Should we change daycares?

Mandy - posted on 06/23/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My 4 year old son just started going to a daycare mainly to get him used to the structure and schedule of a preschool in which he will be starting soon. He only goes x 2days a week. He has been coming home is such a strange mood and @ first I blew it off as if he were just worn out from his day. I can't get him to tell me much about it. But from what he has told me makes me worry and I could be over-exaggerating the situation. #1 On his 2nd day when I dropped him off I asked his teacher how he was doing... She hesitated and said well he's doing ok.... I asked her to explain and she stated that he had a temper... that he thought he could come back in and play with the toys inside while everyone was out on the playground and said that when she was trying to get him to come back outside he jerked his arm away...(I thought OKAY IT'S HIS VERY 1st DAY!! How could he understand that fully? And I almost felt as if she were "judging" my son on day one. I thought it was normal for a child to "act out" on the 1st day of something like this?? If you even wanna call that acting out) #2 He made a comment today "that girl @ school said she didn't like me" (as he started to pout) I ask well why did she say that? and he replied "I looked @ her and she looked @ me and said I dont like you" I understand this maybe considered normal child behavior but my son is such a loving child he was hurt by this. #3 another comment he made was " Joey is mean to me" I replied what did he do that was mean? and his reply was that" He tells me to stop it and hits me in the head and takes toys away from me" (okay now this took me a minute to respond but I finally did) I asked Why did joey do that and he said: because he's mean to me. So....... I need some opinions here. He just doesn't seem himself on a day he goes to daycare. I want him to grow and learn and be able to play with other children because he absolutely loves playing with other kids and he has ALWAYS played so good with them. We have remained very positive about it around him so we don't make him think daycare is a bad thing but I'm just torn on what to do. The teacher seems nice but very unconcerned and said she considered herself very strict? And if another child is hitting my child I think I should @ least be notified or @least I know I would wanna know if it were my child hitting someone else's child. Wondering if maybe I should look for another daycare maybe?

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Carol - posted on 06/28/2012

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I ran my own day care for a few years and dealt with new kids quite a bit. It takes a few weeks for kids to adjust to the new rules - like inside time and outside time. If he is only used to himself dictating when and where to go, there'll be some tension. He'll learn to follow the rules though. It sounds like the teacher wasn't going to tell you the minor bumps in the road because every kid goes through them and they're no big deal. I'd let the teacher know about the hitting incident in the least confrontational way you can. You want them keeping a closer eye on the two together. It's possible that your son wasn't perfect and it's very possible that the other kid overreacted and hit him. The kids are establishing how your son fits into their kingdom. It sounds stupid, but they do it with every new kid. (not to be sexist, but girls are so much harder with this so count your blessings for having a boy). They need to determine if he's a bully or a pushover or a whiner or a comedian... It takes a few headbutts from all the kids to determine his status. He'll be doing his share of headbutting (hopefully only figureatively). Try to observe how he's doing without him seeing you to truly see if he likes it. Some kids punish their parents for abandoning them. He may lash out at you, lie to you, or ignore you and act like he doesn't want you either (as if you didn't want him). Don't take any of it personal.

Pamela - posted on 06/26/2012

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If you decide to go to another day care and find that it is your son who needs to adjust and not the teachers or other children, accept that your child's behavior is reflecting some teaching that he is getting from his home situation. If he is an only child it may be that he is being unconsciously pampered by you and this may be what he expects elsewhere.

PLEASE realize that when you have 20 + children under the age of 5 in a school setting, if your child is the only one not listening and following directions, HE is putting an extra strain on the teachers and the other children. Perhaps the other children do not like him because his behavior is different from the majority of children. Also, any reaction that children have to one another at this age is not to be taken seriously unless there is some kind of physical reaction that keeps coming up, like hitting, etc.

Often first time parents.....especially Mothers, can be OVER PROTECTIVE, so check your own reactions and see if that is where you are coming from.

