What age does a child need to be to decide to not visit the other non-custodial parent in divorced families? IE. They visit everyother weekend and Wed. for 2 hours. My daughter (almost 9) would like to stay with me instead of going to her dads.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/19/2009 ( 41 moms have responded )

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My daughter would like to stay home instead of going to her fathers every other weekend. She is almost 9 years old. Her younger brother Braden likes to go. But she has asked for the last year when she will be able to decide if she wants to go or not. Does anyone know the age? Or had a similar experience. The children live with me and visit him every other weekend, on Wed for 2 hours and every other holiday.

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Chasidy - posted on 05/09/2014

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i have a thirteen year old daughter who is supposed to see her dad every other weekend and she doesn't want to go anymore. Her dad never picks her up. His parents do and she doesn't stay with him at all. She has to spend the weekend at his parents house. As grandparents she should see them when she wants not be made every other weekend. Do i have to allow his parents to pick her up? Does she have to go if he isn't the one spending time with her?

Michelle - posted on 11/15/2013

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The age limit to choose if the child wants to go or not is 12. Forcing the child to go see the other parent could lead to abandonment issues with the parent in custody and the trust and bond would be broken. If the child feels uncomfortable going to see their father/mother then you should absolutely not make them go!! Children have their own feelings and they have a choice in some matters and this is one of them.

Sinan - posted on 04/04/2014

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Why is it always the assumption that there is something wrong with the father? Why has no one entertained the idea that some custodial parents, often mothers, will coerce thee children, whether consciously or unconsciously, into not wanting to see the father.

Sorry, but unless the father is abusive, there is NO reason for the children not to visit their fathers. I suggest many here need to read up on Hostile Agressive Parenting, which is usually done by the custodial parent. It is now listed as child abuse.

Children will always see themselves as one half of their parents. It is not healthy at all for children to dislike or distance themselves from one parent. It will negatively impact that child for the rest of their lives. If they hate one of their parents, they will hate a part of themselves.

I suggest everyone get over themselves here and do what is best for the children. That seems to be what is missing here. If you child doesnt want to see the non custodial parent one of the first things you need to do, as the custodial parent, is to ask yourself if you have done things that might have encouraged this response in your children.

Michelle - posted on 01/19/2009

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It is pretty common about this age. My daughter went through a faze like this. I did let her skip a few times (after speaking with her dad and he didn't want to force her). Then I decided she needed to go to preserve her relationship with him. I told her she would have to talk to him and explain why she didn't want to and they worked it out. My friends daughter was doing alternate weeks at each parents house and 10 wanted to live with mom and see dad every other weekend. My friend had her daughter tell him herself and her and her ex worked it out the details. Try to have your daughter talk to her dad, and then maybe you and your ex can talk and come-up with a solution that keeps her close to her dad and lets her fell comfortable. Good Luck!

Kristy - posted on 09/13/2010

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depends what state you are in my neice was 9 and the coourt didnt make her go back to c her day because his wife was so mean to her in texas if they dnt want to go you dont have to make them the other parent has to take you back to court for contempt and 9 chances out of 10 yhey wont take you back to court

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Dear Aly,
I had almost exactly your same situation. You need to tell your mom how you feel. You should also tell your dad because, believe it or not, he may not know how much he is hurting you. Your parents love you very, very much and wont know how you're feeling if you don't tell them. I think you are old enough to change the situation you are in. If your mother goes to court and files papers, you won't be forced to go spend time with your father. Remember though, this is cutting someone very important out of your life. I know you are in an extremely difficult situation but maybe you and your dad could come up with another plan. Maybe just some time with the three of you(your brother, your dad and you) for a day on the weekend? I'll be praying for you sweetie, but above all, know that the way your dad is acting has nothing to do with you. You are still the beautiful, kind, perfect child that you were before any of this started. He is responsible for his actions but he is not making them because of anything that you have done wrong. Don't believe that ANY of this is because of you or your fault. It's not. God bless you sweet girl. ♥

