what age should a child be responsible for his own routine?

Barbara - posted on 12/13/2012

Since your child is 12 he should know the routine you want him to follow. The things you mentioned are not hard for him to remember my youngest son is doing these things just fine and he is 6 years old. It all depends on the parents. I want my kids to be independent and think on their own when it comes to such routines and not have mommy or daddy after them.

Susan - posted on 11/30/2012

Your awesome! My husband and i will read this together and have a chat with autumn.thank you.

Diedra - posted on 11/30/2012

My son is 9. He makes his own bed in the morning, EVERY morning. He has been doing this for about 3 yrs now. I wash and dry his cloths and he puts them away in his dresser and hangs up what goes in the closet. He washes his own dishes after snacks and helps his two older sisters when it comes to after dinner dishes. He uses the Vacume to do his own bedroom floor and also helps his older sisters clean their bathroom each Sunday. He knows how to cook certain small things, like an egg sandwich or grilled cheese and never fails to clean up his messes and does his own dishes, wipes down counters, etc. I am not about over-coddling and spoiling of kids, no need for me to be doing for them what they can be doing for themselves..the more they are willing to do and know how to do now, the more independent they will become as they get older and will not be calling on you to do EVERYTHING for them, unless that is what you want..Kids are a product of their environment, and in my personal opinion, kids need responsibility, will engrain a work ethic in them and they will better understand as they mature that mommy is mommy, not a maid or slave to their every whim. My little man also puts himself to bed every night..His bedtime is 9:30 and without being told he will come tell his dad and I goodnight, gets his hug and kiss and goes to bed, never has to be told, and he never fusses or complains to stay up later. He also makes straight A's..we work on a merit system around here, so he is rewarded for his grades and doing his chores with an allowance each week. I have 3 kids and one Desktop PC in the house, they each get one hour a day thru the week and only after chores and homework are done. You may want to try sitting your son down and you and your husband come to an agreement about what you expect of him as a pre-teen and AGREE..then let him know that things are changing, that he is old enough to do for himself certain things without being told..think of a reward system, like an allowance, so he earns the money and learns the value of a dollar at the same time, and he can save his money for his games, etc...At his age and if you have been doing this for so long he may take a few days to adjust, and he may resent it at first, but after a while he will look at it as a JOB and will look forward to his pay check at the end of the week. You may also want to start with an amount, like $10 a week, or what ever you can afford, and let him know that every day he has to be told to do something you will deduct a dollar to his allowance..this will surely be a motivator to remember what his "job/s" are...He is almost a teen at 12,, candy at his age for a reward?? trips to the dentist is what you will get with that..Gold stars?? Still seems to old for that in my personal opinion,,,Money..cold hard cash is what kids want..everything they want costs money, with him EARNING an allowance instead of your just pulling out $30 everytime he wants to get a new video game, or pair of outrageous expensive sneakers he has to have, he will have his own EARNED money you will solve a few issues with one turn..

Susan - posted on 11/30/2012

Oh! Yah i agree! My 8 year old daughter is the same way. We raise them to be self sufficient. We can only stay on them and hope for the best. I agree with your husband. I tell autumn i bet the kids in her class brush there teeth and hair without being told. I have 4 children i cant and wont do for all. I would go crazy .Give yourself a break.

Theresa - posted on 06/29/2012

I forgot to mention.....as long as we were rewarding our son with ice cream or a snack for saying on his own, "I am going to go take a shower....I brought my clothes down" he would do it so we know he can do it without being told. As soon as we stopped rewarding him for doing something he should be doing all along, he quit taking a shower, bringing clothes down....He will even wear outdated clothes that look ridiculous on him because they are clean rather than bring his clothes down on his own. He will gladly do it if we tell him too. He said he thinks a mom should: cook nice meals, do the dishes, make his bed, do his laundry and put it away, help him with his homework, remind him to do everything, dust and clean without him helping, etc...because that is what a mom is supposed to do. Boy oh boy is this kid getting a rude awakening!!!!!! This didn't come from my husband! He knows better. He is a foster boy who wants us to adopt him. Unless you have been a foster parent you have no idea how frustrating these kids can be.

Theresa - posted on 06/29/2012

I think your husband is right!!! I have an 11 year old who won't shower, put deodarant on, brush his teeth or bring dirty clothes down unless my husband or I tell him to. No more!!! He hasn't had a shower, brought clothes down, brushed his teeth or put deodarant since June 24. Let the kids laugh at him and make fun of him at The Boys and Girls Club. It is time to grow up!!

Teresa - posted on 08/04/2011

At twelve a gentle reminder may be necessary since they are so involved with themselves. But surely n othing more than that.

