Krystal - posted on 05/27/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )
Some of you may already know the whole story & for those that don't you can find it in my post labeled 'NEED HELP IMMEDIATELY' so you can get caught up.
I'm still searching & have a couple of friends who know people in high places. I can assure you that she will be counseled, probably play therapy, as soon as I find someone I feel comfortable with.
You must understand that I was adopted & my adoptive mom is a woman devoid of love for anything that she hasn't known since infantry. She got me at 2, when I was able to say no & go against what she wanted, & I was verbally, emotionally, physically, & mentally abused. I had a cousin who was passive aggressive & manipulative who would use my adoration of her against me to get me to rub her genital area through the underwear. She never touched me & I never touched skin. However, it was terrible & made me sick to my stomach. If I had nothing else to go on ( which I do) just my daughter saying "I felt like I was gonna throwed up but I had to let him cause he let me touch him" would give me reason to believe what she was saying.
That being said, my adoptive mother constantly put me in counseling & to say my experiences were harrowing is an understatement. No, my fears will not prevent me from getting my daughter professional help. However, I have every right to choose who I feel comfortable enough with to place my daughter's psychological, emotional, mental, & further down the line, sexual, health or future well being in their hands.
Well, since reading all of your comments, every bit of info written on the web about sibling sexual abuse & regular child sexual abuse, sitting my daughter down & finding much more happened than originally thought, I thought I'd give you all an update. Hold on to your stomach's and sanity because it's a doozie.
I sent a very frank & sometimes brutally honest letter to my stepson's mother giving her one more chance to join me or I'd call CPS. I sent this letter to her mother & sister as well because I didn't want my words to get twisted. I told her I didn't want to go through CPS because, if there was even a chance of it, I didn't want my stepson to have to go through the very scary experience of being removed from the home. I also didn't want her baby 1 year old son to be frightened either. Well, f*@k me for being considerate.
Let me just say this real quick; Facebook is the way I connect with most of my extended family & all of my friends. My profile & wall are blocked for friends only. I have every right to air any laundry I want to as long as some of the clothing has been worn by me or any of mine. I didn't name anyone's name other than my daughter's. I didn't point fingers. I didn't give explicit details or even name acts. I didn't quote the conversations or threats or coercion between my kids. I was vague in my recap. I recapped it because I was flabbergasted by the reaction I got to a letter I wrote that was from the heart & even offered my support telling my stepson's mom I would walk with her through this & that I loved them all.
Her mother responded to my letter by telling me I needed medical help. That I am NOT family, have no rights to my stepson, my stepson wants nothing to do with me, says I always want to start trouble, is better off with out me, that I only see things my way but they all know better, I only want to be the center of attention so I'm making up disgusting lies about an innocent child, that CPS has opened a case against me, that they are putting my stepson in counseling because I've traumatized him with my unspeakable allegations, a restraining order has been recommended against me, the cops have been called & shown my letters/messages, & that I should hate myself for accusing a baby of the unfounded allegations I'm throwing at him & being the reason why my daughter will lose her brother & my husband has lost his son. She feels I should of just shut my big mouth when they told me to.
To my letter his mother responded by telling me to do whatever I wanted because she already called CPS on me for causing emotional & psychological damage to her son with my accusations. She & her sister basically told me the same thing in response to that letter.
I've made it so the posts I made on facebook are visible to those here on circle of moms because I've been receiving mail from someone I've never heard of & my stepson's Uncle's new wife. Letters that refer to me as a druggy on welfare who has a disturbed 5 year old who must take after her mother. That was from the woman I don't know. My stepson's Aunt-in-law basically told me what everyone else has, accusing me of lying & being sick for it. She, along with my stepson's Aunt, felt I shouldn't be talking so openly about what's going on & it angers me that they are so worried about what my friends & family will think of their family when they need to read what I'm saying & see that my stepson gets the help he needs.
They've threatened to sue me for slander, harassment, & causing emotional distress to his Aunt-in-law because her husband is on his first deployment & she's a wreck even though she tried requesting access to my page after I took his other Aunt off & cut their ability all together to read my postings. All I did was respond to her nasty accusations against me. Apparently, I've caused emotional damage to my stepson & his mother so they want to sue for that too. Supposedly, due to the Navy ties of my stepson's Uncle, they will be provided with free Naval lawyers who never lose.
In summation, I replied to each and every message or comment made on my wall or sent to my messages from all 5 of these women coming at me. Every time I responded I remained consistent in my story, insistent in the need for professional intervention, persistent in my conviction, & I also maintained a respectful & to the point factual tone no matter what they said. Well, until the in law kept saying it didn't make sense that I would still want my stepson to come over even though he hurt my daughter because, were it her daughter, she wouldn't let the attacker near her so I must be lying or a really bad mother. Since I'm talking publicly ( to my friends & family) on facebook I must be a bad mother.