Pam - posted on 06/25/2014

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I believe that if you're unsure, get professional support or talk it out loud with someone to better understand your position as the supporting parent. No decision will feel easy.
As for all the comments being made they appear to stem from parents personal experiences and not based on fact so have an opened mind and take what info makes sense and leave the rest. There are always special circumstances and they need to be honoured.
Children need to be heard and understood. The situation needs to be assessed carefully and communication is key all around.
Trust your gut. As a mother where one child is going and the other wishes not too, I'm guessing some one on one parenting time is needed to explore what's got your daughter wanting to stay with home with you.
Getting the support as you go through this will help you feel stronger and less alone.

Pam Blanchard

Aly - posted on 06/16/2014

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It depends on what state you are in, but generally a child needs to be 12 or older before they can plainly refuse to go, and the court/police will not compel them. Unless there are drugs, alcohol, abuse involved, your daughter might have to wait a few more years.

Rose - posted on 06/08/2014

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Aly, I am so sorry you feel you are in this situation, First it sounds like you haven't spoke to your parents about your feelings, sometimes us adults we need to be told when we have hurt you somehow, we are not perfect. If you feel you cannot talk to them.....please speak to an adult you trust, maybe the school counselor, principal or a trusted family member who will help you share your feelings. It sounds like your parents tried to do everything right and I am sure it is because they care for you so much. Please do not be sad in silence. I am not sure what state you live in so I do not know what the courts age requirements are, but I do think you need to tell them about your feelings first.....even a court will ask you if you tried to work it out with your parents...good luck with everything.

Evelyn - posted on 06/08/2014

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From the posts I have seen, it depends on the state, the laws of that state, and the situation of the children and parents involved. It is important to state first and foremost that all parents and kids need the chance to have that relationship no matter who has primary custody and who does not whether its full custody or joint custody. Where I live its around 14 or 15 when a kid can decide to not go see the other parent on visits. Until they are in their teens mostly, kids have to go.

Rose - posted on 06/08/2014

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This concept is great in a perfect world, which it is not. The courts, have been ruling NO matter what the circumstances are for co parenting, which in theory is great. Unfortunately, what has happened is children have had no voice after all isn't this about the child, NOW, you may want to disagree with me....but in 2012 in the state of CA. The Family Code 3042 was implemented giving children 14 and under a voice, their feelings matter. Two loving parents do not have to like each other, but love their children should listen to the kids thoughts and do things slowly if necessary, and not out of spite to each other this will build lasting relationships with their children. You must remember some parents have been out of the picture for quite sometime, may of had dependency issues etc. and then there are those who have been great! Each situation varies in reference to spending time with the non custodial parent, and what the child has been thru. Visitation is not black and white I am so glad the courts in ca. agree.

Patrick - posted on 06/06/2014

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Depends on the state you are in. In Texas, when a child is 16 or 17, the court tends to be more flexible, meaning they are leaning more towards the interests of the child of that age rather than the parent(s). My daughter is 13 (she will be 14 this August) and she wants to stay with me all the time rather than her mother. But I keep reminding her that it is important to maintain a relationship with her mother. Hope this helps.

Aly - posted on 06/06/2014

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Okay so I am almost fourteen years-old, and I'm wondering how old I have to be to decide not to go to my father's house. My parents divorced when I was 4, and they decided that I would go to my dad's house everyother weekend and he woul pay half of my bills. (medical, school, etc.) Well 5 years ago my dad married my stepmom, and they had a baby girl (she already had a 4 year-old son with some other man). He stopped calling, coming to concerts, and he basically ignores me. He stopped paying money for the bills, but yet he buys a new house, a boat, and a new car! He also dropped me off at my cousin's so he could go drink with his wife, and I was there the whole weekend! His wife also finds some way to insult me wheneve I'm there. I spent SOO many nights crying silently so no one would hear me, and I just want the pain to end. How old do I have to be to stop going to my father's house?