May it all work out to the best of ll concerned!

Kristin - posted on 06/25/2012

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I have 3 kids and all of them were in daycare as I work full time. My youngest is still currently in daycare as she is now 14 months old and the daycare staff document everything and I mean everything. She scratched herself and they wrote it up and I had to sign the sheet. Her daycare also has an observation room and parents are free to stop in at anytime and observe their child with the staff. If you have any concerns the daycare staff ackbowledge it and work to make things better for everyone. My middle child who is now 6 was also in daycare and he had ADHD as well as speech problems and the staff were wonderful. He sometimes needed time alone so when he got out of hand a staff member would take him to the hall and talk to him. They also told me exactly how they resolved the issue and we all worked closely together to ensure he received the best care and to help him bhecome successful. After 3 years of speech and behavior therapy my son is 1000 times better. Also, all my childrens daycares informed any parent if their child was hit by another child and the steps they took to ensure this never happened again. If I were you I would look for another daycare for my child to go to. I used the YMCA daycares (Canada) and loved them. Daycare and pre school are suppossed to be positive experiences and not a battle.

Lynn - posted on 06/25/2012

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I would just give it time. I've worked with kids for 24 years, and it takes some kids longer to adjust than others. Some kids cry when they have to leave, some cry when they arrive, and some kids cry both times. I've heard lots of "stories" about things that go on at home (that I know are NOT true), so I know to be cautious about what I believe. I've heard "I went to Disneyland yesterday," "I saw my Grandma today" and many others that could potentially have been true, but when I asked the parents, were not.

Kids also only tell one side of the story. A child will often say someone hit them, but won't mention that they took their toy first. Not condoning it, just saying they won't tell you what happened leading up to it. I always try to tell a parent when something like that happens, but I don't see everything, or remember to mention it every single time.

I would talk to the teachers, and find out if there's an explanation you're not aware of, and it may make you feel better. When the teacher said that your son has a temper, and you asked what she meant, you shouldn't be annoyed that she was honest with you. I always say that if you don't want to hear the answer, you shouldn't ask the question! It sounds like he was a little defiant, and she only told you after you asked. I'm sure he'll learn the rules, but you should be supportive and talk to your son about doing what the teachers ask.

I would give it a few more weeks and see if your son settles down, makes some friends, and starts enjoying the experience. Side note- kids who only attend one or two days a week, or only a few half-days ALWAYS take longer to get used to the routine. They're just not there often enough to get the full experience, and settle in quickly. If you pull him out right away, you'll teach him that when he doesn't like something, he'll just stay home with you, which won't work when he goes to Kindergarten. He needs the interraction and education in a structured, group environment, before he's in a big classroom ad totally lost.

Louise - posted on 06/24/2012

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I would bring it to the attention of the staff that your son is not happy with being hit by another child and allow them to deal with it. I have to say it is a fine line between getting involved and stepping back. Your son will have a few problems before settling in and what you have described so far seems like teething problems. Children do exaggerate lots and tell fibs. Just becareful that you know what is going on before you go and accuse all sorts of things. You have to remember that your son probably resents being there for now because it is strange to him. Give it at least a term before you think about moving him again. Putting him in another nursery may not stop the problems if the problem is really your son adjusting. Give him time to settle and then if you are still concerned find another nursery and see what happends.

Amy - posted on 06/24/2012

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We never did daycare we used preschool as a learning experience for our son to get ready for kindergarten. Have you since spoken to the daycare provider to see how your son is adjusting? Have you asked her if what your son says about being hit with toys is true, she may feel its not a big deal if your son isn't injured but you could let her know that you would prefer to hear this from her and not your son.

If you're concerned about your child than yes you should start looking. But I think some of these situations are a kid trying to navigate through new social situations. My son is now 6 and he knows that some kids aren't nice but we've taught him to try and avoid them as well as to notify an adult who can help.

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