In my response to that atrocity I did curse but it was only when emphasizing the love I have for my son. I mean, what do I do? Turn him away? Stop loving him? Deny it is happening & not seek help or raise awareness? THAT'S A BAD MOM!
I feel totally alone. I feel like nobody understands how hard it is to keep reminding myself it's not his fault. Especially when I know he's hearing what they are planning on doing to me & that they are calling me & his sister a liar & he's not doing anything to stop it. He knows what he did & he knows I'm not lying yet he's allowing them to call CPS & the cops on me! IT'S SO FUCKING HARD TO NOT BLAME HIM! Yes, I love him, that's the only reason why I'm pushing them so hard. But I have to be honest, we only get to see him 1 day a week, we pay 300-500 a month in child support, & when we do have him he molests our daughter @ the first opportunity! I'm a horrible person & even worse mother because on days where I'm getting shit on by 5 women, 1 I've never met, & I have asked myself more than once if he's worth it.
I ASKED MYSELF IF A CHILD, MY STEPSON, WAS WORTH THE ABUSE I'M TAKING FROM THESE WOMEN!
I'm almost out of strength & it pisses me off because I know that my maternal instincts & love for my babies will fuel my strength so I'll never run out, rather, I'm just stuck feeling like I'm teetering on the edge of giving up.
It's very difficult to stay strong in your convictions, fight for a child who is lying knowing the damage it's causing for me, fight for a child whose family is attacking me & verbally/emotionally/mentally tearing me down, & meeting with denial, resistance, ignorance, arrogance, negligence, & all the while trying to figure out how to encourage my baby girl that honesty is the best policy when she sees that her telling the truth resulted in all this chaos.
I'm shielding her from most of it but not all of it because if she asks me I'm not going to lie. HOWEVER I am focusing on 2 things right now;
1. Everyday I'm making sure that my daughter knows she is brave & a rare breed to be able to come talk to me about what she did. I am constantly telling her how amazing she is & we are spending a lot of time talking about our feelings. I try not to let her hear or see me crying or upset but she's pretty intuitive where I'm concerned. I'm also very loud so she's caught some of it. I am confident in the way I'm handling this where she's concerned & with this last statement she made to me when she found me crying from the letter I got from the stranger I realized I'm doing something right in my parenting skills.....get ready to die...
She told me "mommy, I'm not guilty cause I'm not lying. I'm just as much to fault as brother cause I let it happen. But, it's ok cause I told the truth. I don't know why he's a bad brother to me. I don't know why is mommy & nana say you're a druggy cause it's called drug addict & you have doctor's pills so she doesn't know what she's talking about. Let me tell you what though I don't want to talk to the police! You should just call his mom & tell her that you don't want her to call you anymore & say have a nice day goodbye!
2. Raising awareness to my friends & family because it's the stigma surrounding sexual abuse on a child & the reluctance to talk openly & publicly about it that provides the offenders a taboo to hide behind.
3. Because she called CPS to open a case I decided not to call them also. I may be wrong about this but let me give you my reasoning. I want her to call CPS on me. I want her to ask them to evaluate her son & the damage my allegations have caused him because she'll end up hanging herself. A therapist will see the truth & the methods she used to take me out will blow up in her face. She works FT & goes to college on line FT & on her days off the boys are in school or with her mom. She isn't really hands on emotionally with either kid. My stepson has had trouble with stealing, fire, & breaking windows. Over there. Over here the only thing wrong he did was molest my daughter but I don't think he even understands why he does it.
Other than that though he doesn't act out at all when he's with us. I've told her I admire her work ethic & thought she was doing a good job juggling being a single mom of 2 w/school & work. I still feel that way. However, I think it's crap that she doesn't spend every free minute, or at least 15 minutes, doing hands on things with her boys, disciplining my stepson when he lights a bathroom on fire shuts the door & continues watching cartoons not saying a word instead of taking him to Sea World 2 days later, & complimenting him or just giving him emotional nurturing. He shouldn't ask me what talented means. He shouldn't be surprised when he's told how good he is at whatever he's doing. He shouldn't hear he's handsome & funny & an all around great kid only from his Nana sometimes.
I don't know, I'm losing my momentum with each accusation & name I'm called. I don't have much support & even in my safe zone where I live w/my dad & husband & daughter, I'm meeting resistance & denial from my father. I have no safe place where I'm told I'm not crazy & I'm not a liar & I'm doing things the right way. I need to hear that I can scream it from the rooftops (no graphic details) to anyone & everyone & I can't be sued for slander or emotional damage. I need someone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing & to keep doing it. I need I need I need! It's so not about me but it seems that's all I say. How shitty right?
I think I'm losing my mind. Either that, or, I'm a needy needy greedy bio-ta-shay.