Patrick - posted on 06/05/2014

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Hello. I am a father who recently got primary custody of my two wonderful kids, 12 year old son and 13 year old daughter. I grew up without a father, so i know how important a father is to a child's life. I believe that trying to work things out with the other parent is the best thing to do. However, that didn't work out with mine. Somehow both my children do not want to go to their Mother's weekend visitation. My son would cry sometimes if he knows he is not staying with me for the weekend. So I asked both of them why.

They both told me the same thing. My son said he does not get along with his half-brothers (two of them, whom have different fathers each) and now that their mother gave birth to another baby (whom is from another different father), they are not getting the attention they deserve. Also, their mother has her boyfriend in the house most of the time lately.

So my question is this: How should I tell my children about how important it is to have a relationship with their mother? I grew up with only my mother and she focused on me and being a great parent.

Any advice would be helpful. Thx

Kathy - posted on 05/30/2014

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I am the grandmother of 3 grandchildren, the child who does not want to have anything to do with her father is now 12 and will be 13 soon. Although I raised her, since her mother being a single parent had to work and we all lived together. Since she was 6 years old she has been asking me when she could tell a judge she never had wanted to see him but my daughter allowed her to spend the weekend with him and whom ever he was with at the time. He has never payed child support as my daughter until lately did not go to court to force him to. The papers are making there way through the system now but that is aside from her not wanting to visit him. When he does ask to get her for the weekend it is always an argument between myself and my daughter, all he does is play video games while his girlfriend of the month looks after my grandaughter. I realize since I am not her legal guardian her mother would have to do the work, which I would help her with. I talked to my grandaughter last night (5/29/2014) and explained to her that once she does not want to have anything to do with him and he is made aware of this by a judge, even if it does not go her way, he is a vindictive ass, he will make her life miserable so she needed to really think about whether she really wants to go that far, but she is sure it is what she wants. Any advice?

Terrie Lynn - posted on 05/29/2014

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I feel that children benefit positively in many areas in their lives when both parents are involved positively. However, this is a controversial world and in some cases it is in the child's best interest that one or both parents are not involved. But, when it is the children who do not want to visit the custodial parent we need to ask ourselves why? Badmouthing, brainwashing, and bashing is becoming more and more a concern in today's court rooms. One parent literally poisons the children s souls into feelings of hate, blame, and accusations to severe any relationship that the parent may have had with the children. In truth, if your child refuses to see the other parent regardless of the reason, then that child needs a therapist to help the child deal with his/her feelings. It is not in the best interest of your child to be able to make such a life changing decision on her/his own and that is why they have parents; to guide them in making the right decisions.

Shawnn - posted on 05/24/2014

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Janet, you do realize that the 'magic' age differs by state, by country, by continent, do you not? Please do some further research, because it seems you missed that...

Janet - posted on 05/16/2014

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from what i heard and looked up the answer is at the age of 13 the child can decide but when my sister was 12 she moved in with my auntie and my mum could not do anything about it. i am still searching on this matter for advice for a friend with the same problem so if i find any more advice i will try to add more later

Cheryl - posted on 05/16/2014

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Hoping I can comment to this.

My kids are 18, 15 and 10. Their dad and I have been divorced for two years now and sunday my oldest will turn 18. I find out today that he didn't expect to see or hear from her again after she turned 18 but was hoping for two more weekends. his past two weekends she hasn't wanted to go and since she is a minor he was going to force the issue. He didn't get his way. I have told him i will try to talk to her to see if I can get her to go and see him in two weeks.

My 15 yr old son has decided he no longer wants to go see his dad. or at least not every time it is his weekend. If he tries to tell his dad no his dad will just tell him he has no other choice. and make our son go with him. the youngest (10) still has feelings for his dad so it might be a while before I have to deal with this with him. I need help on what to do. I have talked to my attorney and he says 18 has every right to do as she pleases even now. But the boys he wasn't very clear on. your thoughts?