Jeannette - posted on 08/03/2011

I think it is very important at 12. Read have a new kid by Friday. It will give you some good ideas on how to jumpstart him. It has done wonders for our family. We still have issues, but it is sooo much better than it was. My 9 and 6 yr olds boys both do their own laundry as well. Good luck and God bless.

Shannintipton - posted on 03/29/2011

Hi Tracy. Never, you are their boss forever. . . Just kidding.
I figured with 28 responses you got enough advice.{:+)
shannin tipton

Anita - posted on 03/24/2011

Check out www.accountablekids.com. Our daughter is 5 and we started using this program at 3. She not only does everyday chores (get dressed, make bed, take medicine/vitamin, brush teeth, etc.) w/o being reminded. Beyond that she also helps with other chores such as dusting, vaccuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, etc. The program is wonderful & it really works!!!! Hope this helps even though I know it's been 2 yrs. since you originally posted your question.

Annette - posted on 09/12/2009

Hi Tracy,

I have a 14 yr old son and I have to do the same things. He even has braces and is suppose to brush 5 times a day and I have to tell him to do it eveyday. On the other hand I have a 16 yr old daughter and she does everything herself without being told to do anything. The only advice I can give is to stick with it and hopefully he will pick up on his routine. One more question. Does he have ADHD? My son does and has a hard time with orginization skills that could be the problem if he does have it.

Trish - posted on 09/12/2009

I have enforced and made all my children to be responsible for their own routine since they were 10, as I was since I was 8... it will instill in them from a young age to be responsible for themselves and towards others.... you go girl!!!

Diedra - posted on 09/11/2009

I agree with your husband. I have a 6 year old who puts his own self to bed at 9 every night without being told, comes to tell me he is getting in the shower, brushes his own teeth in the morning and at night before bed and makes his own bed in the morning.
I would talk to him and explain that he is old enuf to do these things on his own and you need him to really be a big boy and act like the young man he actually IS!! Give him a schedule for the morning before school that includes making his bed, picking up his room, grooming, breakfast, and at night after school that includes homework, bath, picking out cloths for the next morning, brushing teeth, taking meds and then going to bed at his designated time. As he does these things have him check them off, like a chore chart, and after a few weeks he will do them on his own from habbit. If he does not already get an allowance, enforce one, but make him understand that he has to act like a mature boy to be treated like one. He will appreciate the consideration that you think he needs some of his own money, and may want to do these things on his own in return. Good Luck!!! .

Jodi - posted on 09/10/2009

Quoting Tracy:

Thanks everyone, it really helps to hear other mom's opinions. My kids do have chores and do things when they are told to. The problem is having to him every little thing. He doesn't remember anything on his own. I have tried set a routine for him too, but he pays no attention to the time. We have tried charts in the past. They work for a little while, then they lose interest. But maybe worth trying again. My other son who is 7 by the way, does do most things on his own. So it definately has to do with personality also. I guess the next question is how important is it at age 12? Do I just keep trying and hope he eventually gets it? Or should he be punished, like take away privelages if he can't be responsible for himself?

Tracy, I have a book here called Raising Boys, and it makes it very clear that during times of testosterone increase and growth spurts (between the ages of 11 and 13 generally), boys brains pretty much go out the window and they need their parents to be substitute brains for them during these times. The book actually recommends that you should just take a relaxed attitude.  It really is normal, and they apparently do grow out of it.  Having said that, boys also need structure.  So have a strong routine, but accept that you may need to give them reminders at times. 

Anna - posted on 09/10/2009

Quoting Lisa:

Yes,he should.Try to plan a little reward after routine.snack treat,30 min.game,read fav. book,ect.Bedtime will always be a fight(lol)

We use a star chart. I made cut-outs of stars, laminated (read covered with clear shelf paper) them, and put velcro dots on them and on poster board. The kids hang their star on the chart each time they take care of their responsibilities without my nagging them (my 3 year old when she goes potty by herself and my 6 year old when he's in his jammies, teeth brushed, and ready for bed by 8:30 pm). When they collect 8 stars on their own chart they get a date of their choice (i.e. ice cream, movie, trip to the park) with mom or dad.

