know some of those things.
I really do hope it works out for you