Lindsey - posted on 05/14/2014

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My daughter is 7 yrs. old and we live Alabama. Her father sees her when it's convenient for him. We actually got in an argument a few weeks ago because she cries to come home and I told him that's because he's not consistent with his visitation. Well, this coming weekend is his and I called him and explained that she has registration for cheer and it takes 1-2 hours and will coat $160.00. And on Sunday she needs to be at church by 930 for her last religion class. I went on to explain that when it's his weekend she misses her religion class but does not want to miss this one because it's the last one and they are having a party. He went into his spill about why he can't take her to do anything (he doesn't do anything UNLESS he benefits from it). He said he doesn't mind if she skips but he doesn't want me getting mad because his visitation is not consistent.

My daughter cries for days when she knows that she has to go to his house. All he does is drink beer with his friends and spend no quality time whatsoever with her. He also has two boys from a previous marriage. The oldest is 15 yrs. old and the youngest about 11 maybe. They don't like going but they get to decide since they are older.

I've spoke with my attorney and she tells me there's really nothing I can do to prove that's he's drinking unless I hire a private investigator and I just don't have that kind of money.

Any suggestions on what I can do?

Paul - posted on 05/06/2014

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I hope someone can help.

My daughter is 6. She has not wanted to go see her mom since she was 2. Since she could say no. I've was told I had to take her or I would be in contempt of court. Mom does has an abusive history of domestic violence and with emotional abuse of her other children. Physical abuse as well but she got away with it. Although she did lose custody of that child. She will hold on to me and not let go. Her mom as to pull are off me to go with her. On the school days that I don't pick her up she fights to go to school. The night before she will tell me, that she is going to fight me. I've been to court so many times to get to relief, because her lies are believable. Not only that she been yelling at her and accusing me of things to make my daughter believe her and say that for me not to tell mom she told me. (scared) Mom said it a secret and don't tell anyone. Her mom neglects her by not giving the child prescribed medication. Actually admitted to it in court over a couple of month. I am concern that my child looks at me with the sadest face as she waves good by, not wanting to go. From what I've read above, some parent have gotten relief. When you know that you do nothing but encourage your child to spend time with the other parent and you don't bad mouth team, then what is wrong. I am at my wits end and I am considering very strongly to contact Dr. Phil. My child is and has been emotional damaged. I even had a Psychologist say, that this patient has been damage and do not live child with mom. WHAT CAN I DO. HOW LONG DOES MY CHILD HAVE TO SUFFER. I am afraid if I contact Dr. Phil, will I lose custody for going public. All I know is it hurts for me to see my child live under these circumstances. I am seeking advice and will make a decision to contact Dr. Phil

I've also thought to go into the police station, but if I do, I am afraid of when she does get the child, how will she emotional abuse or manipulate her to not want to come to Dad. She done this in the past but now that the child is older, that does not work as well.

Some one please help a loving father.

Lyndsay - posted on 05/06/2014

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Hi all my ex and i have been apart for three years now and he just makes my life hell hes given my six year old daughter a mobile phone and rings morning and night well trys to now as i was seeing a diffrence in my daughter with me he has my kids every other weekend sat till sunday and always get abuse off him and his parnter saying im a bad mum and my kids always come bk upset it takes a few days for them to get bk to normal and there happy selfs but as soon as they go to stay there i get the crap he threatens to get joint custody and solicitours letters are comming but still awaiting them has anbody had this with there exme and the kids just wanna get on with our lifes instead of all this crap x

Joe - posted on 05/04/2014

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Winning Your Case Depends On You
By Joseph Goldberg, Consultant

Anyone fighting over child custody, visitation
rights or, decision making as a non-custodial
parent should listen closely, because there are
not a lot of professionals that give advise to
lawyers in quite the way that I do.

In high conflict divorce and separation cases,
if a parent makes a false allegation of abuse
or destabilizes a child's trust in the other
parent or exposes the child to adult information
or badmouths the other parent to the child or
interferes with visit-
ation or blocks a child from telephone access
or uses a sibling to interfere with the other
parents authority, then this parent is program-
ming the child with parental alienation.