Faye - posted on 09/09/2009

To be honest with you every child is completely different, I have an 8 year old girl that gets up and ready for school every morning on her own and goes to bed at reasonably the same time every night brushes her hair & teeth, washes etc its rare I have to tell her what to do and when... Shes been like this since she was 3 but on the other side my son who is 3 next month is a nightmare at bed times plus he wont potty train!
I think I agree with a reward chart, but just remember that if you start a chart there has to be something in it for your son, maybe sweets at the weekend if he gets more than 10 stars a week for example but no sweets during the week, I found my childrens behaviour also improves with this technique. Good luck let us know what you decide. x

ANGIO - posted on 09/08/2009

THEY STILL NEED HELP WITH THAT UNTIL THEY OR ABOUT 15/16 WHEN THEY GET INTERESTED IN GIRLS THAT CHANGES

Jodi - posted on 09/08/2009

Tracy, my son is 12 and my step-son 10, and I have to constantly remind them of these sorts of things. I swear they live in their own little world. They know teir bedtime, they know what they have to do, they know what time they have showers, and so on, but they still have to be reminded. It's nothing to do with bedtime difficulties, because there are never any bedtime arguments here. It's just normal I think :) Particularly for boys - they can be so vague at this pre-teen age.

Angie - posted on 09/08/2009

My children (8, 11, 16) are all responsible for their own routine. They know we say prayers at 7:30 and all of their chores (shower, teeth brushed, clothes ironed and layed out for the next day, and lunches made) need to be done by then. I don't remind them and I sure don't reward them for doing what they know they should do. It's simply a matter of setting expectations and letting the kids have consequences for not completing their chores. They know if they don't get them done in the evening they have to get up earlier the next day to get them done. If lunch isn't made and they've used the 10 lunches I buy at school each month, they have to come up with the money themselves. Because your son is on medication, I would ask him right before bed if he took it but other than that, he is old enough to do the basic.

Audrea - posted on 09/08/2009

Every kid is different. However, you have to start instilling responsibility and independence. I have a 5 year old that ASKED for an alarm clock because she was going to kindergarten...so it's up to the kid. I could've been a parent who enables, and refused, because she's too LITTLE. BUT I didn't! I am encouraging her to be mature, as long as it's in positive ways. I bought a dry erase board for her bathroom. I put all the things she needed to do, like brush teeth, wash face, put on clothes, socks, shoes, eat breakfast. Now, granted I have to pick out her clothes Sunday night, then put them in the cubby for her, but she can get them out and put on everything in the cubby herself and she comes and says, "Mom, I'm ready for breakfast." Then, I have to make her food, but by her doing the things she can without me repeating do this and that, it makes our morning smoother. If she's late, I'm late and I work for the HS in her district, so, it's important to be on time.



Hope these idea's help. Also, encourage him by rewarding him on occasion when he does things without being told. I'm sure you're doing it already though.

Dana - posted on 09/08/2009

No not ready yet. Most boys do not like to take time out to take a shower, brush his teeth, take medicine and especially go to bed. They have more interesting things to do than those mundane activities. Moms and Dads have to help get them focused on responsibilities because they do not have that level of maturity yet.

Melanie - posted on 09/07/2009

I wrote up a before school and after school lost for my daughter and have stuck it to her bedroom door at her eye height. It lists what she needs to take to school by day eg. library bag, homework, lunchbox, as well as what needs to be done in the afternoons - change out of uniform, lunchbox out, homework etc. This works really well for us. I started it last year for her (she was in grade one).



But as for your dilemma Tracy I would probably start using time reminders. It is x o'clock or there is half an hour until bedtime what do you need to do to get ready for bed? At twelve he probably remembers what needs to be done but may not really realise when it is to done. Then just monitor and make sure he remembers to do everything required of him. Eventually you can withdraw even that cue and hopefully (fingers crossed) he will be responsible for his own bedtime routine.

Flo - posted on 09/07/2009

I guess ur husband is rite on that. Your son is old enough to do almost everything for himself except its kind of difficult for boys to adapt to responsibilities. My daughter is turning 5 and you wont believe how helpful she is in the house., she just loves to help with everything around like washing dishes, sweeping but hey! I think she is still fighting with the bathing arrangement and brushing of her teeth... God grace you and much love to your family

Tracy - posted on 09/07/2009

Thanks everyone, it really helps to hear other mom's opinions. My kids do have chores and do things when they are told to. The problem is having to him every little thing. He doesn't remember anything on his own. I have tried set a routine for him too, but he pays no attention to the time. We have tried charts in the past. They work for a little while, then they lose interest. But maybe worth trying again. My other son who is 7 by the way, does do most things on his own. So it definately has to do with personality also. I guess the next question is how important is it at age 12? Do I just keep trying and hope he eventually gets it? Or should he be punished, like take away privelages if he can't be responsible for himself?

Aimee - posted on 09/05/2009

I have four boys and each one is different. They range in age from 9 to 4 and each one have a chore chart and a routine chart. They know (not that it always matters to them) that when they mark off one of their slots that it will be checked. If the job was done correctly they get a star, if not...no star. At the end of each week if they have done everything on their charts, they get an extra hour of their favorite cartoon or video game. It has worked for us to an extent, our four and seven year olds are still at the inbetween point of not caring very much, but for the older two its working!