If you haven't heard about parental alienation,
you have a lot to learn. I would recommend
you google: parental alienation education.
For others that know about it and continue to
litigate and re-litigate this issue without
success, let me explain why things aren't get-
ting better.

Spoiler Alert
This is going to sound self-serving but it
doesn't make it any less true.

# 1 reason why things are not getting better:

You depend on a lawyer that's not getting any
input from an expert in parental alienation, or
the situation is worse you're acting pro per. I
want you to know there's a far better solution
but it requires making a crucial decision.

A. decision to hire a consultant.

When you hire a consultant, they can tell you,
“what is parental alienation” and “ what isn't
parental alienation. “ Unless you don't really
care, and if you don't care, you're only hold-
ing yourself back. Is that fair to you ?


Judges are not interested in two parents that
are totally at opposite ends in their parenting
style and polarized. That won't help any
parent-child relational problem. Judges in this
scenario will tune you out and look to appoint
some type of professional to give them guid-
ance i.e., a lawyer for the child, a mediator, a
parenting co -ordinator, a child therapist, a
custody evaluator, a supervisor of visitation, a
family therapist or a judge could decide to
empower a child to choose whether or not to
see or communicate with a parent they reject.


Many parents cannot afford a lawyer because
they believe that it will cost more than they can
afford. Sadly that is not always true because
they may have money but they're just not sure
how far that money can go. You need a
consultant to answer that concern.. In this
situation a parent can hire a consultant to select
a lawyer to work with them in an unbundled
legal services agreement.

When this happens two things start to change.

The first thing to change is that you now have a
lawyer and the other thing to change is that you
now have the best lawyer you could ever hope
to find. Why ? Because your consultant gives
the lawyer the input he or she needs to win
your case. I've been involved in many cases of
David versus Goliath, and I've seen the lawyer
with the $1,000. hourly rate lose. Money doesn't
win in court, the better argument does.

A competent lawyer becomes a very good law-
yer because of the input he or she receives
from the consultant. Stop looking for parental
alienation lawyers and focus on finding a
consultant available to help.

By the way, I define a win as an intervention
that restores and repairs the bond between the
alienated child and the rejected parent. A win
is not defined by getting sole custody or get -
ting 50/50 time sharing.


Still wondering why you need a consultant ?


Lawyers are not going to admit their short-
comings because if they did you would be look-
ing for a better lawyer. So they won't admit
that in your particular case they haven't got a
clue where to begin.

A lawyer will not spend the time or bill you for
the time it takes to identify the cause of the
ruptured relationships within your family. There
are only two ways to get to that answer; a full
psychological evaluation of all the members of
the family, or hire a consultant with an expertise
in parental child relational problems. The later is
less costly, and provides voluminous additional
help.

Did your lawyer screw the pooch in selecting a
mental health professional to begin counseling
for your child and or for your family ? Did your
lawyer come to some backdoor agreement with
the opposing counsel to select a mental health
professional without you knowing who they are
or even why they were agreed to ?

Are you stuck in a situation where a mental
health professional is actually making things
worse,not better ?

If that sounds like your situation then of course
you need to hire a consultant, because if you
don't, things will change again, your parent-
child relationship is going to get much worse
and that is not even the worst part, the worst
part is that your child won't be getting the treat-
ment they need for themselves. Can you turn
your back on your child, and give up knowing
that ?

Please call a consultant before you do.

Cases often have mental health professionals
with the best of intentions practicing outside
their areas of expertise, it's unethical, it's un-
professional, but getting them to step aside so
a competent practitioner can take their place is
not going to happen hiring a consultant.

Trust me when I say that if this is your reality
today, you're in the quicksand and I'm the one
trying to throw you the rope.

Many times a parent will ask me during a
consultation if I will talk to their lawyer before
they hire me and I say no. Lawyers do not
understand what I do, and cannot recommend
someone that provides a service they're not
that familiar with and why should they ?

I will tell you this much, after I have read the
case files I do talk to their lawyers and as soon
as they hear my strategy in the case they're
grateful for my involvement.

That is why your case depends on you. Nobody
can tell you if its smart to hire a consultant but
you.

I also know when a parent calls for a consult-
tion just to get a little free advice. Often times
a parent pretends to be a parent of an alien-
ated child and they aren't, they just want a few
tips or an advantage over the other parent,
some have been accused of alienation and want
to know what to expect.

It's not that different when a lawyer tells an
alienating parent they can't help them to seize
custody unless they can get some proof that the
other parent is a really bad parent or proof that
the child is in fear of the other parent, even if it'
might be totally untrue.

The truth is that parents are falsely accused of
parental alienation just the same as parents are
falsely accused of child abuse. I have the good
fortune of helping parents on both sides of this
issue. When you're accused of alienation you
need a consultant to rule it in or to rule it out.
Taking a chance without a consultant is a sure
bet that you'll get a poor outcome in court, it's
all up to you.

Nobody can guarantee that you will win your
case, but let me put it this way, your best option
is to hire that consultant. Share this article.
Visit my website at www.ParentalAlienation.ca

Jimmy - posted on 04/18/2014

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I went too court two days ago, My 17 years old been with me since he was 3 month's old , The mom want's play mommy now, The Judge told me I had too make him go too his mom, or he would put me in Jail, I told him I was not going make my boy go spend time with his mom, if he dont want too, He told me I was the dad I was going too or else so I guess I will be going too jail cause I am not going too make my child do this.

Shawnn - posted on 04/04/2014

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I'd like to point out to mr. Prather: Owning guns does not an irresponsible parent make.

But nice of you to bash on your wife's ex, and try to put the focus on gun ownership, rather than the children.


You need to quit making this about how bad you think your wife's ex is, and make it about what's important for the development of the kids. If your wife's children wish to make a plea, have your wife request a guardian ad lietem for them.

Sinan - posted on 04/04/2014

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Why is it always the assumption that there is something wrong with the father? Why has no one entertained the idea that some custodial parents, often mothers, will coerce thee children, whether consciously or unconsciously, into not wanting to see the father.

Sorry, but unless the father is abusive, there is NO reason for the children not to visit their fathers. I suggest many here need to read up on Hostile Agressive Parenting, which is usually done by the custodial parent. It is now listed as child abuse.

Children will always see themselves as one half of their parents. It is not healthy at all for children to dislike or distance themselves from one parent. It will negatively impact that child for the rest of their lives. If they hate one of their parents, they will hate a part of themselves.

I suggest everyone get over themselves here and do what is best for the children. That seems to be what is missing here. If you child doesnt want to see the non custodial parent one of the first things you need to do, as the custodial parent, is to ask yourself if you have done things that might have encouraged this response in your children.

Jennifer - posted on 01/20/2014

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Children can't decide to stop seeing the other parent, at least not in Illinois. Unless court ordered. You need to make her go. Tell her everything will be ok, let her call you if there are issues, never talk bad about the other parent, ask the other parent to meet with the child for a meal at first then work back into the regular visits.. See if he will go to counseling with her.. You can't or shouldn't allow her to stop the visits unless he is abusive..