Cora - posted on 09/05/2009

no if he dosent want to i am a child to thats how i now

Deborah - posted on 09/05/2009

My son is 12 and daughter is 9, they have lots of chores that they do around the house that are age appropriate including laundry, trash and kitchen chores. I also have to tell them each night to take a shower, brush their teeth, bed time, etc. You have to remember that they are still children who need to be guided, when they are older and smelling good is important to them is when you won't have to remind them - in my opinion they are still kids and it is not a big deal to me to remind them, as long as they are happy, healty and doing well in school they are just fine

Sammantha - posted on 09/05/2009

I think it depends on the kids but it's good to get them started early with something small and build from there. Our 11 year old is responsible for helping with trash & the garden and mowing the yard. Our 6 year old helps with setting the dinner table, feeding the animals (cats,dogs,horses) and they ALL are responsible for cleaning their own rooms , even my 2 year old helps put toys in the toy box. I would start with one thing and add a new responsibility when you think they are ready to handle it.

Laura - posted on 09/05/2009

My husband can barely remember what night is garbage night... or when to take out the recycling!! Is 35 to old for not remembering his routine. I have a seven year old who can do everything on his own, but his six year old brother needs a reminder chart. Long story short... I think it depends on the individual. Reward good effort and create expectations.

LaChar - posted on 09/05/2009

He is way to old my son is 7 and I feel that he should know the routine by now. My husband think he is to young and he always tell me I'm to old school times have change.I told him times have change in the world but not in my house.

Lisa - posted on 09/05/2009

I don't think the issue is routine. I think the issue is "is it a big deal to give him a reminder". Of course routine is good, that is no question. Some kids need a reminder. It is not a big deal, unless, of course you are physically dragging him to the bathroom and washing and brushing his teeth for him, which I am sure you are not.

Kathey - posted on 09/05/2009

Night time routine is hard! I remember my sister called me two years ago and told me her twelve tear old boy for the first time brushed his teeth before going to bed without being told. She was so excited! This may seem rough but have him resposible for his morning routine first. Mostly because the consequenses of messing this one up are not from mom and dad. If he forgets to eat breakfast, pack his lunch, brush his hair or teeth, or forgets homework or books then mom and dad do not have to nag him. His friends will tell him "dude you didn't brush your hair" or he will be hungry at lunch with nothing to eat (just till he gets home). If he forgets homework or books then the teacher does the fusing and punishment. As he starts to take more responsibility in the morning he will gradually start taking more responsibility the rest of the day. It may take a little while and he may have to suffer some consequences that will be tough on him; but this way you are teaching him that you and dad are not going to always be there to keep him on track (but you are still there to love him instead of him learning all of this his freshman year in college.) This really works - last year at the age of 10 in the fifth grade I did this with my daughter - it took all year but this year is do much better and as I type this on Saturday afternoon my now 11 year old daughter is doing her own laundry - much to my surprise. This was a long battle with many times me feeling like it was not worth it but I had to stick to it. I do have to remind her at times to still feed her animals or pick up her clothes but nothing like before.

Lisa - posted on 09/05/2009

No kid wants to have a shower, brush teeth etc. I think until they UNDERSTAND the importance of it they all need a reminder. I am sure he doesn't need a reminder to eat or use the washroom. It will come. Hate to say it, but, especially when the GIRL thing becomes an issue.

Shelly - posted on 09/05/2009

Personally, I think 12 is more than old enough to be responsible for those things. You should still make sure its done, but he should be doing all of that on his own by now. Again, my personal opinion with a broad stroke. I don't know any details about your son's specific personality. =)

Denise - posted on 09/05/2009

Well I think every child should have a routine, but when they hit the age of at leat 5 they should be able to do some things on their own. Like making their bed without help, picking up after self easy things like that. But when they get older like 8 to 10 they should know when to go to bed, when to do homework and ect...but also if it helps ask them to set up their own routine so that way its not hard on them and they still get things done. I do that with my 8 year old. She gets up at 6:50 am for school, eats breakfast then gets dressed and has to leave at 7:40am to catch the bus.... and so on.

Lisa - posted on 09/05/2009

Yes,he should.Try to plan a little reward after routine.snack treat,30 min.game,read fav. book,ect.Bedtime will always be a fight(lol)

Ginny - posted on 09/05/2009

Just an idea what about making out a daily schedule and when each thing is done he cks it off . That way he is doing it on his own , more or less ...it's hard to say when the RIGHT time is as each child is different . Hope this helps.