Bryan - posted on 01/13/2014

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Seems to me that most people assume its just a phase kids go through. Our two are absolutely afraid of their father. He has a terrible temper. My wife got a restraining order put on him for one year when he followed them home aggressively from exchanging the kids. Police went to his home and confiscated a boat load of ammo, and Ak 47 assault rifle and two other guns. He has been arrested before concealing a gun illegally and I do not know what led to that arrest being made. One week after his restraining order he threatened me aggresively inside the court room at a hearing to get his guns back and guess what? The judge gave it them back! We live in NC. The girls are 11 and 14. They started begging us to please let them talk to a judge. They do not want to see him. He has never harmed them physically because he knows how far he can push the law. He does the same with me by not using the words fight or hit when he confronts me verbally in public therefore making it hard to get him charged with communicating a threat. I am very disappointed in the justice system when it comes to advocating for kids. We have asked for a hearing to modify the visitation and fight for what the girls want. We have never encouraged them nor coerced in any way to do this. In fact we have done the opposite and tried to make it work. They don't even want to have his name as their last name. They are smart girls, very mature and very little trouble. We do not allow them free reign when it comes to important decisions. We are parents very involved in our girls lives. The judge we have that will hear our case has told attorneys before, "don't you all bring kids into my courtroom." While I can understand this, at the same time how else can they be heard? Video interview by judge? Yes, but do you think the father will agree to that? No way. We have no issue with it. So do we risk pissing off the judge so the girls can be heard? They deserve the right to be heard. Why should they be silenced because they are kids? We can't speak for them because it is hearsay unless they say it themselves. Isn't that wonderful. These are not kids acting like spoiled brats. The father hasn't paid child support in three years and is trying to get disability. As long as he keeps getting and appealing the turn downs on disability, he doesn't have to pay anything. He is thousands behind. I personally don't need his money but the law says he is to pay and he works the system to keep manipulating everything. He has continually said to the girls that a judgement day is coming. The judges evidently don't think thats a big deal. He said he would hunt my wife down one day and blow her fng brains out. That doesn't matter either. He still gets his visits and even has a contempt charge on us becasue we were on vacation that we told him about during the summer and he missed one weekend of his visit. He is suing us for attorney fees as well and retained the most expensive atty in the county. We really don't know what to do. I kind of feel like our atty is not aggressive enough. He says that it is very unlikely the judge will stop the visits. This isn't a phase and its not two little girls not getting their way. It is very serious. We fear for them, I fear for my wife, and it looks like things will go in his favor more than theirs. Any help? We are in NC. Our hearing is in 30 days. Please and thank you anyone.

Bryan - posted on 01/13/2014

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Seems to me that most people assume its just a phase kids go through. Our two are absolutely afraid of their father. He has a terrible temper. My wife got a restraining order put on him for one year when he followed them home aggressively from exchanging the kids. Police went to his home and confiscated a boat load of ammo, and Ak 47 assault rifle and two other guns. He has been arrested before concealing a gun illegally and I do not know what led to that arrest being made. One week after his restraining order he threatened me aggresively inside the court room at a hearing to get his guns back and guess what? The judge gave it them back! We live in NC. The girls are 11 and 14. They started begging us to please let them talk to a judge. They do not want to see him. He has never harmed them physically because he knows how far he can push the law. He does the same with me by not using the words fight or hit when he confronts me verbally in public therefore making it hard to get him charged with communicating a threat. I am very disappointed in the justice system when it comes to advocating for kids. We have asked for a hearing to modify the visitation and fight for what the girls want. We have never encouraged them nor coerced in any way to do this. In fact we have done the opposite and tried to make it work. They don't even want to have his name as their last name. They are smart girls, very mature and very little trouble. We do not allow them free reign when it comes to important decisions. We are parents very involved in our girls lives. The judge we have that will hear our case has told attorneys before, "don't you all bring kids into my courtroom." While I can understand this, at the same time how else can they be heard? Video interview by judge? Yes, but do you think the father will agree to that? No way. We have no issue with it. So do we risk pissing off the judge so the girls can be heard? They deserve the right to be heard. Why should they be silenced because they are kids? We can't speak for them because it is hearsay unless they say it themselves. Isn't that wonderful. These are not kids acting like spoiled brats. The father hasn't paid child support in three years and is trying to get disability. As long as he keeps getting and appealing the turn downs on disability, he doesn't have to pay anything. He is thousands behind. I personally don't need his money but the law says he is to pay and he works the system to keep manipulating everything. He has continually said to the girls that a judgement day is coming. The judges evidently don't think thats a big deal. He said he would hunt my wife down one day and blow her fng brains out. That doesn't matter either. He still gets his visits and even has a contempt charge on us becasue we were on vacation that we told him about during the summer and he missed one weekend of his visit. He is suing us for attorney fees as well and retained the most expensive atty in the county. We really don't know what to do. I kind of feel like our atty is not aggressive enough. He says that it is very unlikely the judge will stop the visits. This isn't a phase and its not two little girls not getting their way. It is very serious. We fear for them, I fear for my wife, and it looks like things will go in his favor more than theirs. Any help? We are in NC. Our hearing is in 30 days. Please and thank you anyone.

Shawnn - posted on 11/15/2013

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@ Michelle Lions:

The age in the area the YOU live in may be twelve. The age in other areas is 10. In still other areas, its 13.

Each state in the US differs in age requirements, and each country on earth differs as well. By making blanket statements, you could mistakenly mislead someone.

Angie - posted on 09/13/2010

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Michelle is 100% right. I think the first thing you need to find out is why she doesn't like to go. Perhaps, he's more strict than you and she doesn't like that. Maybe he doesn't cook the foods she likes. Maybe she just wants to sleep in her own bed. Unless she is in danger I don't think this is a decision she should be making. Allowing her to stop visiting her dad may cause damage to their relationship and the day will soon come that she'll need her dad to give her guidance. It will also cause strain on your relationship and you need to keep that civil for the sake of your children. Shoot, my 9 year old wants me to let her watch tv during the school week but if it's not the right thing for her my answer is always, "what you want and what you get are two different things".

Angela - posted on 09/12/2010

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It depends on the state in which you reside. You need to look at the parenting time guidelines. you should be able to obtain a free pamphlet at your local courthouse in the juvenile court section. if it is not available, ask the clerk and they should be able to direct you.

Julie - posted on 09/12/2010

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Hi Elizabeth you need to find out why your daughter does not wish to go is she picking up signals from you, In the states I believe you have school councillors it maybe an idea to get their help as she may open up to them why she no wish's to go as for what age it would depend on the maturity of the child rather than the chronological age. In a court situation a child of 10 or more would be asked what they want their feeling are taken into consideration the norm is once she can understand the implications of her actions of not wanting to see her father anymore then that would probably be time to except her feeling, Have you disgussed the problem with the x are you still joint parenting if you can't do this then again I would disguss the problem with the school the have access to trained professionels who can help you with this problem.

with love and light Amethyst

Marissa - posted on 01/20/2009

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I think the legal age is 12, however, my daughter is almost 9 and if she has something going on...a family function, a birthday party, etc. Her "other dad" is great about being flexible and rescheduling...But, I can see the problems with having two that go at once and you would feel that you never have both of them home the same time if your son goes on his weekend and then you daughter the following. Is there any specific reason why she doesn't want to go? maybe she could just go for day visits on the weekend and not stay overnight. My little girl doesn't want to stay and her dad's overnight, her grandparents, her friends or anything right now. I can really just be a "I want my mommy" stage. She is getting older and has a lot of change going on in her body, head etc and just wants to still feel little. (not talking puberty changes, just emotional getting older changes). :)

Carolyn - posted on 01/19/2009

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Hi Elizabeth, where abouts are you from? I am kind of going through something similar, my daughter is 7 and spends every other weekend with her dad and extra time during holidays. Here in Australia the age used to be 12 but now the family law states that it depends on the child as each child can be different, so any age can be considered. Have you spoken to your daughter about any problems she may be having going there, perhaps maybe only spending a few hours with him

Dalane - posted on 01/19/2009

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Hi Elizabeth

Michelle's advice is correct, but just to add to it... in most western countries the age is usually 12 however courts adjust that dependent on the maturity of the individual child.

I'd recommend not doing the court thing if it can be avoided as it can be very traumatic for everyone. If you are on good/reasonable terms with her dad talk with him about what's happening. It could just be a phase your daughter is going through... my daughter is 11 and is doing that at the moment... not becasue she doesn't want to see her dad but because she wants to spend more time with me on her own and without all the bustle that goes on at her dad's.

Have you talked with her on her own about why she doesn't want to go?

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